Sceal's Journal

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, Sceal, sorry for those nightmares too. Sometimes I wake up panicked and irritable for some reason too, and I guess I must have had a nightmare I couldn't remember. Not being able to sleep really makes for someone more exhausted and restless.

I hope you take care of yourself, Sceal. 

[Sceal]

San, the feeling of haunting nightmares even after you've woken properly up is really bothersome.  I hope you're right, I will try and make a note of it, if I have more clusters of nightmares the coming weeks and see if a breakthrough of one or another comes up soon. Though I have my BIG letter to my T that I'm about to give her in advance of the session next week. I might write it a bit longer, to get it all out there.  It'll be a breakthrough all on it's own if I manage to make her listen to my request, and make her understand.

Dear Hope, thank you so much for the hug! It was very welcome. I wish you too the best for 2018! Hope you have a lovely celebration.

Rocket, I usually remember all my dreams. Last night I dreamt for instance I was in US at a hotel and was arguing with the hotel manager because the rooms weren't what I paid for, and then I later found out that he was a Russian spy, and I had to track him down. The tracking him down was quite elaborate which somehow made me end up in a polar bear excursion on the North Pole with sledges.  I've had all sorts of insomnia I think. And I do know for sure the value of quality sleep. If I don't get good enough sleep I very quickly deteriorate, and it makes it all the harder to fight the fight to get better!
----

So, it's finally here. New years eve. I've been wondering for the last two days (at least) where I was last year at new years eve. It came to me suddenly earlier. It's no wonder I don't remember much of it, I was at the psych ward. Very paranoid, sleep deprived and deeply depressed.
The year before I remember all too well. And I wish I didn't. I really wish I didn't. I got flashbacks from it, and they fill me so deep with shame.

This year I spend the morning removing the christmas decoration, studying a bit before visiting a friend, and then my mother and then for a dinner with another friend I've known since 2004, from a forum much like this one. But now I'm back home. And I'm alone.
I find I don't quite know what to do with myself. Outside the fireworks are blowing up right, left and center. I thought of watching a disney movie, but I can't decide of which one.

I wonder what 2018 will bring. The new years of 2015-16 was awful, and so was the year of 2016. 2016-17 was filled with mental illness, and so did 2017. This new years I find myself alone... Does that then signal that 2018 will be a lonely year?  If I'm to take the knowledge I have from what will happen the next few months, then the answer is yes.  I am lonely most of the time, but I find it too hard to open up and share, to dare to be vulnerable. Well, daring isn't always the problem. It's more not knowing what to say, and not wanting to be a bother, a burden. Be someone they have to step on eggshells around. Perhaps I just don't really know what it means to have true and goodnatured support from friends.
I've been working on what I want out of life from hereon and out. I'm not done with it. I am trying to make it as detailed as possible, so that it'll be easier to build and work towards it.
Though I do find that I have trouble choosing where to start. And it's so important that I start in very small dosages so I don't burn out. The small steps I am thinking of are:
- Drinking 1.5l water everyday
- Walking minimum 5000 steps a day, and reach 12000 steps 4-6 times a month
- Meatless Mondays and Soup Wednesdays
They are steps that are small enough to make, and are easy enough to start anew each day if I fail. But I cannot choose them all at once, and I don't know which one I deem the most important, and require the least amount of energy.
But I have yet to complete and finish up my values, wants and goals. Maybe something else will occur by the time I've finished.
Some of them are therapy-directed or required, but I doubt I'll get a chance, as therapy is ending mid-march unless my T actually listens to my needs.

I don't really feel anything right now. Restless perhaps, and a little chilly. I'm not tired, so there's no point in going to bed.

Midnight strikes in 1hour and 35 minutes for me. So, I just want to wish everyone a very happy and merry New Years Eve!

[DecimalRocket]

Interesting how the new year makes us all reflect on our past and the coming year like that. That's the purpose of yearly holidays such as this, to allow us to remember something.

Much of us have been scared of what's to come, including me. I don't know with you, but to me, I don't want to assume what would happen. To deeply hope whether things will turn out good, or to leap to the conclusions of a terrible year. I want to see the possibilites of what would happen like a scientist, "Assume nothing," and only then will I  take a look into what actually happens to adapt, rather than adapt only to what I think would happen.

Doesn't stop me from worrying though.

