Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.1

[tea-the-artist]

This morning I had a dream about a child. A toddler on youtube who shares my real name. IRL I think she's 4 now but in my dream she could walk but wasn't speaking much (mostly whining or grunting). I was holding her had at a craft store and she let go and ran around to another isle. I went after her and she was sitting kind of grumpily. I brought her up to her feet and we walked over to a shelf that had some plants. She was trying to sit down or pull away or something and kept trying to sway herself out of my hands and I kept having to pull her up. I was reaching for one of the plants when a lady came by and commented on the girl. I forget what, but I responded "Well it's probably also hard for me because I'm not actually her parent." Soon after the dream ended.

As soon as I woke up I was wondering if that was my IC (she would be in my dreams, the one place that's easy for me to identify and understand key elements and attempt to act on that understanding). If so I hope I can see her again. I've been thinking about when I might start working to understand IC work and attempt to reach out again. But I guess she found me in my dreams. Though, we were already together, from what I remember. I wonder if I can get myself to dream about her again. Like lucid dreaming or something. Maybe when I learn and understand more I'll somehow be able to do it.

I'm still having a really difficult time with comfort/validation. Last night I was reading a couple articles on emotional neglect and abandonment and of course there were statements like "What you were conditioned to believe about yourself is false" or "The belief that you don't deserve better is just that. A belief. Not a fact" and that really got me emotional. I still can't tell if it's me being overwhelmed that we've never been told good things like that growing up, or if it's an inner critic combating those kind words with intense feelings of doubt and disbelief and self-invalidation. I'm sure once I've really come to understand all of my selves, I'll know what's causing me trouble.

I'm still having MASSIVE problems soothing myself when I get into an EF. I just end up feeling all the emotions and then drifting off as the emotions ease up. It's horrible and so exhausting, especially when I'm at work. I'm always thinking it's not fair, maybe to help myself realize I'm on my own side, but I guess I don't really believe that.

Before I headed to work I was actually imagining myself in such a rage. I had read something about kids who are emotionally neglected have difficulty with mood swings and handling anger. And I thought of myself going into the bathroom and yelling and screaming, kicking the stall doors, everything. Then I imagined myself in the pack of trees near campus, and screaming until I got distracted by my mom coming back to her office. I really wish I could scream. I used to scream into my pillows but I haven't done that in a while.

I just wish Icould go somewhere and scream in rage and cry because I'm so so so so so sooo tired. And then after I could go home and instead of my FOO, it would be a pet (preferably a cat, but a dog would be nice too, maybe both) and they would actually be able to sense I'm not feeling OK and comfort me to the best of their ability without making me feel bad.

I've been on and off dreaming/imagining as Rosie (one of my characters) and him being comforted by his partner about self-perception. He's the only character other than the timid older man that really needs/likes physical comfort, so he's been on my mind a lot lately.

I really really wish there was a way to physically comfort myself. For it to not feel like me, but as someone else that I like or care about. I hate that my parents are so emotionally unintelligent that I have to live like this now.

I'm going to go back to reading so I can continue my self-educating. I think I have a lot to learn about inner children and critics and flashback managing, so I've got a lot to brush up on.

[tea-the-artist]

trigger warning// emotional neglect/occasional caps lock, I had to step away and came back and realized how much I was raging

I can't say I'm on edge, or even drasticizing, but I'm feeling a little skeptical. Yesterday my brother and I had some laughs about a car in front of us was blaring music. I pretended like I was vibrating along with how loud it was (in retrospect, that was the entertainer fawn in me that just had to lighten things up). He said it sounded like our washing machine that makes banging noises and I laughed maybe a little too hard at that.

I know it's not going to last. Maybe he's seen how down I've been and wants to suck me back into to being Little Miss Sunshine. This morning he even came to my room as I was getting ready and asked if I was about to leave. The answer was obvious but he asked anyway. Usually if he's up he ignores me, just walks past my room if the door's open.

It's just a little too good. It's starting to bring back some guilt, but I'm trying really hard to continue focusing on myself.

Anyway, yesterday I asked my mom some more questions about my childhood. I've been realizing some wickedly early memories and I needed to know how old I might have been.

