My journey so far

[StartingHealing]

Little2Nothing,

If ok with you, sending good vibes. 

Wishing you and yours, all the best

[Little2Nothing]

SH, it's okay and appreciated. 

[Armee]

 

When this happens to me I feel like I have fallen into a flashback tunnel. There are lots of paths in (triggers) but once you get there you don't (yet) have paths out and can't retrieve yourself because we put these walls around the trauma bits in our brains. That's how it feels to me. Like getting stuck with no path out. I have a second T I see...she's a music T but also does a lot of somatic type work. We were working on that yesterday because I fell in the tunnel this week too.

First she worked on grounding me and getting me to a place where there are good feelings. For me that's reminding me of how I feel around my kids which is happy and powerful  (meaning I would protect them with all my might).

From there she had me just tiptoe up to the edge of the tunnel then she verbalized for me the thoughts I could make for myself...no. I'm not going in there. No this is not good for me. No I don't need to go in there. Stop. Etc. It did work in that moment where I was teetering on the edge of feeling bad things but didn't get consumed. I don't know if it will work when I am alone and when the trigger happens too fast to catch it. But I've noticed that triggering has slowed down where I have more time now where I could wedge a foot in the closing door and do something different. I often don't, because I feel like I "should" be able to handle whatever triggering situation I am in. But there is more space now for me to be able to slow the snowball roll.

So I don't know if that will be feasible for you yet, I don't know if it is feasible for me but I'm sharing in case it helps today or later. I also thought about well is that like ignoring our exiles and leaving them in their trauma but I don't think so. If we can stay at the edge instead of falling in that's the only way we can witness, otherwise we reexperience and become blended and we can't save our exiles that way.

Other than that I am really sorry that you went through all these horrible  experiences and now have to relive them all the time. It's really difficult. I think you are doing so well considering everything. Truly I do. It's always going to be there but I do believe it will get less intense and you'll have more peace over time. 

[Chart]

L2N, It is said that the underworld has nine levels. It seems you were dragged down to some of the deepest. That you have regained the surface with your heart and soul intact is a testament to your deep strength and determination. I do not believe you are weak. But I understand your feeling of weakness. The adult sees and feels still the emotions of the child, yet judges themselves as though they were an adult. It cannot be. The child that wasn't permitted to "be" a child, simply lives on. It seems you have come face to face with that child and now more than ever you know how much he deserves something else than what he got. It is indeed too late for justice for the perpetrators, that route is utterly useless and leads to emptiness. But there's another path possible. It runs in all metaphorical terms the exact opposite to "vengeance": What does your wounded child-self need and deserve? And how can you provide it? Is such a thing even possible?

You say "The struggle is mine alone." Forgive me if I contradict you. Maybe the work of healing is yours... and yet... Maybe you are struggling more terribly than you've ever struggled... indeed... But are you truly alone?

Your story fills me with inspiration... and this motivates me. You have done something for me with your writing AND your work. Please know that you are NOT alone. You have touched me and I feel you. My experiences are not the same as yours, but I know that of which you speak. Please, of all the things you are struggling with, don't think that you are alone. I feel confident speaking for everyone here, the way is terribly hard, but we are not alone.

[Little2Nothing]

Armee, thank you for the encouragement. The process you went through sounds logical and helpful. At this point looking at those things even on the periphery is difficult, but I hope to get there. I know I have to face these things and learn to see them as a past event that isn't happening anymore. 

Chart, I deeply appreciate your response. I am grateful to be on this forum and to have conversed with folks such as yourself and all the others. Thanks for reminding me that here I am not alone. 

I want to add to everyone who has encouraged me in this process that your collective wisdom has been invaluable to me on my journey. Everyone has been so supportive and kind. So thank you guys for being here and caring. It means a lot to me.

[Little2Nothing]

I contacted a local mental health group this past week to find out about ketamine infusions. Of course insurance doesn't cover it and would cost around 1k per session. So that is out. 

They told me about Spravato which esketamine. Apparently in the ketamine family. Instead of infusions it is administered via nasal spray. They told me it was very effective. 

Has anyone tried Spravato? 

[Little2Nothing]

**Trigger Warning**
I cannot remember a holiday as a child that didn't involve violence and blood. All my significant memories have fear, dread and sadness linked to them. Although, I am certain there must have been times when this wasn't the case, but none ever come to mind. The violence is what I remember. Faces twisted in anger, hurtful words and disregard for the personhood of others.

This week I talked to my T and told her I cannot remember any of my siblings being present. No shared smiles, No anticipation of something good. Throughout those years I can only remember snippets of events. My brother with me in the orphanage, for instance, I have two distinct memories of those 3 to 4 years. The same for the others as well. 

I have (had) two brothers I had never met. One died at six months in a state institution. The other died 3 years ago. I have a sister that I met for the first time about 15 years ago. Up until then she hadn't wanted to meet me. I don't blame her, she had been through so much. She and the brother were in an orphanage only 10 miles from where I was placed. 

Then my step brothers and sister numbered six. There were 13 of us in all. Three of my brother's I had never spend a holiday with. The rest that I am certain were to some holidays I just can't remember them there. 

I was sitting here today thinking about all the lonely folk out there who have no one to gather with. Today, I am fortunate. I have my wife and kids, and grandkids to spend time with, to laugh with and feel my heart warmed watching them interact with respect and genuine care.

I am thankful for the intact families that I know, where the father and mother are present. They care for their family and watch over their children with protective love. There are good, decent and loving parents in the world. I'm glad their kids will never know what it means to be neglected, beaten, abused or treated as if their have no worth.

