Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

Jan 23 2025

Chart, some times it's more than enough to see the commonalities between self and others.

I see the repeating patterns through my life.  I don't know at the moment if there was a "soul level" thing I needed to work through, or if it was something about how to keep the 51% balance.  The whole thing of putting on my own oxygen mask first.  The lessons contained over at outofthefog.website are still ongoing.

My diet is pretty much full carnivore now.  Big difference physically, big difference in emotional centeredness, big difference in clarity, also been incorporating some other things, like the blue light blocking glasses.  I've noticed a difference.  Small things, small changes to things that can tip the first domino that will result in better results for me.  Odd, still have the default of others first.  Making myself less which isn't a good thing. 

Wishing all here all the best.

[StartingHealing]

Jan 24 2025

Had a "what to do" today.  Course memories of my doggo and our walks have been coming fast and furious.  I've accepted that I'm going to miss him, a lot.  Then again I miss all my other doggos that have gone on before him.  All of them were great dogs.  My doggo was like a bookending a particular period in my path.  When he arrived in my life and when he left it.

Thank you Kylo. Thank you for being there, always glad to see me, thank you for loving me even when I was all twisted in knots.  I love you buddy.  I'll see you when I get there ok?  Go and play with the other doggies, I think you'll like them.  All of them good dogs like you are. I'll be ok buddy.  Promise.  It's that I miss you and I'm sad about it.  And that leaks out sometimes.

Wishing all souls here, all the best

[Chart]

 

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
I read what you wrote yesterday, and as I read it, I felt a lot of emotion. Your care and love for your dog and your past dogs, it is palpable.  I liked the vision created of your dogs all playing together.  Sending you a hug of support in your grief.   
Hope

[StartingHealing]

Chart and Hope, my thanks.

Lots of grief from other things tied into the grief that I'm feeling about Kylo.  Some going back 4 decades or better.  I do wish that at some point all the hangers on from the time with the former spouse will be left in the dust of the past.  The memories of that time are different now because of my learning and development and I see them in a different light.  Takes a lot of the negative out of them.  It's the ongoing BS of support payments to someone that could actually work if she wished.  Which she never did and I don't think she's going to change those spots.  I'm crusty enough that I'm going to out live her. Which isn't going to be hard really, considering her self destructive habits that went full bore.  Meanwhile I'm going the other way and on top of that I'm getting a glimmer of a glimpse of what it means to live for myself which is new and odd to me. This is really the first time in my life that I've experienced that.  Anyway, plan is to get to a more stable point before I start to consider a pair of doggos. The pair will be able to keep each other company when I can't be there.  Have found that somewhere along the way I've lost my taste for uncertainty or perhaps that too is a trauma response. 

Still have lots of things up in the air including off shoring myself. chuckle. remote work, do the currency arbitrage thing, stack some cash, who knows maybe go native and settle there.  Or with starlink, travel.  Always wanted to go see for myself. Like new Orleans during martigra. or Rio during Carnivale, a south sea island with water so clear you can see the bottom 60 ft down.  Course if I do that.. exnay on the doggies. Then again maybe I'll keep myself onshore and see what happens.   

Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

jan 28 2025

Wow, what a change in less than a couple of days.  I was reminded of a sheet where it was listed the most stressful events in a humans life (out side of like armed conflict, MMA, being hunted by a apex predator) but then again I have been through some "stuff" in my life.  Still have the scars to prove it.  And yet, I'm still here. I guess in a weird way, with being through the "stuff" I have gone through, I don't know if it's a good thing or not that a lot of entries off that list I don't really find that freak-out-able.  then again.. Anyway, some of the most intense (not including dealing with a PD individual) is moving, divorce, death of a loved one.  so 2023,2024,2025 and being in uni. on top of all of it.  I think I'm doing pretty alright I reckon.

Weird also that .. was a dude that quit today at work.  Did it on the scuzzy side. Dropped a email.  Like huh? But the knowing that he's not around anymore has.. it is like a weight has been lifted in some manner.  Yeah, he was .. he would lock in on something that somehow to him was relevant but wasn't anything to do with the subject matter.  And trying to get him to shift out of that.. Oi.  I've worked with all types and no issues as long as your consistent with being a arse or a whatever, this guy was something else.

Gonna be busy as all get out for a while at work.

Gonna have to roll over 2 classes into the next session for school.  I have the resources so no biggy. 

