I'm struggling

[Okthenrighton]

Hello, I am here to introduce myself. I am 24, learned about cptsd a few months ago, and have started therapy and medication. I have been so lost my whole life and always always thought I was the problem. I have a terrible relationship with myself. I am struggling so much these days, and I have been for a very long time. I just constantly avoided and ran away from myself and now the reality of my life is setting in.
I barely even understand my own trauma, but I struggle with feeling like I have the right to say I am traumatized because I feel like I did not have it bad enough.
What I am dealing with in the present is that I am completely alone. I have no close relationships, no friends, I can barely even manage acquaintances. I have so much shame and inner critic activity. I have pretty extreme social anxiety but manage to hide it well enough. I know I need to heal my relationship with myself, but I have no idea how to do that when I can't stand myself. I am suffering so much. I can't enjoy anything. I really don't see the point of continuing but I keep waking up every day and trying to no avail.
I want to keep this short, but I just wanted to put this out there and see what happens. Thanks for reading.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. Your experiences will resonate with most people here - probably everyone, in fact.

Many of us also feel that our trauma is not "worthy" because others had it worse. It's a very typical attitude for sufferers of CPTSD and can be difficult to handle because others can inadvertently reinforce the idea. Someone here has been told straight out by someone with PTSD from a combat situation that the trauma coming from war is real but something coming from more "minor" types of abuse does not count. Well - it does count. Imagine tapping a glass against a wooden floor repeatedly until it breaks. Compare that with dropping a glass from height onto a concrete floor. In both situations you end up with a broken glass. In some ways, breaking the glass by constant tapping is worse when you look at it that way. Think just how constant and deliberate the abuse of the glass is while it gradually sustains more and more damage.

I am happy that you have realised what the issue is and that you have started addressing it. Healing can be a long and hard road but it is so worth it. You are lovable, and you deserve to be loved, including by yourself. Keep on keeping on.

[DZ]

Hi Okthenrighton,

Thank you for speaking up and sharing. If I could provide some input and advice, I think start with giving yourself grace. You can't work towards a better you by expecting yourself to just wake up and be better. It takes time and most importantly grace. Reminding yourself this is and will be an ongoing journey. Something that helped me a lot was journaling. When I would spiral in my thoughts I found journaling helped. I was resistant at first. I thought it was stupid, wouldn't help, and it was silly. I barely knew where to start but I started. I remember one of the first entries I wrote was "this is stupid and don't know why I am even trying". I first began forcing myself to write entries even when I felt it was pointless but with time, I began opening up more and more and writing more and more about my thoughts, my feelings especially when I felt isolated. I also began writing about my good days. At first they were far and few but they continued to get better. Things that also helped me open up was complimenting people/strangers. Small complements like nice shoes, or outfit. Small things. It made me feel good. Going out on walks. I enjoy coffee so I would find new coffee shops within my city to visit and go for walks in parks while listening to music. I know its hard. I know we get in our own way but you can do this! But it starts with giving yourself grace and working on loving yourself. One day at a time.