Triggered by others' mistreatment of vulnerable people

[NarcKiddo]

TW medical issues, references to SA, PA

I know it is normal to feel distress, anger or revulsion at mistreatment of the vulnerable. I have for many months realised that I feel particularly upset by this - possibly more than a "normal" person might. It is particular situations, though. I am as disgusted as the next person at reports of war, terrorist acts, murders, sexual abuse against adults such as that poor woman, Gisele Pelicot, in France. If the victims are children I get very triggered if the children are toddlers or older. So, for example, we have had a recent case of a nurse jailed for murdering new born babies in her care. I am disgusted by that but I do not feel it viscerally. Whereas we have had cases reported in the papers of abuse, murder, grooming etc of children aged between 2 and 15 which have affected me viscerally. I can remember the names of the victims from years back. For example, there was a murder of two girls, Holly and Jessica, in a small market town over 20 years ago. A haulage company is based in that town and used to feature the name of the town on their truck livery. The haulage company was not linked to the murder in any way at all - it simply happens to be based in that town. They rebranded a few years ago and removed the town name. But I know where those trucks are based and every time I see one (and they have a LOT of trucks) I remember Holly and Jessica.

More recently I am noticing getting triggered by mistreatment of those who are vulnerable through illness or frailty rather than youth. It doesn't even have to be direct mistreatment as such, either. A relative died of cancer earlier this year. He chose to stop treatment and left hospital to die at home. My mother always hated this relative though I am not aware he ever did anything to her other than politely disagree with her. She wrote the most revolting email to the family and a couple of her friends saying he had only gone home so as to make his wife slave over his care and that the wife was stupid for buying into this manipulation. She said the wife should go out as she pleased and leave the man in his sick bed; if he died alone, well, then he died. She never communicated any of this to him or his wife, obviously. That email turned out to be a huge nail in the coffin of my relationship with my mother, although I did not challenge my mother about it in any way.

My father has had serious health issues and is terminally ill though the end does not appear imminent. It has been touch and go at times and my mother has made some quite poisonous complaints about him at times and threatened to abandon him (never to his face). A friend of hers has recently been in hospital and he has not been obeying her instructions or giving her enough details about his condition. His reports from hospital have been somewhat disjointed but the man likely has cancer, is probably scared given the amount of bleeding he had, and was put under a general anaesthetic for a procedure so may have been confused from that. She had promised to have him at her house to recuperate but she has withdrawn that offer. Not only that, but when other friends have asked her if he might need some help she has told them not to help as she thinks he is lying about his condition and that it is self-inflicted. She has another friend who has fallen victim to a romance scam and has started sending money to the scammer. This is a very entertaining story for her and she gets annoyed and evasive when I suggest that perhaps a friend should try to make the victim see sense rather than simply lap up the next instalment of the soap opera.

I find all of this revolting. I mean really, viscerally, revolting. It feels personal somehow, and yet obviously it is not. I have met my mother's friends and I dislike both of them, although I would never wish their situations on anyone. But I am SO disgusted and angry on their behalf at her treatment of them.

I don't really know where I am going with this - if anywhere. I just wanted to get it written down for some reason. Feel free to comment if you have any thoughts, or if you find yourself feeling angrier at abuse of others than you might at abuse of yourself.

[Kizzie]

I think you find those things revolting because they are revolting, so revolting. And if your NM's current behaviour is anything to go by, then having strong feelings for those who are vulnerable would be part of who you are. It's absolutely unthinkable, unconscionable and I would suggest a moral injury every time they go "in for the kill" so to speak, when people are at their most vulnerable. It absolutely turns my stomach when people without a conscience do what they do and hurts my soul.

I really am sorry for how your NM treats people, it's abhorrent.  The 'positive' side to this is that you are not like her, you have a moral compass and sense of humanity. I don't know quite how we managed to come away not becoming like our NM's but I am so completely thankful I didn't. 

 

[Chart]

I do indeed find abuse of others horrible. My own abuse has often taken years to identify but with others it's much clearer. It makes sense to me your abhorrence to your mother's behavior. Clearly there is no "logic" here. It might make for an interesting case study, but beyond that I am just worried for you and the pain you experience through this relationship.

[Chart]

I really am sorry for how your NM treats people, it's abhorrent.  The 'positive' side to this is that you are not like her, you have a moral compass and sense of humanity. I don't know quite how we managed to come away not becoming like our NM's but I am so completely thankful I didn't. 

This is a philosophical question that profoundly intrigues me. Why do some choose one path where others choose the opposite?

[Bach]

NarcKiddo, what you've written here is very resonant.  I struggle to allow myself to feel anger, but stories like this bring it right up.  The thing about your mother laughing over a friend getting caught up in a romance scam is particularly stomach-turning for me, because I recently found out that a teacher I had a long time ago literally died because he lost all his money to a romance scammer and then could no longer afford medication he needed to stay alive.  When I think about the person who did that to him, I feel violent.  And now, thinking about your mother gossiping and being entertained at someone she calls a friend being in that situation, I feel that way, too. 

