Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Chart]

...BUT! I'm taking it slow. I'm taking a passive approach to allowing the panic to bubble up in its own time. I'm giving it permission to keep getting closer. I'm not taking the aggressive approach to healing that I usually take.

This is an incredibly courageous attitude to cultivate in the face of such impending doom. Much respect for how you are approaching this! 

It took me decades to see that my urge to get to the root of it and deal with things once and for all had been part of not getting there where I needed to go. That it's even possible to allow and relate to difficult states differently was a revelation to me, but only when the penny dropped experientially. So I can relate to both the yin and the yang of dealing with trauma. A big hug from Holland for you 

This really hits the bullseye for me at this moment in my healing. Thank you PC and everyone for this sharing.
 

[Little2Nothing]

I wonder if the sudden explosion in the population of tween and teen murderers, car thieves, etc., is due to the rise in screentime raising our children.

I think screen time is a detriment to kids. Children seem to have no empathy because all their interactions include sarcasm, making light of others, saying disparaging things about people you never have to look in the eye. I think it also breeds narcissism due to the desire for likes and views.

Another thing I think adds to the lack of empathy is that children are never told no. I understand the desire not to disappoint children, but giving them everything they want when they demand it seems to be hurtful. I told my kids to give their children a good dose of vitamin N once in a while, so they learn that life isn't always about them.

The other issue is, I think, that bad behavior is not corrected. All of it is harming our kids. It all eventually leads to loneliness and an inability to interact with others with respect. I fear that screen time is one of the catalysts for the rise in teen and preteen suicides. I had a nephew who took his life at 21, because of the overwhelming loneliness and isolation he suffered. His two sisters attempted suicide as well. 

I don't know what the answer is, I only know that something has to be done to save our kids.

[Papa Coco]

Thank you for the feedback on courage. I can say the same for you all too.  We are all here because we knew we needed help to survive, but didn't want to give up. It required courage for each of us to join the forum, and it requires ongoing courage for us to post our most vulnerable thoughts for each other to read. Not everyone survives what we've been through. Courage joins us together as we hold each other up through all of this.

I have always loved the quote, "And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
― Anaïs Nin

---------

I may be preaching to the choir here, but for the past two weeks I've felt like I just landed on this planet, and I can't figure out how it works. I grew up thinking I knew how the world worked. But the past ten years have been throwing one unpredictable thing after another at us. EVERY year we break records for heat, cold, wind, and rain. It's getting worse, not better. How do I navigate this world now? I'm from a world that's gone. Vanished. POOF! The world I'm in now makes no sense to me.

The last two weeks have been like I'm not fully connected to my body. I'm numb to the barrage of terrifying news of all the shootings, hurricanes, tornadoes, nuclear threats, carjackings, aggressive home invasions, AI's gift to the criminal mind is helping thieves make even more clever traps for us to fall into. Prices, shortages, pandemics, political overthrows by the extreme right in several countries all at one time.... This is too much to take. So, I seem to have blown a fuse, and can no longer regulate my thoughts, expectations, beliefs, feelings, emotions, diet, appetite. A massive storm is coming across my beach in a couple of hours. An Atmospheric River. I'm not scared. I just did a few preparations in case my power goes out in the cold of night.

Hurricane force winds? So what? Maybe I should be afraid, but my fear button is broken so my fears and reality are not synched quite right at the moment. I'm fearing things I don't need to and not fearing things that I should be fearing. I can't so easily tell the difference between appropriate or irrational emotions. I don't want bad to happen, but I'm done trying to stop it. Today is just another day in Crazytown. No big deal. Do the laundry. Write the posts. Whatever happens, happens. No human body lives forever.

Over the course of the past few days, I've been in a precarious balancing act between a full-blown panic attack on one side of me, while a total surrender and acceptance of "what just is" no matter how good or bad is hovering on the other side of me.

What I find interesting is that during the recovery moment after I calm myself from a random near panic attack (which I'm having to do several times a day now), I've caught myself looking up at the ceiling and thinking about the impending doom that I'm ignoring by not watching the news, shrugging my shoulders and just saying, "Eh. I've had a good run." All day long I vacillate between total panic on one side and total surrender on the other.

