Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.1

[Wife#2]

Tea, I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I really, really am. It is hard to open your heart to discover there are only the sound of crickets answering your cries.

I can tell you why *I* care! Because you are a beautiful soul. Because you are an artist. Because you are generous in your nature. Because you are kind. Because you are a sincerely sweet person.

No, don't give me those few examples of when you've been a human being and been selfish, frustrated, mean or sour. They happen for all of us. THOSE times don't define you. How do I know that? From being your online friend for these few short months. I see what you type and what you mean by it. I see what brings you pain and what makes you smile. My reasons for caring are legitimate. You ARE worth listening to, caring about, loving.

[tea-the-artist]

THANK YOU WIFE#2!! everything you say means so much to me!

my breakdown really does feel like it happened so long ago because somehow, the metaphorical clean slate of entering a new year had an effect on me.

on th 31st i did some heavy reflecting. of course my feelings had to do with neglect but also self-neglect too. I realized i havent been taking self care seriously or doing it consistently because i honestly and earnestly did not feel i was worthy enough to enact self care on. and i felt that moving out suddenly wouldnt make any difference because no matter where i go, I'd still have these problems of reacting when people say things to me, or don't speak to me at all. similar thoughts to when i realized a few months ago that compliments and comforting words often don't work or make me uncomfortabe because i was so starved of emotional intimacy for the majority of my life. in my mind, i thought "how could an inherently worthless person deserve comfort? feel comforted?" when there is no inherently worthless person.

i know that.

but then i just got to thinking. it has to be repetitive. i remembered when i first met pansy, MG and rose. we hung out all the time when we were in school together. whether it was for newspaper work or for just hanging out for fun, we were always together, 2 or more of us. it was repetitive. day after day, week after week. and the environment was relaxed and supportive. after dropping out of school in 2014, i became so miserable, and back then i just didn't have a clue why. why was i crying every day? was it really just SAD? why did i have hardly any energy to get up from bed?

but it was that i was always at home. in a house where my feelings were always ignored. my silence and sadness went unnoticed, i was yelled at for not noticing my own brother's sadness and silence when my own felt so overwhelming.  there was nothing good about being home all the time when my friends had moved to the city for the second part of school and for work.

and from that i realized. yeah, it's gonna be quite similar when i move out. i might even continue to feel miserable even then. but after it sets in that i'm consistently away from my toxic family, then things can start to feel better. when i'm in a consitently supportive and relaxed environment.  at that point,  I can establish that i am an important person, even when no one is speaking or interacting with me.

And so, going into the new year, at that point of realization, I started to feel a bit better. i almost didn't, so i wouldn't psych my self up too much and get disappointed with failure, but i wrote a goals list for 2017

• get a concrete routine for self care
• go back to using a planner
• read more books
• work on my art story
• move out
• get some funds for moving out

I had posted to my blog asking if folks could wish me luck or anything. i really wanted to go forward into the new year feeling like i was really cared for and supported and not feel alone, and a few online friends sent some wishes and an "i love you!" and it was just.. a new and incredible feeling. feeling not alone. feeling supported and acknowledged and not ignored. it really felt so good. after my parents kept me and my brother trapped watching My Cousin Vinny until 2:30am (it was fine actually) i stayed up until 4am on new years morning writing 2016 reflections in a journal which i'll post later. before i went to bed, i read some text messages my friends sent on my birthday and after that were really uplifiting, as well as messages my online friends had sent and it felt like the reality of my support system was finally in my awareness. it was real. IT IS REAL. the support and love for people who know me personally and those who don't, they're all real and they care about my feelings and they're rooting and cheering me on. i had cried so much in that moment. and i'm crying now as i type, amazed still at the support and care i've gotten.

i went into the new year feeling like a person who's life was valid and worthy of living. it was 4am and i felt that. for once. truthfully and strongly in my heart that i cried and i let myself cry and feel the love and kindness they have for me. it was like being hugged. a huge hug from everyone and i could feel all the distinct arms around me, the strong hugs and the shy hugs alike. how incredible.



this entry is going on very long but there's even more.

