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[DecimalRocket]

Thanks for sharing that story with me, San. I guess I get surprised that people say I'm wiser beyond my years is because I don't exactly come off as "wise" in real life. I look quietly lazier and relaxed than I actually am.

I have routines, just routines no one else makes in a way that my goals are very hard to see from the outside. Too easygoing to come off as sophisticated enough for it. I'm easygoing because I'm only controlling towards myself, not others, so my more structured lifestyle is unseen.

...

Did you ever wonder if I ever hated math? Because I have.

Funny to think about since I'm such a big nerd for it today. I've liked science since I was a kid, but math? I'd say it started about 3 years ago.

The math they thought in school was taught in the least engaging way possible. It was taught cookbook style. All memorized ingredients of equations without actually understanding the ideas behind them.

But they were other people with different views on math beyond the usual dryness. There was an author who taught by giving physics examples of superheroes. Numberphile taught math through everyday simple puzzles and math humor. Betterexplained created wonderful visuals and unexpected analogies as if he was telling a story with numbers.

It was a logic that wasn't dry and unemotional. It was a type of logic for fun. I appreciated that as the school pranker who kept getting in trouble, even if I was quiet most of the time. .

As my senses get less oversensitive and my motor control gets less wonky, I get to be curious about the world through my senses than only my mind. My taste buds aren't as sensitive, and so I can enjoy new depths of flavors, smells, and textures in food. I loved trying new food, and I want to see how I'll try a new physical exercise too.

I'll make sure I won't think things through too much . . . which is terrifying. I think of physical activities like most people think of math.    It was exploring that made me somehow enjoy math and be good at it, rather than disciplining myself with defined goals. The rules can come later.

I wanted to learn to love learning before I ever learned well.

But for now, I'll just stay attached to my nice familiar couch and books.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
I also love books, and I know you got some new ones for your Birthday, so I'm imagining you getting stuck into many of them.  When I was a child, I would have a pile of books on the floor by my bed, and I'd be dipping into several, and never managed to read an entire one!  Or rarely.  I'm wondering whether you're the same, or whether you tend to start one and go to the end, before moving on to another. 

I just popped in your Journal to say 'hi' and also to wish you the best -  to you, DR

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Hope.

Well, I often switch books a lot, but sometimes I finish them. I notice I tend to have modes where I like things in depth, and other moments when I like things with more variety. Even if I explore new ones, my more in depth needs would eventually come back to finish many of the important ones I read.

I've been reading an action-fantasy series, a teen romance novel, cryptography (computer security). research on future technology, shock politics, and trying hand lettering. I'm disappointed on deciding not to buy the fluffy kittens coloring book though. Damn it!

[DecimalRocket]

To be honest, I have some kind of survivor's guilt that my life is getting better, often in ways people haven't here when they were younger.  Especially the parent figures I had in life.

My mom has gotten more kind and flexible with her rules. A lot less smothering and willing to look on my strengths. My dad. . . well, he'll talk to me if I approach him first, and I am. He's not much of a parent, more of a friend, but not like a distant acquaintance anymore.

My tutor after school since I was 5 years old is a lot like a second dad to me, and treats me as his kid. He often gives too much advice, especially unasked religious advice. I somehow convinced him that non-believers are not all horrible or cruel people, but is still convinced they'll go to *.

I'm surprised that actually progressed somewhere. I've thought of him as black and white when I realized how horribly discriminatory to other beliefs he was, but he wasn't that simple. He talks of other non-believers condescendingly, but when he speaks to me about it, he tries to be gentle. He repeats certain arguments repetitively even with feedback, but admits to being wrong on some.

I confronted him last time I saw him. I wanted it to be different from the fights we had when I was in my early teens. I didn't try to change his religious beliefs anymore nor did I stay passive like my recent years. I just wanted to hear me out and accept me as I am. I inched him into a corner with words, and finally asked. . ."Why, why, why, why are you doing this?" He choked back, with a frustration strong enough in his voice even I could notice, "I wanted . . . to save your soul."

I went back to my own solitude to think that day. It was a quiet night.

Sometimes I wish the quiet would have lasted.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Just wanted to pop into your Journal today to say "hi" - I feel like I've been distant this past couple of days, but I've been finding it hard to process so many things, and I just wanted to say that I hope that you're ok. 

I've just read what you wrote about all the different things you've been reading about - wow, so many!!!  All sound interesting though.  When you mentioned about regretting not buying the colouring book about fluffy kittens, I thought - oh no!  You'd definitely have fun doing that.  I know I find doing my dot-to-dot books very relaxing and therapeutic too.  Speaking of which, I hope to do some later today - anyway, just wanted to pop by and say 'hi' and also give you a warm hug, if that' s ok 
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

  Hope. Well, it's been rough recently. I've been getting more physical symptoms from the stress, and it's . . . a lot to take. The physical is a lot better, but emotionally I'm still tense.

