Sceal's Journal

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i used to run a group where the first 'assignment' i gave them (it was about food/eating/body issues) was to stand in front of a mirror and just say 'i accept myself'.  it was a tough one, and most people were not able to do it.  don't pressure yourself with this - do it as you can, and be open.  i think it's a great exercise, but can be very difficult.  still, i don't doubt that you'll find something to talk to your t about, even if it's nothing came to you.  that's still a topic to explore.  so, you can't do it wrong.

i give you a lot of credit for giving it a shot.  progress, my dear.

i hope your holidays go well, too, and i like blueberry's idea of med. chill.  be neutral - you don't have to rise to the bait.  'i'll think about it/that' has taken me a long way with people like that.    warm, loving hug to you.

[Sceal]

Thank you so much Blueberry, for the link and your thoughts. I had a quick read through it before I got picked up yesterday (Was it only yesterday....?)  I was picked up early by my dad. I figured I could walk the dogs, fix my dress, and such small things before Christmas dinner. Turned out my sister and her guy weren't coming due to the flu. So it was just me, my aunt and my parents.
I think it was before dinner was ready, and we were sitting in the sofa half watching TV and half chatting about. My mother started with her nitpicking and passive aggressiveness (which isn't so passive anymore if you ask me). And I kept thinking of you, Blueberry. and the link. I stared at the TV, although disinteressted in that and completely disengaged from the conversation. I kept telling myself "this is not my plate, this is not my plate, this is not my plate. Disengage!" It was really hard, because I was being provoked. My mood weren't great, I wasn't annoyed or frustrated I think. Just sour. I tried to hide it.

During dinner i stayed mostly quiet too. Waiting for her to have gotten a bit of drink in her. I know it sounds awful. But a glass of wine, or two and she becomes much happier. I want my M happy. I want everyone happy.

The rest of the evening went allright. It wasn't magical. It wasn't great. But it wasn't awful either. I've had alot worse christmases. We played some quiz-guessing games at the end of the evening. And somehow I ended up in bed at 03 in the morning. This never happens. Woke up around 07. but refused to get up. The bed was incredible comfortable and the duvey was heaven. So I snoozed til about 10.00. Dad and I went for a short walk with the dogs in the middle of nature, on a track I've never known about. It was beautiful!

I got home, and then it was dinner party with my aunt. Half the people invited didn't show up. She was a little dissapointed by that, I can totally understand. But it was nice and cosy. Better for me. Less people. After my dad left she and I had a bit more open and honest talk about the difficulties with work. Only slightly more open from my side than I have ever been around family before.
I now feel exhausted and raw. And scared. I hope she will keep our conversation between us, and not spill the beans to my parents.  Time will tell.  She said I need to be less touchy. Well not touchy, not to personalize everything so much. I think in a way she meant it in kindness. She doesn't have the whole story. She doesn't even have 10% of it. I think she didn't quite know what to say. Other than she wants to stay in better contact, and we have a date to spend together a full day in town come spring. That will be nice. One step closer to a better family relationship? We'll see.

San, darling. I hope that this excersise * the mirror will eventually make me feel less shame. But right now all I am feeling is revulsion, and when the emotion gets too strong I disconnect. Suddenly the mirror image isn't me. It's nothing to do with me. Emotionally I'm no longer present. Intelectually I am though. I know it's me. It's not impressive, it's the oposite.
I  wonder if getting more connected with me, and stop disconnecting myself, will make it so I'm better off?

[DecimalRocket]

Well, glad you didn't have that bad of a Christmas, seeing how worse your other experiences can be. It may just be a little progress with your family, but it's often the little things that last and add up over time.

Sometimes it's not loud parties or large gatherings that count as a break to people. Sometimes it's a nice quiet walk outside or a small group of people like your experience. I enjoyed spending most of my Christmas with a few people and the rest reading books in solitude too. It can be deeply healing.

Well, take care,  Sceal. 

[Sceal]

I too prefer to read and spend time in smaller companies, Rocket. Rather than big noisy parties.
I only attend those once in a blue moon. If I feel safe. and I haven't felt safe enough for that for over 2 years now. 2 1/2 I think it might be.

[Sceal]

I did good today.

And by that I mean.. I've done nothing. I slept in, I had some awful nightmares about blue demons and being chased and weird stuff. At one point I woke up got my phone and looked at pictures of kittens to calm myself back down and fall asleep with less horrors. It worked.  After I woke up I've done nothing, really. I put on the show Midwife (a british show about midwives in the 50ies) during breakfast and remained on the sofa for the rest of the day.
I had plans to both study and go for a walk. But I didn't do either. I did a laundry machine of bed linen. And then back to TV.
Enjoying the otherwise silence.