I told her about the time my dad and I were coming to a grocery store. As we entered, we saw a little kid about my age (my mom said I was 3 or 4) crying and yelling, something about wanting his Barney plush toy, I don't remember. But what I do remember is my dad saying to me "Don't ever let me catch you doing that/behaving like that." I said OK. I didn't really get why he told me that, but little did I know that's probably one of the KEY elements as to why I started to suppress my feelings. I must have understood him as saying "Don't ever cry! Not like that. Not at all! Or you'll be in trouble when we get home."

20 years later, I'm still following old orders.

But how DARE he have the nerve to say that to a child. It really... just... I hate that a crying child could ever be a "nuisance" to my dad like that. In our house, someone was always being "a nuisance," and it was either my brother and I goofing around or my brother and I having feelings.

How could anyone something like that to a child. A child who's got only 3 years of life experience. Who probably just started to speak coherently to her parents. WHY!!!! I just really @#$@#^#$%#$% hate that he thought that was OK!! And still thinks its OK! Telling me "So what?!" when I expressed how upset it made me when he told MY MOM to TELL ME "not to cry" if someone at school was being hurtful to me. WHAT KIND OF... god awful #*%&@#* parenting!!! Honestly the worst. The absolute worst. How any adult who decided to continue caring for a helpless baby for many years to come... how could any person who MADE that decision deny a 3 year old her right to having NORMAL EMOTIONS!!!

I struggled for years, I might still be young but for all of my life, being unable to express and healthily express my emotions. What the * did I ever do to * deserve that?! NOTHING!!! I was born and I had the gall to have emotions like every freaking body else, and I got stuck with the ignorant duo that couldn't handle that. Who pushed me off to baby sitters and a daycare while they work away and sacrifice to provide for me. Oh yes congrats  The world's greatest parents could fill the economic need of their children, but completely flopped and BAILED on the emotional needs!

that's just the * reality of all this *. NOBODY cared. My parents didn't care. They didn't even TRY to care. They cared about all the things that don't even mean *. My grades in school don't mean *. How well I tried (and failed) to keep my room clean don't mean *. The major I was forced to choose when I first started college don't mean *. That GARBAGE newspaper job I was forced to take alongside taking 7 classes on my FIRST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE don't mean anything. The garbage pay I got for that job doesn't mean anything. The classes I took. The transferring of schools. The job I have now. None of that means anything.

What mattered was getting bullied on the first day of 6th grade. And being told I didn't deserve to get singled out like that. My desire to be the person I wanted to be. Who needed support to be that person. How sad and miserable I was when my brother left for college. How worthless I felt all the times my dad blatantly said he didn't care about my feelings. The way I felt about that awful job, how I felt I got treated like some lesser person. How seriously stressed I was having to do a job that still continued even when I WASN'T working. All this * matters.

But for some reason I got stuck with two people on this planet who are so wildly emotionally unintelligent that THEY WILL NEVER KNOW. How lucky for them right? To never really know the extent of my misery beyond "You were never there for me emotionally and that makes my life rather difficult to bare with. Woe is Tea~" Even if I had the foolishness to bring it up expecting anything from them, they won't get it. They won't understand. My dad will continuously yell "SO WHAT?!" like it's his second nature. My mom will tear up or cry knowing she should have stood up for her children but never having the strength or ability to do so. Even my brother will shake his head in shame, not at himself but at me for making such a big deal instead of getting over it or "biding my time" like he does.

What a freaking awful family. And every single day that things "go right" is just all the more reason that nothing here is right at all. Fawning excessively as The Entertainer and The Listener towards the people who hurt and abandoned you over and over and OVER AND OVER so many times is just NOT RIGHT!! Emotionally abandoning your children is not right!!! WILLINGLY abandoning them like for the sake of "tough love" (as if I believe in that garbage) is not right! Letting your YOUNGEST child become the surrogate mother to your oldest child is not right!! Letting her do that unknowingly since the age of 8 is NOT RIGHT!!!!!!!

I didn't do anything to deserve any of this. NOTHING a person could do would ever make them deserving of this. I'm NOT a bad person. I never hurt any of them intentionally. All of my actions were and are STILL so based around how all of them are going to feel and react and treat me. I didn't deserve that. The kid I was back then, she didn't deserve any of that. She's not a bad person. She would NEVER hurt anyone. She would never make anyone feel bad about themselves. She would never go out of her way to make someone feel like they are worthless, like they don't matter.

[tea-the-artist]

UGH and one of the worst things is I can't even SHOW how angry I am about this. When I get off work I'm going to go back to Little Miss Sunshine to see my mom. And go home to smile sunshiney smiles at my brother and dad. One crooked look at I'm back in the hot seat, back to outright verbally denying any abuse, any failures on my parents' part. What a fun life.