....

You ever heard of the idea that you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with? Yeah. I don't think that applies to me.

Growing up, I was physically present with people, but always emotionally isolated to some degree from emotional neglect. People look to their families, their best friends or anyone who they interact with the most as people who influence their view on life growing up. Me? I did it all on my own through books and the internet.

I don't feel like part of this country emotionally. I just happen to live here. I respect and admire much of their culture, but I'm not part of that. Patriotism was pressured on me growing up, and to admit so right now can be shaming, but I stand by my own views.

So many of my harmful beliefs weren't pressured through me to emotional abuse. Much of them was made alone through lack of guidance and my growing suspicion towards everyone. It's why I care so much about open mindedness, as so much of my hurt alone was made through a lack of it. Ignorance is not bliss.

I'll still stay in this country, even though much of the financially stable and educated leave this place of little opportunities. This poverty filled place needs more help than many other richer countries I relate more emotionally, but it's not because it's my country. It's because damn it, they're human beings.

And hey, I'm pretty dependent on the food here. Heh.  Other cultures aren't as openly warm and emotional. Maybe I'll grow more by learning from my opposite tendencies. Just no hugs.

I'm scared what these choices might mean and depressed on what I could have explored, but I guess there's only one way to find out what comes next.

Maybe it's a time not to be realistic like I've always been. Maybe it's time to dream.

[DecimalRocket]

I wanted the objective truth, and I thought the truth had to be something cynical and dark, but it's not always like that. The objective truth can be hopeful. It can be childlike. It can be a wonder. It doesn't escape from what's dark or be cynical on what may be good. It just observes what is.

Objectivity means I should see both sides to see what truth may be in them, and I've failed in that here. I've failed. I've let my dark past bias my emotions into believing something beyond proportion. I've let fear reach the worst conclusions too fast and shame to avoid what I was really like.

It was rational to see and avoid danger, but it was irrational to avoid what isn't danger. It was rational to be skeptical, but it was irrational to be paranoid. It was disadvantageous to run away from the possibilities of life, believing nothing good will come from trying.

The ugly truth wasn't that I could never trust anyone. The ugly truth was that in not trusting anyone, I thought I was wise. I believe in evidence, and what my life and others has shown me that the ideal doesn't exist, but I can get closer to it as time passes by. Psychology shows the benefits of the growth mindset and the Hans Rosling provides world statistics from credible organizations on actual progress on world issues.

I've grown up all this time to become an adult.  I hope that by the time I turn 18 next year, that I've grown down into something more childlike.

[Three Roses]

 

[Sceal]

 

[DecimalRocket]

  to both of you back.

Have you ever heard of someone rich envying the poor? Of course you don't. That's why I think my feelings are stupid.

If the whole country was a big family, I'd be like the kid who envies their kid brother who gets all the attention thanks to an illness he was born with. Then I'd feel like crap because I'm envying someone who clearly has bad luck, especially when the poor guy coughs his guts out. I grew up with all kinds of information about the poverty where I live, and they always emphasized how lucky we students were to go one of the most privileged schools in the country.

Me? I didn't feel lucky, and I hated it when they said anything like that. Why would I tell anyone though? It'd be taboo in a place like this, and the lack of gratitude was probably my fault anyway, right? I envy all kinds of tragic situations all the time, and even though it makes no sense, I feel like I'd only get more attention if only my situation was worse.

To be honest and I'm sorry, I get angry and envy people here often. It's not you guys, and it's not the main me in control. It's little me getting frustrated at everyone else who gets to be heard, gets to be responded to, and gets to be loved. Because even though people are there for me now, I still remember and can feel what it's like to be entirely alone.

When my situation is worse, I want to get better. When I get better, I think my situation is worse.

[Blueberry]

 

on your honesty to yourself and to us. Very brave, I think.

Even if you can't tell anyone in your country your thoughts, you can write them here! It's not taboo here. I still see you as the caring person you are, with helpful words and posts and ideas for many others on here.

I think this "kid who envies their kid brother who gets all the attention thanks to an illness he was born with. Then I'd feel like crap because I'm envying someone who clearly has bad luck" happens actually in families where one child is severely sick, the other or the rest get a bit neglected or maybe even a lot neglected. It will depend partly on how good the parents can deal with the stress. And we know: emotional neglect can lead to CPTSD! So that kid's envy in their family has its reason and its place.

Little DR seems to need more attention? Maybe Little DR will be helped just by you talking about their feelings here? Or maybe Little DR needs to hear they're not alone any more? I'm sending some acceptance to Little DR. Not too much, don't want to overwhelm.

