Hope's Journal 2024

[Armee]

I'm sorry for the loss of contact with your sister. That must cause a lot of pain even when it is for the best.

[sanmagic7]

dang, i wrote a whole post and lost it.  hate it when that happens.

anyway, in essence, i had that unsatisfactory piece happen when contacting both my D1 and sister, so i can relate. it's kind of a raw feeling, so i can see the connection between that and triggers knocking you off balance.  i do hope you figure out the in-law piece, too.  it's a lot, hope.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Lakelyn - thanks for what you wrote - I will look up the book 'Leaving a Trace' it sounds interesting.  I also liked that you wrote about 'intuitively' being led to the next step.  It often feels like that - as if there's things that draw me in a particular direction sometimes.   

Hi Armee - I really felt the emotion when you mentioned it being a painful thing - I am thankful to you for validating that pain, it helped me feel it, and I felt I needed to feel it.  I thought about it for some time over the subsequent days, and feel I've processed some of those feelings in a way that needed doing.   

Hi SanMagic - thank you for sharing your situation regarding D1 and your sister, and relating to the raw feeling.  I am sorry that your post got lost - it's annoying when that happens.  But thanks for writing what you wrote - I appreciated your validation.   

******
2nd October 2024
I have been reading the book by Rachel Reiland called 'Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder'(2004), and am on p.203 (Chapter 15) so almost over half-way through it.  I am finding it to be an incredible book for enabling me to vicariously process some emotions of my own, and I especially appreciate the detail she shares about her relationship and therapy sessions with her psychiatrist (Dr Padgett).  The way that Rachel has written the book makes everything easily understandable to me, and I can feel my different parts each finding different aspects within it to relate to.  It is like it speaks to me at a relateable and powerful level.  I really feel so glad to have found this book.

The therapy is Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, and on p.34 of her book she writes: "The origins of neurosis and emotional pain developed in early childhood.  The therapist would work with the patient to reveal painful, buried emotions.  The patient's natural desire was to keep them buried through defense mechanisms, but the fears would become manageable in the light of adult, rational understanding, along with free association and uncensored thoughts."

"The therapist would align himself with the patient to cut through her defenses and allow the frozen feelings to surface. As a 'blank screen', he would reveal little of his personal life or his feelings to facilitate transference, the phenomenon where patients direct emotions intended for someone else in their lives, most likely from childhood, onto the therapist.  This transference often reveals more of a patient's buried feelings and subconscious motivations."

*******
I really appreciated Rachel writing the detail in this way, as it helped to see what process she was going through in her own therapy - and the book is amazing (in my opinion). 

Anyway, something I gleaned from it helped in my relationship with my in-laws - in that I recognise that I sometimes project my feelings onto my MIL, when essentially she isn't deserving of those projections, and this knowledge, which I thankfully thought about more when I saw her on the weekend, helped me not to act out any inappropriate things.  Hence our relationship seemed to be repaired in contrast to what had occurred the previous weekend.  I am relieved.

(I need to write some stuff about 'shame' as I have been thinking more about that emotion - but not sure how to approach it) - maybe I'll just free-associate when writing and that might help me express some things that might be helpful.  I'll think about it further, and make a decision on how best to try to express/process it.).

*******
I was so pleased yesterday that I mended my partner's trousers (sewing) using the sewing machine, because I had previously struggled a lot in doing any sewing - (I did attend a course to help to learn how to sew again in the past year - so I had worked hard to overcome my struggle in doing it) but the satisfaction of being able to help him out by mending his trousers - it was such a nice feeling.  It felt really good. 

Hope

I'm going to try to just sign off without putting a smiley face after my name - mainly because I had read an article where they contrasted different generations use of emoticons, and apparently it was noted that putting a smiley after a name might not necessarily be viewed in a positive way.  That, and the combination of how I feel when I might have said a comment or post that is sad or some other emotion, and then signing with a smiley face - also makes me think it isn't congruent.  Anyway, I am going to see what it's like to not put the smiley face after my name, and see how that is.