And you know what? So far today.. I haven't felt guilty about it. I don't feel bad that I haven't caught up on studies, or that I didn't go for a walk. I took a day of rest. I think I've needed it for a long time now.
I am a little restless now, but I think I'll go back and watch more episodes. Holiday is over tomorrow anyway.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal.  it sounds to me like you are getting in touch with yourself, even if it's not in front of a mirror.  i can't tell you how glad i am for you that you actually took a day of rest and didn't feel guilty.  that sounds like major progress in knowing yourself, knowing what's best for you, and knowing that it's ok to do what you want.  terrific.

if i may make a suggestion about the mirror thing, since what you're feeling is revulsion at seeing yourself whole.  what might happen if you stood to the side of the mirror and put just a hand in front of it - or even just a finger to start.  would that be something that you could look at, if not with acceptance yet, but with neutrality?    just a thought.  small steps count.  sometimes the big steps are just too overwhelming, especially in the beginning.

i think you're really doing well, sceal, that you're dealing with the holiday stuff in pretty fine form.  well done, you.  warm, loving hug to you. 

[Sceal]

Thank you San. I am in much better condition than I was a few weeks ago. Never the less to mention last year.

I don't have mirror aversion. I do look myself in the mirror in the morning and evening, but that's just the top bit. Face and shoulders and that, you know. And generally with clothes on. It's hard standing infront of the mirror in just my underwear. But I think I have such a huge ability and habit at avoidance, and I feel that my T hasn't been pushing me hard enough lately. I need to be pushed, I don't want to constantly be coddled with - although that's sometimes important too. But asking the hard questions, getting me to talk. I need that, because I'm completely unable to start it off on my own.

I don't feel connected though. If anything I feel more disconnected than I have been in the last year. I don't mean that in a nessecerily negative way. Because I'm fairly certain I've arrived at this point on my own, of my own doing. Because things got too difficult to deal with, or rather I didn't know how to. So I did what I do best, I avoid it. Avoidance is a huge part of my personality disorder. And avoidance is also a common symptom of PTSD as well. So double up!   

But thank you so very much for the suggestion!

[sanmagic7]

maybe you can give yourself a bit of a push, seeing as how you know that's what you need.  avoidance can be a two-edged sword, in my opinion.  it can protect us, but it can also keep us from moving ahead. 

your body, as with all of us, is only the means of holding our 'selves'.  how would you treat a child who, in your eyes, is not the most attractive?  we can treat our bodies the same way.  we can accept our bodies, just accept them, like we would any child, and know that they need love, too.

who knows what might happen with love?  that child may grow to be a kind, caring person, who then, in turn, becomes more attractive no matter what the outside looks like.  i think that being able to accept our bodies as is, then loving them so that we treat them like the growing, ever-changing being they are, could work miracles. 

it's like what happens with us in recovery.  the more love we allow, the more we are able to be who we are meant to be.  the opposite has been true when we haven't been shown love.  i know my body ain't what it used to be, but i used to hate it more when i was younger, when i picked out all the flaws and overlooked what a marvelous thing it really was.

now i'm older, my body's been ravaged by stress and illness, but i'm much more ok with it.  i can now look in the mirror and not feel revulsion.  i see it, i know what it looks like, and i accept that.  doesn't mean it might not change in the future, but for right now, it is what it is, and it's got good reason to be that way.  i don't want to hate it anymore for reacting to what it's been thru.

that's what i think when i hear docs tell me i'm overweight - i'd like to see what your body looks like at my age after having lived my life.  tell me something i don't know. 

i have quite a spirited dialogue in my head with these people.  it kind of makes me smile at times.

just some thoughts.  i've had body image issues for a long time.  and i'm really glad you're feeling better lately.  you've been doing some hard work - you deserve to feel better.   big hug, darling sceal.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey Sceal, hope you're doing alright these days. You seem to be doing better.

[Sceal]

I don't trust myself to push myself, San. I tend to push too much, or push in the wrong direction, or in too many directions at once. It's what I've done before.

I see your questioning and your logic, San. But those ways, of asking how I would view another doesn't work on me. I view all others above myself. And I cannot turn it around, at least not yet. Maybe one day. I hope so.
I wonder, is it possible to love something you've had such a strong aversion for as long as one can remember? I mean one doesn't start to love a cockroach just because you know that they are useful to the ecosystem. They are still disgusting and creepy and brings forth association with lack of hygene and disease.
I forgot to stand infront of the mirror the last two days, but I did today. Always hoping to see a change, knowing there wont be one.

My doctor sees past my body and she sees me, she knows I know the risk I carry. They know, it's the society I struggle with. They don't see the amount I eat and what I eat. How much or how little I excersise.

Thank you Rocket. For every good day, there seems to be more bad ones. Today is a bad one.
It went alright enough, I was drowsy and exhausted when I woke up. I told a friend last night what happened to me. Why I quit certain activities that I loved very much. He was astounded, but extremely supportive. I think the conversation might have weakened me. I did study, I went for a walk in the sun, I hoovered and I caught up with a friend. Yet I felt empty. Or well, the sunlight was a nice surprise. I haven't seen the sun in weeks.
Now, at the end of the day I was watching the BBC show "midwives". It's from the 50'ies in a poor district in London.
Parts of that world I wouldn't have survived in. I'd have been locked away in an inhuman asylum. But, the way they portray love... That kind I've never seen before. The kindness and respect they show each other. The gentle ways, knowing and acknowleding the pain the other carry. And there's no more words needed to be spoken.

