Sceal's Journal

[Sceal]

A hug is most welcome! When I read it the first time today I was on the verge of crying, I needed it so bad. 

I usually don't dissociate like this. Occasionally, but not usually. Usually it's just time lost. I can't describe it beyond that.
I am glad you managed to avoid the after-shame in your episode as you described.
Though it might be in the brain, it doesn't mean it can't be taught. At least according to my recent study and my T. But I suppose it depends on the expectations one set.
Fully healed? Maybe not. But improvement? Hopefully so as long as one still has hope, right?

I do the breathing when I am anxious. We call it the ski-elevator. The trip up the mountain is the short breath in. And the swinging slope back down is the breath out. And that way you can use your fingers to trace your breathing. But it is the same concept. 
You can also do it opposite. If you find you need to activate your self. Shorter outbreath and longer breathing in. It stimulates the nervous system. And helpful if you are fawning or freezing.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Sceal. Learning to breathe well is like training any muscle in the gym - the more you do it, the stronger it becomes.   

Sorry, can't say much. I have a lot on my plate these days.

[Sceal]

 

-----

I have often wondered how people who has gone through the same, or similar or worse things than I, are able to study or able to go back to work full time. I've wondered where do they get the strength from? And how, how can I do the same?
I've been happy for them, but also envious. Not envious because I felt they didn't deserve it, but envious because I hadn't figured out the same secret as them.
Today I wonder, is it partly because I've worked in healthcare and have to give so much of me on a daily basis - and I simply don't have more to give because there's nothing left of me?
But then, what about all of them who has gone through the same, and do work in health care?

I question how to move forward. I question what is good for me. I question if I should aim towards what I've always wanted, or if I need to accept that's never going to happen. That they stole it from me too, and now I have to find a utterly different path? And will that make me happy? Or will it come retirement age make me bitter and resentful?

I don't know! I wish I had someone who could help me figure this out, to ask objectively. Who took his or her time to let me figure it out, and once I had keep reminding me of what I've decided once I start flailing like I am now. this time last year I was so determined to continue on this path. This year, I'm so exhausted. There's no willpower left.

[Sceal]

I had my first lecture of the season today.
Getting there was difficult. The panic anxiety showed it's ugly disgusting head. But I weathered the storm. And that without anxiety meds or calling my T. (Although I worry my T is angry with me... So I don't actually dare call).

As I sat in the auditorium I was reminded why I do this. Because it is so incredibly interesting! It feels exciting and it gives me new perspectives and knowledge. And it's something I value highly.

Then they told how this course is going to be.  Group work (yes!) Several and often presentations ( oh *:+@&$ no!!) And last but not least.. a 2hr presentation in front of college kids right before their "spring break". To share with them our knowledge about Stress in critical situations. (Holy *! )

The last bit scares me. And excites me. It's challenging beyond my skills and comfort. But, it's important. I will have the chance of being apart of something important. Something worthwhile.

If. And only if... I can manage the workload. Which I highly suspect... I won't.

[DecimalRocket]

I've also wondered about how people in terrible situations such as being sickly or in trauma grow up to do something great. I've read a number of biographies, and now that I think about it, a lot of the famous people I've read about grew up sickly. Some of their physical illnesses are even taken advantage in some way -- like a person who was blind was able to theorize something on a new theory of a gene (Genotypes and phenotypes) because about every other scientist at the time was only focusing on the visual parts of genetics seen physically. That, or like the writer of Dracula, who weaved themes of everlasting sleep and rise from the dead inspired by much of his life spent bedridden.

I'm not sure, but while there are certain classic themes you can google online for this that say things like "Hard work" or "Believe in yourself." But I'd theorize it has less to do with general themes like this, but the unique expressions of these themes people find for themselves. I'd name it avoiding "Idea stereotypes" like avoiding stereotypes in gender, race or nationality. Like Brene Brown did with redefining concepts like authenticity, creativity, happiness and so on, right? When people imagine leadership for example, they think charismatic and bold, not reflective and cautious. That, or how I saw the stereotype of compassion as Mother Theresa types, rather than also including logical people who maintain some distance towards others that allow them to judge others' situation with more clarity.

From what I've seen, idea innovation is often when people expand an idea's definition to encompass a larger amount of people suited to their own strengths rather than going against it. To think of what are usually called weaknesses as strengths, and strengths as weaknesses. In other words, maybe the answer isn't finding what works in other's lives, but in yours.