My curiosity now is how much of this new attitude has been assisted by all the work I did this last summer on the art of Letting Go. I've read Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender more than a dozen times, and from June to about Late August, I practiced letting go through using his techniques. By September, I started to kind of think I had wasted my summer trying to learn something that doesn't work, but I may be wrong about that. The way I feel right now MAY be due in part to the practice of letting go of the things I can't control. MAYBE I learned more than I think I did. I should open that book again. I haven't read from it in several weeks. Maybe now that I'm practicing it, the book will have a deeper meaning for me if I read it again.

I'm giving in. I'm STARTING to grab a hold of a new belief that maybe I'm not responsible for all the pain on the earth. Maybe God is not punishing me by making me view the pain of others. Maybe my brain is finally starting to digest this new information.

As usual I don't know if this is a core change in me, or a temporary visit to la la land that will end and I'll be the same stuck person I was before I spent the summer learning how to let go.

For now: In summary: I'm dysregulated on many fronts. Can't control how I'm feeling from minute to minute. Don't know when I'm hungry or full. Don't know when I should run or stay put. My window to leave the beach before a storm is closing. I have no sense of urgency to leave. I may be offline tonight and tomorrow depending on how well our power grid holds up.

No matter what happens, in my attitude of gratitude I always feel grateful for being a member of this forum with you all.

Papa Coco

[StartingHealing]

Hi PC.

I'd like to share part of my journey in regards to believing that I was responsible for __________. In someone else.  And empathy. 

For me empathy is an built in feature of humans.  That said, empathy has been weaponized against us by people with an agenda(s).  I had a similar experience with being yelled at because of food and how the folks in Africa would suffer because of it.  How in blazes is my actions here affect those folks over there?  Food is cooked, would have to be frozen to get shipped, would cost a lot of $.  Meanwhile the issues that were happening locally was ignored.  Do you see the disconnect here?  Ah but this was by design.  To a child, this is psychological manipulation in order to instill guilt and shame to make kids (you and me) easier to control. Don't want to get into 'trouble' you know? 

the first crack in me where I started wondering about the 'why' I felt responsible for actions taken by others when I didn't have a single thing to do with it.  Closed adoption, no info on genetic heritage, and what little was provided was all lies.  Don't get me wrong.  There are times that adoption is the best option with some caveats. Kinship guardianship comes as first option in my mind.  Here's some of the BS I was told.  Check out this gaslighting, it's f-ing classic. "Your mother loved you enough to give you up."  As a kid all that told me that I was somehow defective, that I was "bad" and if I didn't want to get shipped off to another family whenever the adults decided to, I better do my best to be "good". to fit as best as possible into that hole that I couldn't fit in.  Yeah there were some other stuff about "couldn't afford it, just starting out, not married, blah, blah, blah"  All BS.  Where did I come from?  "The Cabbage patch" IE didn't know, didn't care. 

Sooooo, here I am having the mistaken belief that I'm responsible for others well being.  Add in the narrative that has been around in the zeitgeist since being born, based on my skin color and gender, I'm the devil incarnate, responsible for every single problem / issue / hurt feeling in the world.  Wait, what? How am I making people do stupid stuff?  Ahhh the blame shifting. 

Doing the genetic genealogy which really helped me a lot in many ways.  The hardships that my ancestors survived, the blood, sweat, and tears it took.  Some were share croppers, some were sailors, some were engineers,  some survived the trail of tears.  So I come from hearty stock that have done amazing things.  that started me thinking that maybe, just maybe there is more to me than I am perceiving. 

The next widening was taking classes in energy work.  That was an eye opening experience.  Come to find out, I'm energy sensitive.  That explained a bunch as well.  Learning how to observe but not absorb.  If I absorb to much, then I go to a really dark place and it takes a while for me to climb out of that pit.  I have enough to deal with inside without adding to the stack from outside.  Gotta put on my oxygen mask first.....

next crack was when I really stopped and contemplated on the how I came to be in this realm.  The human side of things.  I came to the realization that the 'sins' of the people, the actions taken, was. not. my. fault.  Like I was a ghost that had placed explosive collars on them, forcing them to do the things they did.  I was a babe, innocent.  Collateral damage from others decisions. This was a biggie.