[Wife#2]

Yes, yes and YES - you did NOT deserve that treatment and you DID deserve loving, considerate, supportive parents. Little Tea went through so much! Grown-up Tea still is also!  to you, my friend. No matter how long it takes, I and others will be here cheering you on, giving you someplace to unload all that hurt and anger until you're safe enough to express it out loud.

YOU are a wonderful person, just as you REALLY are, without the Little Miss Sunshine mask in place. Ticked attitudes ARE allowed. YOU are allowed to feel whatever you feel, without justification or explanation. YOU are enough!

Instead of waking up on the wrong side of the bed, you somehow were put in the position of having all 'wrong-sides' painted black. They're still there, but you're not allowed to 'see' them, let alone have and use them. As soon as it's safe to do so, I'm sending you some psychic paint thinner, so that paint doesn't go with you. All your colors will shine through - happy iris blue to angry rose red with thorns and all! I will wait along side you until the WHOLE, REAL you can emerge.

[tea-the-artist]

Thanks so much for your support Wife#2  As hard as it is to truly feel validated it really means a lot to know you and others are cheering me on, and are compassionate to Little Tea, who I know really needs to know she has grown ups by her side 

I think this is the first time I've expressed such anger here. I managed not to cry or even feel incredibly low and sad during or after writing. It feels different. I've reread it twice now. I still feel like I have a lot to say. I thought more about some stuff and things from my past. Some things have been continuing to click and a lot is starting to make so much sense.

I remember those little family vacations we had my first couple years in elementary school. Honestly I don't know how it didn't click before. I really truly do have a hard time "relaxing" and honestly I always have. On each of our trips, it was supposed to be "fun." Most kids would be running around screaming in joy but I was the Little Adult that acted properly. Didn't want to act rambunctiously or else I'll be in trouble with dad.

That time we visited the city near where I live now. There was a tall fountain that people (usually kids) could run around in. My parents had the camera out to video tape us. I kind of stood around awkwardly near them, but they told me to go check it out. I think I was 8 or 9. I walked over to the fountain, maybe skipped. I remember watching the tape and seeing just how uncomfortable I was. I wanted to have fun, but I was so embarrassed to even THINK about being joyful and hopping around the water like any kid ought to do (especially when encouraged by their parents).

I didn't look like I enjoyed it. I don't think I did. I know I didn't enjoy it. I walked around for a little near some smaller kids but rushed back, like somehow my "fun time" was up. I hate that, but I feel more sad than angry now.

On our vacations all we did was sight-see, but never really experience what the city had to offer. We never went to the beach. I live 30 minutes away from that beach now and I still have never been to the beach. My brother and I never got to rent roller blades like the cool adults we saw. Or biking. The last time I rode, I was still in elementary school. Probably 9 or 10.

I was such an ordered kid. I could never keep my room clean for more than a month though. But for the most part, I was a grown up kid. All my friends said I dressed older than for my age.

But I just can't remember any times I could really relax. Even back when I started college, I was always on edge about something. My first weekend away from home I cried so much because I didn't know what to do with the new freedom. At the time and even years later I thought I was homesick, but I really wasn't. Even my first drink, I still felt on edge. Even the times that I was without a doubt relaxed, I wasn't really.

But I just feel so sad for Little Tea that was on edge. Always reciting the orders in her head. Don't do that. Make sure you behave yourself. Don't let me catch you doing XYZ or ABC. She never got to really enjoy childhood. She actually never got to go to her friends' houses except for two birthday parties. All before 2nd grade.

She was so alone and I hate that. When she played with her own interests, dolls, drawing/painting, her own games, she was always by herself. She always ALWAYS loved watching brother play his games. I haven't in a while but I still enjoyed. But whenever she did her things that she liked, nobody watched her. Nobody took interest. Nobody cared about her stuff. Everybody let her do her own thing as long as she wasn't breaking rules or acting up. Some of the kids at school liked watching her draw. One time actually in 6th grade, a whole crowd of kids (maybe 10 or so) crowded around her in the gym on picture day to watch her draw her friend.

Little Tea's family never did that for her. I can't remember if any of her drawings made it to the fridge. If they did, she put them their herself. Nobody was proud of the nice pictures she made. I'm still proud. My skill is much higher now but I kept a lot of drawings. I don't even think I threw any away after becoming an adult.

