Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

Blueberry · May 08, 2018, 10:47:21 AM

Thanks for saying you missed me, Hope. I'm really touched.

It's really incredible on this forum that people you've never seen or heard IRL come to be like dear friends you miss.

_____________________________________________

Today I took my courage in my hands when I saw my landlord and asked him about the extraneous stuff in the area outside my office and he moved it immediately and spoke to the tenant he assumed it belonged to. My landlord agreed that that stuff has no business in my space and agreed with my sign on the wall to this end! The previous owner of the building used to blame me for wanting my own space. A T said he was acting like a parent who wouldn't be one, a parent who'd tell the kids to sort their own stuff out and he didn't care. No wonder it used to trigger me.

*** TW physical violence ***
I have a picture in my head of B1 with two friends in tow pushing me about. I got hurt and F came in the room. He didn't care, he told me gruffly to stop making a fuss, and didn't want to hear what happened. He was busy. Cue laughter from B1 and friends.
My memory is a bit dim, but it seems my leg was wrenched up and I was frightened of hitting the window ledge with my head on the way down. I didn't, but as usual B1 didn't have that in control. No word from F to B1 about not using violence.
I'm not feeling into the memory, and I'd say that's good for me atm.

*** End TW ***

And then I took my courage further and asked my landlord if he'd take a look in my apartment and see how I'd divide it up to move my business space back in there to save rent. He had a look, said it would be difficult, kind of pricey and would cut a lot of light out of my main room. I explained about being chronically unwell on a small disability pension, that's why the rent on the office is difficult for me to cover. So he said he'll look into lowering my rent in the office, maybe even in apartment too. I know he has to speak to his partner first. But still it's a great idea and I'm sure it means I will get a reduced rent.

Hope67 · May 08, 2018, 07:05:33 PM

on your successful outcome with your Landlord.

I agree it is incredible that people you've never seen or heard become like dear friends you miss.

Hope

Blueberry · May 08, 2018, 08:51:00 PM

In light of the above (under TW physical violence), it's not surprising that I momentarily forgot to breathe and got antsy when I saw the husband of the tenant who put that old fridge in the space outside my office. It's from the other business on the same floor as me and the husband is usually only there early morning and evening. So even with the landlord obviously on my side, I mean it will be obvious to the other business tenant and her husband, the fridge having been moved is still worrying for me. Though it shouldn't be at all! I wasn't the one in the wrong.

It's an EF of course. Little Blueberries haven't realised that there's now somebody on our side. It's no longer a father telling me off for objecting to someone going over my boundaries and letting those going over do so with impunity. It's a landlord telling me that my objection is perfectly reasonable and going to talk to the other party immediately as well as removing the offending object himself.

As usual it's not till I write about it that I notice what's going on: EF. And what I need to do about it: explain to Little Blueberries in childspeak. A bit later: well I tried to do so, but it's not really getting 'through'. No emotions, I feel nothing, I can't even feel any Little Blueberries. So I'll try again some other time, maybe I even need to do Screen Processing.

Hope67 · May 09, 2018, 08:23:01 AM

Safe hugs to your Little Blueberries.

Hope

Blueberry · May 10, 2018, 10:56:19 AM

Thanks Hope! They probably need your safe hugs today too. In fact I'm sure they do.

__________________
I woke up today with all sorts of things buzzing in my brain, about FOO denial and an instance of sexual harrassment done to me by someone outside FOO, and a Recovery Letter I wanted to write. Well, I will get on with these sometime on here.

But it's also good to take a break! I will now head over to a friend's where I can have a nice long relaxing bath.

Also soak the remains of any dust off.

DecimalRocket · May 10, 2018, 11:05:20 AM

Hey glad you're tasking some time for yourself, Berry. Glad to hear about making a pretty good negotiation with your landlord for less pay. He seems nice, and I can relate. Sometimes I unintentionally project my flashbacks toward people who clearly intend no harm, but I guess we're doing our best.

Blueberry · May 11, 2018, 07:35:27 AM

Yes, we're doing our best!

