I fear that i wont make it

blueteddy · October 11, 2024, 02:17:24 PM

Today was beyond my limits. My little sister's abuse has taken over the entire day again—non-stop scolding, yelling, and cruelty. All because my mom asked her to do house chores, and instead of directing her frustration toward the right people, she took it all out on me. She always guilt-trips me for being chronically ill, as if I'm to blame for it. She throws it in my face, asking my mom, "What about your other child?" referring to me—but never asks that of my brothers, who are perfectly able to help but never do. She's so brainwashed by misogyny and patriarchy. I've realized she fears my brothers but unleashes all her anger on me.

I've given her my makeup kit, lent her money—never asking for it back—but none of that matters. She treats me like I'm nothing, and I'm so tired of being her punching bag. Every corner of this house is filled with abuse. No matter where I go, I'm treated like a burden, and I fear that this may be my end. It feels like this family wants me to break, to die, and then they'll be happy to take over all the good things I have.

I'm scared that I might not survive this. I'm exhausted beyond belief, and in the shower earlier, I just sobbed. Dark Purple, my 16-year-old protective alter, argued with me. They wanted to front and take care of the responsibilities, give me a rest. But I couldn't let them. Dark Purple is still just a kid, and I can't let any of my alters suffer alone again, especially now that my former partner isn't here.

Dark Purple is upset—telling me that if I keep going like this, I might die. They're angry at my former partner for not helping us like they promised. I tried to explain that no one is responsible for us, not even V. We've never had anyone truly responsible for us, and that realization broke all of my alters. They're terrified that I won't make it.

I feel like I'm beyond my limit, and no one truly understands what it's like. No one understands this pain.

OwnSide · October 11, 2024, 11:16:19 PM

Hi Blueteddy,

My situation is very different than yours but hits on similar points. Feeling trapped in an unsustainable life, wondering how much longer you can go on, parts (I'm not sure what to call mine at this point but I definitely hear things) trying to help but can't. In my case I have a precocious six-year-old internal person (assuming I'm correct in my perceptions) who's a whiz at self-care and sometimes has to do things like prompt me to eat or distract me when I want to SH. But I'm trying not to lean on her that way because she has expressed to me that she wants to be able to be a kid.

It's hard when you and your alters are arguing. Especially when you are all trying to survive in your own ways but it conflicts. It sounds like you care about each other. May I say even surviving for each other? I try never to say I "understand" but your story knocked me to the floor because of how the themes resonated.

I'm sorry you're being treated badly and I hope you guys find a way to get through it.

Armee · October 14, 2024, 02:41:29 AM

Just wanted to say...you aren't entirely alone. We are here and get it. I'm so sorry the abuse is coming from all sides and feeling like you aren't going to make it is scary. You do have parts that want to get through this and that is good. Perhaps there can be a bit of team work on this. Even though it isn't a kid's job to keep an adult alive (boy do I know that from my own childhood), it's still in your little kid part's best interest to help you, until adult you can take over.

My situation is not the same as yours, and yet there are pieces I can relate to as well. I hope that helps a little. In fact a little the opposite I had a child part a couple weeks ago attempt to drown herself (and me!) because she couldn't handle adult intimacy. Absolutely maddening the way abuse has fractured our minds so.

I haven't read any of your posts before this one so I don't know your story but I do hope that there is an option for you to leave that environment even if it is to go for inpatient mental health treatment. Is that an option?

blueteddy · October 14, 2024, 04:47:01 AM

Quote from: OwnSide on October 11, 2024, 11:16:19 PMHi Blueteddy,

My situation is very different than yours but hits on similar points. Feeling trapped in an unsustainable life, wondering how much longer you can go on, parts (I'm not sure what to call mine at this point but I definitely hear things) trying to help but can't. In my case I have a precocious six-year-old internal person (assuming I'm correct in my perceptions) who's a whiz at self-care and sometimes has to do things like prompt me to eat or distract me when I want to SH. But I'm trying not to lean on her that way because she has expressed to me that she wants to be able to be a kid.

It's hard when you and your alters are arguing. Especially when you are all trying to survive in your own ways but it conflicts. It sounds like you care about each other. May I say even surviving for each other? I try never to say I "understand" but your story knocked me to the floor because of how the themes resonated.

I'm sorry you're being treated badly and I hope you guys find a way to get through it.

Thank you OwnSide

blueteddy · October 14, 2024, 04:51:16 AM

Quote from: Armee on October 14, 2024, 02:41:29 AMJust wanted to say...you aren't entirely alone. We are here and get it. I'm so sorry the abuse is coming from all sides and feeling like you aren't going to make it is scary. You do have parts that want to get through this and that is good. Perhaps there can be a bit of team work on this. Even though it isn't a kid's job to keep an adult alive (boy do I know that from my own childhood), it's still in your little kid part's best interest to help you, until adult you can take over.

My situation is not the same as yours, and yet there are pieces I can relate to as well. I hope that helps a little. In fact a little the opposite I had a child part a couple weeks ago attempt to drown herself (and me!) because she couldn't handle adult intimacy. Absolutely maddening the way abuse has fractured our minds so.

I haven't read any of your posts before this one so I don't know your story but I do hope that there is an option for you to leave that environment even if it is to go for inpatient mental health treatment. Is that an option?

I'm sorry to hear about your little

Unfortunately that is not an option in my current condition and country. But i am planning to seek asylum to a safer country now.

Armee · October 14, 2024, 05:49:35 AM

I wish you luck with your asylum approach.

I saw your post about your nephew, too. You'll find a way to save him, when it is time and you have the ability. Your oxygen mask first. Get safe, get strong, and then help him so he isn't in the same position you are right now.

blueteddy · October 14, 2024, 06:30:37 AM

Quote from: Armee on October 14, 2024, 05:49:35 AMI wish you luck with your asylum approach.

I saw your post about your nephew, too. You'll find a way to save him, when it is time and you have the ability. Your oxygen mask first. Get safe, get strong, and then help him so he isn't in the same position you are right now.

Thank you so much Armee

I will get safe but i dont want to get strong T_T i am still powerful the way i am i dont need to get strong T_T

Armee · October 14, 2024, 03:22:01 PM

You're right. You don't need to get strong. I understand. I also struggle with words like that and "survivor."

By strong I just meant that you are eventually able to be OK despite a really difficult painful and isolating past. That doesn't come from just "being strong" and "getting over it" it comes from facing it, wallowing in it, learning to manage the symptoms over and over again, until at some point we feel more good than bad.

Thank you for telling me how you feel about the word I used.

What word would you use for that?