Berceuse's journal

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, I hope you take care of yourself, Ber.

It sounds like you could really use the rest.

[berceuse]

I used to have a similar fear about touching people, like taking someone's hand or helping somebody up or drying a toddler's feet, that I was going to hurt this person physically, immensely, just through my touch.

It is terrible how sb can make us feel this way. I am glad that you saw the reason behind it.

I have also trouble touching people but it is not because of physical abuse. I have never been physically abused but I have hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) in my hands so occasionally I see people get disgusted by my touch (when I have to shake hands, etc.). It is one of the reasons I avoid physical contact or anything that require using my hands in public as far as I can.

"It is because I have a fear that I am going to hurt somebody so bad when I speak. I will say the wrong thing and they will break into pieces."

That usually happens when I am talking with my mother. Her reactions are usually out of proportion. So, I might be conditioned to be extra careful to avoid any danger (rage or immense sadness and crying for which she usually blames me or extra drama "I wish I was dead so you would be free of me" kind of reactions). That's why I am always having inner monologues (trying to guess anybody's reaction before saying sth and then adjust my behavior accordingly). Of course, those scenarios never come true.

It might also be victim-perpetrator confusion because my mother has the ability to hurt sb terribly with words. I don't remember actually making anybody cry or kill themselves by simply talking to them except my mother. However, she can do that. She told me she never wanted me in front of my friends many times. Of course, like a joke. I am just too sensitive. Or she told me that I am a pig since my childhood when I was unable to move because of an intense flashback. She usually thinks that I am doing everything deliberately to hurt her. Or she plays the loving, compassionate mother (when she needs the supply) and uses what I have said against me to hurt me. Of course, she never admits doing anything wrong. I just remember wrong or she ends up crying and wanting to kill herself because I told her she is a bad mother (I never did) and I end up apologizing to her. The next day, we move on like nothing happened. Of course, it happened again and again. Gaslighting must have worked really well because I don't remember anything except a few incidents. So, it is easy to tell myself that I tell lies. But, I don't. I am actually internally * up because of her way of raising me. My whole internal system is based on fear and doubt. I have no self-esteem and respect and when I try, I blame myself for investing in sb that is worthless. This system is doomed to fail and I have to learn how to treat an innocent, vulnerable human being from the beginning. I need to replace fear and doubt with love and trust. Not because it sounds romantic or like sth in self-help books (because helping or loving myself is bad God forbid), simply because that internal system won't get me anywhere, it will collapse.

[berceuse]

Why everybody else's emotions are more important than mine? Why I need approval for every thing I do, I feel, I think? Don't say this, don't feel this, people won't like you. They will abandon you for who you are.  You need to be "everything is OK person," "I don't have any problems of my own and I am always ready to listen to you and take care of your problems," "I have no right to make you sad with my own problems," "I feel dead inside but it's OK. Who wants to hear that I feel depressed, right? Noone." This is unfair. I don't want to be dead anymore.

[Blueberry]

Why everybody else's emotions are more important than mine?

They aren't!!! Not on here. And not even IRL.
I know your question well though. Because in my FOO, it's the same thing.

"I feel dead inside but it's OK. Who wants to hear that I feel depressed, right? Noone."

We do want to hear! It's good that you have taken the step to reach out when you are feeling so depressed. 

[DecimalRocket]

I agree with Blueberry. You're important, and you're not a burden. We do care, and we'll continue showing that to you.

[berceuse]

Thank you Blueberry and DecimalRocket,
I really appreciate it.

I think I need a break from OOTS. Right now, any kind of relationship is too triggering for me. I know isolation and avoidance is not the cure for that. However, it sends me into freeze mode quite often and it is exhausting, both mentally and physically.

See you later

[Blueberry]

See you later. Take care! 

[DecimalRocket]

See you. 

[sanmagic7]

berceuse, i totally get having to take a break from here.  i've just come off my longest yet, but i do believe it was exactly what i needed.  i feel clearer, freer.  it was a time for developing a new perspective for myself.

as far as why and no one wants to listen to your problems - that may pertain to others, but not to us.  a load shared is a lighter load, isn't it?   take your time - we're waiting for you, your own time and space is what's important.  loving hug to you that accepts all the different parts of you for as long as they last. 

[berceuse]

Thank you all.

I need and want this forum to be a part of my healing. It is indeed a part of my healing. I still don't have a proper explanation about what is making it is so hard to continue writing here. ICr and OCr attacks play a big part. Maybe, they got stronger because I see and fight them or the more I observe myself, the more I started to see the toxicity. I don't know. So, for now, I will ignore the "you are not enough" voice otherwise I can't write. Unfortunately, I still identify myself with those voices and it is a part of my reality. I believe and react to what they say or project onto me.  I think I am starting to memorize the pattern there. It certainly ends with I don't deserve to exist and forms of suicidal fantasies and of course the neurological response accompanying it which makes it paralyzing and very real. Luckily, it is the worst it can get.