It's funny (in a non-humorous sort of way).. a couple years ago my dad annoyingly called my brother and I "boring" when we didn't voluntarily come outside to watch him and our mom grill or relax on the deck. To expect us as adults to be outgoing funlovers when as kids we were expected not to act on any emotions that werent proper and positive (but not too positive, because then we're acting childish).

To have all these strange rules and expectations, honestly it's no wonder Little Tea freaks out whenever there's a change in environment. Now that I'm older and can go to Zinnia's house whenever I like, it's still difficult to fully relax. How am I supposed to act now? As a kid going to her friends house for a birthday, Little Tea stayed seated on the couch, next to the big fluffy cat, not really saying anything. Attempting to laugh when the other kids laughed. But mostly uncomfortable. Not really having fun.

All those horrible expectations made her become such a lonely kid. At face value, Little Tea had very good friends. Nice, they laughed at her jokes and awed at her drawings and made her feel like she was a good and cool and caring kid. But they didn't have as strong an influence as mom and dad. Deep down she was so lonely. Always truly alone. Doing her own thing alone. Watching TV alone. Playing her games alone. Drawing and writing her comics and stories alone. Decorating her room alone. Doing her own laundry alone. Playing with toys alone. Making her own lunches alone. Eating her dinners alone. Breakfast alone.

[tea-the-artist]

I just can't stop thinking about that video of Little Tea at the park fountain place. She didn't even look sad or upset, but I feel and am so sad and upset. What kid would ever be unexcited to go play at a water fountain with other kids? What kid wouldn't have gone bananas when their mom and dad told them to go play and get your clothes wet? On purpose!

it's so upsetting I'm in tears..just where did my childhood go? was there any point at all that revolved around me, that I was every truly having fun? if so why can't I remember? every memory of it is just so lonely.

[Wife#2]

  to you and to Little Tea.

I have found in my middle-aged years that it is perfectly acceptable to be silly sometimes. My H was mortified, my step-kids delighted. I cared more that day about showing the step-kids that I'm not always stiff and proper.

We ran through a grocery store, playing the alphabet game and tag. It wasn't about winning, it was about relaxing, being silly and having FUN, even while grocery shopping. We got the shopping done. Yes, it took longer than it would have if I'd behaved. But, it got done. And the bigger issue was that the kids realized that being a grownup isn't all about frowning and being responsible. Sometimes, it's OK, even recommended, to cut loose and let the little you inside escape for some silliness.  After that incident, it was worth H's sour look. The kids and I were breathing hard and smiling and had that shine to our eyes. They may have forgotten, but I'll never forget the freedom and joy I felt running, chasing after DS, running from DD as she tagged me.

I know you will have to teach Little Tea HOW to be silly, and that the world will keep spinning when she does.

Maybe start her off slowly. Take her to the park, just Tea and Little Tea. Smile at the other children, especially the noisy ones. Sit on the swing. Slide down the slide. If you're feeling particularly brave, stand on a bench! It's OK to draw attention! Really! Smile at random people you don't know.

My heart hurts for Little Tea and that the parents put a lid on her well of joy. Good news! It's still there! Finding the lid and getting it off will be hard work. She may not trust that the joy belongs to her - but it does. She's allowed to feel it now. She can drink from that well - she can have a TEA PARTY from that well (someplace safe that won't draw attention from the joy-thieves) if she wants!

Ok, that may be too much all at once. If so, I'm sorry. I just get so excited at the prospect that Little Tea could finally discover fun and joy and laughter till tears rolled down her face. She will, you will. I have faith in the both of you. 

[tea-the-artist]

You are so kind Wife#2 like so incredibly kindhearted  Your grocery store-y (heheh) was really cute and sounds like so much fun! Grocery shopping can be really boring (both when you're the kid and the adult, I've learned) but that's super nice you had some good fun with your stepkids!

I love going to the park so I really love your ideas to take Little Tea to the park! I always head straight for the swings! The first time I visited one a couple miles from my house right before college it was a dream! I swung like a kid and I still do!

