I wish I had a personality disorder.

[droopsnoot]

I spent so many years in therapy trying desperately to find some sort of diagnosis. I didn't care what. BPD, ASPD, HPD. Anything that meant I didn't have to process my trauma. It was so much easier for me to wrap my head around the idea that something was fundamentally wrong with me. But knowing that I could've had a normal life had I not been taken advantage of feels like the worst outcome.

I was told countless times that people had no idea what was wrong because it made no sense for me to have the symptoms I do without any outside factors. Sometimes I wish I could go back and admit to everybody that I was being abused and they were right all along. I feel like I'm in mourning for all the amazing relationships that I ended because of what I went through. I feel guilty for lying and trying to write everything off as genetics. If only I had the words I have now to explain the things I do.

All I can do tho is hope that I don't make these same mistakes in the future.

[Blue_Jays]

Thanks for sharing,

I completely relate to this. I also stumble on those thoughts too. Of wanting to have another reason for the way that I am. Many people have hinted towards me being autistic throughout my life, but that was before they knew about the abuse. I very well could be, but I am not certain.

I often wish I could go back to high school, gather everyone I knew into the same room and walk through why I am the way I am (and was). I guess that is just the desire to be understood. I had been a bit of a compulsive liar in my youth, but it was only because there was no space for the truth at that time in my life, too much in jeopardy. I have a lot of guilt and grief around my youth.

Anyways, thank you for sharing.