Hello from me

[Peter Rabbit]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post on here, I've been lurking for a while and what a fantastic place it is    My name is Peter Rabbit, I live in the UK and in the last year I discovered I have complex trauma after reading a book called 'What my Bones Know' by Stephanie Foo.  I'm now 50 so have been living with the for a long time.  I have OCD too and until the last 12 months I thought that was my key mental health "condition" so have been focusing on treating that with varying results.  I've seen quite a few mental health professionals since my 30's but no one talked about trauma until my mid 40's.

One of my main symptoms is feeling like there's something wrong with me. I've felt like a bit of an outsider (not always) a bit of a trouble causer, one of those people that always finds a problem or has to be 'difficult'.  I now understand I feel like this because I spent my childhood being gaslit by one of my mentally unstable parents and that has caused a lot of emotional damage.

Although I fully trust myself in some aspects of life, I really struggle to trust my own judgement of a situation, an example is at work where I'm finding a number of people I manage very difficult personalities to deal with.  I constantly question myself if I'm being fair, reasonable /unreasonable with someone, did I read what they said wrong?  Am I overreacting? Is my judgement about their behaviour right?  I'm trying to be more assertive with what I need from them but worry I'll come across as angry, rude, like the people I don't like myself.  It's tortuous.

I've also struggled to have a long term partner and have left too many relationships to count which makes me very sad and a bit ashamed because of my fear of rejection.

Bit of a rant I know but it's really nice to find this place where people understand 

[Dark.art.girl]

Peter Rabbit, thank you so much for sharing your introduction. Welcome!!!

I'm sure a lot of us can relate to that feeling of being out of place, or as you put it, the trouble causer. I was always compared and always the one who didn't do something right. I realize now that it's from the parenting I got or the lack thereof. That totally unlocked a lot a memories for me from my childhood, and you're right: that causes so much damage. Gaslighting is by far the most damaging out of any mental/emotional abuse out there. The effects are insurmountable, especially on a young child. The biggest issue I've faced from that personally, like yourself, is always questioning myself on everything. Even trusting my gut instinct, which is dangerous at times. But it IS possible to keep learning and move past it

I'm sorry to hear about the problems you face with relationships, but I completely understand. You're not alone! Just keep in mind, it doesn't make you any less lovable.

Edit: I also wanted to mention, the whole reason I came across this forum in the first place is because of my inability to read social cues and behaviors at times which I had mistaken for autism. I then discovered CPTSD, and everything made sense. I also then discovered I read people better than I think lol so you're not out of place at all! It all comes back to the way we've been treated and what we learned in our environment. I'm so glad you've joined us and I'd love to hear more about your experiences if/when you'd like to share!!!

[Kizzie]

Although I fully trust myself in some aspects of life, I really struggle to trust my own judgement of a situation, an example is at work where I'm finding a number of people I manage very difficult personalities to deal with.  I constantly question myself if I'm being fair, reasonable /unreasonable with someone, did I read what they said wrong?  Am I overreacting? Is my judgement about their behaviour right?  I'm trying to be more assertive with what I need from them but worry I'll come across as angry, rude, like the people I don't like myself.  It's tortuous.

I know when I started this forum back in 2014 I would agonize over members who were not behaving in a respectful manner and would analyze everything I and they did/said. It was tortuous just as you describe. The I started asking my H who is ex-Army what he thought of certain members and he wouldn't skip a beat, just say something like "They're being difficult or a jerk so they're probably a troll". Over time I learned not to question my gut responses to them and dealt with them on my own without asking my H for his opinion.

I am also responsible for the guidelines here and over time I also thought about how healthy people would act and worked that into them. It all culminated in a mostly troll/difficult people free forum because the community wants respectful, tolerant and caring behaviour from fellow members.

So one thing you might use in your work is to clearly discuss the behaviour not the person, and let them know why it's not acceptable in your workplace. If they (inevitably) push back you lay it out for them again (i.e., what the issue is with their behaviour and what the consequence of not adjusting that may/will be), calmly and respectfully (which helps you to understand you are not being unfair or mean or whatever). After that end the discussion with the changes needed made clear to the person.