It's nice to start with little habits like this though, Sceal. It's little things like this that all add up to something bigger. Maybe we can't predict what would happen the next year, but we can at least get a sense of what would happen each little step step of the way. We can tell when little habits work out or not, and we can figure each out one by one.

From what I've seen, not even some high status statiscian or Systems thinker can predict perfectly what would happen to the world, as much as the wisest person can't predict their whole lives. It's a blank canvas, with the potential to be both good or bad.

I wish you the best that even if you don't paint a life that looks ideal, then at least I hope you make one that has some growth to it.

That counts too.

[Sceal]

I think it is a good thing to spend December and January to reflect on how the year has passed, and how one want the next year or phase of ones life to take hold. And see what one can actually do to reach our goals.
It's a hard job though, it takes time. But I think it's an important one.  And maybe even revisiting it a few times over the year, so it's not just forgotten.

I don't like to assume either. I try to work with the facts that I have available. There are options in my fast approaching future that is possible, but since they aren't yet facts or aren't yet clear things happening I can't put them into my "account of what's to come and prepare for it". When big change happens I need time to prepare. And big change is going to happen within short amount of time. change that I am not looking forward to.

I think we all worry, sometimes too much. I know I do. I like to use the excuse that it gives me ways to explore a problem in various ways to find various acceptable outcomes. I'm not so sure it's a valid excuse though - I think it might just be habit.

I think I've started with meatless monday and soup wednesday. They require the least amount of effort. The water and the walking requires more effort from me, and I'll slowly increase them - but not have them as my main goals for now. At least, that's how it is this week.

I don't even know what an ideal life would look like. But thank you so much for the well wishes. I do hope for growth, I always do.

[Sceal]

I realised today that I have my exam coming up very quickly. And eventhough I got alot of studying done today, I feel I've wasted a whole month of reading slowly and chapters I didn't need to focus that much on. There's so much room to cover and I have huge doubts.

Then I also realised that I have another deadline coming up even faster. And that is to create two more illustrations for the gallery show. I started on the first of the two remaining today. I had a brilliant idea (or so I thought) and it turns out I'm not able to make it work. And now I've no idea what to do. And for the second of the two... I've no idea what to do.
I've been slouching.
I am not proud of myself. I'm quite annoyed with myself.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i truly hope all those deadlines get met more easily than you could possibly anticipate, and that the effort needed goes smoothly - at least after right now.  wishing you well on your exam.

i'm also doing a life change re: food this year - i have 5 separate times of the year when i will allow myself sweets.  i need to get back to where i was with this.  sugar has been a crutch thru some emotional times, and i want that out.  it's hurting me now, and i don't want it to get worse.

i'm glad for you that you could prioritize according to energy levels for yourself.  i think that's great.  keep up the good work.

absolutely hoping that your t listens to you, and you get added therapy as needed.  cutting people off like that is awful.  with you all the way on that one.  sending a big hug full of warmth, hope, and love.

[Sceal]

San, I did make progress on the illustration a few hours after I ranted in my journal. Perhaps your thoughts of cheering me on was also a part of it (even if I didn't know it at the time). I'll admit, I was kind of pleased with myself for pushing through the failure. I am not far from finished with it, yet I hesitate, I don't want to fail and re-do it one more time. And I also have no clue which last fairytale to use to represent some psychological struggle or illness.

I don't know what to do about studies. I am reading as fast as I can, but I am unable to read in debth at the moment. I don't have time for that if I am to cover alot of ground. I worry.

I read an article yesterday about a girl loosing alot of weight. She allowed her self sweets on special occations (birthdays and holidays and such) and one day a week where she allowd to eat a little more, or something more tasty. She also did a * of a lot of working out though. Cudos to her! Some say it can be super tasty and refreshing to eat healthy non-processed food. And that you should enjoy your meals.  I can imagine it being refreshing, in the sense that there's little to no bloating, and less energy-stealing after such a meal.  But tasty? Except for Christmas Eve dinner, it's been a very long time since I ate something and thought "OMG, this is amazing!" And then, when I tell someone I struggle with enjoying food and knowing what to eat and how much. They like to tell me 2/4 veggies 1/4 meat and 1/4 carbs. But what if you have soup? or pizza? or stew? How do you divide it then!? Then they just shrug. Or say "you're not supposed to enjoy food".  Sigh! It's confusing and disorianting.