[DecimalRocket]

 

Maybe I'm taking issue since my parents were pretty much millionaire philanthropists who spent doing their "helping society" thing than "raising me" thing. That or earning money for us when we weren't as financially stable than really just having a more emotional connection with me.

My mom seemed to remember to donate to a charity organization more than did she remember to talk to me. More willing to be gentle to people less well off financially than speak to me gently.

Grandparents were busy too. Grandma on my mom's side lived far away, and my grandma on my father's side is a landlady who spends most of her time on her own. The only living grandpa (grand uncle) Is off trying to work on this big millionaire project of this for the poverty in this country. Well, considering he's the type of man who literally ran for president once, I assume he's very busy.

I wasn't asking for too much I hope.

[sanmagic7]

i don't think you were asking for too much.  not at all.

my d1 had a lot of mental/emotional issues, and i spent a lot of time dealing with her, not so much time dealing with d2, who seemed to me to be doing ok.  so, my attention and focus was more on the madness of our family dynamic than my youngest d.

and one day she took an overdose of anti-depressants like she'd seen her older sister do many times just to get some attention for herself.  she'd told me later that was her purpose, but it backfired when she saw my face, which was one of 'o no, here we go again'.  by that time i was so tired of trips to the e.r. and psych wards, and having another d who was going the same route was overwhelming.

we've talked about it since, and it's all understood.  so, i also understand where you're coming from, d.r.  those thoughts of yours seem very un-pathetic and very 'of course - not a surprise you'd envy that or wish for it'.  i've seen it in real life. 

everyone needs and deserves attention while they're young.  my d2 saw the madness and tried to stay out of it as much as possible until her own depression and anxiety of having to deal with it raised their heads and demanded that she be seen no matter what it took. 

your thoughts aren't unusual, to my mind.  i hope you don't feel like you have to resort to something extreme to get those needs met.  they'd be something to talk with your t about, finding out how to deal with them in healthier ways.  maybe even bring your parents in so they can hear what's happening and change something in their dynamic with you so that you feel like you have their attention in a healthy way.  that's what i wish and hope for you, sweetie.  love and a warm, caring hug for you.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks San for all that. 

...

I guess all that efforts to delve into my own history these past few days has caught up to me. I've been feeling faint, tired, aching and dizzy today. I've made a lot of progress on having compassion for myself, but whenever I have the largest progress on that area, my body seems to resist it. I just feel deeply guilty for being forgiving with myself.

Sigh. I'm too young to be a little bit too sickly, you know?

That, and maybe the heat is getting to me. Summers here get really hot, and there's never any winter. I googled Heat Exhaustion and checklisted all the symptoms -- heavy sweating, headache, muscle cramps, rapid heart beat, dizziness, and nausea. Great. I usually found some comfort in the routine of staying downstairs in a room without the air conditioner at certain times of the day, but Mayo Clinic said I'd faint if I stayed for too long in the heat. So I went back upstairs.

Jeez, usually I take heat so well that sometimes I think I could weight lifts in the middle of * with the Devil reading by mouth Donald Trump x Kim Jung Un romance fanfiction. I bet Elsa could never let it go in there. Though along with the guilt and my exhaustion. . . it's not a fun day.

No big realizations on the past, present and future or heavy weightlifting into changing basic beliefs ideas like in trust, control, and truth for now.

Today I just need rest, and nice cold cold cold air.

[DecimalRocket]

I notice another reason why I'm so unwilling to forgive myself.

I don't want to admit I was wrong on something, especially in regards to myself. Even more so, I don't want to admit that other people are right. I don't want to admit that unhealthy emotions are clouding my precious judgement. It's my own rational judgement that  I trust the most to make decisions backed up with emotional stability, not all this.

To doubt that? To doubt the area that I have the most confidence with in dealing with life? No. No. No. In my view, there's no such thing as being either thinking with your head or your heart, just more or less healthy and unhealthy ways of using both. A heart can be irrational or deeply caring. A mind can be overly rigid or a reliable source of objectivity. If deciding with my heart is dysfunctional. . . that affects thinking with my head too.

As my heart matures, I'm afraid it'll make mistakes again. Instead of having compassion for myself, it'll start getting worried about what other people think of me. Make me fear that I won't belong. Make me feel more anger at others than care.

Follow your heart? Hah. Mine isn't as wise as other's hearts I've seen, but to let it grow, I need to allow it to make its own decisions right? Without logic playing as the overprotective parent over the little kid. After all that's what my heart feels like, not a mature adult and more like a vulnerable child that needs constant gentleness and love.

Heh. I'm full of too much pride . . .again.