How to handle external family members

[Healing Finally]

HI all, 

I could use some input, as I got triggered yet again by a family member (my mother's SIL.) 

My mother's SIL was married to her only brother who passed a year ago.

SIL and I have always been close, and she loves my mother.

She knows what happened with my family (scapegoated by my sister 10 years ago and got the boot from the family.)

Yesterday she sends me a text re: seeing my mother and sister for lunch, letting me know how they are doing breezing over the fact there is a rift between my sister and I.

To be honest, I don't know if she knows that my sister still is insistent that we aren't in the same room (even though her son invited me to his wedding and I went, I thought that was that, but since then new family events have happened where I was specifically not invited.)

I want to reply to her a text saying that she is normalizing the family dysfunction and please do not provide me any information on a person who is adamant to exclude me from my family (and my mother goes along with it because she can't stand up to my sister.)

I just want to set the record.  I feel like I should stand up for myself.

Will I sound like a bitchy person who is still angry?

Does it really matter?

I supposed if I felt totally secure none of this would matter.

thank you, hugs 

[Blueberry]

I'd go with giving minimum information and not providing any information that provides any clue of your emotions. Because usually these sorts of family members aren't 100% safe. In this case that would be saying "Please don't give me any information on XY." no reasons why.

For further info, check Grey Rock (and some similar stuff) at Out of the Fog.

Or, as hard as it may feel, don't react at all. Maybe write a letter to her/them here on Recovery Letters, so that way you're adressing it TO them but not leaving yourself open to any underhanded attack or to having your words twisted and passed onto your S or your M. I find writing a letter to some person on Recovery Letters helps me get at the underlying problem in my feelings, so a part of the trauma, and allows me to reduce it somewhat, so that's part of healing. We can't change other people or change how they see us or how they see the whole FOO situation.

 

[Kizzie]

Hey Healing Finally, IMO I think it's OK to be honest but in a respectful way. That is what has worked well for me when I've been in similar situations. It may be she does not know things are still bad. So maybe simply tell her the truth, that you are still being disrespected and left out by your family and ask her not to tell you anything about them because it hurts to hear. It's all in how you say it.  If you are angry or snarky then it may smart, but if you are simply honest and tell her in a straightforward way she may hear you and do as you ask.

Hope it goes well!

[Papa Coco]

Thank you Kizzie for your peaceful, sober response to HealingFinally's original post. I am still obviously dealing with a lot of fear and anger at how my family and their friends sent my little sister and I to our deaths.

Your words are far more beautiful than mine were. I'm glad you came in after me and said those positive, useful things.

Healing Finally, I sincerely hope that you are able to find peace with your family and their friends. Whether its by a lack of contact or by reasoning with a few of them. Ultimately your heart knows what to do.

[I've deleted my post because I feel like I was too angry at my own situation while answering your question about your own situation.]

[Blueberry]

Hey Healing Finally, IMO I think it's OK to be honest but in a respectful way. That is what has worked well for me when I've been in similar situations. It may be she does not know things are still bad. So maybe simply tell her the truth, that you are still being disrespected and left out by your family and ask her not to tell you anything about them because it hurts to hear. It's all in how you say it.  If you are angry or snarky then it may smart, but if you are simply honest and tell her in a straightforward way she may hear you and do as you ask.

Hope it goes well!

That's a good way of putting it.

In my experience, it depends partially on the extended family and partially on my own ability. If I'm not capable of keeping the anger, shame or pain out of my voice, it's certainly not going to work for me to speak to somebody within extended because it's just not done for me (and sometimes for others) to show their feelings in any way. I'd be not taken seriously at best, possibly ridiculed etc in addition. You know your own (extended) FOO and can judge better than we can. If you can't keep the pain or anger out of your voice, that's not your shame, it's just part of a trauma-based reaction, meaning imho that your past pain hasn't healed enough yet. I just think that's all something you need to weigh up.

Some people actually enjoy hurting others. If I told a FOO mbr that they were hurting me, they'd laugh or ridicule me further or tell me to toughen up or demand that I prove it. It's all happened before, that's how I know. This may not be what your FOO does, and again you would know better than us, but I'm saying 'be careful, don't give vindictive people like my FOO mbrs any extra ammunition'.

[dollyvee]

Hey Healing Finally,

I have often felt a lot of complicated things with family members and telling them things about what happened because more often then not, the things they were doing had been overlooked in childhood by thee people around me. Whether it was "turning a blind eye," or trusting the facade that family members gave them is another story. What I think complicates the situation even more is that I think I wanted a witness, or someone to stand up for me in a way that never happened in childhood, so maybe at times it was hurtful when that didn't happen.

I think Kizzie's suggestion is a firm boundary about dealing with the situation. Her response to that will be telling ie is she willing to listen and respect that. It's also to the point and not bitchy in any way. I think sometimes family members don't act in the way we need and that can be hurtful. However, you will be standing up for yourself and that's a good thing IMO.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

A generic comment about anyone who has relatives who are trying to help.

I can't stop myself from recommending a very cautious disclosure. My experience was that even well-meaning relatives eventually reported back to my narcissistic abusers, who, in turn, used everything I said against me--out of context, and slightly altered to make sure they were gaslighting me through someone else.

In the end, if you feel compelled to open up to your aunt-in-law (If that's what we call a mom's sister-in-law), then maybe do so carefully. Be honest, but brief. You'll find out soon enough if she reports back and ends up becoming part of the problem.

Just be careful. Narcissists DO send out scouts.

[Healing Finally]

Thanks everyone for your replies, I totally appreciate it.   

I actually forgot I posted this, until now, and I am embarrassed to admit why.  Similar to my last post, the anguish I felt for being "slighted" was so intense I had to post about it.  Then I believe just making the post helped to release the anxiety.  So I never came back to see what you all have said, until now.  Geez. 

I hear what you all are saying when it comes to being cautious about what the narcissist hears from other family members and how it's important to not put anything out there that could be twisted against me.  Been there and done that!  So, my instinct is to just not say anything.  I would have to put it in writing because I don't live close to her, and I wouldn't call her just to talk about my sister.

I know I will always have to deal with these triggers, since my family doesn't get the pain that I'm in, but this is "my cross to bear".  It's up to me to feel complete and ok, knowing that there is an imbalance of power in the family (since my mother won't stand up to my sister and say she want's her family together again.)

There may be a time when we are at a family event where it would be convenient for me to talk to my mother's SIL about it all.  We have a family reunion coming up in July and I will be bringing my mother since my sister doesn't bother to come to them.  It's all GOOD. 

[Blueberry]

Similar to my last post, the anguish I felt for being "slighted" was so intense I had to post about it.  Then I believe just making the post helped to release the anxiety.

  Posting worked for you w/o all our responses! You got your own true answer. Please don't feel embarrassed