Meanwhile, being legally bound to a person who's behaviors got more severe every year, I started looking into that.  Son of a gun, I found the sister site to this one outofthefog.website and as I was reading I came across many things.  The first was the 3 C's.  I didn't Cause it. I cannot Control it.  I cannot Cure it.  Which triggered the memory of 12 step program prayer, change the things you can, let go of what you can't, wisdom to know the difference.  But that's not what I had been forced to believe all my life.  That somehow I, me, was responsible for..... Oh wait.  Maybe it's not my fault at all?  Then I found a short story, forget the name I think it's called man with a rope that also really really opened me up to the possibility that it's not me.  That the same idea of "Do I have a explosive collar on her?" 

I had been manipulated by various means, gaslighting, abuse, belittlement, lack of sleep (yes there were times and it wasn't anything more than circular arguments because she was trying to outsource her emotional control) constant and consistent parade of created drama, to shorten up the list, if you mosey over to outofthefog and read the top 100 behaviors, the former spouse did 98 out of that 100. That checklist made me certain that she has a personality disorder. Most likely BPD.  She played on my empathy, she played on my good nature, she played on every button she could find.  It's crazy making actually.  Can't be alone and yet when not alone, attacks the person that they are with. Throws hours long heated argument and then is "hurt" because I don't want to be intimate right after.

It finally boiled over to a point where I called local law enforcement and she was arrested for DV.  Credible threats on my continued existence and the doggo, credible threats of serious bodily injury to me, threats of self deletion, all the while house hold objects including kitchen knives were being thrown at me.  Not to mention there were functioning firearms in the house as well. This was after me being out of the house for several hours trying to allow emotions to cool.  Figured that throwing knives, self deletion and deleting me threats was the ending of it. I filed while she was under the protective order for the DV arrest.

Once I was able to re-establish communications with my mentor, they had removed themselves from interacting with me, until I was no longer with the former spouse.  Many long conversations about empathy VS compassion.  Empathy is the ability to see the self in others at basically an emotional level only. Compassion is more seeing self in others but not taking away the others agency and responsibility.  My empathy + energetic sensitives + believing that I was responsible for the former spouses 'well being', were a perfect platform for the former spouse to build off of to manipulate me.  Since I have made a vow of "never again', needed to figure out the difference twixt the two. 

This is just my take on this.  Compassion is recognizing self in other while maintaining awareness.  Example that was given to me was this:  You have a person that is always asking to 'borrow' some $ and is almost in financial ruin while attempting to keep a champagne and caviar life while having a generic beer and potato chip budget.  What's the compassionate action?  Offer to help them layout a budget, give them the location, dates and times of a free financial literacy course, or offer to pay the fee for a paid course. If they are not interested, then what is the motivation?    My mentor also used the example of the explosive collar around people's throats.  Did I have such around the former spouses neck?  Do I have one around the neck of ______ person?  How can I in this human experience have the god like power to force anybody to do anything?  That usually takes like special facilities with bars, guards, and razor wire which I do not have.  Add in that human perception of where people are is exceptionally small compared to the big picture of them and their life.  There is also the thing of not knowing what the all that there is has planned.  The Universe is real cagey about not showing those cards.

My mentor also brought up what can I do, staying in compassion.  Connecting to Spirit and asking for the other persons highest and best to come about.  Giving to those places that are actually doing the work instead of having a good marketing team.  Treating others with respect.  I made a store clerks day by being respectful to them. He thanked me for that.  Now his energy is better, which impacts another person, that could impact another person and who knows where that domino chain ends?  Don't buy products that don't align with you.  Volunteer if that is your druther.  Shop small businesses that do align.  Farmers Markets, community supported agriculture, donate a pint of blood to the local blood bank.  turn off the talking heads that are intentionally spinning you up with fear, anger, hopelessness.  It's ALL manipulation.  Fear is the mind killer and there are groups that benefit from usually smart people being afraid.  When angry same thing happens.  hopelessness breeds either apathy or violence. 

Take care of you ok? 

Wishing you all the best. 

[SenseOrgan]

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
― Anaïs Nin

My goodness. The other day I was looking for words to express something here and stumbled on a list of quotes online. They were all pointing to the same thing. My eyes stuck on the one you just posted.