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

Feb 1 2025

Been going back and forth over the last few days on writing here.  Had lots of things come together at once.  I reckon that I had a tipple to much on Thur night, Which I know messes up the REM pattern of sleep,  was ok on Fri still kinda disconnected feeling, went out and had coffee with some family that was in the area, then last night.. With the way my body has been acting, I do believe I picked up some sort of stomach thing. The digestive system was purging at both ends and there was a bit of a fever.  Freezing cold in bed, multiple blankets, up and down for a while, finally got into sleep and when I awoke I had finally started to sweat.  Emotions are running really high at the moment as well.  I know that taking back up walking would be a beneficial thing, yet for now the thought of going on a walk without my buddy being there.  It's a no go.  Been lots of time in my life where with losing someone, dog, cat, person, and because of the situation I had to get back into grind of things.  I think, could be wrong.  I think that while my doggo bookmarked a passage in my life, there was / is a lot of emotions that weren't addressed at the time and now since he's no longer in this realm.  All of it is coming out.  The grief of not only him but also the situation with the former spouse, other losses.  Crazy thing, if I have to perform for another being it's a go but when it comes to myself.. Aww I miss him. 

Got some food down.  Was also able to get my supplements down as well. Stomach seems to be 1/2 way ok with it. I'm feeling like I could sleep. 4 hours or so until getting into my usual bed time range.  The house is so quiet and empty.  Have a lofi girl streaming channel going on the tv for noise.  Might go shopping later. The whole get groceries when paycheck arrives you know?  Haven't been able to get past that yet.  A lot will depend on how the outlet of the digestive track behaves.  It has been multiple times today and mostly liquid with not much solids.

Temp is a tickle high, blood oxy is good, heart rate is good, BP is a tickle high compared to the BS that's out there now of 120/80.  Some body some where decided that 120/80 was "healthly" which with what has been coming out recently of the deliberate manipulation pulled by medicine to support big pharma sales, is it really? Or is it to push BP meds that kill people's kindeys?  Kinda like cholesterol levels got monkeyed with for statin sales.  I'm really wondering about a lot of things.  How much of what I take to be true is someone's propaganda about a certain subject?

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

Feb 13 2025

Still in process of finding my square with my doggo gone.  Didn't realize how much he impacted my actions.  Just now starting to get back into walking. Even though it's on the weekends (so far) and at a different time of day than what we used to do.  Rain, shine, wind, whatever, we went on a walk. 

Got my 87 D150 back up and running over last weekend.  Needed to do u-joints, oil change, replace the battery and some other stuff.  Now thinking I need to adjust the bands in the transmission along with idle rpm.  Getting a weird slip in the transmission it until it gets up to temp.  Did the sea foam fuel cleaner trick which keep me from needing to open the carburetor up for a clean. (is real simple.  Fill the carb with the sea foam and let it sit to dissolve the gum that forms)  Tires are still a wee bit bouncy, the flat spots will work themselves out in time since I'm running radials on it.  Bias plys wouldn't have been a problem from the get go. 

my fall into and fall out of rig.  Need to change out the inner tie rod sockets and outer tie rod ends.  Got the stuff to do the toe in / out alignment after.  Yeah getting a wee bit hairy driving the thing.  That's why needed to get the truck running while I take this one down to repair it.

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

Feb 19 2025

The spiral has turned again.  So many ghosts of memories past. IDK what the reason is.  My human is limited in perception and such I wonder about the 'reasons' of the Universe.

I'm in such a weird space at the moment. Really long moment. chuckle.

Wishing all here, all the best

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling uneasy, but I'm happy that you are expressing that feeling to the forum. Are you able to determine what triggered it? Or is it another one of those times that I am all too familiar with myself, that seem to come over you like a storm and all you can do it weather it until the sun comes back out?

My retrogrades in the spiral can be triggered by specific events. They can also be triggered by calendar dates, anniversaries of good or bad memories, or...sometimes, I just don't know what triggers them. Sometimes I just call it a storm that I have to weather until the sun comes back out.

No matter what, I'm glad you are being open about it.

I feel like the more we share with others, the less alone we are with our inner spirals.

You're not alone here.

I'm returning the wish for all the best for you too.

PC.

[StartingHealing]

Feb 28 2025

Hi PC!  How you been?  Sending all the best your direction. Let me see if I can 'splain a bit.