It has made me feel lonely this dark evening. Yet, at the same time - I would have no idea how to recieve such love.
I need to give. I cannot take, I don't know how.

[sanmagic7]

i get it, dear sceal.  just suggestions/thoughts.  if they don't work for you, i totally get it.  i've had that happen to me, too, where people want to be helpful with stuff that's helped them, but it's like i'm not on the same wavelength or something.  doesn't work for me, doesn't work for you.  so, we keep looking for something that does work, or, sometimes it just happens when we're not looking for it.

yeah, these ups and downs can be draining.   i hope you find your footing again soon.  i am glad you had some sunlight to enjoy.  that's always good.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  right beside you, sceal.  warm, gentle  hug for you.

[DecimalRocket]

It's alright if it's a bad day. That's all right too.

I think it is possible to love something that one grew up hating. I don't know examples of people who grew to love themselves specifically over time, but I do know people in history who grew up as incredibly cruel people to others and becoming deeply loving to others over time if you search online.

But what I know, even cockroaches can be loved. Most do not, especially with the influences of our culture, but there are.

As someone with as many nerdy interests as me, I've seen all kinds of people who love strange things. Like bug scientists or hobbyist enthusiasts for studying insects. From ants, butterflies, to beetles and yes, even cockroaches.

I can picture them hunched over one with a magnifying glass with wonder over the wonderful functions of a crockroach. From their fascinating mosaic eyesight, to the amusement of their ability to live without a head. Their childlike joy over their rigid exsoskeletons and their fast little legs primed from their intelligent evolutionary origins.

That's love, a strange looking one, but pure love.

I believe beauty can be found in all kinds of things, Sceal. And all kinds of things can be loved. Even the most unexpected things.

Take care, Sceal. 

[Sceal]

Darling San, I really do apprechiate the suggestions. Hopefully one day there'll be a suggestion I haven't tried that works.
I will try my best, San.

Dear Rocket, thank you for such optimistic words. Alas I am not a scientist or a bug-lover. I do know they excist, and I do know that they have done incredible important disoveries throughout their passion and that they are able to see beauty where no one else can see it. For alas, for me to care for myself in honesty and with love, I need to be able to see it. Though it is a nice picture that you paint. and I hope you're right, that it can change.

----
Last night I had terrible, terrible nightmares. The likes I haven't had in months. I woke up several times during the night. And even during my waking hours they kept haunting me. I tried to distract my mind by looking at pictures of kittens to ease the fear and paranoia. Alas it didn't work. In the end I woke up, and I turned on all the lights I could and I watched some netflix. 3 hours later I decided to try the bed again. I got rest, but I didn't sleep. My arms were aching so much due to inflammation irritation after yesterday's workout. It wasn't until 11 in the afternoon I bothered to get back up again. I really didn't want to. not at all. I wanted to spend the day in bed. But I had made an appointment with M to meet her at the fabric store.

She bought me black fabric for a new dress. It's almost finished. The pattern didn't quite fit my figure, so she was going to make some adjustments to make it fit better. It lifted my spirits somewhat to do something practical again, and almost finishing it.
I didn't manage to study today though, and I'm stressed and worried about that. But I am trying not to be too harsh on myself.
I will spend the day studying and drawing tomorrow, hopefully with a walk outside. It snowed today, it was amazing. It was so beautiful and wonderful. And for a moment sitting in my old bedroom at my parents (my mom turned it into a sewing room) I could stare out at the beautiful silence of the falling snowflakes. It was peaceful for half a minute. 

I somehow did manage to turn this day into something better than what it was starting out to be. Hope is back.
I am weak and weary, my energy levels are low. So any work, therapy-wise and study wise is burning me out. But, I suppose that's what it does, doesn't it. I've worked through some of my values, and wishes for the future. the why and what, and doubts. It isn't finished. It has all the big things, now I need to start writing the little things.
The little things matter they too.

[sanmagic7]

really sorry about the nightmares, sweetie.  i've had those where they wouldn't stop and i had to go to the computer to distract my mind, for hours at times, before i could even attempt to go back to bed.  too many times, i've had results similar to yours.

don't know if this will pertain to you, but some of my worst nightmares ended up being the beginnings of breakthroughs for me.  it was like the prep was starting at a subconscious level until i was ready to see the reality whole and clear. 

at any rate, i hope that one way or another they stop,, and you can get some peaceful, restful sleep.  wishing you the best always, sending a warm, loving hug that's nightmare free.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Really sorry to hear you've had those horrible nightmares - I hope you get some peace from those tonight - and that you're doing ok.  Just wanted to give you a hug, if that's ok  and wish you the best for 2018. 
Hope