Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Chart]

DF, wow! Incredible and thank you. I'm touched and impressed by your work and decisions and determination. You are changing. The reactions are different and you are re-aligning, more and more orienting inward. Giving out only what is healthily aligned with what you think, want and need. And all that is truly awesome!
 

[SenseOrgan]

This is awesome Desert Flower! It makes me happy to know you are stepping into your power and standing up for yourself. It's really painful sometimes when people blurt out all sorts of nonsense about stuff they have no clue about. Like growing up with your M. This is the type of stuff that often hurts me too. That "not being seen place" is vast, and a lot in daily life ties into that. Massively on difficult days, and not even so much on good days. I'm afraid that the level of my reactivity indicates the amount of unprocessed trauma. That part I own. And there's the reality of having to deal with people that (often unintended) rub salt in very deep wounds. To me, people who survive in a workplace with these, are emotional athletes. Much respect!

I'm just wondering (and it's none of my business!) if changing the priority of your own needs and views brings up more shame/guilt? There was a period of several years in which my motto was something like "if you're feeling guilty/ashamed, you're doing the right thing". I used this because I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I was acting full force against the voice of the inner critic. It's message became a reverse cue. This works nicely with this, I think:

And now, I may start feeling okay with not every day feeling okay. ;-)

I hope you're making a couple of victory laps (in your mind). I'm rooting for you! 

[Papa Coco]

DF,

Congratulations on your progress. That's so great that you're able to start talking to your M like this. And you're taking care of yourself while taking care of your family. And what a great feeling it must be that your SIL didn't send you into an EF. That's a sign of real progress.

Because you're right: Your M has a very unique brand of causing you a unique brand of distress and you have the right to reach out and want support with it.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Chart, SenseOrgan and Papa Coco. It's so nice to have people supporting me here.

I'm just wondering (and it's none of my business!) if changing the priority of your own needs and views brings up more shame/guilt?

SenseOrgan, I think I actually went through the guilt first, if that's possible. I had been going through an awful time knowing I was gonna have to change something for me to feel better and feeling I couldn't do that to her (guilt). But then I had this realisation about what is actually the matter with my M and how she is never gonna get any better and how I can never fix this so in a way, it doesn't matter so much what I do. She's unhappy whatever I do. And also, she won't understand me either, no matter what I do or say. And in a strange way, knowing that gave me some room for manoeuver. So when I actually did what I needed to do, the dominant feeling turned out to be relief.

[sanmagic7]

well done, DF.  taking care of ourselves is such a biggie!  that's so wonderful!  proud of you, my dear.

i'm glad you got the guilt out of the way already so you can now just be.  such a big step.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

Great! It's paradoxically liberating to see so clearly there's absolutely nothing you can do about something, isn't it? It's brave you went for it nevertheless.

[Chart]

There are so many situations where we give our power to people who just aren't going to change. I find poignant meaning in the idea that confronting my powerlessness in certain situations actually empowers me beyond and out of the situation. I can gain, (what DollyVee as mentioned recently to me, and I'm still trying to get a solid hold on the idea) Agency. I'm not giving up, I'm just putting the bar where it belongs and acknowledging a spectrum of perceiving that doesn't have to be linear. I can opt out, or shortcut, all the while allowing myself to search for the aspect that is best for me and by that I can actually be more present in those situations where I do want to give. (I hope that made sense

I think too that SenseOrgan does well to bring up Shame and Guilt. I don't want to underestimate those f-ers. Their sneaky ones and I know myself and my codependent ways too well.
 

[Desert Flower]

I hope that made sense

Yes it did. Thank you Chart.

And thank you too, San and SenseOrgan, for your support.

[Desert Flower]

Back in an EF. Oh I feel so horrible. I don't even really dare to come on the forum because I feel so ashamed, I messed up again. How am I ever gonna make it if I keep falling again and again. Literally fell off my bike today. That set it off. And I could just hear my inner child crying: I'm only trying to do everything right! I'm trying so hard. And I can't. I feel so stupid and ashamed. I feel like such a f***-up.

What happened was, this week had been a little rough already, my car had broken down, my ebike as well, and the guinee pig was ill again and had to be taken to the vet. And I have all these activities for the kids to organise. And I feel so utterly alone doing all this. I'm not alone actually, my husband is here too, but I feel everything is my responsibility. And in addition, I've been trying to get back to work, worrying about how I'm ever gonna return to my official working hours, all I'm thinking is: I cannot do it, how am I gonna get this done, I can't, I just can't.