Your compassion for her is really amazing! And you're excitement was definitely not too much! It's so uplifting I caught myself smiling a lot!  thank you!
------

I really think I needed that cry. Cries I guess. I really tried not to hold back though I couldn't cry out. I kind of just sat in my chair and cried for a while, and then moved to my bed to cry some more. I was just crying the other day too, also about a ruined childhood. I'm sure there's more crying to come but I don't feel so bad about it like I used to. I'm kind of feeling.. encouraged to cry more. Not even feeling like it will ruin my mood or day or anything like that.

I didn't feel embarrassed or annoyed at myself yesterday. kind of just sat there and let it out and let the tears fall and I woke up feeling kind of new.

I'm still new to understanding inner children, but I would like to focus on Little Tea (and possible other? Teas?) and EF management, so lots of reading and research will be about them.

I think that crying was kind of new for me though. The crying and allowing myself to cry, without the bad intrusive thoughts. The whole time, I felt so upset at my parents' failures. How could they let us down. We didn't deserve to be alone like that. We should have gotten to have more fun, freely. Be able to freely and comfortably be more expressive.

I didn't at all feel annoyed or aggressive towards myself. I didn't think any self-invalidating things. Even more, my thoughts weren't even focused on my brother. Like.. at all. Normally, the terrible incidents with him and my dad would pop up in my mind and it would confuse me and direct my thoughts and feelings towards guilt. But THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!

That's kind of exciting. Really exciting.. it's actually confusing  But logically I know this is what I'm working towards. Self-focused recovery!

[Wife#2]

Tea, I don't know, but I think you've experienced cathartic tears. If so, that is absolutely wonderful! A whole new emotion and you gave yourself permission to feel it! Even the sad, bad, scary and angry emotions are worth experiencing - because they're all part of the WHOLE person that is Tea. Gentle tears, cathartic tears, whatever they were, it's beautiful that you could own them, completely for and about Tea, and experience them fully.

Those tears, might they be a start of mourning the fact that your parents couldn't be who you needed them to be? One day, I hope soon, you see that their failure does not reflect on who you are and who you will be.

[tea-the-artist]

Wife#2 that's interesting. I don't think I've ever felt any sort of relief after crying before. Just felt this floaty feeling like I was floating away from those emotions from crying and into a sort of neutral but not content state until something else came up. This is so new to me but I'm going to embrace it!

I had a feeling they might be possibly mourning tears, considering I was tuned into what happened (and didn't happen) to me specifically. In a way it feels good to see and feel this little progress here.

----

In another note, tomorrow I'm seeing MG and his sister Pansy together for the first time in months. I'm sure they're going to ask me about moving out. I almost decided not to respond to MG asking if I was free Saturday. Pansy's commissions aren't done at all and I know she'll understand but on some level I feel maybe not.

My excuse is so poor honestly. The characters from my story, she wanted them but painted as children doing kid stuff. I was excited up until I sort of realized the "reality" of that story. Essentially, the story of the way things [in my life] should have been. That's embarrassing.. every character is an aspect of myself, but magnified with other aspects scattered here and there. I didn't want to be that person but I am and for a while I've been reluctant to write anymore of it. Themes of abandonment, emotional abuse, neglect, betrayal.. suddenly I was realizing how triggering it was to write it and brainstorm (through those "imaginings"/daydreams).

I still daydream as them a lot (as children mostly, sometimes as their normal adult selves). I don't know how to explain all that to Pansy. I don't even know how to explain CPTSD to either of them should I impulsively bring it up 

I also started realizing how "different" they both feel to me. They have jobs now. Careers that they worked towards. I still feel kind of like a child and I keep fretting how I should act around them. We're a goofy bunch but I'm always nervous about if that changes while I'm still not catching up. I know there's no need to compare and catch up. But I still feel like a dependent child, partly because they figured I ought to move in with them.

We might not even talk about any of that at all. Not moving in, not trauma... That would upset me too. Not to think they wouldn't care enough to, but that they didn't ask. It always hurts thinking about how people in my life didn't ask the right questions or enough questions.

I know I can bail.. They're supposed to be in the town next over anyway so it wouldn't completely hurt (I can feel getting annoyed at that.. Not completely hurt? But you said yes already! AND you were supposed to finish Pansy's commissions! You should do that now so she doesn't feel hurt by your lack of communication these few months!)

I feel like I'll have to explain myself with my tail between my legs or something. I wanted to see about working on them next week since her birthday's coming then. They were supposed to be hanging up in her classroom back in September.

I want to bail. I didn't even let my dad know I might be going so there's that. Just when I was starting to feel relatively OK about a few things.. they wanted to see me.

