Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to say that it's great to hear that something in the Healing Retreat helped you - and it's great to hear that your impulse to pull your hair out is much reduced.  That is progress 

I also saw that you wrote somewhere else that you are due to collect some Furries tomorrow, for a few weeks - so exciting!  I bet you can't wait! 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Hope 
Yes, 2 Furries are being delivered tomorrow. I'm happy!

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Just feel like noting for myself that I've had ear-ache all day, which is often a sign that something is too much. Probably that second job I inquired about. Certainly not the Furries!

[Blueberry]

My posts are piling up. I see the counter and think omg why do I write so much??

Anyway, this is my go-to place when things are hard. Haven't finished my contract job. Well, I said I'd finish this evening though not needed till tomorrow. But tomorrow morning I'm working at my little 3 hour / week job. My non-freelance work. So that's why I need to finish contract tonight. Do a sentence or two, then distract myself, then get back to it.

I am making progress and it's particularly good for me atm to just observe how I'm coping work-wise. But none of this is easy.

[sanmagic7]

i, too, want to commend you on the reduction of your hair-pulling urges.  that speaks volumes about your ongoing recovery progress, sweetie.  and so happy for you that you'll have some new little furries in your life.  yay!

always remember, it's ok to go slow.  yep, our bodies will often slow us down when we don't do it for ourselves.  i hope that earache goes away soon.  they are definitely no fun.

well done, blueberry.  love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

Famous last words, san. As I'm doing a contract job, bit by bit, taking huge breaks in between sentences, I'm self-soothing by running fingers through my hair. Not pulling yet, but running fingers through is a danger sign. It's useful to note that doing my harder profession is, well, really hard emotionally - triggering SH and food addiction and go-back-to-bed-itis. Although on the positive side, lack of impulse was there, it can come again.

My earache has gone, thanks. It was presumably a warning of sorts.

Ha, I can go and check on the Little Furries, and then come back to this $%!§ job. (I did agree to do it though and it's not as if my new little non-freelance job is particularly easy with a 14 km bike ride one way to get there.) 

[Blueberry]

I phoned my employer to postpone till Friday (she has said so long as I do the work and go there once a week it's irrelevant when) but this time she questioned whether I'll actually manage and repeated that reliability is of utmost importance to her. Will I manage? It's a fair question. The answer tbh is 'probably not'. I didn't say that, I said I will this Friday and then I will consider whether I can manage it in the medium-term. So that's where the 'probably not' comes in.

It's good that I tried, it's good that I've been those few times, it's undoubtedly good for the employers themselves that I've managed to make an inroad into work that had been neglected for months. It's essential work. The place can run without this work being done but if an inspector came (the Health part of Health and Safety), that would be really bad news for them. That's what they've been worried about all along.

It's good that I've earned a little money. It's good because every little paid job I do gives me an idea of my continuing employability and how that is improving bit by tiny bit. But also indicates to me what might not work, what is just too strenuous. Super tired now. 

Have finished the contract work more or less. The client will have a look at it in a couple of hours and get back to me with any amendments.

I'm enjoying having the Little Furries around  talking to them and encouraging them to explore more of their present home. I even find myself singing to them 

[Deep Blue]

I'm happy for your little furries.  I know how much it means to you 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Deep Blue.

I'm feeling bone-achingly weary atm. It even crossed my mind that 3 weeks pet-sitting is a long time... But I'll manage and it'll do me good. It is already.
Actually I was asleep in bed but when I woke up again, got up to check the phone cuz I know it rang a few hours ago. Wasn't anything important though. It could've been a client cancelling for tomorrow  but no. I'm not in bad enough a state to want to cancel on my own because in the case of tomorrow's client that would mean a loss of potential income.

On the one hand, I felt a few hours ago as if this weariness, especially the physical, is going to lead me early to the grave. I know that sounds very melodramatic but my self-care isn't great and I suppose after years of hearing from FOO (those medical experts, not) that this or that was so unhealthy it was like a crime and also the media always going on about people who don't exercise daily or who do eat too much of this or that are how many % more likely to die of a heart attack / stroke, get diabetes etc etc, well .....

