Stealth (Trigger Warning)

[SenseOrgan]

Dear people,

Thank you for being here! It's sad to connect on the basis of this horrific struggle, but I'm grateful for this possibility.

A bit about me. Sorry, I couldn't keep it short. I'm reluctant to use the term CPTSD as a label for myself. Yet I'm here. The symptoms have defined my life for decades, yet what happened to me is a lot more stealthy than the examples of causes that are most often listed. Not being able to pinpoint the cause for what made life a living * has been a major contributing factor to my despair and sense of alienation. Also within the health care system itself.

My search started in the nineties, when the suicidal ideation and all the rest really kicked in. It went via a plethora of interventions and endless study and self help, to discovering Pete Walker, two decades later. Contrary to Judith Herman's book, this one was about me. The feeling tone more than anything. I still can't read it without crying my guts out.

So what did happen to me? In short, emotional abuse and neglect, parentification, and growing up in a somewhat cult-like environment. Served on a bed of a highly sensitive and introverted nature. The colossal shame and guilt I carried throughout life were installed over the course of my entire childhood. Not by one or a few single events. But by thousands of times of getting the message that not existing is the way to survive. That's what I did. I survived by giving up authenticity and the illusion of connection. I hid inside, behind a wall of cynicism, humor, and witty remarks. My main survival style is to fawn.

Both parents were very needy and emotionally immature. Dad's primary interest was to get admiration. When coming home from work, there were the big stories and the victimhood. Never the how are you son? Not once. When I was nine, he came out of the closet, amplifying the crushing shame I already carried to astronomic proportions. When kids at school would have found out, they would have destroyed me. Post outing and consequent divorce, it became blatantly obvious my dad had zero interest in me. My fathers influence or the divorce of my parents on my development was minor in the larger scheme of things though.

The relationship with my mother has by far shaped my trajectory the most. It's complicated and therefore took me very long to see that the water I was born in itself was toxic. My mother was very caring within a certain bandwidth. She definitively loved and cared for me. Yet, her own unfulfilled needs would always prevail when triggered. Enforced in nasty ways too. Blaming, shaming, invalidating, minimizing, ridiculing, gaslighting, angry stares, demanding, dismissing, unsolicited advice, disregarding personal boundaries and authenticity. I'm sure mostly unaware to herself.

Her fragile ego held on for dear life to an ever changing set of new age convictions. Any deviation from the "absolute truth" was perceived as an existential threat and attacked with fanaticism. Including my individuation. There was much contempt for those not seeing the light, whatever that was at the moment.

My mother adopted a stance of glorifying emotions and demonizing the intellect, believed in the wildest stories she told herself and elevated herself above all forms of accountability in this regard. There was no reasoning with her. In other words, she could not hear me. Which told me not even as much as I wasn't worth hearing, or what I had to say had no right to exist. It felt like I wasn't even worth the effort to spit in my face. My words just fell into a void and kept on falling. If I spoke at all.

What didn't help was that by nature I'm a lot more analytical than my mother and sisters. As a consequence, I was categorically invalidated, ridiculed, put down and felt like an alien in my own family. But in other realms of life, like birthdays, my mother was very sweet. The message that I got from her was: I love you exactly as I am. More important than anything else was to validate the "absolute truth". She demanded it like an entitled, grandiose little kid. There was no room for anything else to exist besides this. No room for a different seed to germinate.

My mother was full of rage and contempt. Because she couldn't own her own rage, it owned her. And her kids. It leaked out in all sorts of ways. I never met anybody who could tell you you have the right to your own opinion, while non-verbally lynching you for daring to defy her. Those mixed messages mess with your head. As a kid, this makes you doubt your own sanity. Especially over time and in isolation.

Criticism was never far away. People around her were never good enough just as they were. We all had to be on our way toward her undefined goal for us. Any kind of ailment had a meaning. The core of that meaning never changed. It was because you were doing something wrong in some sort of way. Not that she didn't care about the pain or discomfort, but waving that finger was just too hard to resist. When somebody is down, it's the perfect moment to rub it the gospel.

