starting over

[Chart]

Really glad you're feeling good, San. I'm definitely staying in your corner!
Hugs!

[Armee]

Wave "hi" for me to the world from the top of that wave and yes! Ride it as long as you can sister!

It's a very sweet project you've picked San. Your sweet friend probably needs that more than you know.

[Desert Flower]

Good for you San! Glad to hear you're feeling well. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, dear friends - chart, armee, and DF.  you all made me smile this morning.

i don't know if this is an age thing, or what, but my sleeping patterns have changed (gee, now that i think of it, i'm off meds for sleeping).  i don't know, either, if it's related to restless leg syndrome, either.  anyway, i go to sleep, sleep for 3 or 4 hrs. wake up to pee, read myself back to sleep (reading has done wonders for keeping my mind occupied and away from nasty thoughts) for another 1 1/2 to 2 hrs., wake up again, same routine, go back to sleep for another 2 hrs. or so.

having disturbed sleep is not the best, i know.  i just don't know how much if at all this might be detrimental to my mental/physical health.  i often fall asleep for an hour in my rocking chair during the day as well, and i've looked at that.  seems that whether i sleep during the day or not, the pattern during the night is the same.

maybe it's not something to worry about, as long as i'm feeling ok.  i can't afford a sleep apnea study, and i've been told my snoring is something fierce.  i don't know.  just wanted to write it out.  i do some eye movements usually before i go to bed telling myself it's ok to relax, it's ok to sleep, it's ok to sleep thru the night.  maybe, eventually, my brain will catch onto that and hold it.  fingers crossed.

[Desert Flower]

Hi San, I'm no expert but what I read about sleeping is that it's normal to have sleep cycles that last appr. 1 1/2 hrs, wake up a little bit, and fall asleep again for the next cycle. And the cycles in the earlier parts of the night have deeper sleeping patterns, evolving to lighter sleeping patterns (and easier waking up) towards the latter parts of the night. So on the surface of it, your sleeping pattern sounds normal enough to me.

 

[Chart]

I agree with DF. My (limited) knowledge nonetheless indicates that so long as there is real "rest", the cycles can be of different lengths and frequencies. The final word is of course how you feel and your energy levels throughout the day. Everybody's different and our patterns change over our life-span. But I'd say if you feel okay then things are probably working the way they need to.

[sanmagic7]

thank you so much DF and chart - i appreciate it so much, your input and reassurance.  i felt better just reading what you both wrote.      

[Phoebes]

I identify very closely with the sleep pattern you described..I got a nights sleep not long ago and I felt like a new person. It was fleeting..

[sanmagic7]

i hear ya, phoebes.  when i even get 5 hrs. of sleep in a row, it feels so different.  thanks for your input.

well, i crashed yesterday.  felt terrible, still do today.  yesterday was what i call a gas attack - my body cavity sometimes fills up w/ gas, which pushes on everything inside and causes me terrible pain.  couldn't help my D put groceries away.  took some pepto, and that helped make it go away faster - these 'attacks' often last more than an hour.

the fires in calif. are breaking my heart.  i spent a while crying for everyone there - i had to evacuate due to fires raging nearby, but thankfully they didn't hit where we were living (and i don't have a house of my own, either).  i suspect the tears were triggered by the enormity of what's happening there, but in reality were for my D and what's happening w/ her.

she found out yesterday that a month after her surgery, she will be going thru 3 weeks/15 days of radiation treatment, which will make her even more tired than she already is.  she's gotten started on a new round of trying to get disability cuz her other quest for it ran it's course and was denied over and over.  there are times when she's nearly fallen asleep while she was driving for her delivery job, which she only can stay with for about 2-2 1/2 hrs./day anyway - can't make nearly enough money to pay her portion of the bills, let alone support herself.

so, the worry/anxiety crept in yesterday full force about paying our monthly bills once again.  we do have some money people have given us for moving in, but we've saved it, and this is where it will go.  don't know how much we have in total, but i know it's not enough for a month's worth of bills.  ugh!  i was hoping to be done w/ this particular anxiety, but i guess not.

so, as much as i loved feeling pretty good for that couple weeks, it's gone now.  and my galpal's car accident which happened while i was on the phone w/ her shook me pretty badly.  made me question my ability to drive once again.  ugh ugh!!!

[Armee]

 

Oh San. It's too too too much. I somehow missed that your galpal was in a car accident while she talked to you.  is she and her car OK?

Is there a social worker at least at the cancer treatment center to help navigate the disability request this time?

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the validation, armee.  it really is too too too much.  she's ok, her car is totaled. one attorney told my D that, because of her age - 43 - she's young, so the disability people don't look at cancer stuff very closely.  apparently they figure being younger means you can deal with it more easily. *sigh*

the stress goes on.  i'm eating way out of control, feeling crummy in general.  i ranted to my galpal the other day, just let all the frustration out about how i've been living the past several years, very poor - she had no way to know, has no way to relate.  it just all came out.

she is determined to come to the hospital when my D has her surgery.  when she first told me that, i broke down in tears.  she didn't know what to do w/ that.  i told her i hadn't really had a lot of people be there for me, and i was overwhelmed w/ gratitude.  since her car is now wrecked, she's told me she's going to uber to the hospital.  i'm just letting her.  it's like i don't have the strength to argue against it.

this morning, lying in bed, i couldn't stand it anymore.  got my walking shoes on and went out into the cold - i've been too anxious about that lately to go out, even - and just walked for about 10 min. as fast as i could, walking all the crapola out of my system.  it was cold, my face is still cold, but it was as if i was sick of being wimpy.  that's kind of how i've done w/ things all along.  stay down, stay down, stay down, don't want it like that any more, and get up.  i'm glad i did.

[Desert Flower]

dear San, you're not being whimpy. You are such a brave person facing all these really difficult circumstances. It is too much sometimes. It's okay to feel this way.

I just want to let you know I appreciate your lovely comments and you're such a dear friend to me in the midst of your own troubles, thank you for that.

 

(I'm not feeling so great myself, never mind that, I just wanted to add that my goal is to at least go outside and take a walk every day and it IS really helpful to me too.)

[sanmagic7]

thank you, DF, for your kind words. i appreciate you, too. 

all ready to walk this morning, but it snowed during the night.  not gonna walk on snow - too big a risk for me - and wearing boots instead of my walking shoes for a 10-min. walk does my back no good.  guess i'll do some stairs and hallways in the building.  i almost didn't think of that.  dang, i get a mindset, and other avenues to arriving at the same place just close down.

feeling quite bogged down this morning, tho, mentally and emotionally.  looked up some state assistance programs, but i don't think they'll fly. we have no young children here, and our heat is paid by the apt. complex, so we're not in dire need.  i just wish there were some way i could further help my D.

[sanmagic7]

terrible anxiety all day yesterday, possibly an EF?  not sure, but i ended up on meds all day and to get some sleep last nite, which helped a lot.  showered and clean this morning, which is a good thing. 

the money situation has come into play again - what my D has been doing here just is not working, so she's going to look into another delivery system.  i don't know what we're going to do for a month when she won't be able to work at all.  frickin' scared once again.  i hate admitting that, cuz it sends not so good messages thru-out my system.  and what's happening in the world isn't helping.  sometimes i wish it would all go away, leave me along, just be regular so we can pay our rent and other bills.  we don't ask for much . . .

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
I hope that your EF is maybe over by now.  I know you had terrible anxiety yesterday, and I really hope you're feeling some relief today.  Sending you a hug 
Hope