Hope

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you were able to find some satisfaction from sewing/mending, hope.  personally, i love to sew, haven't been able to for too many years.  it's the 'doing something with your hands' kind of accomplishment feeling, and it feels good.

psychoanalytic therapy is often a long, long road.  my D1 had it suggested for her, and she did it for a while, but we couldn't afford it long term.  i think it's amazing, tho, that the author was able to tackle borderline PD by utilizing it.  i'm sure it's a fascinating read.

i'm curious to know how it felt not to put the smiley face after your name.  interesting stuff. 

i'm also glad you recognized something that you could change re: your MIL, which made the interaction less upsetting for you.  well done!    love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciated reading what you wrote as it is so helpful to find ways to explain our experience and I love coming across people that help us do so.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - Yes, I think it is something to do with the 'doing something with your hands' kind of accomplishment feeling - definitely!  It does feel good.   Regarding psychoanalytic therapy, the author of the book (Rachel) also mentioned the vast cost of that therapy - and I am definitely NOT considering going for any therapy myself.  I really feel I need to pace myself and go down the route of self-help - because I think that I have parts that are just too resistant to seeing any one therapist - except maybe for the one I did see in the past (a few years ago now).  I like the thought that I 'could' access it - if I needed to - but right now, I feel I'm ok.  (Definitely have a resistant part to considering therapy).

So far, I think I'm feeling ok about not putting the smiley after my name.  It's surprisingly ok!  Feels better infact - as I think it feels as if I'm being more 'authentic' - rather than having a smiley following me.    SanMagic thanks so much for the love and hugs 

Hi Rainydiary - Thank you for writing that.   

**********
3rd October 2024
Struggling to think about what I wanted to express just now.  I might pop back later.
Hope

[Armee]

I think it's smart to try experimenting with not putting the smiley face and finding ways to be more congruent with what you are saying and feeling. 

[Chart]

Thank you Hope for relating all your experiences and insight. I find it immensely helpful and inspiring.
 

[Hope67]

Thank you Armee and Chart   

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you found the book and the writing about her experiences helpful. I feel like beginning to recognize projections is a big step. I also find I do this a lot and helps me to get out of my head a bit when I begin to see it happening, and try to process what might be driving it underneath.

Congrats on sewing the pants  and hope you're to express some of the thoughts around shame that you want to say.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Hope67]

Thanks so much Dollyvee 

[Hope67]

25th October 2024
I've not really felt I could write anything meaningful - or indeed anything much - in my journal this past couple of weeks or so - but wanted to write something today, just to remind myself of things I've done in recent weeks.

I had managed to attend something that had caused me a lot of apprehension and anxiety - and in the end, it went much better than I anticipated - and I was pleased to have managed to get there to do it.  I had tried to do that same thing last year, but didn't manage it then.  So that is definitely progress.  I learned something valuable from attending it, both in terms of what I learned by attending it (it involved some educational learning) and also in terms of my worries about what 'might come up' but infact did not. 

In terms of reading, I'm currently reading a couple of books - one is "Second Act: What Late Bloomers Can Tell You About Reinventing Your Life' (2024) by Henry Oliver.  This is proving to be an interesting book, and I'm learning some hopeful things about how people can be quite creative and resourceful and positive in later life - or as late bloomers.  I hope to bloom with something creative/meaningful in the future - I am currently hopeful that I will - without giving myself any pressure.

The other book is one that I saw Armee mention, and it is called "Life Reinvented: A Guide to Healing from Sexual Trauma for Survivors and Loved Ones" (2014) by Erin Carpenter.  It's extremely well written (I think) and clear and comprehensive, and free from jargon - making it really useful for me.  I am grateful to Armee for sharing her experiences of this book - it helped me to decide to buy it, and I'm glad I have.  I also ended up watching some U-tube videos too, which shows me that I'm more ready to process stuff, as I tend to avoid it - only sometimes approaching the subject.

What I've noticed is that now that I'm more able to ground my physiology, and feel more grounded generally - that I can 'look at' things that previously had been way out of my window of tolerance.  I am glad, because I feel like I'm ready to process more.  But I need to pace it still of course.

I had watched the Menendez brother's series on Netflix as well in recent weeks - that was heavy going, and stirred up quite a lot of thoughts and feelings for me.  Just wanted to mention it here, as I just thought about that.

