starting over

[sanmagic7]

thanks, chart, for your support.

been a while since i've been here, due mostly to being ill for 2 weeks.  my D got some kind of bug just lately, has been walking around a little (masked, so as not to give it to me) but mostly in her room.  so far i haven't gotten it. 
she's also still dealing w/ her cancer diagnosis, has to get another biopsy for something else they found on the MRI from last week.  and the beat goes on . . .

we'll have 2 cancer survivors in this household when she's finished with all this. i hate the thought that we've both had to struggle w/ this.

i continue to work on the idea . . .  dang, i lost my train of thought.  too much in my head, everything's vying to have space front and center. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
It's horrible when the space front and center in the head is so tight, but I very much hope that you get some resting moments, and more space to process what you want to - and also room for a big hug from me as well 
Hope

[rainydiary]

San, I am thinking of you and your daughter as you navigate health related things.  I resonate with what you say about so many things trying to be front and center.

[Phoebes]

San, I'm so sorry about your D's diagnosis. I'm thinking of you and her as you tackle this one step at a time. That is a lot. I hope your reconnection with your cousin was helpful and non-judgemental. Thinking of you and sending loads of support 

[Desert Flower]

Sending you and your D. lots of warmth and love in these difficult times. Hang in there.

[NarcKiddo]

Thinking of you and your D. The cancer treadmill is a tough one to be on. They seem to have a habit of finding yet more things to investigate. Of course it is good that they are thorough, but the emotional toll is very high. And of course the stress lowers the immune system, so the other bugs come in. Ugh.

 

[sanmagic7]

hope, there's always room for a big hug from you.  thank you so.

thanks, rainy.  too much is too much, right? 

thank you for the support, phoebes.  so appreciated.

DF, thank you so much for your caring. 

NK, thank you for your kindness and understanding.  what you wrote about finding other stuff reminded me of so many times when i've taken a car in for something, they always found more!  got a little chuckle out of that, which i appreciated.

you all are truly wonderful people, and dear to my heart.

woke up in the middle of the night, nauseous.  still there, which, after having the stomach flu is frightening.  i guess i need to take a day off, and just be. 

i spent the afternoon w/ my galpal a few days ago, and she's in a lot of pain, has been, and i feel so bad for her.  i needed to write this down cuz i have to get out of my own way about it.  i did a little of my healing thing w/ her, she said she didn't believe in it, i said i do.  that left me w/ a bad feeling, and when i talked to her yesterday i apologized if i had crossed a line w/ her.

she said, no, she just didn't like it, didn't want to do it, and mentioned something about not being very sensitive about disagreeing, and i said i was very sensitive.  we talked it out, but it brought up flashbacks of how i've often been looked at as kind of a weirdo, or cuz i didn't empathize w/ others, i ruined a great friendship, which is no more.  i'm hoping putting that here will help me let this go.

she's been kind and generous w/ me since i've been back, and we honestly do have a good time together, but it's very plain to me how very different she and i are.  i've gotten to be so introspective, self-reflective, very in tune w/ myself and she's not really like that.  it's the old mentality i grew up with, that i don't fit with anymore.  it's hard for me to go back to that - besides which, when i was like that i was either in survival mode or drunk.  things didn't matter the same way to me then.

i want to accept this as it is, be ok w/ it, and just have fun w/ her, be a friend.  i don't like that this crapola from the past come up to bite me in the butt.  still. 

[sanmagic7]

my D has to go for another MRI on thurs. and it's going to be a long, horrible procedure - intravenous solution to make things show up more, laying on her belly w/ arms over her head, MUST absolutely stay still or it'll have to be done over.     i am so stressed that she has to go thru this, her anxiety is running all over the place.  poor thing.

talked to my galpal about it, how stressed i am, she said she wanted to come w/ me when my D had her surgery, just to be there for me, and i burst into tears.  she got all flustered, wanted to end the call so i could 'pull' myself 'together'.  it felt like someone wanted to yank the life buoy out from under me when i was on the verge of drowning!  i kept talking, not wanting to let her get off the phone, told her it was good for me to cry, i was only crying cuz i hadn't had very many people in my life actually want to support ME.  i felt frantic for a bit because of that.

i was able to calm down and able to let her go, but it was another example to me of how people are so very uncomfortable w/ emotions.  they really just want others to be ok or supportive, but not show any real emotion.  it was difficult to navigate that interaction.  i don't know . . .