I'm determined to move out this year. my dream move date is in March but realistically it may be sometime early summer like july. on friday, i visited pansy and mg's place and we and mg's friend had a great time together. and before we went to lunch, pansy and i were talking in the room that would be mine about potential plans to getting me to move there. attending school may be the option for moving in with them. i dont even have any furniture to move actually since i dont own much anyway. but we talked for a long time and came up with some solutions. pansy also said they were looking for a bed that would fit the room. i also brought over my most expensive watercolor paint palette ($60) and left it in the bottom drawer to the desk thats in my new room. just to give me some extra encouragement for moving out. Pansy also told me shes great at apartment and job hunting and said she will look out for somethings that i may be OK with (like working in one of the city museums possibly) and that's also encouraging, especially since i still don't have a degree, but by the time i'm talking with my parents about finishing school, i'm also going to do some job searching too.

i'm nervous still of course about just bringing up moving out to my parents (though i did have a talk with my mom that night while my dad was sleeping on the couch, and often said "where we live" when i meant "where MG and pansy live" as if i've already moved in, and my mom caught that... i did talk to her about needing to grow up and stop feeling so tied to them like a child who cannot do anything. talked to her about school, i'm not sure when that'll officially come up, but she thought i would want to move into an apartment by myself (yikes!) at the school i used to go to when i first started college. but i clarified i wanted to go to the city, and gave her a "what if my friends let me stay rent free?" and still wasn't reallly sold but she said she'd think about it.

i also finally cut my hair, my dad definitely doesn't like it, and him questioning why i wanted to get it (in a "you're not good enough to make decisions for yourself and i see this decision you made is bad" kind of tone), i got a little bit into an EF but quickly out of it doing some breathing and some telling myself i am beautiful and his thoughts about me don't matter, which worked out. other than that it's been a great start to the new year!

[tea-the-artist]

Glad to say that I'm much closer to moving out. The step before actually moving out still stresses me out and causes me to go into a fit of hous-long drasticizations and feeling very overwhelmed with all of my feelings and the imagined conversations. However I feel more positive about it. I'm excited at the idea of moving out to be with my chosen family and to finish school.

Months ago when I thought about my life outside of this house, it was so cloudy and hazy, always nighttime and I always felt these somber/melancholic undertones of the scenarios I was imagining. I never felt much happiness about moving out, as I always felt alone. But now I don't, I imagine myself with my friends, in my new room lit with peaceful natural light, a peaceful breeze coming through the window. And I'm taking that as a success.

I also think I may be trying to work with my inner child. I decided I'm going to try to really approach it as if Little Tea is my own child. I've written some things we can do and watch, like a parent getting some ideas on how to be closer to their children. Yesterday when I was with Pansy and MG they were reminiscing about their childhood and how their father would actively take interest in the things they liked. Of course mine was the opposite, and would get angry if my brother and/or I didn't really seem interested in what he liked. Not that he ever spent much time with us, that I remember. I got a bit teary eyed when they were talking and felt like a sore loser.

But I know that it's valid to be sad about all the things I missed out on. But I also know that I can do that for myself as an adult, for Little Tea. She deserves that. Good attention and a playful guardian who will do her best to take care of her. Who will not leave her alone when things are seeming happy and only come around when unbearable feelings of the past arise. A good parent wouldn't and shouldn't do that. We can do fun things as well as have pain comforted. I don't and won't judge Little Tea for any pain she feels.

"I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more. I know I deserve more."
― Michelle K.

Since I'm using my planner more often and consistently now, I think I will put together little schedules that incorporate Little Tea. I think I respond well to crafty and artsy things, of course, so there will be some sessions where I have a "warm up" before a big drawing or painting and we can just play. I'm not too certain how to reach her to ask if she'd like to come out to play, so hopefully these sessions will seem interesting to her. I'm sure I'll know when she wants to come and check things out.

Also working on eating habits. I realized I've unconsciously skipped lunch almost every day for the past couple months on days I haven't gone to work (which is the last month since I worked and numerous weeks before). I'm going to stop that and feed myself (ourself?) better and more consistently. There should be noticeable change.

Some nostalgic movies and cartoons and shows from childhood that we can watch. Two days ago I watched Wreck It Ralph, though I was already an adult when it was released, but I still felt like a little kid, seeing all the video game characters and references I knew from childhood. Any thing to make Little Tea feel comfortable and not alone. I'm here for you Little Tea, I want you to know that.

When she is sad or if I'm in an emotional flashback, I will work so hard to think of what my friends would say to me, and tell Little Tea or myself those things. I know it'll work out.

[Wife#2]

Wreck it Ralph - I LOVE that movie. My 8-year-old is tired of watching. My husband teases me. So what? I love that movie! I don't cry at the end anymore, but I keep tissue handy, just in case!