On those occasions where I still did try to connect when I felt bad, she often used what I had shared in prior vulnerable moments to manipulate me into accepting "the truth". I clearly remember the moment when I decided never to enable this betrayal of trust myself and stopped sharing anything with her altogether. I was about twelve and emotionally an orphan.

The school I went to, our family doctor and other "health care professionals" I saw as a kid were all in the alternative realm (Steiner). My family doc failed to refer me to a real doc, continuing to let a teenager throw up several times a day for seven years until I finally escaped his quackery and had to undergo surgery. From a very early age I was aware I was surrounded by people who had drunk some sort of anti-logic, anti-scientific Kool-Aid. Parents, "doctors", teachers. I didn't believe any of the elaborate * stories they told themselves. Yet there was nobody I could turn to. No healthy adult who was truly sane and safe in my life. I was profoundly alone. This loneliness has affected me more than anything else. And it continues to do so.

I live alone, don't work and spent most days by myself. I've been in this position for over ten years. I'm eternally grateful that nothing is expected of me anymore. The flipside is extreme levels of isolation. I've come a very long way from the point where I started this journey. Most often, life is infinitely lighter than it was for decades. Yet it remains a struggle. A chronic sleep disorder, emotional flashbacks, (social) anxiety, low self esteem, nervous system dysregulation, overwhelm, and fallout health issues influence my life with varying degrees. It ranges from debilitating to pretty OK.

I pretty much survive walking the tight rope between discipline and being kind to myself. Exercise, meditation, mindfulness, healthy eating, sleep hygiene and the few good friends I talk to from time to time are very important to me. Though this mix is not sustainable. I'm still stuck in survival. Social connection and safety are still on other sides of the universe to my nervous system. I'm basically stuck between isolation and overwhelm. Both are highly stressful in their own regard. Apart from triggers and what happened to me as a kid, my trajectory itself makes it hard for me to relate to the vast majority of people. I'll leave it at that. I hope I can contribute here in some way. My heart goes out to you all. Much love!

[Papa Coco]

SenseOrgan,

Welcome to the OOTS forum. I really felt a lot from your introduction. Much of what you wrote I can relate to. Thank you for sharing the details that you shared.

I can really feel how you are precariously balanced in survival mode, walking the tightrope between discipline and self-kindness. I feel much the same most days. I want to live a different life, one where I'm out and about and making a difference in the world. But instead I sit, locked in my house, hiding from everyone so I can feel safe.

Most days I feel trapped in indecision and worry that if I do anything today, there will likely be unintended consequences later. My family used gaslighting and lies to keep me unsure of what was real and what was manipulation. I'd do as I was told and if it didn't go right, they'd punish me as if I'd done it on my own: I did what they told me to do, and then took the blame when it didn't work out how they'd wanted it to. So I sit around the house now not wanting to do any projects. I isolate for no good reason except that it is what trauma encourages me to do. Hide. Lock the doors. No one can lie to me, or lie about me, or punish me for doing the right thing if I'm completely alone all day long.

My experience might be different than yours, but I can feel an overlap here and there. No matter where we all came from, somehow, we all ended up here looking for the same thing: Someone to connect with who understands us for who we are and what we've been through. Some of what you've been through reminds me of my own family of origin (FOO). On most days I'm in survivor mode also. Thriving mode is still something I'm trying to accomplish.

I hope you find that the people here are compassionate and understanding. We're all on this healing journey together.

Welcome.

[SenseOrgan]

@Papa Coco

Hello Papa Coco,

Thank you for your kind words and sharing about your own situation. We seem to be surviving in a similar space indeed. I'd be interested to read more about your story. Can I read your intro somewhere?