I'm glad you've joined the lecture and felt important for once. And to feel both afraid and excited at the same time. That shows that you're willing to work your butt of to learn, not just because everyone else says so, but because you're truly interested. I admire that. I envy having more of that feeling these days . . . But I also understand how terrible it is to feel like you can't possibly manage everything, and it's alright to feel that.

Well, best of luck Sceal. I'm cheering you on. 

Well, best of luck Sceal. I'm cheering you on.

[Sceal]

  Rocket


I am exhausted. I just want to lie down in someone's safe embrace and cry til I fall asleep. And then just sleep, without any dreams or nightmares. just.. turn off the button.

[Blueberry]

   to you Sceal. May I suggest the Healing Porch?

[Sceal]

Thanks, Blueberry. maybe I will

[DecimalRocket]

Hey Sceal. Just want to give you a good ol' hug now. 

[Sceal]

  to you Rocket.

[sanmagic7]

dearest sceal, it sounds like you're on the precipice of something very special.  of course that would be both scary and exciting, but i'll tell you what - the growth you've shown over the past few months makes me believe that, altho this might be challenging, you will rise to it.  i think you're ready.

the idea of passing your wisdom and experience to others thirsting for such knowledge , well, it sounds wonderful to me. 

as far as how have other people done what they've done through their own trauma and pain?  just another example of everyone being different, having different levels of tolerance, etc.  none are better or worse.  being a therapist, i totally get the idea of being exhausted by such work, the constant giving, researching, grasping for new ways to reach people so that they can finally reach themselves.   it's not for everyone, that's for sure. 

still, i know that you will find your way through your heart, the source of love, even if it takes a bit of time.  one foot in front of the other, you'll get there.  warm, loving hug to you.

[Three Roses]

 

[Sceal]

Thank you wonderful people!  Warm hugs and a big mug of hot chocolate with cream (dairy free if need be) for anyone who wants!

---
Last week was... Long. Both in a bad way, but also in a good way.  I suspect this post will be long, because I have alot to talk about.

It started the week before really. As some might remember, I had written a letter to my T in regards to my fears, concerns and needs towards future therapy. She hadn't read it at the appointment, which dissapointed me a little. She told me she hadn't been aware there had been a letter for her, she was just back from the holiday. The appointment we talked about being present instead. I had some insights there that I didn't want, and it left me feeling immensely guilty for the next few days. Guilty towards myself and towards my T. That I'd been sabotaging my recovery without knowing it, and continued to so after I realised. It was a large camel to swallow. But I'm glad I've become aware of it. A day or two after I went to the SA center and talked to the lady there. We talked about rest, my fear for the future, my fear of not working hard enough, not accomplishing enough etc etc etc. She asked me if I had any days where I didn't intend to study. I said I don't study on Wednesdays, because that's group day. Unless I feel inspired to read. She thought I needed more time off than just half a day. Therapy is work too. Two days of therapy a week, and then the study the rest of the week. She said I need a day completely off. To do whatever it is that I want to do.  What a strange concept! I mostly do things to impress others, or live up to their (my) expectations, to show that I'm worth it, etc. I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about. 

So that's really when it started. The thought of not doing anything I HAD to for a whole day a week. And I did, I hung out with a friend, and ended up playing videogames when I got back home. Did nothing of productivity what so ever. Then I opened my week-planner for the coming week (which was last week), and I cringed. Group, Therapy, SA-center, university lecture, university study group (with strangers!), Sewing-day with mom, Cinema and dinner with dad. A friend coming over to my place for dinner. Deadline for the gallery show, and not to mention the fact I had to study. And this was Monday through Friday. I was exhausted before the week started. This week was also the 5 year "anniversary" of a terrorist attack that affected my family very closely. So I had that on my mind too.

Monday: I decided to skip studying, and went to visit a friend and her husband who's on paternity and maternity leave. I stayed for a few hours ( and at the back of my mind I reminded myself that: this was not the smartest way of starting the week.. by stimulating myself even more). We ended up playing videogames after the kids had gone to bed.

Tuesday: VERY productive study day. I was quite proud of that. But it also meant I had used up all my energy and mental energy before my friend showed up for dinner. She stayed past my bedtime, and I didn't know how to throw her out earlier.