What other movies really touch you? Think of children's fare. Like for me, the scene in Horton Hears a Who - when the mayor is greeting all of his daughters on the conveyor belt - yeah, I get that scene. Which ones speak to and validate you? Watch them! That can help your inner child know you are reaching out to her.

[tea-the-artist]

Yes that's one of my special movies! There's a theme of movies I cherish that involve characters cheering on the protagonists. Especially characters who were once antagonists. The Studio Ghibli movies have that tendency, especially Spirited Away, which I also need to add to the list. Whisper of The Heart is my all time favorite movie, a relationship where two characters do their best to uplift each other in their goals. I love that and that's always touched my heart since I was a kid. I think that really has spoken to Little Tea in the past, remembering childhood was not a time of much inspiration and encouragement from family. Those movies all have children as the protagonists (save a few) and are geared towards children as well which I have always appreciated.

I also feel the same way about music too, those songs that seem so happy-go-lucky and are encouraging you to be the best version of yourself. The Rocket Summer comes to mind first, his music is so intensely uplifting that so many of them leave me in tears. Later tonight I'm going to look through my old journals to see what other music I was really into. I loved writing songs and artists lists every now and then, and maybe I'll come across some movies I've forgotten about.

Oh I haven't watched Horton Hears a Who in so long, I think I'll watch that too! Thanks as always Wife#2! I hope you're doing well these days

[tea-the-artist]

I'm back at work as usual but this time, this year, with a new perspective. I wanted to take some time to talk a little bit about an issue I was having around the time I joined. The whole identity thing. Truly, who am I without this trauma?

The answer is I just don't know. And I'll never know. Over time I've realized there's been neglect as early as 3 from what I can remember. I have little to no memories of my parents being interested in me at that very young age, I don't know if we ever played together after I started walking and talking coherently.

I know as my memories clear up, I can see younger self (4... 5.. 8... 9) I can see her always sitting alone in her room playing with her toys or drawing. I remember that one time I wanted to draw at the dining table one afternoon. I drew with my brother, who would always comment, "stop shaking the table when you erase!" How can a 9 year old help that? I still wonder. After a while I ended up staying in my room alone to do my activities.

Even a sad time when my mom was arguing with either my dad or brother, I sat in my room by myself singing sadly that "We Are Family" song, but saying "We aren't" instead. No one came to comfort me. Not even as I got older and more aware of when my parents argued. Even the time when I was much older in high school, when I yelled at them to stop yelling. They were angry with me and couldn't tell how afraid I was.

Even all the other things that count as abuse and neglect.

I suppose without all of that, I wouldn't be who I am today. Sure I wouldn't be dealing mental illness and struggling to keep myself up. But really who would I be? I don't know, and I think I'm starting to feel OK about it. Many of the things I do and say for and to others is because of trauma.

Over New Years and even prior, friends (online, here, and IRL) have said good things about me. People that I like and care about and trust, they've said those good things because they believe it and want me to believe it too. That I'm nice and intelligent and sweet... cool even (of course MG thinks that!). I've been rereading messages often these days and it's making me feel more and more comfortable. When I do actions that once "seemed nice but I only did them because my trauma makes me feel compelled," I tell myself that I'm such a nice person.

I'm thoughtful... many things I do because it just seems right, and I'd hate for the other person to feel sad or upset. Just yesterday I lent my mom my card when she went to go have lunch with her old boss. I know she doesn't have money to spare... and really I just did feel compelled to give her my card just in case. She ended up not needing it. But I don't regret giving it to her.

As horrid as he occasionally treats me, I still buy groceries and snacks for my brother and myself. Without the trauma, if he still treated me this way, I'm sure I'd be selfish. Which isn't necessarily bad. But my caring for him and caring that he has something ready-to-eat during the week isn't necessarily bad either. There are sometimes I buy more for myself than him, and that isn't bad either I don't think. I do it because I know it's frustrating not having much to eat when he's at home off from school.

I do the same for bills with my parents. I could lie and say I haven't got much, and put the rest away for moving out. Sure (what an idea though!), but I don't. Because I'm nice. The sort of codependent relationships I'm in with my family as a whole and individually among the three of them has made one of my characteristics "niceness." It's often excessive niceness, as I'm walked on and spoken to any which way.