I don't know if there's anyone you could check what you're seeing as negative/difficult behaviour but if so that might also help reassure you like my H's help did me.

Hope this is helpful. Welcome to OOTS by the way! 

[Peter Rabbit]

Thanks for the welcome and nice comments Dark.art.girl, I'm also sorry you've struggled with this and that you were compared that way.    

So do you think you've managed to move past all the self questioning for the most part?  I doubt we can ever completely not question ourselves but it would be nice not to do it every time someone questions or challenges us.

That's interesting about social cues, I don't know if I miss them, not sure if this is CPTSD but I do find it difficult to listen to people who talk and their words make no real sense!! They seem to be in high management positions in the working world.  I find that very triggering.

[Peter Rabbit]

Hi Kizzie and thanks for the welcome

That's interesting you had the same difficulties with deciding if someone was being difficult on here and fantastic you've got things to where they are.  I suppose that's a bit like life in general, in my personal life I've learned to ditch the people who are a "draw" on my wellbeing, but I find it harder when it's family or work, that's where I do struggle and get in a mess, I think it's because there's more riding on it if you see what I mean.

So one thing you might use in your work is to clearly discuss the behaviour not the person, and let them know why it's not acceptable in your workplace. If they (inevitably) push back you lay it out for them again (i.e., what the issue is with their behaviour and what the consequence of not adjusting that may/will be), calmly and respectfully (which helps you to understand you are not being unfair or mean or whatever). After that end the discussion with the changes needed made clear to the person.

. 

This is good advice thank you, don't make it personal, make it about the behaviour. 

[Kizzie]

  Good luck!

[Dark.art.girl]

Thanks for the welcome and nice comments Dark.art.girl, I'm also sorry you've struggled with this and that you were compared that way.     

So do you think you've managed to move past all the self questioning for the most part?  I doubt we can ever completely not question ourselves but it would be nice not to do it every time someone questions or challenges us.

That's interesting about social cues, I don't know if I miss them, not sure if this is CPTSD but I do find it difficult to listen to people who talk and their words make no real sense!! They seem to be in high management positions in the working world.  I find that very triggering.

You're so so welcome and no worries at all!

I agree that I don't think it'll ever completely go away, but I noticed that putting a lot of effort toward reminding myself that I have good memory, I'm smart, I know what's good for me, etc. really helps in the moment I know sometimes it takes time to analyze someone's words and actions especially if it makes us question ourselves, but at the end of the day we know ourselves better than anyone. Definitely a lesson I'm still trying to learn daily, though lol

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome.

Much of what you wrote resonates with me, particularly the relationships issue. Although I have now been in a marriage for over 30 years, prior to that I had a very strong tendency to cut and run from a relationship at the first sign of what I perceived as trouble. I suspect my fear of rejection was a major factor, so I would get rid of them before they got rid of me. At the time I did not see it that way. Another factor was the concept of someone being "good enough". In my eyes if someone was not perfect they would have to go. I had no experience of "good enough" and had no examples or tuition from my family in the art of healing any rifts and working on difficulties.

[Chart]

Hey PR, you immediately sent me to my bookshelf to see where all my Beatrix Potter stories were... right there safe and sound
Me too I relate to a lot of what you write about. We are all so similar in so many ways here. It's saddening in one sense but oh so reassuring in another. I've always felt strongly about "doubting". Doubting can be such a handicap, but it is also a sure sign of humility, empathy and understanding. I'm glad I err on this side than so much of the carnivorous world that just jumps in and starts pushing around. One day our species will validate patience and understanding and doubting will be elevated to a much more positive trait. But in the meantime we are obliged to judge as fairly as possible, believe in ourselves and set appropriate and healthy boundaries. All of which with Cptsd are incredibly difficult. Now I'M rambling ! Welcome to the Forum!
 

