Hello

[Tony a]

Hello my name is Tony

Within the last week or two, I found out that I have Complex PTSD, which was a huge revelation. For a long time, I thought my life was perfect, but I always felt empty inside. I struggled with two suicide attempts and self-harm that I never truly acknowledged, believing that I was okay when, deep down, I wasn't.

Finding out that my mother and father most likely has been controlling me my entire life was eye-opening. I'm starting to understand that I may have been a victim of emotional incest, something I'm still working through. It's difficult to fully process, but I believe this control went on for the first 22 years of my life until my husband came along and helped me see things differently.

I'm still not 100% okay, and there's a lot I'm still processing. It's hard because therapy is something we can't afford, but finding this forum and reading others' stories has been incredibly helpful. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone and that it's not just my behavior causing these issues—there's more to it, and it's not my fault.

Thank you all for being here and offering support. It's making a difference for me.

[Kizzie]

Hello and a warm welcome to OOTS Tony  I'm glad you found us and I hope it helps you to understand what led to you developing CPTSD, it's a big step forward when you pin that down.  And the support here is really helpful, mainly because everyone just gets it no matter what you say.

 

[Chart]

Hello Tony, welcome to the forum.
Emotional incest is a topic that remains relatively confusing to me, although I fully believe that I suffered from it from my mother, who could not respect my emotional limits due to her own emotional trauma-induced needs. This passed to a nearly (but not quite) physical/sexual abuse. Sex was openly discussed at the dinner table from when I was a very young age. Nudity was completely common and my own private space and body were never taken into account or respected. I developed over the years (starting at puberty) an intense revulsion of my mother, especially her touching me. Her emotional needs were so intense that it seemed at times to penetrate my very being, and indeed felt like incest. At adolescence I pulled away from my mother, but also shut myself off from everybody and everything. This lasted until I started to have a few healthy friendships as I became an adult. But I've struggled with limits my whole life and still find myself very often going emotionally "too far". In the sexual realm it is rather the exact opposite. I've pushed sexual relationships away for years thinking it was inappropriate, when it was just partners expressing their healthy desires. All that was extremely confusing for me most of my life.

I don't know if that was your experience, but in my case I don't often discuss this as my other trauma issues are for me of a much bigger daily impact and I feel the need to deal with these other elements. Nonetheless, my relationship with my mother has been severely strained all my life, and I am Low Contact with my close family for over a year now. This is almost entirely due to disrespect of my limits and refusal to acknowledge inappropriate behavior on their part.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Tony a!

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum, Tony a. Sorry to hear you're unable to afford therapy. I hope your time here will be able to give you some insights into your newfound diagnosis. You are definitely not alone.

Regards,
Aphotic.