I'm still learning to make habit of not taking rudeness kindly.  Perhaps their reactions to it will lead me to finally externally burst in front of them and I can make my move to get out of the house at last! In due time, I'm sure. I'm not rushing.

But anyway, this identity crisis I'd been having. It's valid. Who wouldn't be upset knowing that their personality stems from abuse?

My personality stems from abuse. That's my reality. And I feel, it's going to make me stronger in the end. Or now or tomorrow.

My personality stems from abuse. I'm nice because I was conditioned to tolerate everything without fighting back.

My personality stems from abuse. I excessively fawn over others because I was conditioned to be the secondary servant of emotional labor for my brother and entertainment and pleasing/pride for my parents.

My personality stems from abuse. I go along with things because I know what it feels like to be left out. To never get my way and I don't want that for anyone.

My personality stems from abuse. Often I soak up the emotions from others around me because I've been conditioned to feel disrespectful or like a bad person if I am content or enjoying myself while someone else is sad and suffering.

However! It's also ok to become more assertive. Being assertive doesn't make me mean.

Not always doing what others want or expect of me (in the right contexts) will not make me a bad or mean person. It's OK to do things for myself on my own terms. It's ok to refuse to do things.

Wanting to have my way doesn't make me a bad person. It also doesn't mean I want someone to feel left out or ignored.

There is nothing wrong with being happy while someone else is sad. The reason is that I am not happy BECAUSE someone else is sad, but rather I amhappy because things in my life are making you feel that way. This goes the same for someone else being happy while I am sad. Even if friends are out enjoying themselves while I am sad, it doesn't mean they are ignoring you or not caring about your sadness. Just as often I cannot handle being the emotional labor sponge for everyone, the same is true for everyone else.

I am not obligated to down my mood to match that of a sad friend's. I'm allowed to acknowledge their pain and be there for them, while also being content.

Truly, 2017 is becoming that year of accepting myself. It's going to be a pattern. I'm going to care more about myself. My friends will support me and they will still cherish me, I know that. Everything they've said to me tells me they will be there for me. They care about me and love me, and I care and love them back too.

If my family is so determined to keep me in this shell of self hate and unacknowledged trauma and sadness, then I will be on my way. Day by day, bit by bit, I want to make a routine of not putting up with even the smallest of hurt. That "small" hurt has often triggered flashbacks for me in the past. No more of that. I'm an adult, not a child. Not even an adult child. I want to get on with my life.

[Wife#2]

   What an empowering post! You can add to your list of traits - Wise. Perhaps wise because of trauma, still wise. 

[tea-the-artist]

Yes definitely Wife#2!! I have gradually been seeing an increase in being accepting and OK with it, too!

[tea-the-artist]

things just suddenly turned sour. remembering loss of self, of identity. i remember how when i was a kid, middle and high school ages, I used to look up and take online quizzes about "who I am" based on the things i did, colors i liked, foods i ate. i hate and am sad that my parents destroyed all chances for me to develop at so young an age.
https://askthepsych.com/atp/2010/07/05/i-dont-know-who-i-am-the-stages-of-personal-identity-development/

Generally speaking, the ease with which a person masters the task of defining personal identity has a lot to do with how successfully they mastered the developmental tasks that came before. The stages Erikson outlines that precede identity solidification include:

• Basic Trust vs. Mistrust (established during the very first years of life) 
• Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (the task of toddlers to develop a sense of self-reliance and will) 
• Initiative vs. Guilt (the pre-school age task of developing courage, independence, and a sense of purpose)
• Industry vs. Inferiority (the childhood task of developing confidence, work ethic, and responsibility)

none of them met.

trust destroyed likely before i could talk. or probably by age 3.
nothing from childhood really tells me my parents ever had the mindset to trust me to do much of anything. have always been doubted. most of my actions today are either held back by uncertainty or done on impulse.
scared of everything (tormented by the lego palm tree top that reminded me of a spider. sometime around age 3 or 4. family continued to scare me with it up until we couldn't find it anymore, maybe around middle school. no one reassured me it wasn't a spider, received nothing but joking ashamed looks that said "you really think this is a spider?" all of this very much explains my current longlasting fear of bugs)
parents did not encourage confidence or outspokenness (both things would be seen as disrespect). i don't manage responsibilities all that well unless it comes from a place of shame ("they will hate me if I don't get these things done)

i already know my personality comes from trauma. but it doesn't change the fact that i still do  not have a concrete identity.