At one time I was going to a hypnotherapist.  I think I still have her induction / boosting self belief cassette somewhere.  Need to get the tech to play it.  Anyway, there was this one time when I was in the hypnotic state, and that something inside took off like a bullet, going back through events that I had been through.  The only commonality was the emotional context of the events.  She finally was able to get me out of that state, after I got the info concerning some of the choices that my 1st mother had been considering. That was a mind F.  What is really odd about that is that there was nothing concerning the time period I spent in fostering? Orphanage? 9 months and is still a black hole, no info / intel on that at all.

Did explain the why behind for the longest time I didn't feel like I should have been in this realm as a youngling.  I have understanding now but going through that... with the add on of the preverbal loss / grief of being born and then no momma, + the BS from the society that I was brought up in (the lies around how I came to be, the lies around how I came to be "placed", at times I consider adoption in many respects the same as human trafficking, except it's legal corruption ) and the dogma associated with certain Xtain groups and 2cd mother's mental / emotional issues. I understand that as humans we tweak memories around but holy editing Batman! The baby book that she started contradicted 90-95% of the stories that she had told me concerning my growth milestones. sigh. Turns out I was physically advanced, already walking, working on running, attempting to talk, etc.  Oft times I wonder the why behind what is sooooo desperately crappy about reality that some of us humans go to such great lengths to live in a false, created, narrative. Maybe it's a guy thing. To me there are events and then there are the emotions around the events. Being pissed off because a flood happened isn't going to help clean up, you know?   I had no choice but to go through it I reckon. Another one of those why? For what reason? Maybe one day I will have understanding about that.   One h--l of a beginning for a hero's journey.  Also no wonder that I wanted to be vulcan.  The OG Trek was on re-runs and I was a big big fan.

What I have been going through is similar to that emotional chain that links, at least in me, certain events together.  With my doggo going over the rainbow bridge, I know that I know, can't explain how I know, it's just that I know, that he's healthy and happy and getting along with those 4 legged that has gone before.  Even now there are times that the silence still gets really loud.  That loss -> loss of marriage -> loss of what might have been -> loss of other people, places, critters -> loss of situations, jobs, opportunities -> (quoting SuperTramp) -> loss of what I could have been if I would have had more time. 

Not complaining. That all of this is coming up, I cautiously allow myself to feel the emotion,  which drains the juice out of it and another chunk is resolved, another part of the weight is dropped, and a bit more healing up happens.   {well, as a youngling, I was taught to be in fear of myself, fear of my capabilities at every level, which isn't innate to me, it was a projection of those who were not prepared / didn't know how to parent a kid that I was at the time. Cut from a different cloth as it were. }

From time to time, I know that I know, can't explain how I know, it's just that I know, certain beings come back round to check in on me. Hmm, have you ever went into a house, and you do not sense with your 5 physical senses that there is another being in that space? Like someone is napping in a upstairs bedroom and when they come downstairs where you are, you're not surprised because you somehow knew that they were there?  Same exact thing with me. It's not like those that have gone on before are 'gone' it's different than having them around in this physical shared reality.  Bittersweet at times, enjoyable at others. My human still misses them being in this realm.

My path continues. Grateful for the healing so far and what is coming. 

Crazy busy at work, lost a team member, and other people in other parts of the org act like that not only are we fully staffed, we are actively looking for work to do.  Will see how that plays out.

Wishing all here all the best.

[Chart]

Feb 28 2025
Hmm, have you ever went into a house, and you do not sense with your 5 physical senses that there is another being in that space? Like someone is napping in a upstairs bedroom and when they come downstairs where you are, you're not surprised because you somehow knew that they were there?

Oh yeah. There's a part of my brain that knows what the other 99.9999% doesn't. I'm really good at listening to that part now (due to all the times it kicked me later).
 

[Papa Coco]

SH and Chart; I often believe that I am more connected to the other realm than I am to this one. I understand it better than I understand this realm. It's more real to me than waking life is. I trust the energies of the other realm more than I trust the energies and words of people in this realm.

My therapist is 77 years of age and has done therapy since the late 1970s. He has told me that his patients who have Complex PTSD are his most spiritual patients.

Authors like Robert Falconer, of The Others Within Us and When you're Going Through H*ll, Keep Going, teaches that without a spiritual component of some kind, the treatments for CPTSD are hindered. We are all body, mind and soul. We were damaged as body, mind and soul. The best treatments should address body, mind and soul.