On the other hand, I know this too shall pass.  Progress. I used not to be able to access this knowledge when in a down phase.

[Deep Blue]

Blueberry,
Take it easy and do what you need to do for you.  Give those furries some extra loving too.  Fun fact, petting animals releases oxytocin (the love hormone) I'm glad that you are able to believe that this too shall pass.  It shows you are getting stronger.   

[Blueberry]

Actually this type of little furry doesn't specially like being petted. People think they do, but actually they sit still on your lap because they're in freeze mode, the poor little things. And the noises they make is actually them calling to their mates not telling us humans how much fun they're having.

However I go past their large home many times a day and speak to them lovingly (my tone of voice and even pitch changes  )
so I suppose my brain registers that. One of them bumps into me a bit with his chin / lips while being fed little treats but his mate doesn't. She's still too nervous of me, this new person, to take the most delicious of little treats directly from my fingers. That might change though. She takes them from where I leave them, and they will smell of me for her sensitive little nose.

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I'm still exhausted. Cancelled an appointment this afternoon, but was there for my own paying clients this morning, all two of them. Still need to send one invoice.

What I really need to do however is get my prescription for my low thyroid meds filled. For one reason and another, haven't been taking them for about 2 weeks. That will be one reason why I'm so exhausted and why I'm feeling chilly. Wearing a wool sweater and a fleece  I know I need my thyroid meds!!

[sanmagic7]

yes, please, get your meds.  i don't doubt that will help out a lot.

i've felt like i was dying several times in the past 20 years, was so dragged down by stress that it was killing me.  i don't think you're being overly dramatic with that.  the good news is that as i've felt better about myself, i've taken better care of myself, and it's been feeling like the right thing to do.   i'm hoping the same for you.

as far as those medical professionals - not! - and their doomsday warnings, i say pooh!  how they manage to get into our heads and stay there, repeating their ugliness is just amazing to me.   i hope thinking like this is at least partly because your hormones are a bit messed up by your thyroid right now. 

so, wishing you a speedy recovery from feeling down, sending love and hugs to warm and comfort you.  and i love how you know so much about your little furries.  so very cool.

[Blueberry]

I got my meds yesterday afternoon and took them this morning. Idk how long it takes them for me to be up and running again, but I started the process.

I didn't make it out of bed permanently for a good while, but I'm up now. Small steps. I took my tea into the garden and sat in the sun. I picked greens for my pets. I even planted a few little additional seedlings from my super mini-greenhouse. I saw that some &$§ creature (2-legged?? / 4-legged??) used part of my garden where I'd planted herbs and wild-flowers as a toilet.    Got rid of that.

I thought those non-medical experts (FOO) might be saying as they've said before that I'm meant to be getting on with paying work, tho it wasn't my garden they said this in connection with. What do they know?? Doing bits in the garden among green and living plants is something that keeps me going. keeping me out of bed today. Will get me on my bike a bit later to go to 3 hour job for presumably the last time. Being in sun in garden among greenery helps remind me of the niceness of the bike ride as opposed to how strenuous it is.

Thanks so much san for your warm, loving words and your own experience you mention. Brings tears to my eyes a bit. That's unusual, and a good thing atm.  back.

[Blueberry]

Did my job and then handed in my notice. Said I could work sporadically maybe if they call to ask, but I can't be reliable weekly the way they need someone. The employer understood but was a bit disappointed. She said it was "thingie" having me there. I'm not joking, but it was a compliment! Like I'm a personable employee or something. But I can feel my body about to give up. I have next to no freelance work next week. Fortunately. I'll need a week just to recover.

I feel tired right into my bones so I'm going to bed. No more modding tonight.

[Deep Blue]

Good for you blueberry,
Get some rest 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i'm glad you decided to go to bed.  yes, get some rest.  you deserve it.

i love being in a garden, too.  the earthiness of it, the smell of sun on soil, seeing seedlings where once only seeds were planted.  it speaks to my soul.  i'm so very glad you've got one.  i hope to have another some day.  that would be great.

keep taking care of you as best you can.  lovely, earth-smelling hug to you, all natural and warm.