There's a bitter aftertaste to what our nervous systems consider safety, isn't it? Chronic isolation is a very high price to pay for survival. I see this as a testament to how unsafe the places were that initiated this mess. Going through experiences that adjust the filter through which our nervous systems perceive the world and ourselves is hard to arrange. Ironically very much so after the initial storm (assuming you're in a safe spot now too).

It's nice to read you're aiming for thriving mode. Same here. It's encouraging to meet a fellow human being who's fighting a similar battle. Thank you for the warm welcome!

[Dalloway]

SenseOrgan,

welcome to the forum. I´m sorry for all the emotional neglect and abuse you went through. Your story resonates with me very much, I could relate to almost everything you wrote in your introductory post. Most of my childhood was also about emotional neglect, abuse and parentification, coming from my mother, who´s unfulfilled needs and the abuse from her parents made her emotionally very unstable and made her copy all the abuse she went through, just to switch the positions and relive all the things that happened to her, now from the perspective of the more powerful one.

My mother´s instability manifested in extremely strict and ever-changing rules, so we could never master them and so she could always punish us. There was never a space for opinions and different views. Being seen was dangerous, so I quickly learned how to be invisible.

Now, as an adult, I´m a people-pleaser, always trying to be compliant, never hurting anyone´s feelings and always putting myself last. Although I´m doing much better now, feelings of isolation, loneliness and alienation remain. I´d like to reach out to people, connect with them on a personal level, make friends and have a social life, but I just can´t. I´ve been invisible for so many years, that I feel extremely anxious just thinking of coming out from the shadow and being vulnerable.

This is a very long journey for all of us, but this forum is the best place for sharing our experiences with each other and learning something helpful along the way. The stories are different, but the way we cope with the consequences is what connects us. So welcome.

[SenseOrgan]

Dalloway,

Your words make a little boy inside feel seen. Thank you for sharing this with me. For this intimate welcome. I'm honored.

I'm sorry life has been such a struggle for you too. Chances are it's not going to get easy very soon, but as you said in your own introduction: by reaching out we can experience our shared humanity. Exactly this I've come to realize is one of the silver linings of such a rough start in life or sensitivity in general. Some of the most beautiful moments in my life were with people who knew this side of life inside out. Being in great pain and alone is something completely different from being in great pain and in the company of one who welcomes this too.

Coming out from the shadow is one of the scariest things there is. Even though I'm still just partially there, I can say wholeheartedly there's nothing more rewarding. Every millimeter has been worth it. Like yourself, I've realized that pain is universal. On my better days I have compassion for and feel connected to everybody. Nice to meet you Dalloway.

[Papa Coco]

SenseOrgan,

On my better days I have compassion for and feel connected to everybody.

Here's a place where I feel real connection with you. I am like this also. On good days I feel connected to everyone and everything. I have a theory that our trauma disorders weren't caused by abuse, but by feeling disconnected and unwelcome on the earth. We spend our entire lives trying to feel connected. Those of us who were raised to feel abandoned, disrespected, unwanted, unlovable...we felt "disconnected." And our trauma disorders grew from that.

That's JUST an opinion of mine.

The saddest part of all this, for me, is the permanence of the damage. It might get easier as we age, but nothing can fix the fact that I was born into a family that made me ashamed to be alive. Unwanted. Unlovable. I participate in ALL the therapies and medications, and self-help books, and nothing fixes this. The wiring is too thick. Too permanent. I hate that.

But I really liked reading that you feel connection also. For me it's everything. Connection is everything.

The difference between good days and bad days are driven by when I feel connected to others or not.

[Dalloway]

I agree with both of you. My biggest pain, regardless the particular situation, comes from feeling alone in this world, which is rooted in the feeling of not being connected to the rest of the world. This is the scariest and most unbearable feeling -- that I´m all alone in this whole big universe, amongst billions of people. That everything and everyone is wired together, but me. It´s like floating in the space with no gravity.