[Desert Flower]

Hi San, I can just feel the anxiety and stress of having to go through such a procedure, it's very tough. Sending you both strength and calm to get through it

And I so feel how people cannot deal with any negative emotions. And it's so unhealthy to keep them within! So very good that you're spilling them here, not easy but very good and healthy! Keep that up!

[Phoebes]

  I can understand how complex receiving support in a really difficult time can be. I'm glad you're able to lean into it and accept support from caring people through this time. Big hugs to you San 

[sanmagic7]

DF, thank you for your encouragement, support, and empathy.  so appreciated.  i'm so glad i've got this place.

[sanmagic7]

ooops, i hit 'post' and cut myself off.

phoebes, thank you so much for your care.  it's so new and different, which is what makes it weird in a way.  but, i'm so thankful for it.

i'm in the holiday spirit more than i've been in a very long time.  i've been having a pretty good time seeing our decorations, and even have felt somewhat enthusiastic about putting some up in my room.  that's been squelched out of me for many years - christmas isn't celebrated the same way in mexico, and i spent a lot of years there.  for one thing, adults don't give other adults gifts at christmastime, which i found sad.

my D has buoyed me along w/ decorating since i began living w/ her, making sure we had some decorations and lights up every year.  i wouldn't have bothered if it were me alone.  last nite we made chex mix together to give to family and friends, and it was really fun.  very heartwarming.  i've even put lights on the branches in my room.  it's feeling nice and homey inside me.

i forgot about the stress for a minute there.

[Armee]

 

It sounds lovely. 

I hope that your friend is someone who can be gently guided into giving the support that anyone would need going through this. She clearly wants to be a support but also clearly doesn't know about emotional support and how important it is to have someone just listen to our emotions and be there. On the other hand having someone there as "support" who forces you to keep all your emotions locked up inside, that is not helpful aside from a free ride and a distraction.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, armee, for your perspective.  i totally agree. 

i was able to talk to her about it yesterday, she was kind to me, said she wanted to support me.  it felt good.  she and i are both glad to be back in each other's lives.  she's also got friends, like i did, who are a one-way street.  but she's seeing a different kind of friend w/ me. 

i talked to my D a little bit about it, how so many people we know here are not really interested in knowing or understanding much more than what their parents taught them, perspective, the world, other people, etc.  and how very opinionated they are from that narrow vantage point.  one of the reasons i didn't quite fit in here.  neither did my D.  i don't know if i can change anything, but i can give an entirely different opinion and perspective.  they're not necessarily bad people - very good-hearted, generous, caring, all that good stuff - just don't have expanded mindsets on people who are different from them, mostly.

like me.  but i've been different in some way from most of the friends i've run with.  again, the weirdo.  i'm not exactly unhappy w/ that, just that sometimes it's felt dismissive of my entire being.  i think a lot of it is also because i haven't been able to 'see' things exactly the same way - alexithymia and spectrum issues have gotten in the way of that at times.  again, i've lived life for the most part very confused and detached.  and i don't think that's anything i can help.  it just is, and how could anyone understand that? 

i also noticed yesterday how very many triggers i navigate.  i was reading something, and there was a reference to my mother's name, and i suddenly shot back to memories i didn't like.  that still happens and it's hard to stay even sometimes. 

i just flashed on some of this is coming out cuz tomorrow's a big day for my D at the hospital, and the stress of it has come to the fore.  ugh!

[sanmagic7]

MRI day today.  we're both anxious about it.  i do have some 'homework' to do while she's in the machine - they have a sort of spa for cancer patients, massages offered among other things, and i'm gonna check it out, feel the vibes, etc.  hopefully she can take advantage of it.  this crapola really wreaks havoc w/ muscles, etc.

i wanted to do a little something for our friends/family who have helped us so much, so i made chex mix, and we found some fun christmas tins at the dollar store.  this weekend we'll deliver the bunch.  haven't felt this christmas-y in a very long time.

my stomach is beginning to clench after listening to my D describe the procedure she has to go thru.  ugh!  horrible.  thank everything good that i got some sleep last nite.  i'm looking forward to this being done w/.