I know I'm hiding and isolating and wanting to stay hidden because I didn't finish the project. I know that doesn't make me a bad person, so many weekly EF's since then... trying to understand it all... but even then I worked on other things. But my story and the characters, I freaked out about it. I know all that doesn't make me a bad person.. logically I know that. I would have been better to outright say that I just won't be able to do it right away or possibly at all. Maybe I should just go and explain and be honest, though I can imagine getting similar results like with Lily. It's been almost a month and no response.

And I was just feeling OK. As soon as I realize I've been slacking in my duties to other people, no longer being self-focused, I feel so bad. My friends didn't do anything wrong to me at all, and yet I don't even know.. I don't feel like I want to see them at all.

[tea-the-artist]

I ended up bailing last minute. MG said it was OK and he hopes everything's OK with me. I stressed for a couple hours trying to not feel guilty, but I couldn't get past that.

In all honesty, I just couldn't deal with being about all of this. And I know I'd have to at some point tell them about complex trauma but I just don't feel I'm in shape to do so. But also I donno.. I don't feel like I trust them enough to take the information and not abandon me. Or wean off connection. I can't even say they don't seem like they wouldn't do that. But this isn't the me I want them to see, and unfortunately I still feel like I need to show them my goofy fun-loving facade that tells everyone that Everything's OK With Me And I Don't Have Any Problems At All. Even though that's completely false. But I just don't feel strong enough to bring on that facade.

I don't want to go out and pretend to have a good time and when they leave, get myself shoved back into an EF. I can't say I'm not in one right now, but it wouldn't be right to pretend. When I pretend, I feel like not only am I lying to my friends but also to myself (and very likely Little Tea). I don't want to do that. When I lie to myself, it feels like the EF I'll inevitably go into will be so so much more intense than usual. Like... "But I was just having so much fun! I was happy! And now I'm not happy at all! I'm in pain. But just hours ago I was so happy with my friends and they think everything's OK with me but it's not. And they don't even know."

That's how it feels. My heart feels so heavy and I feel disappointed in myself for being unable to continue the happiness even after they leave to go home. It's not good to always isolate either, but I just don't want to experience that. I don't even know when I'll be able to push past and be able to show myself fully. I feel so distant to all of my friends. And it's weird and hurts. Maybe because I spent all that time building this fun girl persona that, now that I realize and am becoming more aware of the sadness and other "negative" emotions, I'm too afraid and ashamed to ruin it by showing my full self.

Last night before I said I couldn't make it, I prepared my hair and while looking in the mirror I was practicing faces for when I'd see them. I practiced smiling and laughing and that look I try to do when I want to seem aloof. I even practiced being sad, how I'd look when they'd ask if I was OK and I'd brush it off. Well all that was for nothing. I always practice faces. Like I'm not a real enough person that I have to make sure I know how my face should look when I need to communicate non-verbally.

Who knows when I'd see them again. I know recovery is supposed to be self-focused, but if I don't think about them, I'll have no friends by the time the year ends.

[tea-the-artist]

UGH and it only just occurred to me the massive amount of holidays coming up (including my dreaded birthday at the end of this month). I'm not excited for any of it. We're not a family but inside I still want to decorate and make this place look and feel like a home that a family lives it. I just wish it could be with friends, people who are warmhearted and kind and would be relatively easy to relax around.

I want to help my mom with Thanksgiving dinner and desserts but the last years I didn't or came around occasionally to help because I was focusing on how much my brother dislikes eating with the family (which then made me not like eating with the family because he was uncomfortable with how he's treated and ignored). I feel like I need to prepare something to talk about so I can just talk to him. Or maybe I'll play a game at the table or he can. Usually my dad puts on some * movie that either resembles too much our family dynamic or makes me wish our dynamic was different. Either way, it's always bad.

Last year I wanted to watch an uplifting Ghibli animated movie, but nobody was interested in that and didn't give me the chance to say much about it. Sometimes I wish there were more family members. If we had little siblings, we could talk to them and be fun and hopefully nice to them.

I don't really have much memory of Thanksgivings when I was a younger child before moving here. Christmases were pretty fun. I still wasn't super expressive with my excitement at gifts, and I always had to hold it in, even if I got a present I had really wanted. The last handful of years, we've been financially tight so Christmas isn't too much a deal. But I'm not looking forward to it still.