And yes, nothing can really "cure" this "condition". No books, therapy, podcasts. They are of huge help, of course, I can´t deny that, they helped me a lot -- to discover myself, the inner voices and the causes of my unwanted and uncomfortable behavior --, but I´m starting to think that feeling connected is the biggest gift of all.

[SenseOrgan]

Papa Coco,

It's great you feel this kind of connection too. On good days at least. I'm glad you know how that feels. Have you always had this or did it come later?

Looking into interpersonal neurobiology answered the question why my sense of otherness runs so deep. It's not very different from your theory. If I'd have to sum up what happened in one word, I'd say "misattunement". I can't discern where this transitioned into emotional abuse and neglect and don't need to. What I do know is that many layers followed and that being introverted made it inevitable that I'd withdraw, greatly amplifying the impact of the adverse circumstances.

The persistence of symptoms is hard to bare indeed. I used to be convinced I was beyond repair. After throwing everything at it for such a long time, it became hard to believe otherwise. Until I gave psychedelics a try, as a desperate attempt to save my life. A game changer. It's highly controversial, and I won't bother you with the details. But nothing is carved in stone for me anymore. Including the most primary imprints that happened during infancy. They are as solid as the sense of self that was formed before I could even speak. The vast majority of modalities don't reach this place, unintentionally feeding the despair.

I second that the level of connection greatly determines the quality of my days. The lack of connection is at the heart of my trauma. Only after decades of struggling, I concluded I had taken a wrong turn very early on and only made a u-turn when I almost drove off the cliff. Better late than not at all.

[SenseOrgan]

Dalloway,

I can relate completely. You're description is spot on. Feeling alone in this world is unbearable. When the loneliness fully hits, it suffocates me. It's because it's coupled with the inability to change it, that it breeds despair and panic. Without a doubt, by far the hardest experience to cope with for me.

I have a couple of experiences in which I did manage to reach out to a safe enough other when I was being crushed by an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I only could because I felt like I was going insane. I believe this level of loneliness is an EF. It's what drove me to sign up here. Very few people seem to get this, making it a self-reinforcing issue.

[Dalloway]

I believe this level of loneliness is an EF. It's what drove me to sign up here. Very few people seem to get this, making it a self-reinforcing issue.

Yes, I very much agree. And that´s why this forum is a haven for people with CPTSD present in their lives. I experience in my everyday life how desperate the feeling of not being understood or even seen is. My co-workers, random people I meet, old acquaintances -- it´s as if they were looking through me like I was invisible. They don´t see me and I feel too helpless to change it. This is the wall our traumas build brick by brick around us so in the end we cannot reach out and see clearly. But this place, the OOTS, makes me feel seen and heard and validated, so everything that happened to me is starting to make sense in a way that the pieces are getting together and I finally feel that I can breathe. The first time in my life. Wishing you at least this wonderful experiences here.

[SenseOrgan]

Dalloway,

It's great to read how you feel about OOTS! Thank you for being part of this haven yourself. I feel very much validated and welcome here. I bet most of our minds are like bad neighborhoods we better not be stuck in alone. Believing you're the only one is a big part of what impacts, I suspect.

I've only come across one other person who struggled with this same issue of not feeling understood or seen. Even writing that, it sounds like such a minor thing, but it isn't. I imagine a little kid feeling that, and having no means to understand and communicate they feel alone in the universe to a parent who isn't present for them. Feeling you belong and are safe is directly related to being attuned to as a little kid. It leaves deep scars when instead of this foundation, there's an existential void and rejection of various kind. This is where I flash back to when it hits. It's like a massive open wound.

I know very well I can't expect anybody to get me on such a level, yet an innocent misattunement in the present can send me back in time to that desperate place. This is what makes social interaction such a challenge. Being authentic practically guarantees people are not going to get you at one point. Or downright reject. Fawning seems to be an adaptation to prevent that from happening. But that's a preemptive strike against oneself, making it impossible to be known and therefore to connect. I don't know about you, but it's been extremely difficult to find a place where I can titrate this challenge in such a way that it's manageable. Especially IRL.