So today, at my daughters school, they had a fundraiser, and I was bringing two bags of used clothes they were collecting. And the bags were too large to carry by bike actually. But I just really wanted to do this for my D. And I was riding my husband's bike doing that, which is too big for me. And this was quite the balancing act already and then some kid coming from behind hit me and there I was. And the kid just rode on. And I saw some other kid passing me laughing, I'm not even sure he was laughing but it was just too much. I managed to ride on to school not crying.

It was exactly like the way I felt in highschool. Not just in my mind, but I was literally on my way to school being the laughing stock again. I cannot believe it.

And I've been crying here at home ever since. Called in sick again. Oh I hate this so thoroughly. I don't wanna be a mother who cannot handle normal daily stuff. I just feel like such a .... well, you know.

And I know it's an EF. And I know it will pass. I will feel better again. I don't know when though. Tomorrow's another therapy session which is well timed ha ha.
And I just really honestly don't know if I'm ever gonna get back to my regular working hours and that just scares the h*** out of me too.

So there you go.

[SenseOrgan]

Ah Desert Flower, that's a terrible place to be in. I'm sorry this perfect storm hit you. I know that feeling all too well, like everything is lined up against you and has been forever. You're also welcome here if you feel stupid and ashamed. Especially than. Very welcome just as you feel. I'm currently also in an EF. You'll be in my thoughts today. Big hug 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you SenseOrgan, it's good to know you're here. And I wish you will feel better soon too. Big hugs to you as well.
 

[Desert Flower]

I feel I must thank you again SenseOrgan. This is interesting. Somehow your message calmed down my inner child. I still don't feel great, I feel down as a matter of fact, but I do feel a lot calmer. I had been messaging some other people in 'real' life and they had in fact responded in a kind way, and I was still upset, but somehow knowing you understand from actual experience is truly validating. So thank you.  And some more wishes for you to feel better.

[sanmagic7]

dang, DF, what a horrible thing to have happened to you.  i, too, get it.  try, try, try, and something comes unraveled.  not fair, not right, and it hurts so much.  sending love and a hug filled w/ care and and injection of some courtesy for those disrespectful kids who didn't have an ounce of compassion.   

[Desert Flower]

Thank you too San, I appreciate it. 

[Papa Coco]

Desert Flower,

I can really feel the distress in your post. I'm so sorry to hear that you're having one of those weeks where a lot of little things are creating an overwhelming pile of problems. And I do understand the EF. Being laughed at on the bike ride to school is an extremely triggering thing to happen to a person whose past was built on that kind of unfriendliness.

I imagine that riding a bike that was too big for you only added to feeling small and vulnerable.

And I am glad to read that you are aware that this is a trauma EF. That doesn't make it easier, but at least you know this is related to trauma. Chart, another member of the forum, once said to me that neurotypical people, those not hampered with traumatic pasts, start every day at stress levels 1 or 2. So when overwhelming car and eBike problems all happen at once, they rise up to a stress level of 5 or 6. But we here on the OOTS forum, never get below a 5 or 6. So when overwhelming problems occur, we shoot up to a 9 or 10, so our distress is a lot harder to manage.

Just knowing that helps me when I'm hit with too much at once. The EF is still painful and difficult, but knowing it is trauma induced helps me to not feel completely defeated. EFs are temporary. I didn't used to know that. But I do now. It helps.

It was an act of intelligence for you to share your EF on the forum. My therapist tells me often that opening up at the right times and asking for help and comfort when needed is wisdom. Functional intelligence. Posting this on the forum was you asking your peers to understand what you're going through, and that's how you get support from your peers. As we heal from our traumatic pasts, sharing the journey with others on the same road is how we gain strength and support. We truly are all in this together.

For now, I hope you are able to find some calm. When my EFs get too severe, my wife and I intentionally call it "the flu" to help us both deal with my emotional distress without thinking of it as a permanent problem. The flu comes and goes, and so do EFs. At least that's how Coco and I deal with my EFs. We just let them happen.

For me, EFs are made worse when I am afraid of them. For me, accepting them and trusting that my family will support me while I'm feeling like a tormented school kid again, helps me to at least lose the fear while I'm miserable. I can't speak for everyone, but in my own trauma-life, accepting the EFs as if they are a debilitating medical condition in a temporary flair up, gets me through the EFs faster. Accepting them for what they are helps me get through them faster.

I certainly don't know what works best for others, so I'm only speaking for myself. I guess I share it just in case it can help. We're all in this together. We care about each other on this forum.

I hope the storm of problems starts to calm down soon for you. I really feel the pain you're describing, and I truly hope it starts to wane away now.