Here is that list: https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2016/04/the-wound-is-where-the-light-enters-28-quotes-from-incredible-minds-on-the-purpose-of-suffering/

Wishing you a lighter travel, as Paul Hedderman calls it.  _/|\_

[Armee]

I'll be keeping your fingers crossed for power and safety through the atmospheric river/bomb cyclone. We'll get some of it down here too but not as bad as you. It's a good reminder tho I should charge things and get gas and cash.

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing, Thanks for sharing your take on this stuff. It's helpful. I'm not the only one who feels responsible for the whole world.

Armee, Our Atmospheric river never materialized on my beach. I hope it stayed away from your neighborhood too.

SenseOrgan, I clicked the link. Very powerful. My T informs me that suffering is a learning tool. But the quote you sent today is going on my wall to say it in a more positive and "blessed" way. I like it!  Wounds are where the light enters. It's true.

I have long believed that pain has a purpose, which is to drive change. When we don't feel pain, we don't have any reason to change. This quote about how wounds are where the light enters is saying the same thing to me, but in a much more poetic and positive selection of words.

Journal Entry for Saturday, November 23

I guess I'm not alone in this, but I'm a zombie now. I honestly feel like my soul is disconnecting and leaving my poor body to tumble around in a stupor. Rudderless. I feel weakness in every muscle and bone. I feel like my blood has drained out and my joints just haven't seized up yet.

As I practice "letting go" by using some of the techniques in the Sedona Method for allowing my feelings to just happen without me trying to suppress or repress or distract from them, I'm finding myself feeling ageless. I'm still here in my childhood. Anything that's ever caused me to be afraid is here in this realm of sustained fear that I'm in right now.

This year I have been triggered into the same fear that I felt as a child who was once pretending to be asleep while someone was tiptoeing around my bed. At 64 years old, as I close my eyes and feel the fear I'm in today, I can feel myself as a child. I'm still in that same fear.

Some teachers teach that we are not afraid "OF" anything. We're just afraid, and all the things that we think caused the fear, are not causes, but mere triggers. Access doors into the realm of fear.

Today's triggers are getting the blame, but in truth, the fear in me began at birth and just needed a trigger to remind me that it's all still there and it's all still working on my moods but is often buried so deep in my core wiring that sometimes I forget it's there. My fears today are not new fears, but the trigger is a new one. The trigger just reminded me that the ancient fear is still burning like a perpetual underground tire fire in my gut.

If I couldn't be happy before the trigger, why should I blame the trigger for my unhappiness now? Even before the election, I wasn't terribly happy. So what have I lost, really?

I'm a zombie now. I'm still not able to maintain a balance to my moods, or to my appetite, or to my energy levels.

On a positive note, while struggling to maintain a mood, I'm experiencing random hours of gratitude and joy, but I can't find anything to attach those moments to. It started last Tuesday when I was in the grocery store, looking at the canned soups, trying to find the one I like, when out of nowhere, I suddenly felt absolute peace wash over me as if someone had just poured a bucket of warm love onto me. I suddenly felt completely connected to "god" or to the peace of the Universe. I just felt grateful to be alive and like the whole world was made of milk and honey and marshmallows and daisies and warm blankees....

Since then, this is happening to me one to three times each day. For a few minutes or an hour here and there, a deep gratitude for being alive comes over me. It doesn't stay. In fact, I'm a little concerned. As I feel this zombie-like feeling of apathetic defeat, I feel my body failing. Muscles are weak. Knees want to buckle. My head wants to droop. I feel too tired to walk up a staircase without taking a break.  I've read how infants who are fed and taken care of, but who are never held or loved, have a VERY high mortality rate. They lose their appetite, and die without any medically sound reason or cause. I feel like I know now how they can do that. When one feels completely unable to figure out what's happening around us, this kind of weakness can overtake us. We see people fall to their knees, or drop their coffee cup, or faint altogether when something happens around them that shocks them. To top it off, my mother had a strong connection to spirit, even though she didn't want it. After my little sister's death, mom, who was generally healthy, vowed to not live to Mother's Day that year. 9 months passed, and when Mother's Day was 3 weeks out, she started a rapid downhill spiral. Her liver and kidneys were suddenly shutting down. In those three weeks, she went from being a normal 77-year-old, to hospice, to passing away of natural causes 9 minutes before Mother's Day that year. So I know we can will ourselves to leave. Babies do it. Mom did it. I worry that I'm doing it now too.