I have been visited many, many times by those who've gone on before me. Including my pets. When a loved one passes, I swear a part of me goes into that realm with them, and for the next several days after their departure, I swear I can feel the Love and peace of the other side as if I'm there with them myself.

I have noticed that saturating a room with peace, either peaceful prayer, or peaceful music, seems to temper that room with the energy of peace deep into its furniture, walls and decor. I can meet a person and if they touch me physically, I can sense whether they are safe or dangerous. Just by the touch. More often than not, when I suddenly feel an urge to do something different, I find out later that I avoided an accident or a confrontation. And if I don't answer my intuitive warnings, I'm pretty much always sorry I didn't.

I am not a religious person. But I do feel a sense that we are all one, whether we like it or not. And I've visited the other realm when under the spell of dreams, meditations and medications.

I've never had a super good experience with a hypnotist. I've never been put under to the point that I feel like I'm connecting to anything or anyone. I would love to find a hypnotherapist who can actually put me under.

[StartingHealing]

3-1-25
Chart, yep we get learned up really fast when that 'something' inside fires off a warning aaannnddd we don't pay attention, and the situation(s) come back round to smack us. 

PC, being in a hypnotic state is a part and parcel of being human.  It's related to focused attention, instead of being directed outwards it's directed inwards + being in a flow state. If that makes any sense. IMO most "hypnotists" do not have the depth of savvy to really 'get' what is happening. There are resources that can be found on the interwebs where one can learn how to do self-hypnosis.  Realize as well that as far as I have been able to figure out, our brains are creating a representation of reality.  that is why language (which is either written or audio symbology) is so powerful.  Not to mention that if you consider that words uttered, that audio vibration, does it ever go away?  Gets weaker, but does it ever go away?  Add in that you are listening to yourself all the time.  That is why changing self-talk is powerful, can be very slow for sure, yet it's also very powerful.  The power to create or destroy resides in the tongue.  Somewhere along the line, that has been forgotten by most two-legged critters.  That's why generally speaking, folks like Louise Hay with her approach to affirmations, the EFT (tapping) approach by Brad Yates, etc. Can have very beneficial effects. Small changes over time add up to some major shifts.   Milton H. Erickson, amazing person, worth a dive to read up on him and what he accomplished not only in his own life, but also with the number of people he helped. 

Touching someone and knowing that good / bad is something way cool PC.  For me I get uncomfortable when in proximity. A general sense of 'eeeewwww' as long as I'm not in my head. If I'm in my head then.. I miss that message. Which goes back to what Chart mentioned. 

I don't agree with everything Alan Watts has put out, and yet I have found nuggets that have helped me a great deal.  His take on attention for me is spot on. The knowing that the witness within, that part that is aware of all the monkey mind chatter, and yet doesn't get trapped in it, to me that awareness is the interface between the spirit and material. Hypnosis is a method of many, to get to a level that is twixt spirit and material and there are many levels there. There are documented cases in the clinical hypnosis literature where that awareness was accessed, and the results were amazing. Serious health conditions gone, addictions gone, like the human got a refresh, all the negative from a human perspective got flushed and the being at the root was then able to more fully express.

I am going to attempt to explain what is meant when I use the term spiral. It's not only a spiritual term it's actually what the Earth is doing in it's orbit. The sun is in orbit around the center of the milky way, and Earth is going around the sun, but since the sun is moving, the earth traces a spiral path through space.  It is not a negative thing, rather I use it to mean that on my path, there are similar situations that arise because I haven't learned that lesson yet or if I have learned the lesson, there is a deeper understanding that I need to obtain or I need to learn how to bring about changes in self to finally be done with it. 

You know, while the 'science' has provided us with some really cool things, there have been lots of concepts that have taken root in the collective unconscious, like the universe is a clockwork mechanism, that the physical reality is "it" that there isn't anything beyond that, and most da--ing of all is the idea that we are here because of some random chance thing. I'm here for some reason. What the reason(s) is I cannot say. Perhaps the reason(s) are beyond my limited human understanding. Same with the 'why' I experienced what I have experienced.  At least now there is the concept that consciousness, awareness is a fundamental property of the Universe. Thank you quantum physics folks.  To me that circles back to Animism, shamanism, Shinto, oh so many of the old ways,  Which also fits with beings that are not in the physical that love us and they come to check in to see how we are doing.     

Wishing all here all the best

[Chart]

Which also fits with beings that are not in the physical that love us and they come to check in to see how we are doing.     

Funny, this makes me think of the Forum too...