Wednesday: Therapy Group. Sewing session with mom ( I finished a new dress, I'm quite happy with that). And I was supposed to go to the movies with dad, but I asked him if we could postpone it. And he said yes (which I am incredible grateful for). I stayed for dinner before I went home to work on the last piece for the gallery show, I hadn't even started and the deadline was Thursday. As well as I had an early morning with therapy at 0815. I was stressed when I got home. Frustrated. I couldn't focus. My arm was aching and burning up. I couldn't find the right reference photos and as time went by I felt the pressure raise. And then suddenly, I cracked the code. I figured out the perspectives, which is my biggest pain. And I drew it. It wasn't good. It wasn't placed well on the paper, but I had done it. Then I double checked the e-mail from the gallery and it turns out the deadline is on the 28th! I breath a sigh of relief. And decided I got time to re-draw it ( I still haven't done it). I went to bed. Knots in my stomach.

Thursday: I felt heavy, knots in my stomach was even bigger, denser. Had my T read the letter? Was she angry? Did I demand too much? Is she going to reject me? I was anxious. I tried to breathe calmly and tell myself to accept what would come. But atleast hopefully I'd get an answer today and then I could deal with it afterwards. Turns out she hadn't read the letter. She looked ashamed, she had forgotten. I forgave her. She asked me what it was about. And I was ridden with the warm wash of shame. I couldn't focus properly, I felt sick. But I told her. Weakly. I told her what it was about. It was pretty obvious that this was a hard thing for me to do. So most of the time of the appointment we spent on bringing me back and reducing shame. It involved a little roleplaying and some experimenting on other subjects than the one we were talking about. But it helped. I learned how weak I am when I ask for things. How too careful I am. That there's no force when I am asking for something, and she helped me navigate the waters and feeling the difference between asking weakly, or too carefully, and one that's more forceful, without demanding. Just clearer. It was interessting to see the difference. To feel the difference. Once I came back to myself again and not so affected by emotions we could talk about the actual topic again. Trauma therapy, and prolongued therapy.
It was still difficult, but I felt she wasn't angry, displeased or upset with me. Or judgemental at all. I couldn't quite tell her the way I wanted, or with the details I tried to tell her. But, the message was said. And she agreed. I've now got therapy until June, and then we'll re-evaluate.
We'll be starting with trauma therapy this week. I am both terrified and elated.  She asked me at the end of the session how I felt. I didn't know. We had gone over the time, and I knew she had another appointment. So I felt I couldn't spend up more time figuring it out. She guessed that I might be feeling a little shame, a little worry but also relief.  She hit the nail!
I felt all of that. And when I left the office, I felt elated. Energized! Finally! I felt I'd been heard on something that mattered a great deal to me, by someone who had the power to give it to me and whom I respect.  I know I have a hard time ahead of me. And quite possibly harder than I can imagine. But I just have to try and look for the long-term goal. And hopefully remind myself of it. I had a few hours to spare before I had another appointment at the SA center. I was so elated I wasn't very productive, although if I had had the focus, I would have been. At the SA center I got to voice my concern and confusion and worry about the future. About * am I doing? Studying? For what? What's realistic? what do I even want? What would make ME happy? We're going to talk more about that next session. It's very little about SA at that center. For me. It was in the beginning, but now we've sort of drifted away from it. I think I steered it away. And she's not steering it back, and I'm not urging. Maybe I should? I don't know. I don't even know how. Another one of the employees talked to me while I was waiting. She was incredible friendly. I like her. I asked her about how many SA victims come back into full time jobs. She said she believed most of them. And I can't help but wonder... How? How can I too reach that?

Friday:
Oh wow. First of all, TIRED! Second of all, I missed my bus and I feared I had to walk into the big auditorium after the lecture had started with all eyes on me. Needless to say I was stressed! I was even anxious and worried. I willed the bus to drive faster. To reach town quicker so I could run and magically be there only a couple of minutes late after they 've opened the door. I started freaking out on the bus, but then I calmed myself down. I reminded myself I didn't have to freak out. It wouldn't be the end of the world. People wouldn't really care. Maybe other people would be late. People are late all the time. It helped. And then I started becomign too calm. and I was like "no, no wait a moment! I need the stress! I need it so I can run to the lecture! I need the activation!" So I maintained it. And it worked. The bus was two minutes earlier in town, and that was all I needed. I found a seat, and the lecture began. It was so interessting. And ironically enough, it was about Stress. I love learning about it, and I've thought about it before, maybe stress is what I need to work in. Stress-mastering stuff. Helping others deal. Find a balance (I just have to find mine first I suppose). Then there was the study group. Here I am, a not-healthy person in a group with healthy (seemingly) people. About to embark on a group project together. And to hold presentations for a bunch of people I had to tell the group that I wont be doing any presentation. It was so incredible difficult. After I said it I dissociated. They didn't meet me with any dismay. Perhaps I told enough of why, and was firm enough? Who knows.

