Stumbled upon this, hello

[UnwaveringResolve]

Hello. This site was mentioned in a redit post so I checked it out. I am happy this exists! I have been feeling so lost and confused.

To avoid someone recognizing me ill just go by my username. Made it by randomly generating words till I got two I liked together.

I have not been able to get officially diagnosed yet due to time and financial restraints. But I have very strong suspicions due to my past and present.

• Bullied from a young age. Due to being socially strange.
• Lost my mom around 17.
• Step dad with anger and rage issues. And chronic liar. possible narc.
• Passively shunned from him before college.
• Moved in with bio dad. Hoarder with ocd and other mental disorders, on disability.
• Moved out to get away from it, but couldn't afford it. Ended up homeless and squatting in an abandoned complex.
• Moved in with a perfect stranger to get back on track.
• Got first job and car at 23.
• The emotional neglect from this helpful stranger wore on me.
• Dated and moved in with an strongly suspected narc.
• Chaotic lifestyle ensued with this narc that I ended up marrying out of blind ignorance.
• Tons of emotional abuse and violent threats and reactive abuse from this.
• He started physical abuse so I left.
• Currently with a trusted friend and beginning to try to recover from it all.
• Lost my fur babies the narc got without asking me. I loved them like my own. But lost some due to his poor ability to care for them. In the process of finding the rest homes. It's bee hard on me to have to give up my fur children. But he was and is using them as bait to try to keep me around.

I hope to find a type of therapy that works for me and that I can afford with no insurance.
I do wonder if, like my dad, I should be on disability too. My narc ex said it would be me giving up. But idk. I can't seem to work full time without getting dysregulated and overwhelmed.

I hope to find solace here in mutual understanding and relatability.
And some help for recovery while I am unable to get therapy.

Thank you for your time! ❤️

[Desert Flower]

Hi UnwaveringResolve,
I like your nick name. From what you write, it looks to me you came to the right place indeed. A warm welcome to you. That is a lot of bad stuff that happened to you. I'm very sorry it did. I hope you will find the kindness of the people here to be helpful and you may start/continue your healing. Coming here is a big step already so good for you!

This resonated with me:

I do wonder if, like my dad, I should be on disability too. My narc ex said it would be me giving up. But idk. I can't seem to work full time without getting dysregulated and overwhelmed.

I've been thinking about this myself. I feel the same way about work, that with the other things going on in my life as well. And would quitting work be taking care of myself or giving up? (Don't listen to the narcs though, I think they don't want us to process things because it will look bad on them!)

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS UnwaveringResolve 

I am genuinely sorry for all that you have and are going through, CPTSD can make life so tough. I'm glad you found us as it can help to know you are not alone and that your symptoms are common to having been abused/neglected.   

I too think CPTSD should be considered a disability given it is so difficult to finish an education program and/or work with the symptoms we experience. It's something we will need to push for though. Complex PTSD is not yet well known especially by regulators who make policies around disability.   

 

[SenseOrgan]

Welcome here UnwaveringResolve! I'm sorry you went through so much pain. It seems to me you've come to the right place.

I understand ambivalence around being on disability. It took a lot of external pressure for me to go that route and I'm grateful for the one who nudged me. Every single day. Because the constant dysregulation and overwhelm were killing me. C-PTSD is not a character flaw, you know. C-PTSD is invisible and understood by very few. This does not make it into something one could shrug off with enough will power. Whether getting into disability is giving up or not is a value judgment. Only an uninformed person would say something like that. It has nothing to do with what is the most healthy, constructive, sustainable choice to make in the context of a devastating condition.

Much love.

[Papa Coco]

UR

I'm genuinely sorry to hear of all you've been through. I was struck also by your comment: ...My narc ex said it would be me giving up. But idk. I can't seem to work full time without getting dysregulated and overwhelmed....

After having been lured into relationships with more than a few narcissists in my day, I learned to never again listen to a single word they say, because I've learned that everything a narcissist says is either a flat out lie or a backhanded confession. (Like that old saying that when you point at me with one finger, you're pointing back at yourself with the other 3). If you ever want to know what they are guilty of, just wait for them to accuse you of something. As soon as they accuse you of doing something, you now know what they are guilty of doing. Everything they say is a lie, a threat, an insult, or a confession. Even if it's based in truth, somehow, it's tainted to be an insult to the good people in the world.

And, every conversation is a competition that they feel they need to win. If you say, "It's sunny and warm today", They'll say, "Everyone knows we need rain." If we say it's raining, then, "Everyone knows we need sunshine."  No matter what you say, they have a comeback to make you feel stupid for having said it.

My current strategy for interacting with narcissists is to not interact with narcissists. Don't give them ANY details of your life because they'll use them against you. Before I changed all my phone numbers, email addresses, and Facebook name, I would say "In my family, ANYTHING I say will eventually be used against me." So, I stopped saying anything. I haven't seen my Family of Origin since 2010. Don't even know if any of them are even still alive. Don't care. I'm done with those bullies.

Oh, and btw: Giving up on a narcissist is a GOOD THING!

I am pulling for you. I hope you are able to cut the ties with all the narcs in your life so you can move on. And I'm happy for you that you found this forum. I found it 3 years ago, and it's been one of the most positive pieces of my healing puzzle. And it's obviously very affordable for anyone with internet access.

PC

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, UnwaveringResolve! Appropriate name, even if randomly generated.

I'm sorry you've been through so much.

I do wonder if, like my dad, I should be on disability too.

That might come clear for you with time? I'm on disability but not in the US, so possibly different. e.g. I have been able to work on the side a bit, don't know if that's allowed where you are. But I've had to give up now, and that's being surprisingly difficult emotionally. However, I do know that depends on our own particular 'brand' of cptsd. There are no brands of course, but how it pans out exactly can vary quite a bit ime. otoh there's always at least one member on the forum who resonates with whatever seemingly outlandish symptom or thought I come out with. So I'm sure that you too will find a lot of support on the forum!! It's a really good, encouraging place.

I'm sorry you are having to re-home your furbabies    They can be such a good support.

For more on the pros and cons of working with cptsd (connected to disability), you might find some interesting posts on https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=180.0 

There's a lot of valuable information on the forum in general, and for first steps / ongoing steps in recovery for somebody who doesn't have insurance or doesn't have a therapist.

You might have checked https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=250.0 already? Even if you're not in a space/place where you can access books, you'll probably find something that appeals (and is free-of-charge) under Podcasts, Videos, Documentaries  or Conferences/Courses.

Hope to see more of you around the forum, when you're ready.

[Chart]

Welcome UnwaveringResolve!