Of course it's worth it!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
  I am happy to read your update here - wishing you the best for doing some of those super-triggering things though - sounds like you're tackling a lot.  Sending you a supportive hug 
Hope

[Blueberry]

Thanks rainydiary, SenseOrgan and Hope!   

I've been mostly on my Mbr Journal so that's why I haven't responded before, sorry.

Re-reading my posts now from back in November, I can see and feel lots of progress

Partially it really just seems that I need time and I need to give myself time for things to evolve, which they are doing. Some news I have received in the last days has been hard, emotionally, but if I lose the will to get up in the morning and the will to do any self-care whatsoever, then it's just brief. Nothing like the length or depth of depression and give-up in November. Really good for me to note. I don't even have therapy atm and partially I think that's good because this seems to be a process that's coming on its own and with which I don't need help. Some of the FOO (and other) stuff I'm dealing with atm would've thrown me for a total loop in Nov./Dec. but now I can deal with it emotionally, don't feel I need help from a T. Maybe next time I'm in inpatient or outpatient therapy, I can get on with some healing from CSA or whatever trauma is behind my eating disorder, rather than ending up with me being triggered by other patients, when inpatient that is. Or having a therapist being too cognitive with me if outpatient.

Today, I was a bit slow getting going, getting up, but I did before noon and made it into the town centre for some singing and for the farmer's market, which I don't always on a Saturday. It's good when I do though because I always see people I know in the town centre, even if just to say 'hello' to - it helps.

The sun is coming out again    so I guess I'll go down into the garden and do a bit of work. That does me good too and appeases landlord, who's being a bit pedantic atm. Such is life.

And yes! Of course it's worth it!!

[sanmagic7]

you brought a smile to my face this morning, blueberry.  the idea that you are seeing your own progress, are acknowledging your own process and allowing it to unfold as it does for you, i can't think of a better spring renewal for you.  very glad you were able to get out and about, do some singing, some gardening.  yay for you!     love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Nothing feels worth it atm. Shows how fast things can change. otoh they could change in the other direction too, to feeling worth it again.

acknowledging your own process and allowing it to unfold as it does for you,

Not too much of this going on atm. Mind you, LL asked if I spend all my time online when I'm up in my flat, to which I said simply "No." but didn't add 'none of your business', however there are days when I spend hours online, of which OOTS is probably the most useful. Or maybe another small forum or two where I look at animals and play word games and 'know' some of the others, the way we do here even before Zoom meets and book project etc etc started.

Anyway when people in my environs start querying what I do all day and not having a clue but pretending they do, that tends to trigger me into shutdown/give up. Go back to bed, doze, sleep, read. At least no nightmares today, in fact generally no nightmares for a while. Something to be thankful for!

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i've also had people ask me what i do all day, and, yes, i agree w/ you that it's 'nunya', as in 'nunya business'.  i could pretty much mirror what you do, except i usually exchange small screen time on the computer for big screen time watching tv.  i've decided to put all that under the heading of 'healing'.  it's helped me (sometimes) to think of it like that.  at times, when the weather serves, i will take a short walk, but otherwise, no.  my friend asked me that same question, and i did feel a little weird? ashamed? not right somehow? that i didn't have a more active life, didn't go out more, etc.  i don't even have enough energy to call and chat w/ the 3 people in my life most days. i've lived here 9 mos. and finally put stuff up on the walls of my room yesterday.

i'm sorry you go into a shutdown mode cuz of your lack of energy for doing whatever.  just want you to know i've never thought of you as 'less than' because of it.  i do know you're dealing w/ your wounds as best you can and i understand how they can get the best of us w/o warning from day to day. sending love and a hug filled w/ support and compassion.  this beast sucks, but that doesn't mean we do.  

[Blueberry]

i've lived here 9 mos. and finally put stuff up on the walls of my room yesterday.

This caught my eye when I saw your post the other day. I've lived here 2 years now and most of my pictures are not on the walls. I have some calendars up, including a huge one from last year with nice nature photos which is why I left it up. What feels like 'recently' but may be a month or two ago, I stuck a poster I've had for years on my living-room door and a picture of a sleeping dormouse on my bedroom door, but that was it. Lots of stuff still waiting. I'm actually fairly good at accepting myself for that because years back when I was actually still working fulltime (pre-collapse), I wanted to tape some nice paper on one small shelf of an open cupboard, which I did. But then I was so exhausted, I had to lie down and sleep for a couple of hours. At the time, I had no idea why I was so exhausted but I understand better now. It's a pity that it's so difficult for me to make where I live into a home that reflects me and that would probably strengthen me if I had these things visibly surrounding me rather than in some pile or box, but it is how it is.

Hey, you managed after 9 months    I presume there's something real in your trauma holding you back, even if it's not quite the same as what's holding me back.

[Blueberry]

I'm copying this over from a different journal of mine because it shows me so well atm why believing that  It's worth it  is so difficult for me, especially i suppose the It's worth it to keep going  / to keep at it

We have 3 core emotional needs: boundaries, safety, love.  [Astounded to see boundaries here! Hadn't realised it's an emotional need ] Emotional boundaries could also be defined as 'delineation between self and others', they help us say Yes or No to others and to ourselves. If you have difficulty committing to yourself and following through with what you know to be healthy for yourself, then probably your core emotional need for boundaries was not met in childhood. [Big lightbulb went on here for me! That's why so many things are so difficult for me - from fasting, the 'positive' fasting I intended for Lent, (probably even getting out of bed on a daily basis), not just reading but also implementing what I find in books etc. on healing, just to name a few examples - it's so hard to say YES to myself and to what I know would do me good. /quote]

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, never thought of not putting stuff up on my walls as trauma related.  i'm thinking it's an 'impermanent' thing.  like, i won't be here long enough for it to make a difference, don't want to claim this place as mine if all i'm going to do is move on soon.  thanks for helping me think about it.

and another thought came to mind - it's not worth it.  the title to your journal here.  safety and boundary needs.  difficulty committing to myself, making it my own, even tho i feel better surrounded by my things.

saying 'yes' to your 'self', as well as to yourself - i see those as 2 different entities, altho they're wrapped up into one, kind of like brain and mind.  what does one's 'self' need, as well as what does one need for their self.  emotional vs. material needs, maybe.  anyway, what you wrote turned into a lot for me to think about, clarify for myself. 

i do feel badly that you have such a difficult time being consistent w/ your self care, on whatever level.  i see that kind of inconsistency as wearing, debilitating at times.  it reminds me of when i get sick, get well, sick again - can't maintain some kind of health - physical or emotional/mental - for a long stretch of time.  dang, i wish this crapola would stop and you can see the light of day for an extended period.  love and hugs