Well. I don't know how to conclude. I don't think there's a conclusion to be made from this topic. So I guess the best way for me to close is to just stop writing.

I hope that those of us who feel this way are able to cling together a bit until we start to feel better.

[Armee]

Papa Coco,

The sudden weakness concerns me. Maybe it's time for a check up with the doc? Maybe it isn't all trauma?

But also...it is the rough time of year, and SA is in the news a lot right now thanks to the election and the people involved. Hang tight. Better days are around the calendar corner. 

[SenseOrgan]

Papa Coco

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you."
― Rumi

This is my favorite line as well. Every so often I'm reminded that it's suffering which opened my heart and I'm moved to tears by a glimpse of the peace which passes understanding. I understand the longing to go Home. It's not easy being human, carrying such a heavy load. I have no judgment of those who collapse under it. Only compassion. Right when we met, I recognized the ambassador of love you are. I'd love for you to stick around and for the love to carry you through the darkness to the other end. Thank you for being here.

Hugs from Holland
 

[Papa Coco]

Armee, Your concerns are valid. As usual, I'm struggling to find the line between physical pain and emotional pain. For now they seem to be enmeshed. I will continue to monitor my health. I am in the care of my dr now for balancing blood sugars. I will be mentioning all this to her on our next visit. She is very trauma-aware.

SenseOrgan, thank you for the hugs from Holland. I can feel them.   I guess it's true that suffering is what drives me to keep trying to find my way out of the pain. My T says that of all his clients in all his years of practice, those of us with trauma disorders are also his most spiritual clients. He reasons that we are trying harder to get better, so we are exploring more. But I like to ask, which came first? Chicken or egg? Are we more spiritual because we are traumatized? Or are we more traumatized because we came here to this world with a deeper spiritual anchor? Was I prewired for trauma? Or did trauma make me who I am?

The questions are more plentiful than the answers. And I think the questions are also more powerful than the answers. The more we question what's going on around us, the more we are taking the reins and living with intention.

To tag onto yesterday's journal entry:

Yesterday I wrote about the possibility that the fear is a tire-fire that is  always burning in my gut, but I don't always think about it. Triggers might change from time to time but the fear is not new. It's never left me.  It's the same fear I've been in since childhood. We call these times of reliving our past "Emotional Flashbacks." What if they aren't flashbacks so much as they are open doors into the old tire-fire that still hasn't been extinguished?

My trauma "EF" is still worsening. Each day I'm progressively less able to focus on the "real world." This morning, I got up early to see my wife off to work. As I sat in the morning darkness, perched on the edge of the sofa, coffee cup in hand, thinking about this hollow emptiness in my chest, waiting for Coco to be ready to leave, I felt myself suddenly at 12 years old, feeling that exact same hopelessness and hollow chest, waiting on the sofa for my ride to Catholic school where I knew I had no way to protect myself from another day of suicide-level abuse.

This morning, I was not feeling like it was a flash back. It was more like a current event. I was living IN my 12-year-old fear. I flashed back to a few old memories, but the fear itself is in the present moment with me. The fear is just as alive today as it ever was, so am I flashing back? Or am I feeling something very current in my life? It didn't feel like a flashback. It felt like a current event. I'm 12 again. I'm experiencing the exact same sensations of fear and defeat that I felt during my entire childhood.

I am who I was at 12. I'm phasing in and out of consciousness. I was just in a one-hour long zoom, during which I think I faded in and out of consciousness about 3 times--just like I used to do when I was 12. I had to work to try and contribute because my brain kept going blank. Totally blank. Just like in Catholic school. This morning, on the edge of the sofa, I could smell the interior of the car that used to pick me up and transport me to the church every morning when I was 12. I am STILL in the SAME fear I've always been in.

