Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Desert Flower]

Thank you, San 
Take care yourself. Thinking of you and your D.

[Armee]

 

I'm gonna put this out there and it will feel impossible especially in the midst of the EF:

You do not have to be with your mom for Christmas. You could take the holidays to rest and recover. I understand that it feels like you have to see her. I've been there. I lived between 5 and 20 minutes away from my mom -  who was very similar to yours - my whole adult life until she died.

But you can make a choice about what you do and don't want to do for the holidays. It doesn't have to cater to her every year. You can call in sick for the holidays, too. You ARE sick. You DO need to rest and recover. This IS what your body and mind need. Don't react right away just let the thought sink in a bit. You can put your needs first. That would be healthy.

Aside from that I am so very sorry for your current very strong EF. I hope it passes soon and you can find some things to help yourself feel more present.   

[Desert Flower]

Thank you too Armee, very kind of you.     I'll think about it when I can think clearly again. I'm trying to distract myself with chores and activities.

Just a little clarification: I have called in sick and the person that was angry was not my mother.

[Armee]

I understood that. I was noticing that you need to take this time to rest, but can't because your nervous system is gearing up to have to spend time with your mom.

[Desert Flower]

Right, okay.

I'm feeling a little better after my son's Christmas singing at school just now. It was so sweet and innocent.

Not quite there yet though. Barricaded my door again (!) just to be sure.    I'll be alright though, I feel.

[SenseOrgan]

...I'll be alright though, I feel.

I love it when trust is there despite difficult emotions. Like a bit of solid ground to stand on.

[Desert Flower]

Feeling better now. Very tired though. Had a good therapy session/ EMDR on the situation that was underneath this EF. Now, I need to rest.

[sanmagic7]

DF, i agree w/ armee about the holidays.  it sounds like some rest would be a lovely gift to yourself.  glad therapy was helpful as well.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Not quite out of the woods. Although I slept okay last night. But I feel I'm very easily triggered still. Keep apologising to people for things I did 'wrong' and when they don't respond, my first thought is 'see, they're angry with me (too)'. But I try to keep it in check, thinking: 'okay, my body/central nervous system is giving me all these alarm signals for nothing. Forget it. I'm okay. I probably apologised too much already.' And I'm taking care where I go, not to crowded places but to the beach.

[Desert Flower]

I still can't write about what happened to trigger this EF, I'm still too scared. Today started of with being really scared, and now, this being the fifth day of this EF, I'm just wrung out, so tired, I can't do anything but simple chores, can't think.

-Trigger warning-

I can write about what got triggered. It was some events with the step father we had. He was a violent person. He beat me up and raped my mom in the room next to mine while I could hear and I was afraid to move and do anything about it. And after so many incidents, when my mom had finally decided he should go, he didn't. And when he was out running some errands, and my mom had bolted the doors, he broke through the bolts and I was so scared. He was so angry. And when the police came to remove him, he was ever so collected and civil, the police let him stay for a few more hours to pack his things! That felt like no help again.

And the after my T and I had worked through this experiece with rescripting and EMDR last Thursday, on Friday I was scared againg and now I'm reliving the fear of having had a stalker for 6 months which ended in a court case. Back in the EF I am.

And now I'm so tired, feeling so guilty for my kids having this kind of mom, I can't even remember how I got through these past days but apparently I did and I'm still not looking forward to spending time with my mom this Christmas. I know what you guys said here but I can't bring myself to not take her. Although I do not know how I'm gonna drive to pick her up, being in the state I'm in. I didn't take any walks, I didn't do my meditations, I didn't do my breathing excercises. Just some chores is all I did. Not feeling well at all. Wanting to apologise for not being a good cheer.

[Armee]