Yesterday evening I also saw an 8 minute u-tube video by ?Jeremy Wise (I'm not sure if I've got his name right or not) but he's someone who often does videos about being the child of narcissitic parents.  He had done an 8 minute video on u-tube about examples of things that such parents could do, and I literally related to each and every one of those things - I felt it was very helpful to watch that video - because it summarised things extremely well.  I sadly didn't keep the link, but I suspect I could find it again, if I have a look.

I think I'd like to try to keep some 'gratitude diary' stuff going - I hope to write some things in Blueberry's thread about three good things - maybe I'll manage to do that more often than previously.  I often think about it, and enjoy reading what other people write, but I feel I should also write some things myself, and feel gratitude for those things.

Regarding some of my past memories, it's been fascinating to realise that things I'd put in a much younger time-frame (one particular memory of sitting with some other children waiting to start in a new class, in a new school) had been when I was actually about 11 years old, rather than about 5 or 6, which is what I had originally assumed.  This is a bit shocking, as I realise how young I felt when I was 11 years old.  Yet, I think 11 is a more mature kind of age.  But yet, I had felt so young.

I've been trying to work on ensuring I keep boundaries regarding relationships with other people - and move away from any tendencies to people please, or go beyond what is necessary in the relationship.  Interestingly, as I keep what I think are better boundaries, I've noticed that other people have reached out more towards me than they might have done previously - which is I guess a reaction to that change in myself.  I'm not sure though. 

When I meet someone for the first time, I've noticed a tendency for a much younger part of myself to engage - so that I think the other person ends up really thinking they want to get to know me - and I literally feel like another protective part then steps in to distance myself/protect myself.  Anyway, I am aware of it, and that's helped a lot in setting boundaries for me.  It's a work in progress.  I'm learning everyday.

My partner wants me to come for a walk with him now - we're enjoying the start of a long weekend, so I'm really hoping to enjoy that with him, and so some relaxing and enjoyable things.  That's the plan.

Hope

[NarcKiddo]

I hope you are having/had a lovely walk and enjoy your weekend with your partner.

Well done on going to that occasion you were worried about. I'm glad it was not as difficult as you feared.

I am interested to read how young you felt at age 11. I don't know if I felt very young at that age, but, looking back, I certainly was. And when I moved to boarding school I started to realise just how inexperienced and naive I was, so I suppose I felt even more young and defenceless then.

It's interesting that you feel other people are engaging with you more as you keep better boundaries. Maybe your boundaries are making you feel safer with yourself (which I guess is a major function of boundaries) and thus more confident. People generally like to know where they stand so a more grounded and confident you might make them feel safer, and because you feel safer you are more prepared to engage with any approaches, so you get into a more virtuous cycle. That's just the thoughts I had when reading your comments.

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

this comment from NK expressed how i feel about your boundaries and others realization:

Maybe your boundaries are making you feel safer with yourself (which I guess is a major function of boundaries) and thus more confident.

i think i agree.  i know i've always been drawn to confidence in self re: others. boundaries is such a biggie.  well done!

it seems to me you've done a few of those, where you were apprehensive about going somewhere/attending some function, but went and discovered it turned out better than you anticipated.  i think there's been a lot of progress, hope, maybe more than you realize.  or, maybe it's just me seeing it that way.  i don't know.

i hope your plan and walk during the weekend was wonderful and enjoyable for you both. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I had managed to attend something that had caused me a lot of apprehension and anxiety - and in the end, it went much better than I anticipated - and I was pleased to have managed to get there to do it.  I had tried to do that same thing last year, but didn't manage it then.  So that is definitely progress.  I learned something valuable from attending it, both in terms of what I learned by attending it (it involved some educational learning) and also in terms of my worries about what 'might come up' but infact did not.

I'm so happy for you, Hope. Awesome that you were able to override those fears.

When I meet someone for the first time, I've noticed a tendency for a much younger part of myself to engage - so that I think the other person ends up really thinking they want to get to know me - and I literally feel like another protective part then steps in to distance myself/protect myself.

I think I understand what you mean there. It's a constant dance of wanting to know others and develop our relationships, but at the same time, wanting to be safe from any kind of harm. The whiplash of suddenly reeling back from people can be... painful to manage. But it's nice that you're able to recognise these feelings.

Regards,
Aphotic.