I'm accessing the biggest fears of my life now. I'm practicing the art of letting go by using that method of just allowing myself to feel whatever I'm feeling and not trying to stop or squelch or distract from it. The fact that my longstanding resonance with fear is focusing my mind to every time I've ever felt this same fear is an uncomfortable thing. But I hope it's also helpful. Stuffing these feelings for over 50 years hasn't worked. If I keep trying the same old tricks to distract from or medicate this feeling, It will just go back into hiding and I will be in for 50 more years of the same results.

So why not try something new? I'm allowing myself to feel the fear. That's new. I'm not fighting it, hiding from it, or suppressing it. And it's bringing up a TON of old memories from every other time I've ever felt this same fear.

The writers of these books swear this is going to end up being a healing event. I'm trusting them. I'm pretty miserable right now, but it's not a new misery.

I recently learned that the Sedona Method is similar to my "letting go" technique. The Sedona Method is said to be helpful, so hopefully I'm on the right path here.

[Little2Nothing]

PC, I'm sorry you are struggling. My heart goes out to you. You are in my thoughts. 

[Sanctuary]

Hi Papa Coco,

I'm so glad to hear your beach stayed safe in the storm the other day.

In case this helps you feel less alone, I wanted to share that I have also felt like a zombie for quite a lot of the past couple of weeks, with feelings of exhaustion and hopelessness, and finding it hard to keep making and eating meals. As some of my most deeply buried trauma seems to be rising up, my usual protector parts (hypervigilant, perfectionist, constantly questioning, etc) seem to have stopped and a more extreme protector has made herself known.

My understanding is limited but I think that as traumatic fragmented memories of sexual abuse at a very young age come up, there are young parts of my psyche that experience the situations as happening right now and so this extra-strength protector has recently been doing the same thing she did back then to help me survive - by reducing my conscious awareness as much as possible. It's been keeping me awake at night so that I'm incredibly tired through the day. At its worst, it was keeping me curled up in bed with my eyes closed in almost a trance for most of the day. It was reducing my ability to eat properly, sometimes by making me feel too exhausted and at other times, too nauseous. When I made it outside, I was walking slowly, shoulders hunched over, needing to stop and sit down every 15 minutes or so. 

My T has increased my sessions to three times a week for a while and I've been on citalopram for a couple of weeks, which as a combination seems to be helping me start to pull myself a bit back towards normal. I'm hoping that as part of that I can connect with this shutting down protector, and help her understand I appreciate what she did for me when I was young, but that she needs to stop now. What I needed back when I was young was a caring adult to look after me, and that's the experience I could give the young parts now but the effects this protector has been causing these days have been completely stopping the adult part of me from having any space in my mind.

In my last T session, I told him that it feels like the shutting down protector believes I'm a baby or a few years or so old and that, as well as trying to save me from being aware of abuse back then, it feels like she might also believe that if she breaks me enough (by reducing sleep, eating, sanity, etc) then a grown up will have to come and rescue and look after me. My T then admitted that there had been a couple of times over the last two weeks when he'd thought things had reached a level where I might need some time as an in-patient. I've never had that so far, but imagine it'd be a long way from my protector's fantasy of being looked after somewhere cosy and safe by a mother-type person.

Over the last two days, now that I've been able to start looking after myself a bit more, I'm making an effort to imagine telling and showing this protector part how much better things are when she makes space in my mind for my adult part, so that I can become more functional again. I can make a comfy bed with freshly cleaned bedding, have a tidy room, order in a grocery shop rather than having an empty fridge, get the washing up done, have enough focus to read a book or watch a comedy, etc. It's early days and I've no idea from one week to the next these days how much I'll be able to handle life, but it has given me a bit of hope back.

I liked what you said at the end of your 23rd November post: "I hope that those of us who feel this way are able to cling together a bit until we start to feel better." I've got no idea if what you've been experiencing has anything to do with a protector part responding to your fears by trying to shut your body and mind down in an attempt to give you some level of safety, but I thought I'd reply just in case, as some of what you describe going through sounded similar to what I've been feeling. I'm glad you and your doctor are monitoring your health and I hope so much that things improve for you soon.