[Dalloway]

it sounds like such a minor thing, but it isn't

It really isn´t. In fact, the absence of something that should´ve happened is even harder to spot. You can´t see the invisible bonds between people, and it´s even more impossible to see the blank space where those bonds should have been. That´s why so many people struggle with expressing this particular feeling of missing something. The incomprehensible nature of running on empty is what makes the healing journey so hard. It´s hard to find the authentic self, when you lived all your life without the knowledge of it. It´s also hard to renew the connection to the world/humankind/oneness with all beings, when you never had that connection.

So all I can do is try to feel into every nuance of my life and try to listen to and hear the response coming from within that tells me what is real for me. This is the part of the "work" I can make (for) myself. But it´s not easy to present this authentic me to other people during social interactions. I struggle with this every day of my life. At this moment, there are only three people in my life who really get me. When I talk to them, I´m sure they understand every word just as I meant it. It´s really hard to function like that. I tried to change it, talk to people, get involved in conversations, but at some point, I always sense a dead end in the interaction, a wall I stumble upon when trying to dig deeper. Me being myself amongst people is funny or weird for them, but never something they can relate to. Fawning was my long-time response to these situations, but I´m not really doing it anymore. We can say that I sacrificed social interactions to be more authentic. But somehow I know that there has to be something deeper, that there must be people out there who understand me and this forum is the proof that makes me keep hoping.

[SenseOrgan]

Dalloway,

Indeed, it's very hard to see that what did not happen impacted you so profoundly. Even if you're actively looking for why on earth you feel so miserable. It being so elusive, coupled with isolation, low self esteem and an inadequate mental health paradigm, makes it equally hard not to conclude you're a fundamentally flawed person.

I owe a great deal to musicians, author's and filmmakers who reflected my own reality back to me. In hindsight, they let me know those horrific states weren't unique to me and I wasn't a bad person for having these extreme feelings. They helped me validate what was real for me and acknowledge the humanness in even the darkest experiences. That meant a lot to the kid I was in the pre-internet era. But it lacks real interaction with another human being who gets it. I believe it can't be underestimated how important it is to have at least one person in your life you connect with on a deep level. That's a paradox when it comes to attachment trauma.

And yet you and I have managed to find a couple of people. I'm glad you have them in your life too! I also tried a lot of things to "mingle". Mostly I feel like an alien at some point. I'm pretty descent at small talk and it doesn't really bother me for a bit. But most often there's a moment where I sense I don't belong. I'm really tired of an innocent chat turning into existential loneliness. I feel less lonely when I'm alone than in these situations.

I'm convinced there are heaps of wonderful people out there. I just don't know where to find them. Especially IRL, where I live. There's a bunch here, which is great!

[Chart]

In the novel Dune, one of the characters is given a latent poison that rests in the body and thus he must receive the antidote on a regular basis or die of the poison that is always present. The Baron who orders this keenly observes that the absence of a thing can be just as deadly as the presence of a thing.

Absence of safe, healthy and loving environments has the potential to tear us to pieces. Looking politically across the planet, I think it's easy to identify this as a global epidemic and the consequences are utterly terrifying.

Developmental trauma is the human species greatest challenge to long term survival. We have to become conscious or everything we equate with our humanity will implode.

[SenseOrgan]

Chart,

Thank you for that perfect metaphor. I don't know if you also hinted on it, but I'd say one of our most important antidotes is connection. On top of it being a normal human need in the present, I feel the poison from the past taking hold of me whenever I'm disconnected from others for a longer period of time. And on the other hand, I can feel perfectly fine again after I've spent time with a friend.

Unfortunately, I agree with your assessment of the global epidemic. It's scary. Developmental trauma still is hardly on the radar, yet it informs so much behavior.