Recently, I am reading more about trauma and its effects on the nervous system. It makes things more clear and I decided to try more body-focused approaches to healing trauma rather than forms of psychotherapy. I am trying trauma realizing exercises and qigong from youtube and I think it is helping with anxiety and I think it can give me some sense of control over my body and mind and I will start a qigong class Saturday. This is one big step for me 

It is unbelievable that it took more than an hour to write this. The worst part of this * is it takes ages to transform my thoughts into meaningful sentences and when I do I am unable to spell words and rewrite them two or three times.  * * * !!!!!

[berceuse]

I want to say that I read your replies on the old server and I can't tell you how much I appreciate them.

I think this is the first time in the forum (maybe after a long time) that I don't have any humiliating voice in my head. The voice usually disguises as sb else. So, in this case, I imagine you (the forum members) judging me as (insert any negative adjective) in almost every word I write.  Is this outer critic?  I think so because although I am criticizing myself I also refer to you as judgmental. That part of me who is stuck in trauma thinks that the world is mean and expects danger (invalidation in my case) around every corner and overthinks to compensate it. This is also catastrophization and micromanagement because I try to control your reactions by changing my behavior.

Anyway, just writing is great. 

Regarding the bilingualism and trouble finding the words to describe sth I agree with Blueberry that it is a form of EF. I really don't know what triggered me so hard.

The qigong class was nice. It is two times a month and I think I am also looking for an excuse to go out because two times a month does not feel enough.

My mother is back. Before she comes, I had a relatively long talk with my sister. I probably never mentioned in my journal that I have two sisters. M was living with my elder sister to take care of my nephew. They all know that M is not easy to get on with (to say the least). It just took me quite a lot of time to understand that it was not me because I grew up in quite a different environment than they did. When my F died, I was six and my sisters were already in university. So, I grew up with M and grandmother (whom I think was an overt narc). Plus isolation. It was easy for me to get brainwashed and think that I am the reason. Of course, the gaslighting ("It did not happen that way. You don't remember it correctly. You need to see a therapist. You are not well...) added to it.

Anyway, I feel too tired to go on writing. I just wanted to write that I started to reflect upon NC. I am actually fantasizing about it since probably middle school. I have had failed attempts (though not exactly NC). So, I will not act on impulse this time. The first step is saving up money. I can do that. I will start with it.

[Three Roses]

  So nice to hear from you again!

[sanmagic7]

glad you're back, berceuse.

sounds like you're moving right along.  those classes sound like a good fit for you, moving that energy around in a pos. way.  very nice.

i don't know what kind of critic it might be giving you those neg. messages.  i think, as far as this forum goes, (and i've worried about being judged, too, by people here) the proof is in the pudding.  i've only gotten kind, generous, supportive responses here, and those are basically what i see for others around the forum as well.  that's my evidence that i needn't worry cuz it hasn't happened since i've shown up here.

good to hear your voice again.  sending a hug of welcome back and lots of care.

[berceuse]

Thank you Threeroses

Thank you Sanmagic. I never get a judgemental reply either. As far as I observe my thoughts, I see that I have also judgemental, critical thoughts towards others from complete strangers to my friends. I had not realized it before and it wasn't very comfortable to realize it.

This is how I behave towards myself and probably towards others (though I don't remember seeing the thought in action, I probably did) and also what I expect from others which fuels my anxiety and of course hinders any authentic relationship both with myself and others.

What is the solution then? I can see that self-compassion and self-acceptance will break this cycle but I find it really hard to love myself. It is not a nice confession but this is the truth. Why do I find it hard to love myself? I think I am seeking some kind of perfection. I have too much "ideal me does that" fantasies and I usually associate them with feelings like love, joy and satisfaction. I am not even sure I feel those feelings in real life. Okay. Perfection is also a symptom not the cause. Why do I need to be perfect to love myself or to be lovable?  I have no idea. I think Pete Walker had an explanation for perfectionism. I don't remember now. Besides, I don't think that I am a perfectionist. Am I? I have perfectionist fantasies but I am not a one in real life. Oh, this gets really confusing.

[berceuse]

I just need to get this out of my chest. I am feeling very very very angry right now. I am not in an appropriate place to express that anger. I am trying to do some work in a cafe and can't even properly read what I am supposed to read. It is not easy when you keep fantasizing smashing tables and destructing everything around you like a tornado. So, I am trying to write it down because I don't want to dissociate. Why am I feeling so angry? I guess I woke up in a flashback and found a seemingly enough reason to project that anger. The * infuriating feeling of being used.