I was exhausted. My brain stopped working. My mind was barely present. And I had one more social obligation afterwards. I tried my best, but cut it short.
The week-end I've been a mess. I've barely been able to get out of bed. Never mind talk to people (my roommate). Just drained of all life really.

It was too much. Just simply that. Too much. 

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Sceal. Nice to see you again after the forum came back. 

I know what you're talking about. Doing things without a break. I've experienced that too. Not fun, if you ask me.

Monday : Good job on having a break with that friend of yours. Sometimes a lazy day is a way to regain your energy to be productive again, as well as a good act of self care.

Tuesday : There's this amazing feeling after doing something productive, huh? I can relate. Sorry you weren't able to be assertive with your friend — but you're still making progress.

Wednesday : I've dabbled in drawing before, and while it's not one of my main interests now, it sure is a lot of effort. There's something very difficult about drawing what you see, not what you think you see. I'm glad you figured out your perspectives and still have time to do so.

Thursday : Ah, that feeling when you're having a tough talk with someone and you get anxious about what they think. I had a talk like that earlier with a friend who had a tendency to be pushy with his ideas sometimes. I was nervous what he would think, but after I talked to him, he backed off a bit and we went back to normal.

I don't know about her, but your therapist sounds nice to me. From what I've seen, finding one right for you is often difficult for many of us. Maybe you've done well this time because you stopped trying to find the right perfect therapist who understood you perfectly, and began to create a situation where your therapist can understand you better.

Friday : It's a satisfying feeling in every student's life when they're nearly late yet manage to get there in time. Reminds me of the cliche where in every school life anime, there's always a scene where a main character is running late. Guess all kinds of people experience it.

Interesting is a good thing. And often it's not as much "work" when something is interesting. Some people end up in places where they don't learn what they're most passionate about, but you have one here.

I'm sorry your brain got foggy and you got exhausted. I know what it's like to care about achievement all the time — adding all the pressure to my own stress.

It's good that you took a break. You've had one long week full of progress. Take care, now.

[sanmagic7]

holy shmoley, sceal - just reading about what you did all week wore me out!  no wonder you're a mess for the weekend.  every other day that week was crammed full to brimming with things to do.   i'm glad you at least postponed one thing and cut another short.  and you can work on letting someone know that it's time for you to get your beauty sleep - it's important, after all.  can knock our circadian rhythms all out of whack.

even tho your t didn't read your letter, it sounds like she guided you thru it really well.  it also sounded a lot like trauma therapy to me, like she'd already started it.  set the foundation.  helping you establish a relationship with her that you can trust.  assisting you when you lost focus or got foggy.  all of that is part of trauma therapy, and you came out of it feeling good. 

so, it sounds like she will simply be doing more of the same with you as you continue to explore and challenge yourself, all the while standing beside you, guiding you when you get stuck or confused.  you've already started and know what to expect.  i think that's a good thing.

as far as veering away from the sa in that group, it may be where you need to go right now.  may i suggest you trust yourself, your gut, your instincts on this?  you'll know when it's time to veer back because it'll be time for you to do so.  for now, it sounds like maybe there are other things that also need your attention, and you may have needed a break from the heavy stuff.  you're aware, and that's a big step.

i give you all credit, sceal, for exploring, learning about you, being willing to take on the hard stuff in a different way than you thought you would.  i do agree with your t about taking a day for yourself along the way.  yes, i've had that same problem, didn't stop till i crashed, and then was useless for days.  it's a balancing act we all have to find for ourselves.  i've learned to listen for that little 'ding' inside that tells me i've pushed enough, and if i push any more i will be in trouble.  you'll find your own 'ding' if you listen for it.

you're making me smile.  warrior spirit is oozing out of you on all sides.  loving, warm hug to you, my dear.