in a good way I suppose, it's started making me question my gender identity and expression. I realized I'm pretty detached and typically on autopilot when it comes to it. have been getting a sort of indirect support from an online friend that's encouraged me to work things out and talk myself through things using a coping character and so far I think that may be a good thing to hold on to.

still just.. unsure of myself. having an identity crisis when the steps to developing identity have been destroyed and burned already.  i don't feel anyone really knows what to do about it. or understands how that can happen. i just pick up on mannerisms and tastes from other people and then rotate them out when it doesn't feel like it suits me. i wear what i wear because the internet thinks it's a #Look. i don't know what's me. I'm planning for wednesday after my shift to look through my closet and sort through what gives me a sparkle in my eye when I see and wear it. i'm afraid none of it will really do that because of this whole lack of identity. i don't know who I am. i know what I want to do. I know HOW I am (nice.. sympathetic..).  who is Tea? an artist? lover of sweets and fashion? well, we know the things Tea likes, but who is she? I donno.

[tea-the-artist]

feeling super jumbled, living in my head. just need to get some things out.

what im feeling.

tired. annoyed. frustrated. sad. confused.

thoughts

gender stuff.. i want to be a more concrete person
i hate having no sense of self. no identity. i hate that much of what i am is a mix of things i picked up from people and things that were caused by people.
i feel detached too. not sure in what way. earlier i had the image of my physical self carrying a string attached to a balloon that vaguely looked like me. but in terms of a coping character. so it wasn't really me.
interesting way to visualize feeling detached. my autopiloting seems to have really started up today or sometime late yesterday.
no sense of self... can't remember my goals either. i always forget things. the things i want or need to do to progress in recovery or towards moving out. i haven't even thought about that in some time.
i can't seem to focus on more than one thing or concept at a time or timespan.
i'm mad to have parents that just arent even aware of all the damage they've done.. that i have to now fix.

i dont know what i like. i dont know if the things that i like are because i genuinely like them or because someone else liked them too. did strawberries always used to be my favorite fruit? my first memories of "liking" them so much were with my old friend Marantha. we were in high school, walking away from one of the school buildings back to the other. we were eating strawberries and i think she had made a comment about them, and i think from then on strawberries became my favorite fruit.

i never really cared about gardening until the blog site i'm on got into a trend of flowers and plants-loving. suddenly i made art of a girl who had a flowershop. suddenly i'm with my mom gardening and asking her about flowers. then bloomed my story about a girl who worked at a flowershop with her mom and the life she had with her family andfriends.

suddenly i liked floral prints. then fruit prints. i wanted my room to be themed after a flowershop. i didnt get far but then i wanted to theme it after a rustic tea shop. still never got there.

who am i supposed to be. i dont feel any better now that i've written this. i feel sad i can't even answer that question. i'm a fake person. i never ever feel real. i dont know what about me is really real. i dont know if this self doubt is even real.

im looking at everything i have in my room. none of its real. or genuine. none of it is really me. not the boots that make me feel edgy or cool. not the houseplants. not all the jewelry. not the boxes of tea. not really the art or the art supplies out for show. not my phone or the floral print clear cases. not the mason jar i drink water out of. not the books i dont even read.

none of that stuff is genuine. but if i were to throw it all away who would i be? how would i rebuild? could i even rebuild? with what skills?

when it comes down to it, i'm fake. outward and inward. there is nothing individual. sure nothing out there in the world is truly original, but even most people are individual. they know who they are. what they like and why. nobody ever even thought to let me grow into an individual with valid and unshamed likes and dislikes and feelings and dreams.

[tea-the-artist]

i write in such a performative way. hoping to be interesting enough or entertaining enough or real enough for people to notice and feel something. i don't know when it's ever been about me. idont know if my doubts are just clouds. but

you know your feelings about trauma are real. you are often sad and alone and feel hopeless. that's true. sometimes you're able to feel angry, as you should, because two people who were supposed to love you and protect you unconditionally with all their heart betrayed you at so young an age that recovery is almost unthinkable. those feelings you have are true.

i almost wish to be so alone so no one ever has to look at me and so i don't have to beg for it. that even if no one noticed i wouldn't feel so miserable. do i feel so miserable because no one noticed my reality as a child? if i'm crying as soon as i thought i think my feeling is true.

why do i want to get better? do i deserve it? Tea, do you deserve to get better? become happier? feel calmer? i know the logical answer. do i feel it emotionally too?

