starting over

[Phoebes]

Yes!

[Desert Flower]

Sending you and your D loads of good wishes, I hope she heals well. You're so brave going through all of this. 

[sanmagic7]

phoebes, you brought a smile to my face with that !  thanks so much!

thank you, DF.  i never thought of myself as brave, actually.  just had to get thru it.  i had lots of help, so thanks to everyone for that.

first day of recovery is over and went well.  i'm feeling old, tho.  i'm bowed over, can't walk upright anymore, had to carry the cat litter inside and i could barely make it from the door to my D's room.  my body is sore from sitting in uncomfortable chairs, walking back and forth thru hallways w/o my walking shoes on for the day.  bending over to clean the litter yesterday also nearly did me in and i had to sit for several minutes afterward.  dang!  i got totally old in one day!

my D said she began feeling a little sick yesterday, said hardly anyone in the hospital was wearing a mask and she had people touching her all day, so she's afraid she brought something home w/ her.  dang, i hope not!  we've been sick more often in the past 8 mos. since we moved here than we had in the past 8 years!  actually, for 8 years we didn't have one sick day between us.  now that we've been seeing people, going out a little more, illness has been everywhere!  did not expect this, do not like this one bit.  i hope she's ok today.

[sanmagic7]

sick, now.  will this freakin' nightmare ever end?

[Chart]

San, Yes, it will end. Everything changes, just a question of when. Too, often when we change environments our immune systems need time to "adjust". I think big changes can stress the immune system and it can take time (months, and even longer) for your systems to settle into place. Things will get better, promise!
 

[sanmagic7]

as long as you promise, chart, i'll believe you!  thank you for that.

and chart was right, i'm not so sick now.  both my D and i believe it was a reaction to having all the crisis over with, and one of her friends told her she thought we were exhausted and that was our bodies' reactions.  probably. 

at any rate, so grateful for all the help we're getting.  it's truly a godsend.  and the support from everyone here.  thank you to all of you!

[Desert Flower]

that was our bodies' reactions

very likely

I'm glad you're feeling a little better. Keep taking care 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the validation, DF.

down yesterday, still feeling crappy today.  ugh.  i hear the phrase 'i'm so over this' from people in a stressful situation, but it confuses me cuz they're still in it, from what i can see, still hurting.  for me, i wish i was over this.

[sanmagic7]

took meds last nite, was able to sleep much better, and what a difference in how i feel this morning.  dang.  looks like i may need to see a doc eventually just to be able to get more meds.  of course, all that's been going on in the past year, it's becoming clearer to me why i'm so out of whack.  hopefully, i'll somehow be able to get to some semblance of normal eventually.  dang, that would be really good.

lovely snow outside today.  it's so pretty.  i realized i haven't been in bunches of snow and cold weather for nearly 25 yrs.  that's weird to me to realize.  but, my body's temperature gauge is so outta whack, too, and i don't really know if that will fix itself or not.  don't know if it's connected to stress.  in mexico, our a/c was set to 77 and that's the temp i slept in.  now, it's below freezing, i have my window cracked, and i often feel warm/sweaty when i sleep.  so many changes . . .

[sanmagic7]

unfortunately, i'm relying on meds again for sleep.  not as much as i used to use, but still, more than nothing.  i keep telling myself it's not forever, and that's what's helping me use them.  mother's little helpers, in a way.

i found a guided relaxation on youtube that's 7 min. long, focuses mostly on breathing, but has lovely pictures.  it was fine, but i think i want something longer.  i need it to be guided w/ someone's words cuz otherwise my mind starts running all over the place, and that's quite disruptive.  no relaxation to be had, and actually stirs me up more than when i started.  so, i'll keep looking.

otherwise, i've been sick, just kind of out of it, feeling not so good.  i wonder if this is my new normal?  i hate to think so. 

[Chart]

No San, I don't believe this is your "new normal". It's Cptsd and it keeps twisting around on you like a snake trying to bite the hand grasping it's tail. Keep working on the relaxation, I think that's a really good thing to be doing at the moment.
 

[Desert Flower]

I'm sorry San, that you're not well.
Go easy on yourself. It's not forever. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, chart, for your words of comfort. it's nice.

thanks, DF.  i hope not, but it's been actually decades already, so that's what makes me think this will not change. too old, not enough years left. 

writing that i'm 'too old' kinda brought a smile to my face.  i don't mind being old, and the thought came up as i wrote that 'cuz that means there's not a whole lot of years of this left'.  bleak.  it's worn me down to that point.
there is not a day that i wake up feeling refreshed, ready to greet the day, look forward to visiting someone i love, doing something i love.  even the last thing i did, which i so wanted to do (movie 'a complete unknown' have been a dylan fan since the 60's) i'm so glad i did it, but honestly, if i couldn't have it would've been ok.

this morning, too, my galpal called to cancel my visiting her today cuz she didn't feel well.  she came to be w/ me a the hospital for my D's surgery, she and i always have a good time, haven't seen her since, but i'm so ok w/ staying home, reading, resting.  my energy level is so low now, it's an effort to do anything, even something i enjoy.

downer, i know.  even on meds, i'm not sleeping like i'd like.  i may ignore them tonite, see if there's any difference.  i'm just not getting restful sleep, and i've been thru this a lot of my adult life for one reason or another.  i probably 'should' see a doc, but i'm putting that off cuz of $$.  so, i'm just stuck, just blattin' it out here.  my main thing is to stay viable for my D.  she's still got a long row to hoe.

does anyone know what kind of difference to the system there is when you stop eating meat?  except for a little chicken one nite, and fish, i've not had meat/sausage of any kind for at least a week, and hardly any the week before.  i remember my old T telling me that dropping meat from the diet can have a huge impact on your system. that thought just came to mind.

[Desert Flower]

Hey San, I do understand how you would feel that way, I am sorry. I wouldn't exactly call myself 'old' but I do get how you've been feeling for such a long time already. It's hard. But I do think and hope that things will get a teensy tiny bit better some day. If only to enjoy a hot cup of tea or some other small thing. Just moments. I'm making good wishes for you anyhow and thinking of you. Big hugs dear. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for that, DF.  i'll take your hope and good thoughts, too. 

well, i looked up what getting off meat does for/to the body, and once again, i'm feeling the downside of doing something good for myself.  lowering inflammation was a biggie, and i do need that, so i'll stay off the stuff for the most part.  but it also included having flu-like symptoms, headaches, sleep disturbance, bathroom issues.  granted, this is supposed to dissipate in a few weeks to a few months as my body gets re-oriented, but, as if i don't feel crappy enough, i'm just adding more crappiness to my life for a while.

because of the long-term results is why i continue to do things where i have a neg. reaction (someone asked why i'd do a somatic releasing when i was overwhelmed w/ what happened - same reason.  i know in some way, shape, or form it's good for me).  this, too.  so, i'm just *still* gonna feel like crapola for a while.  meat withdrawal!  like i haven't had enough withdrawals in my life - alc., drugs, cigs, meds, now meat.  dang!  better late than never, i suppose, but honestly, . . .