[dollyvee]

Hi NK,

I wonder if you feel these things so viscerally because you have had to endure them for years without an outlet via the behaviour of your NM? That you probably haven't been able to call out the behaviour of your NM or stand up to her for what she's doing? I'm sorry that you still have to watch her do those things to other people.

20 years ago my t said to me that there's nothing wrong with the way that my heart works. I made it through with it in tact and it looks like you did too. I think that's a big testament of strength.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Chart]

"Heart" seems to be one of the more positive traits of which Forum members possess in abundance.

[NarcKiddo]

I have a good update to share. Every single time my mother has told me about the romance scam victim I have suggested that surely one of the victim's friends should try to make them see sense. I think one of her other friends has been making similar noises to her because he showed her a public information leaflet on how these things work and why the victims are taken in. I think my mother may have started feeling that people might accuse her of being a bad friend if she did not do something. Anyway, my mother says she has spoken out to the victim and it looks like they may have seen the light. My mother, of course, is taking all the glory but I don't mind that if it means the scammers are defeated before the victim was too badly burned.

[Chart]

This makes me think of those groups who practice "scammer-baiting". Those who actually go along with scammers to harass them in return. Kinda sick in and of itself imo. But when we manipulate people in order to attain good things I think this is perfectly acceptable. I believe "manipulation" has an inherent negative connotation that is unjustified. Consciously and honestly manipulating is good and healthy in many contexts.
So well done, NarcKiddo!
 

[Kizzie]

I think my mother may have started feeling that people might accuse her of being a bad friend if she did not do something. Anyway, my mother says she has spoken out to the victim and it looks like they may have seen the light. My mother, of course, is taking all the glory

Well of course she is but at least as you say the person may be seeing the light. The more we understand how N's tick, the more we can help them to 'behave', even if it's not real goodness, it does the trick by playing on their fears and desires, in this case being a good friend and now the queen of good advice.

[Desert Flower]

Very interesting thread. I don't have any comments at the moment. But it does give me stuff to think about. Thanks for sharing this NarcKiddo.
(Okay, I may have a comment after all. It's something about how important it is to these people how things appear 'to the neighbors'. And it doesn't matter to them how they hurt the ones close to them. That struck me. I just cannot understand how this works for these people. How this could be okay for them.
- If I misinterpreted, please disregard.)

[Chart]

Very interesting thread. I don't have any comments at the moment. But it does give me stuff to think about. Thanks for sharing this NarcKiddo.
(Okay, I may have a comment after all. It's something about how important it is to these people how things appear 'to the neighbors'. And it doesn't matter to them how they hurt the ones close to them. That struck me. I just cannot understand how this works for these people. How this could be okay for them.
- If I misinterpreted, please disregard.)

I think this has to do with not being able to "process" "reality" (which is equal to "truth"). Everyone who experiences developmental trauma (which I believe Narcissists also experienced) develops a "strategy" to deal with the trauma/stress of survival put upon them. (We, on the forum have gone down the road of self-blame and turned inward, hurting ourselves regularly as opposed to hurting others.) However, Narcissists develop a grand denial to truth. They turn "outward". "Reality" is what is "said", not what actually "happens". Thus, reality is determined by the people who "control" the situation, and who talk about it afterwards... so what counts is not what actually happens, but what the neighbors see and then talk about. This is why narcissists change their behavior in front of the neighbors. These are people who won't necessarily believe the narcissists reality because they are "too far" away. Only intimate and vulnerable people are controllable, namely family, the young, the sick, the disenfranchised... These are narcissists' targets to maintain their perception of "reality".

[Lakelynn]

I really am sorry for how your NM treats people, it's abhorrent.  The 'positive' side to this is that you are not like her, you

Your thread here is quite intense. I can relate to your disgust and reactions. However, I'll leave it that Kizzie hit the target here.

[sky]

i think getting it all out like you were saying NarcKiddo is helpful because it has a "witness" - it has an opportunity to be viewed by people who care, by people who can see and state that its wrong.  Having experienced abuse by my ex it's frustrating to have had it gone unaddressed - not that i didn't try to address it, oh, i did that a lot and got hit for it, etc, but I was unwilling for it to fly unchallenged.  Letting others know about it I think is healthy cause you can put it in the light of day and let it be challenged by healthy right thinking/emotions.  I notice when i journal things that trouble me i feel better - Lots of sick people out there for sure - it's appalling and shocking.  I am just so grateful that there are people like us who don't hurt others, who have empathy, who care when others hurt.  Thank you all for taking the time to express your thoughts - without that, the ugly abuse thrives and grows unchecked.