Frustrated, angry, then angry that I'm angry

[Wife#2]

I want so bad for this holiday season for my DS8 to be a good one. The tree is up, the presents are underneath, all wrapped up and pretty. The meal is planned, the finances reasonable. Still, I find myself getting slammed in the back of the head with memories of FOO and hurt and all the crud I survived. More and more memories are crowding back.

I'm beginning to understand WHY Dad was so confused about my love of that house in that city. Since what we moved into next was SO small and SO horrible, it made that house in that city seem idyllic. Compared to B, A must have been wonderful, fantastic, all we could wish for! So, I forgot a lot of these things that happened while we lived there. And I loved that house. Now that the memories are returning, I am sad. I don't hate the house - it's still a good house. I just can't love it anymore.

There were good memories there, just like there are lots of good memories with my childhood family. We did have good times! Many were forced, most are missing one or both parents. Most of my good memories also are missing GC brother. And Autistic sister.

I would have thought that the memories would be happier after we left the big city, seeing that Autistic sister was institutionalized from that point on. But, GC brother became more cruel, throwing me under the emotional bus in exchange for popularity. I spent so many years hoping he and I could be close like oldest bro & middle sis. Nope. They were genuinely close and had each others' backs. GC bro couldn't afford to be seen around me or being kind to me, it would kill his reputation and popularity. So, nope.

I hate that I'm going through all these memories now. During the holidays. I know it's good to deal with this and to put it to bed so I can move on. I get that. I really do. The timing just stinks. I don't want this anger in my heart while I'm trying to celebrate Christmas. It's a false thing and my son has a very strong false-acting-meter.

Do I even know how to be authentic anymore? It feels like I've lost my sense of me. NOW, I understand why second oldest told me I was an angry child. Didn't it occur to her, Mom, Dad, any of them that it's not normal for a small child to be angry all the time? Didn't it occur to any of them to investigate WHY I was angry all the time?

I don't want this struggle right now! I want to feel whole, like I have something left in the tank to offer DS8! I want to be capable of being there for him, making HIS holiday memories happy ones! Instead, I feel like I'm letting EVERYONE down (again, as usual) because I'm so wrapped up inside my own head. I'm moving backward instead of forward. All that progress I've been making, it's still there, but I see it slipping away in an ocean of anger.

I may need to rest from this site so I can put all these things aside and deal with them in the new year. I'm afraid that if I try coping with these memories right now, I'll ruin DS8's holiday. I don't want him to suffer because Mom can't get her * under control.

[tea-the-artist]

oh Wife#2  I understand it's tough! but I also know it's good to realize you're having these thoughts and memories (and to be able to verbalize them here) and not bottle it up, even if you can't address them all right now. I'm cheering you on quietly from my little corner, however you go about things! take care of you

[Wife#2]

Color me thankful, Tea - you are such a great friend! 

Here's to both of us having a good holiday. Maybe not what we would dream for ourselves, but maybe we can dream DURING our standard 'good' day and make it better!

[Three Roses]

It's hard to be dealing with all this emotional * during Christmas when you have a child to take care of! I totally understand why you may need a break from the forum. Do take care of you and get your love tank filled, as you can't pour from an empty pitcher.

Will be thinking of you ...

[Wife#2]

I am so happy to be able to say that we had a very Merry Christmas!

I got the perfunctory call to Dad done on the Eve. Didn't bother with any of the rest of the family - neither did they bother to call me, so, yeah. I was glad I didn't obsess over that fact and ruin the day. Sis did call late in the evening, on her way to GC bro's house.

I'm dissociating right now, had to forceably bring myself back to the present and get going again.

Funny, I've always had those floaters in my eyes. They're worse when I'm under stress (HA ~ yeah, they never really go away). But, when I've been dissociating, I can close my eyes and see HUGE ones across my whole vision, like rebar - and they're the shimmery, rainbow kind. There, I've finally blinked enough to get them back into the background.

So, DS had a FANTASTIC Christmas - reportedly the BEST DAY EVER in his WHOLE ENTIRE life! Our granddaughter ALSO had the BEST DAY, getting exactly what she wanted. We grownups enjoyed getting to see little ones' faces glowing. Yes, it was a great day. I stayed in the moment most of the weekend, in fact. But, it's been barely. I'm glad to be back on the board.

The anger was still there, but I was able to focus it in my mind where it belonged. That helped me keep my face and actions authentically happy with DS and the rest of my FOC.