I feel a bit tired physically today. I'm actually meant to be on my way to work but don't feel up to the ride which is a sign that I shouldn't be volunteering to go twice a week. Just once a week is enough including the bike ride of 14 km each way, with hills. Though on MOn. I could try and combine the trip with my route to the farm. First farm for a couple of hours, then onto other job. Quite soon it'll definitely be once a week only anyway.

My gut feels as if there's this murky brew sloshing around in it. Not very conducive to cycling. otoh cycling might help.

I've had this murky brew feeling before.

sanmagic7 · May 11, 2018, 12:50:06 PM

hey, blueberry, congrats for taking your courage in hand and congrats to your landlord for being a reasonable person, flexible enough to make some changes in your favor. sounds like a win-win to me. i'm really glad for you, especially because you've got someone on your side in this now. yay!

those memories, i think, can stir stuff up at levels we're not even aware of, maybe even cellular. i'm just so glad you were able to write about it, discover the ef aspect of it, and finally know what was going on for you. well done, sweetie. plus, good on ya for knowing your limitations. excellent work. love and hugs to you.

DecimalRocket · May 11, 2018, 12:54:20 PM

It's okay to rest when you need it, Berry.

Take care.

Sceal · May 11, 2018, 03:41:38 PM

It sounds as if you've done alot of progress lately.
From talking to your landlord, realizing you're in an EF and trying to talk to the Little ones about it to making desicions about work and how much you should push yourself to when you need more time to rest.
I find that it's sometimes hard to acknowledge and remember the progress I've made, but I hope you'll hang on to these for a while and that maybe they will help you to continue to make progress.

Sending you friendly and happy thoughts!

Blueberry · May 11, 2018, 07:41:33 PM

Thanks san, DR, Sceal

I hopped on a bus a bit later today with my bike. Not all rural buses will take a bike. It's hit and miss. The one an hour later might not have. But this one did, and the driver didn't even charge extra for my bike though he's meant to. Then I just had to cycle the last 3-4 km. Very beneficial

Work went well. Atm it's a trial period but the employer mentioned she'll register me properly with the authorities in June so sounds as if she wants to keep me, is pleased enough.

Yes, I am making a lot of progress atm

and I do feel it myself too

Blueberry · May 12, 2018, 06:28:32 PM

I really feel happy today, contented. And I also feel the progress I'm making in all sorts of different ways all at once.

I applied for a second small job today. It's a type of work I've done before, albeit a good number of years ago. I tried it last year too for a different company. It didn't work, but that was actually partly the company's fault. They didn't teach me the work while things were slow, they just threw me in at the deep end and I struggled with an EF for about 3 hours, then gave up.

It's good progress that I'm trying again with a different company than last year. Up until a few weeks ago I wouldn't have dared. Maybe it's even on account of the new little job I started a couple of weeks ago that I feel up to trying an additional one. This one is very close by: 3 minutes walking, maximum.

I spent a lot of the day working in the garden. Now I need to go and deal with those fresh greens and flowers I harvested.

My apartment is complete and utter chaos however.

But that's the way it is, there's always some part of life I don't get together when I'm making improvements in other areas.

Blueberry · May 12, 2018, 10:59:50 PM

Another good thing atm is I'm eating more healthily. Higher nutritional value

and cooking from scratch, which is cheaper too. Almost everything I ate today came out of the garden or from the farm. That always makes me feel good.

sanmagic7 · May 14, 2018, 12:53:55 AM

wowser, blueberry. things sound like they're rolling along quite smoothly right now. congrats to you for the progress you're making work-wise, eating-wise, and whatever else-wise. it's so great!

i know the feeling of progress in one area, chaos in another. my space has often taken the hit as i've moved along in other areas. i just knew that whatever i've needed to do there, it would wait for me, no judgment allowed.

keep going, sweetie. i'm very happy for you. love and hugs.

Blueberry · May 14, 2018, 10:14:27 AM

Thanks san

It's good to read all that this morning and realise it's true. Even though I've had a little down-turn today.

whatever else-wise: the impulse to pull my hair out is much reduced! Not because I did any direct work on it, but just because... because that's where I am in my process of healing. Probably something during the healing retreat helped.