Extreme self-criticism

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

Lately I have been feeling really stressed out about various things, mostly my weight my finances and this ongoing crippling insecurity over my personality.

The third one was triggered by the last appointment I had with my psychologist last Tuesday, the aftermath is still lingering today. For context I have a diagnosis of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, as far as I'm aware one of its many symptoms includes emotional dysregulation. I previously thought of myself as the way I wanted to be perceived, a stoic and unemotional person (I swear that in November I went through a phase of emotional bluntness out of the blue), and my entire ego was completely ruined on Tuesday when my psychologist spoken to me about my recent behaviour (I was acting very extraverted, loud, violent, aggressive, oversharing, impulsive, getting into serious trouble due to rage, and also dramatic and theatrical which I really really don't want to be perceived as) and I felt extremely uncomfortable. He tried explaining to me the difference between my actual self and the way I act while stressed but it didn't help, I was far too emotionally disturbed.
Constantly (not necessarily following the appointment, like long before that) I experience constant self-doubt and self-criticism combined with feelings of regret, shame, embarrassment, indecision, an overall feeling of intense awkwardness, psychological discomfort. For a long time I've had an obsession with personality systems (especially MBTI and enneagram) and I get intrusive thoughts "Am I technically an extravert, which I really don't want to be?" I'm constantly analysing my own behaviour and stressing out "I felt energised after interacting with [insert person]" or "I overshare all of the time without even realising it I'm so open and honest meanwhile most other people keep it to themselves THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING" or "I act without thinking and I have really bad planning skills" or "I've got past memories of various people on the internet saying XYZ about me" then the "does this mean I'm technically an extravert?" resulting in intense, horrid feelings of self-criticism (I'm definitely not saying I hate extraverts I think that all personalities are good in their own way, it's just that I personally don't want to be perceived as such end of story) pretty much completely forgetting the actual definitions (according to my psychologist, not the internet).
Not just that but as the result of my constant self-doubt I feel uncomfortable all of the time, I'm constantly imagining extremely uncomfortable imaginary hypothetical scenarios (especially whenever in certain situations).

I currently have no-one else to speak to, well I've got a discord friend but I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing this with them, there's the mental health forum but on there it's the same old same old all I'd get is a few upvotes and a few vague comments that do nothing, there's Reddit but for some reason my account won't work, the only other option I could think of was some kind of helpline (I'd rather email than phone to save phone credit). Other than my psychologist there's no other mental health professionals I can think of for the time being anyway, I've got an assessment with the crisis team but that isn't until February 2025.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey Gecko, sorry to hear about your struggles with all this. I can resonate especially on the personality aspect, wanting to be different to how I am, being overly conscious of how I act with others and wishing I didn't act like X or Y. I was also deep into the personality type models for a while, trying to use it as a way of understanding myself, trying to fit into a box that felt just right for me.

I of course am no therapist, and cannot say for sure what you are experiencing - but if I relate it to my own experiences, it sounds like you just have different parts of your self with different needs - and you might feel ashamed because those parts of you are acting so differently to how you wish. When I get overly bubbly and extraverted, I feel so full of regret and self-judgement afterwards. But when I consider that "phase" as just a different part of me, a part of me with different needs, rather than it defining me completely, it feels a little easier to process. Essentially I consider it separate from my core self, an extraverted side that needs social interaction, different from the side of me that needs space and privacy. As human beings, we generally all need some level of human interaction - and I can understand why that is an uncomfortable prospect to those who have trauma. So I find this mental separation can help process those uncomfortable phases.

I also wanted to just remind - take things one step at a time. It sounds like you've got a lot going on, but you don't have to get it all fixed in one go. It's far easier to just deal with one thing first - starting with whatever is hurting you the most right now. Think of it like... rather than lifting 60kg in one trip, instead do 3 trips of 20kg.

Regards,
Aphotic.