The thought of having to be together, my dad totally delusional, mom too, thinking we're a good family. It's tiring, considering I'm usually the one they all look to to keep it all together. If I'm looking happy and content, then the family is good. If not, I'm a bad person, ungrateful.

I can almost bet nobody's going to interact with me on my birthday like last year. They'll want me to stay home the day we celebrate, but not talk to me much, only for cake and possible presents.

New Years... we'll pretend to all be excited and hopeful for the New Year. Technically, my brother's the only one who really had any changes this year, with his training course. Good for him, honestly.

I don't even know what I'll hope for next year.

[tea-the-artist]

As I was commenting in another thread I realized how overwhelmed things are starting to get with recovering. Not even talking about still living with the people who hurt me, but just realizing I've got a lot of things to address.

Just the thought that I might not be as "present" as I think I am... and not even knowing if it's an EF or dissociation or who knows what. Baby steps... I know I know.. I just hate this feeling that I got put into this situation, and I have no companions to help me through it. I know folks here are cheering me on and believing in me and my situation/s, but I'm still alone.

I've got abandonment issues and validation/comfort issues and rejection issues and self esteem issues, even self-identifying/SELF-PERCEPTION issues and attention issues and relationship issues and communication issues and trust issues and intimacy issues... the list would probably go on if I had more memories of what else has caused me trouble.

I just feel so overwhelmed at where to even start. Do I start to work to communicating with my inner child/children first? Do I learn and figure out about emotional flashback management first? I don't even really know what I'm doing 90% of the time. Just hoping my autopilot mode doesn't start to consistently fail me.

[tea-the-artist]

Maybe I should just figure that the autopilot mode, I'll be able to turn it off when I'm actually in a safe place, and probably have healed considerably from where I am now.

The distant feeling still scares me in a way, and it makes me feel more wanting to isolate myself.. I just don't think I have the skills and the safe place to work on it right now. And it's likely tied to my emotional neglect. And that's something I'm learning how to soothe so I can re-parent myself in the ways my parents failed me.

And I think I've also lately been doing a good job at staying focused on myself and have realizing and recovering some memories that are proof of neglect. And that's helped me cry about myself and cry guiltily about my brother and how he too suffers (which is true, but it does not mean my own suffering, past and present, are any less important than his). I think the last month I've been progressing in that area. And it's becoming natural to immediately remember my pain and not drift off and focus on the many ways my brother was hurt, like I'm used to like he unintentionally trained me to.

I think also because I may be starting to grieve over lost childhood, it may be a good idea to learn more about inner children. Knowing what I missed out on childhood (non-material based love, physical affection, etc), and learning to provide that for myself. I know it's not going to or supposed to be easy, but I hope soon I can reach out and start to communicate with Little Tea.

[tea-the-artist]

And again I've been asked by MG if I could either sleepover or hang out with him and his sister. I said I wasn't sure about sleeping over but I'd see about hanging on Friday. I think I'm trying to push away from being asked the daunting "So are you interested in moving in with us at all? Or are things at home going so swell that you're fine with living there?" question.

I just can't see myself visiting and feeling at ease. I'm not in trouble with my parents or under the hot seat with my brother or anything. I donno if it's an EF, I just don't want to feel attached or don't feel attached and I'm scared of having to eventually leave. Maybe between today and Friday my parents will throw me out and I'll have no choice and I can start to move on. That's so wishful but I'm so...

I can't believe I'm afraid of hanging out with friends. Those commissions still aren't done. Maybe if I complete them before Thursday, I'll feel better, knowing I have a present for Pansy (though of course, I'd be fawning).

I'll probably be forced to spill my guts about what's been really going on and feel embarrassed and low about how being invalidated by my brother all summer and most of my life has made me feel and how it's made me become.

I don't like being distant to any of them, but I just keep getting the constant need to distance myself. And I'm sure if I see them I won't at all be really aware of what's really happening. I'll know I'm there and I'll function like a normal person but not have any real feelings about anything.

I also don't want to lie and pretend everything is OK or relatively OK. It's not. In reality I don't want anything to break this facade of being happy and fun and outgoing. That's the Tea that they know. It's held up pretty well for the last 3 years they've known me, but keeping up the charade is so exhausting. And it's lonely. Them not really knowing what's going on, me wishing they knew what was going on so I wouldn't feel lonely, but also me not wanting them to know so they don't abandon me. I'm so tired and overwhelmed.