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, Peter Rabbit! I love Beatrix Potter's books

Although I fully trust myself in some aspects of life, I really struggle to trust my own judgement of a situation, an example is at work where I'm finding a number of people I manage very difficult personalities to deal with.  I constantly question myself if I'm being fair, reasonable /unreasonable with someone, did I read what they said wrong?  Am I overreacting? Is my judgement about their behaviour right?  I'm trying to be more assertive with what I need from them but worry I'll come across as angry, rude, like the people I don't like myself.  It's tortuous.

This is something I really identify with! I'm no longer in the workforce because I just can't anymore, but that's not actually the solution I'd suggest.

[369TiffanynaffiT963]

Hello! I'm new here too! Nice to meet you. I'm wandered over here due to What My Bones Know as well. I'm not quite finished, I'm at the part where she starts her pro bono sessions.

I seem to have a deep rooted belief that I am a fundamentally flawed and broke shell 🐚 f a human with no chance at redemption. My whole life has been a mission to find out what was wrong with me and fix it.

[Peter Rabbit]

Hello, and welcome.

Much of what you wrote resonates with me, particularly the relationships issue. Although I have now been in a marriage for over 30 years, prior to that I had a very strong tendency to cut and run from a relationship at the first sign of what I perceived as trouble. I suspect my fear of rejection was a major factor, so I would get rid of them before they got rid of me. At the time I did not see it that way. Another factor was the concept of someone being "good enough". In my eyes if someone was not perfect they would have to go. I had no experience of "good enough" and had no examples or tuition from my family in the art of healing any rifts and working on difficulties.

Thanks for the welcome Wow 30 years of marriage is an achievement even more so having had similar struggles to me, well done. 

There's something in what you say about "good enough", I sometimes struggle to accept people's 'flaws' for want of a better word and maybe expect too much, that's where I get myself in a tangle over what my needs are and how much I allow for another persons 'flaws'.

[Peter Rabbit]

Hey PR, you immediately sent me to my bookshelf to see where all my Beatrix Potter stories were... right there safe and sound
Me too I relate to a lot of what you write about. We are all so similar in so many ways here. It's saddening in one sense but oh so reassuring in another. I've always felt strongly about "doubting". Doubting can be such a handicap, but it is also a sure sign of humility, empathy and understanding. I'm glad I err on this side than so much of the carnivorous world that just jumps in and starts pushing around. One day our species will validate patience and understanding and doubting will be elevated to a much more positive trait. But in the meantime we are obliged to judge as fairly as possible, believe in ourselves and set appropriate and healthy boundaries. All of which with Cptsd are incredibly difficult. Now I'M rambling ! Welcome to the Forum!
 

Hi Chart, glad you still have those books and thanks for the welcome!

I like your thinking, doubt is there to make us check in with ourselves, it's there to help us make a decision one way or another.  I guess we are being wise really, but it's become more of a hinderance than help?  There's a lot of people out there in need of an injection of self doubt!!   

[Peter Rabbit]

Welcome to the forum, Peter Rabbit! I love Beatrix Potter's books

This is something I really identify with! I'm no longer in the workforce because I just can't anymore, but that's not actually the solution I'd suggest.

Thanks for the welcome Blueberry, they are good books and beautiful drawings   Would you work if this wasn't an issue?  I know I want to quit at times.

[Peter Rabbit]

Hello! I'm new here too! Nice to meet you. I'm wandered over here due to What My Bones Know as well. I'm not quite finished, I'm at the part where she starts her pro bono sessions.

I seem to have a deep rooted belief that I am a fundamentally flawed and broke shell 🐚 f a human with no chance at redemption. My whole life has been a mission to find out what was wrong with me and fix it.

Nice meeting you too Tiffanynaffi, I found it to be a good read and some of it really resonates with me.  Of course there is nothing wrong with you or with any of us here, we've just been unlucky to have been around people who made us believe this as children.  I hope the rest of the book has been helpful.