[Chart]

Reading through the experiences and reflections here is so... solid... I'm looking for the word. A year ago when I separated from my girlfriend and had my subsequent breakdown, I felt very much as though I was transported back to infancy: body pain, mental incapacity, confusion and the end-all: incessant, overwhelming, FEAR. I'm getting the suspicious feeling that developmental trauma is so insanely messed up, the only way out is to "simply" re-do it all again. And this time, turn it around and do it "right".

As I face my fear, I imagine holding my infant self. I imagine hard. Like pushing a muscle, every morning, fifteen pumps. I do this 5-10 times per day now. I lose count. I too am getting some periods of relief. Mine seem less intense than yours, PC, but they can last several hours. Maybe something is altering. The Sedona method has helped me to imagine a steep hill that I hit and causes pain. But I go into the pain and acknowledge it, working my way up the hill, because I've come to understand that there is Peace on the other side. In fact there is Peace all around, and it's permanent. BUT I can't get to it unless I acknowledge/push forward through the Pain. Not to escape, but rather to find its "parameters", to get to "know" it. Every time I ask, where is it in my body) at first I felt nothing, but now it's coming.) I don't "accept" the pain, but I do "credit" it. It's the baby suffering and THAT deserves my attention. So I take that little guy in pain in my arms and I try to love the livin' bejesus outta him. It's taken me a long time to be able to do this. I was totally resistant when my T suggested it, even offering me a little plastic baby back in August. Last week I started carrying him with me everywhere. Adopting and making myself play this metaphor was really weird and hard. It seems so utterly ridiculous when I look at it from a "societal" perspective. I also find it hilarious: my brain is so "dumb" it actually falls for the trick. It thinks the baby is now being cared for and properly protected... I find this utterly amazing. Anyway, that's where I'm at. Keepin' on keepin' on. We'll see where this gets me. I see a lot of positive in what is happening to us, what we're describing here and elsewhere. Observing symptoms is how we whittle out a technique that nudges the rudder the way it wants to go. Keep going, that's all I can say. That and Love. Thank you PC, and everyone contributing. It helps so much.
 

[NarcKiddo]

I think the nature of EF's is that you can, indeed, feel like you are actually in the old situation. Just because adult you knew you were physically sitting on your adult sofa in your adult house drinking your adult coffee and waiting for your adult wife does not mean that child you was not at the same time experiencing the familiar fear. However, I hope that your current strategy of feeling that fear will pay off, even though it is unpleasant at the time. Because something in there has to (I assume) realise that the fear on this occasion did not lead to you ending up at Catholic school. A zoom meeting may not have been the very best activity, only because there are similar elements to school with that particular meeting. Having to concentrate, discuss projects etc. Or maybe it will turn out to have been a good activity. Similarities to school but different enough, with way nicer and less scary people (I hope!!!!!). So your brain can start to experience that things are different now.

Hang in there, Papa C. And I'm glad to read you are monitoring your physical health.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Dear PapaCoco,

I am feeling the pain behind your words. The palpable vulnerability has made me cry. And I know for sure, tonight when I lay down to sleep, I would sob in my pillow, asking the universe to make things easier for you, PapaCoco.
I wish I could give you a hug right now, and I would keep on holding onto you until you felt better. I could hold you PapaCoco, if I could. So I am sending you a virtual hug.
I'll send in more before this one runs out haha. I am crying. I hope it gets better PapaCoco.
Till then, please remember there is a girl that remembers you in her prayers every single day.
Another virtual hug.
PapaCoco, take care of yourself please. The world needs your kindness, I know, because I do. And the world would be a better place if there were more people like you.
I feel emotionally connected with your journal entries.
A kiss on the forhead.
Love and Light
Sunshine

Uhm. I didn't mean to come across as intense but this is how I genuinely feel. Reading some of the other responses, I have realized I'm not very good with providing solution-based answers. But I'd hold onto your journey as you find your answers. There's a saying. A friend is someone who sits besides you when it is raining when they have can easily shelter themselves from it.
I can't take away your pain, I can sit with you through it. That is what I'm going to do.
A positive thing that happened recently:
I had exams scheduled for 2nd of December and I had prayed for their post ponement since I had taken some time off to care about my family. And you know what happened PapaCoco, I just got a notification that they have post poned the annual exams because of some reason.
The universe works in weird ways.
To my Friend PapaCoco,
Love and Light
Sunshine