I hope you'll reach your goal, San. it's a hard thing to cut out the sweets. Gives you so much cravings!

I don't remember yesterday. Did I go to the store? Did I leave the appartment? I know I gave up on sleep around 01 to draw. And went back around 02 to sleep, but failed miserable. I've slept about 0.5-1hr. I don't function very well on lack of sleep. My back was in pain. The kind of pain that you can't ignore even if it isn't very intense. If It had been my arm, shoulder, legs or anything that I could reach I would have used some painkiller cream. The painkillers didn't work. Now I feel... like my limbs are vibrating. Like they don't have enough blood pumping through them. And I got group again today, with the new lady. It sucks.

I am going to deliver the letter to my T today. Or rather, I am going to deliver it to the secertary. Hopefully she'll read it before the session next week.

[Sceal]

Right now I am excited!
I feel clear headed, and it's not very often that I feel clear headed. But I am enjoying the sensation.

I've been to the DBT group today and after I went to the SA center. I just want to talk about the SA center first. Because it's freshest in my mind. I really like my contact there, she can be quite direct and I'll admit I like it. I like that when I know that the intention is good.
She said she thinks I can work more than 20%, because I'm so resourcefull. She said that she thinks that I one day can work 100%. And she challenged me today as to why I think I can't. She suggests that I talk myself down a bit too much, I told her that's not how I've seen it. But more that I tend to push myself for too long with too high expectations and then I remain burnt out for a long period. And that I am now trying to find a balance.

I told her that I want to talk about the traumas, the bad stuff. That I know that by opening pandora's box things will become increasingly and unimaginable difficult. But I think it must be better than just focusing on the symptom treatment. That wont make me better. I've tried that. She thinks I would benefit from very intense therapy where I delve down into all of this, and get things sorted and come out on the other end stronger. I am so happy to hear her say that, because that's what I want too. (Not that she can give me that. But I am happy that someone understands what I'm trying to say).  And then I don't remember how we got into it, but we started talking about diagnoses. And I said which ones I've had up throughout the years.And which I have now. I mentioned hearing voices. Which she got really interessted in because she's taking a master or extra education in dissociation. So we talked about that. And she explained the differences between ANP and ENP (I think it was called). And talked about that maybe ENP's come more in the foreground during the times that I loose.

And I realised on my way out of there that... Maybe it's because of the ENP's that I am unable to emotionally connect when I talk about things, or why I avoid talking about subjects that are emotionally provoking. Because I know that during my teenage years I was forbidden to show any vulnerability. I know that's how I survived. Though I think it was me who decided that emotions was forbidden in me, not other people telling me to. It's just an untestable hypothesis.
And it gave me an image...

I realised. I'm a chameleon!
I change according to the environment I am in. I do my best to fit in, to be liked, approved to such an degree that me, myself and I don't have a place.

This is a very exciting thought! Because it might help me work on my values and my boundaries. It might help me question them, and find ways that are mine and not influenced strongly by others.


Side-note about group. It was difficult not having my steady and warm group leader. I was anxious, my foot was running away from me, my muscles tensed all up. And at one point I had to leave the room. Because the lump in my belly was starting to give me physical pain. I didn't know how to excuse myself, so I just left. When I came out from the toilet the new group leader was standing there. She just wanted to make sure I was okay, but it was too much for me. I told her that I didn't know her, and I am sure it was pretty obvious she'd come too close as I had every intent to lock myself back into the toilet after I'd turned the light off... And I figured that'd be weird and I couldn't. So I was stuck. But she told me she understood and she asked if I'd join her back with the group if she walked ahead of me. I said yes. And right before we re-entered the group room she told me I'd been brave.
I didn't feel brave. But, she seemed less dangerous.
I don't even know why she represented such danger to me.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i'm so excited for you.  what marvelous accomplishments.  and sounds like some wonderful people in your life to help you find your way.  that is so cool.

finding that balance has been, for me, some of the hardest parts of all this.  i totally get the push too hard then crash and can't get back up for too long syndrome.  it sounds like she gave you a different perspective, one that you may be able to accommodate for yourself in your own way. 

and i like the way your new group leader dealt with what was going on.  she sounds very caring to me, very concerned with your well-being above all.  i liked that she gave you a different perspective as well about returning to the group. 

and, congrats to you on getting on with your illustrations.  that sounds interesting - fairy tales representing psychological issues?  sounds like a pretty neat concept.

dang, you're doing so good.  look at you, just moving right along.  you go!   warm, loving hug to you.