I was not so fortunate. Growing up was hard. I saw, heard and experienced things no child should ever know. I cannot change it. I cannot forget it. Sadly, it haunts me relentlessly and I feel the scorn, blame and shame of it to this day. 

I hope all on here have a very good day. I hope your day is filled with love and compassion.  

[Armee]

Not even an adult should have to have experienced the things you did as a child. They were tremendously difficult.  I'm so glad you have your beautiful family now too and I hope you are so proud of what you created out of whole cloth and against all odds. Hopefully one day all the positive we have around us will start to really sink in and dampen the negative memories. 

[Little2Nothing]

Thanks Armee, I am on my way to healing. Sometimes the journey to heal seems as hard as the journey to need healing. I have a loving family now and am close to all my kids. 

[Armee]

I agree with that.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you for sharing, Little2Nothing. I resonate a lot with what you mentioned. Growing up shouldn't be hard, it should be a nurtured and guided experience, rather than just trying to survive. I'm sorry you went through all that.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Little2Nothing]

**TRIGGER WARNING**

I have been sharing portions of my past because it is helpful to verbalize them. I have held these things in for so long that it has affected my physical as well as mental and emotional well being.

One of the worst betrayals in my life was the sexual abuse I endured. The first time it happened I was 5 or 6. A neighbor kid who was a teenager abused me for about a year. At some point I told my M and her reaction was anger, not at him, but at me for telling tales. I received a whipping and was told not to lie.

The second time was at the orphanage. My house mother did very inappropriate things to a lot of the boys in my cottage. I was at the home for several years.

When I was around 9 or 10 my mother began taking me to a man who, I believe, she was having an affair with. She took me there and left me with him many times over an extended period of time. My mind is fuzzy on the exact time frame, During this period I also had an older brother who abused me as well. 

When I was close to 12 my M and SF took me to Indiana where she negotiated, for money, to have me go live with a man who was from Kentucky. She told me I would be happy there and I would be leaving with him. I snuck out and hitchhiked home which was in a neighboring state.

It wasn't long after that that I left home permanently. I was 13.

During that time I became a drunk, a thief, and was very violent. I did a lot of things for which I am ashamed.  

After I left home I lived on the street until I was 16. I was able to get a job and rent a room in a boarding house. It would be several years before I reconnected to my M.

I cannot fathom what went through the mind of my M, nor can I understand how a parent could love their child so little as to deliberately put them in danger. I cannot remember ever feeling connected anywhere. I was , so to speak, on my own. The things mentioned above coupled with other things I endured robbed me of a sense of safety and I found it, and still find it, hard to trust anyone. I hated and blamed myself for much of what happened. To this day I still struggle to find value in myself. 

I know that much of what I did was for survival and I know rationally none of it was my fault. But somewhere deep inside of me there is an image that is twisted, broken and crippled. It is the person created by the circumstance. He refuses to die. His voice is louder than my rational mind. He seems to always win the day. I can only subdue him for a short while and that battle is exhausting.

I still hold on to hope that in time it will get better. Actually, after several years of therapy I can see some improvement. I don't want to end this with doom and gloom. I still hope because I must, without it I would give up.

[Desert Flower]

Hi L2N. You're so couragous writing all of this here. It certainly is a lot of wrong things that happened to you as a kid. Very wrong. I don't know how people can be so horrificly cruel.
I'm with you on not being able to believe how a mother could put her kid in such a situation. I cannot get my head around it.

This is very hard to read, I can relate because of similar experiences:

At some point I told my M and her reaction was anger, not at him, but at me for telling tales.

During that time I became a drunk, a thief, and was very violent. I did a lot of things for which I am ashamed.  

I know how shame works so that's how you feel. I also did many things I'm very ashamed of. But shame should run over to the other side, like Gisele Pelicot said and she's right I think. We are not the ones that should be ashamed. Yes, we did some stupid stuff, but we're not bad, we are people who need and deserve to be loved like anybody else.

And despite the strength of your inner critic, I do believe there is also a little boy in there who just wanted/wants to be loved and who is by nature a good boy. You writing all of this here, is what proves to me he's in there. I'm sending hugs for the little boy, if that's all right, and maybe at some point, with enough encouragement/courage he can be coaxed out and he will know that we love him.

And you're writing this here also shows me you are processing, and as a result I do believe things will indeed get a little bit better for you.

I'm sending you lots of good wishes, I feel for you so much.

(I hope my words are not too much, please disregard them if they are. I'm feeling quite emotional myself.)

[NarcKiddo]

What follows are my immediate thoughts relating to the quoted part of your post. If you would rather not read anything concerning that then please skip the rest of this post and forgive my overstep.

But somewhere deep inside of me there is an image that is twisted, broken and crippled. It is the person created by the circumstance. He refuses to die. His voice is louder than my rational mind. He seems to always win the day. I can only subdue him for a short while and that battle is exhausting.

I am glad you are feeling able to share some of your pain. It is a brave thing to do. I'm also very glad that you can see some improvement from the therapy. Your whole post - your need to share here and your reference to the broken person you cannot subdue - makes me wonder whether the broken person needs a voice. It is scary to allow parts of ourselves out even to ourselves, let alone "in public", as it were, but it seems to me that sometimes they cannot rest until they have had their say and been heard. If that is the case with your person then it is good that you are finding a way to air some of his feelings but managing them so they don't completely overwhelm you. Of course I don't know how much overwhelm you are having to deal with simply by referencing the person - but it feels like you are coping. I hope you are.

[Armee]

 

It's for you, for the little boy who was so badly abused, and the twisted part of you that did what he had to to survive.