Being diagnosed at 52

[fozzie55]

I am so sorry . It is Roy Alfred NOT Roy Arnold. Senior moment?

[AphoticAtramentous]

I just wanted to be 'normal' so badly (I wanted to be perfect actually). I didn't want to be the one who couldn't do certain things. Be the one with special needs, ugh (speaking for myself here, not trying to shame anyone with special needs). Because, actually I do have special needs. And now, for the first time ever I think, I am starting to take care of my needs, special or not. And that brings relief and some relaxation at times, but at the same time it's so strange to think of myself this way.

Wow, it's like you took the words right out of my heart. I'm glad you spoke about this. I absolutely despise the idea of being "abnormal", I have said to my therapists so many times... "I just want to be normal." I dislike the term "neurodivergent" being applied to myself because it implies I need assistance or adjustments, when I don't want assistance or adjustments, I don't want to rely on handicaps or aids - because I have this deep desire to be strong and independent. I want to be able to do anything anyone else can, otherwise I feel broken or useless. And as you said, this is obviously not my opinion towards other neurodivergent folks - it's just my own internal perception.

Another thing is that a couple years back, I thought I was highly sensitive (I may well be) but that didn't turn out to be the answer.

Same here. :') I often equated my emotional flashbacks to me being overly emotional, before I knew emotional flashbacks were a thing. The huge difference is that the emotional flashbacks can be countered by mentally addressing the flashback, unlike HSP that can sometimes be caused by just some whack genetics. :\

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Thanks for your helpful and kind comments.

I often equated my emotional flashbacks to me being overly emotional, before I knew emotional flashbacks were a thing.

Looking back, I now find so many instances of me not feeling well in the past and they ALL turned out to be emotional flashback. And some periods were flashback-periods actually, years of EF's it feels. That I coulnd't account for any other way but me being too sensitive or defected somehow.

and all my coping mechanisms simply did not work anymore.

That's what it took for me too. A giant emotional flashback when one of the formative traumas of my childhood happened again and I couldn't cope anymore, and I knew I needed help.

[Desert Flower]

I've been away for a while (just very busy and time flew) and looking back on what I wrote, I now feel calmer, I'm getting used to 'the way I am' a little bit. Not putting myself down all the time but recognising what is going on and trying to deal with it (not always successfully, but sometimes it does work). I feel that I'm now finally starting to get to know myself for real. Not trying to push it away all the time. And feeling a little better.