gender dysphoria, identity dysphoria, desperately wanting to be a certain way

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I want someone that actually understands me, and is available more frequently (unlike my aunt which is often at work). ChatGPT and copilot isn't very effective, same old ineffective "You are not alone" "Let me know how I can support you" "Don't let that define you".

I get unpleasant thoughts daily such as "What if I'm a mistyped enneagram two in denial because my biggest concern is what others think of me? I would rather die than be a 2". All of the time I have flashbacks from the past, such as:
- certain staff from the children's home labelling my behaviour as "histrionics", which is not just invalidating but highly offensive as a transgender male, especially as a transgender male that makes being emotionless as possible part of his identity.
- my brother ridiculing me for wanting to be happy, for being subject to pleasure and pain, for being subject to the concept of comfort.
- the way people treat me on the internet, I could write essays upon essays about it, ranging from typing me as a typology that is highly distressing on PDB, to comments on youtube such as "If you don't like the way someone is dressed, do you lash out at them?".

I do NOT want to be dramatic, impulsive, irrational, hysterical, oversharer, Karen, BPD, in any shape or form whatsoever. Being labelled as such by others, in any shape or form ("are you that girl that cries really loud?" "thank you for being so open and honest" etc), is highly distressing.

tall lanky skinny
pale skin
fluffy curly hair
video games
weed
philosophy
info dumping
acne
autism/ADHD
chill monotone voice
PURE PERFECTION
IT JUST ELICITS ANOTHER KIND OF ENVY, A TIER OF ENVY I CAN BARELY DESCRIBE
NOT BEING LIKE THAT ENOUGH CAUSES SO MUCH DISTRESS

Now I'm too afraid to leave the house at certain times because almost everyone in my town knows me, they know me as "girl that screams hysterically" and it is SO triggering

being jealous of gamers, stoners, mathematicians, doomers, etc in particular more than I don't know other kinds of people like Idk chavs, bodybuilders, kawaii anime cute girls, emo goth people, or boring generic old people or something and basing my entire identity off of it. It's also manifest in all my tastes. My music taste, my fashion choices, the way I like to speak and write and use vocabulary, it all revolves around it.

I like leaving the house so much, I like travelling to a broad variety of places, my life gets so boring quickly if I don't do that, but at the same time it is so painful comparing myself to so many people, feeling inferior to others constantly.