[DecimalRocket]

That's amazing, Sceal. 

It reminds me of paradigms — something I've learned by obsessively studying problem solving. It describes a certain point of view of a subject — that's so essential to its nature that some people don't even recognize they hold it. Like fish not knowing they're in water — because after all, do they comprehend what it's like not to be in water?

You've changed your paradigm of how to emotionally heal. That this time you heal by recognizing your own wants and needs — that you're a chameleon. Sometimes people figure things out by changing the big picture goal — the paradigm — not by changing the details, steps or repeating what was done. To question our own assumptions until we can find the root of it all.

You're doing well, and there seems to be a lot of other people around to support you. I understand how incredibly difficult to open up to someone new — it took me years to open up to anyone about my problems at all — but the thing about new people is that they can have new perspectives others in your circle don't.

So take your time to figure this new paradigm out.

Take care, Sceal. 

[Sceal]

I hope I am, San, doing well. I don't know what it feels like.  Fragile I suppose. I keep waiting for the bad days to come back.
This morning was a bad day. But I managed to turn it around to a better day. Not good, but better.

Rocket, I do enjoy problem solving. As long as it's not riddles, or numbers and things that's measuring my intellect. Those makes me stressed and ashamed. But I like finding out sollutions. I suspect it's part of the creative in me.

I'm not sure if I've changed yet, I think I am more in the process of changing. Time will tell.
I do not have alot of people around me that I can talk to. The ones I got are professionals. My GP occationally. I only see her every few months. The SA-Center lady which is also sporadically, although more often than my GP. And my Psychologist, who I'm scared is going to leave me now. I have one friend I discuss psychological matters with, but not emotional stuff with.
My ex, the guy I live with, would be here for me if I asked him. But I feel it's not fair on him. So I haven't told him, about what happened recently. For all he knows all the stuff happened 12 years ago and earlier, the little I told him. It broke his heart, so I didn't talk about it later on. And he never asked again.  But it makes me incredible grateful for the professionals that I do got.

I agree with the SA-center lady though, I know how to talk to professionals. I know how to answer their questions, because I know their language. I've worked in healthcare, I've written in hundreds, maybe thousands of patient journals. Read thousands of referrals and external hospital letters and such. It is a different language, it's cold and unpersonal. It has to be, because it's meant to be objective. A patients journal is a legal document. You can't write how much you fear, pity, worry, care about the patient in the journal. 
I get passive though, when I'm in the chair at my T's office. I get submissive. I admire her, and her profession so greatly. Geing a doctor was my childhood dream, as I got older i wanted to be a psychologist. Neither dream is possible, so I look up to them. I do. And it is hard for me to be critical, to ask hard questions, to oppose them... Or to ask them to prolongue my treatment. It's taken me a long time to realise this.  I think it's that, mixed up with possible EP's.

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, Sceal. Lots of us don't want to burden the people we care about. I don't know what to do about that either, but I'm glad you have some professionals around to help at least.

I have the opposite problem with my therapists. I get too skeptical, ask too many opposing questions and get pessimistic about them. Maybe we can learn from each other and find a way to balance towards the other extreme.

Just throwing some suggestions here but — I guess the only way you can trust your own insights and ideas is that you try them little by little and see if it works out for yourself. If it works, it works, no matter what others say.

Second, all perspectives in a problem need to communicate. Professionals don't know everything. What if chefs didn't ask their customers if their food is actually delicious? What if filmmakers didn't ask how the audience if they enjoyed their movie? What if teachers don't ask their students if they're actually learning something?

Same with your therapists, Sceal.

Well, best of luck then with whatever action you choose. . 

[Sceal]

Thank you Rocket. That was well said.
I tend to forget that they too need feedback! Even when she asks for it, I tend to say that "it's fine". Because I don't know what else to say.  And I need to remember that it's not a personal attack if I disagree with her. It's a professional one.

[Blueberry]

Seems you're making great strides forward atm Sceal! 

[Sceal]

Thank you Blueberry, I hope it's true.  And that a step backwards is far in the future.