wanting to care about myself makes me feel so ashamed and out of place. my attempts seem only for everyone else to applaud but not for me to reap the benefits.

i'm so afraid of people seeing me, physically and emotionally, and knowing whatever my reality is. knowing i am uncomfortable with myself in all ways. i just don't want anyone to look at me.

i miss so much being hugged deeply. i can't even recall a time i was hugged and felt something.

last night i imagined myself in the new apartment, at my bedroom door with MG next to me. i was tearing up, shedding some tears quietly and he pulled me into a deep hug that made my self cry in and out of the imagining. he's not the type to really talk about emotions, not with me at least. we're all goofy and for the most part expressing feelings has been hard for us.

i just wish i could be hugged and could feel it. stop being alone. i want someone to see me and my emotions and all my ashamed tears and my hidden face and just embrace me and soothe my shaking and just be there for me and i want to actually believe that, realize that with all my heart.

[Three Roses]

 

It's all I can offer, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart!

[Wife#2]

Tea, we love the 'Tea' we know. Yes, we only know what you present here, but that's enough. She's enough to deserve love. It doesn't matter what you decide to do. Really, it doesn't. THAT is what unconditional love means! You can't earn it, you simply are and we simply recognize that you are loveable. So, we love you.

You don't have to perform for us. I understand that drive - I suffer from it, too. But, whether you are happy, angry, bored, boring, tired, joyous, creative or silly - I know at least I will read. I will read to find out how my friend Tea is doing - does she need a hug? Does she need silent support? Does she need someone to celebrate with her? I want to be that friend to share you life's story with. At least for this season in both of our lives. If longer, hurray! If I can be there for you until the cows come home, sleep off the meal and get milked, then hurray! Count on me being here!

Your real self is emerging and not sure how to do that. I'm not qualified to help, really. Besides, I think you're farther down that path than I am in some ways. The chrysalis from which you are emerging is safe, but confining. It may take a while for the wings to dry enough to support you in flight - but they will. They will. 

[tea-the-artist]

thank you both Three Roses and Wife#2!! i read these earlier this morning and was so unsure how to respond, but then a little later my friend Peach texted me this quote from a show we both like (to paraphrase, we are both princesses and must be our own prince! we also got to talking about inner children and reparenting) and needless to say, all the support has definitely lifted my spirits!

i felt really lost and confused and full of so much self doubt, a lot that i've got to clear up, but it's always a challenge emotionally knowing yall are all here, and i can't say enough how much i appreciate that. i appreciate that you check on me and care so much about how i'm doing. that i really matter.

i know i've got so much to do. i wrote myself a letter earlier some sort of aggressive health care. i told myself i wasn't yelling, but speaking in a place of concern, reminded myself that i have got friends here, other places online, and in real life of course that i can't forget about in tough times. i'll reread those angry-supporting myself texts i sent to peach to remember that passion. how mad i was for believing the lies my parents and brother had indirectly told me growing up. it's not my fault i believed and still believe them, but i won't rest until i properly debunk every lie. i'll be that character in the cartoons who talks to the protagonist almost aggressively persuading them to know and believe their worth, and that they'd stand up for them. those characters often move me to tears, especially the younger the protagonist is.

and i realized i've been thinking so hard and stringing together every bad time i've had, but not including the times i've bounced back. i know it's going to happen, but through habit i will be able to refer to the good times and the things i and my friends have told myself.

even.. if it really boils down to working harder to impress, surely something good has to come out of that? as long as i know someone cares about the progress i'm making, through habit maybe hopefully it will translate from me caring about another's perspective and feelings to caring about my own. i got so bogged down and i know i just wasn't thinking and seeing things clearly. this is a record of my progression, the baby steps. getting out of the entertainer habits is going to be hard i know it.

i'm sure my genuine self will come out, i'm sure i'll get out of the habit i picking up small tastes and personalities to fill my dish of my Self so to speak i guess. i know i have a lot of genuine feelings. i know what makes me genuinely laugh and what makes me cry, at the very least, those things i can't control so much. what makes me happy, truly happy, i'll figure that out i'm sure too.

[Wife#2]

   And I love the quote you're using on your posts! If you hear something often enough it can become your reality -so let me say again that I love you, Tea. The person I've got to know here is worth loving, such a beautiful soul. I do love you as a friend and value you as a person.