Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue - that big hug made me smile today - thankyou so much!   

Hi BeHea1thy - thanks for your validation - I like the word 'Herculean' - makes me feel stronger!      

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Journal Entry on 7th October 2018
I am having more contact at night with my 'wounded/fragmented parts' - but I am managing to stay mindful of the fact that I perceive them as younger parts of me, and I am trying to listen to what they communicate to me - and last night I felt the younger frightened part - who physically has pain in her head - and I tried to reassure her that the present time is safer - and she is safe.  I think it helped me cope - and I managed to sleep. 

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

I'm glad you were able to sleep better.

Could you tell about what age that wounded fragmented part of you was? The one with her head hurting?  Perhaps you could do something for her today? Maybe draw a picture? Play a board game?  Give her some warm milk to drink?

Take good care sweetie

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue - I read your reply to me yesterday - and I appreciated it so much - and it made me realise that helping Little Hope - the one whose head hurts - and is so frightened and terrified - it's what I should do.  So last night I held out a cuddly toy for her - a little doll I have - very soft and comforting - and immediately felt a flood of emotion go through her - she reacted to that very strongly.  Also, today I told her she could spend time with me - and we did a dot-to-dot - and she enjoyed that - and when we found out what the picture was - a person with trousers - she wanted to colour in the trousers - but Adult Hope didn't do that with her - but I did respond and say that colouring in the trousers was something we could do another time.  It was interesting that I considered all the options you mentioned - i.e. drawing a picture, drinking some milk etc - and regarding 'drawing a picture' she felt very frightened about that thought - she didn't want to do that - and similarly with the drinking milk, she worried for sleeping - those were conscious thoughts that went through my mind when I considered those options for Little Hope. 

Regarding her age - I don't know - she seems very small to me - maybe even pre-verbal, because she just 'feels terrified' at night - and her head hurts so much - or at least she causes mine to hurt when she is present.  I haven't sensed or heard her speak to me - only sensed her emotions, which is why I think she might be pre-verbal.

Anyway Deep Blue - I very much appreciate you saying what you said, suggesting what you did, because it helped me connect with her - and to consider her - and keep her in my mind to connect further - and I'm hopeful that this has been helpful.

I do think she'd like to draw something sometime, even though she's scared - but I worry what she might draw, and whether I'm capable of helping her to contain what she might express there - I guess that's why I'm cautious - and listening to my caution. 

to you Deep Blue.

*****
Journal Entry on 8th October 2018
I think I've said all I can say today - I think I need an early night tonight - I am feeling a bit drained of energy. 

Something just came to mind though - so I can write something now - I had been watching a soap opera kind of programme that has a few different 'stories' going through it - and the characters tend to stay the same - so there are different bits of it that can be focused on - and I was amazed by the fact that my partner asked me about one entire thread of the story - and I had no recollection of any of it - it was like I could only focus on certain other parts of the story, and had completely blanked the other bits - he told me this is not unsual at all - that he has noticed me do this a LOT.  He doesn't always comment on it though.  But it made me think that I wonder why I focus on particular bits, and NOT on others - is it due to interest in the bits that I like, or an inability to tolerate the bits I blank out?  It is like being in a house, and finding a curtain falls to block out a part I maybe don't want to see/consider.  But at the same time, sometimes I know what is behind the curtain, and othertimes I don't.  I realise that doesn't make very much sense, but I am just writing as I think about it.


Anyway, I will have an early night tonight.  Sounds like a good thing.


Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 9th October 2018
I was wondering "What have I done today?" - but actually when I thought about it, I have done a few things - so that's been better than I thought - because I've organised for a couple of appointments I had been putting off, which is good self-care - and I also re-read the first chapter of the book on Dissociation - when I say 're-read' I mean just the parts I had underlined - and it helped me to try to fix the points in my mind.  I've started Chapter 2 - I'm wondering where to write about my experiences of the book - I know that there is a place where people discussed the previous edition of the book - so maybe there.  Or should I start a new place to talk about the new edition of the book - I don't know.  I'll think about it.  I think reading what others have written as a starting point will be good - so maybe I'll add to the existing thread.  But I don't know how similar the chapters are between the 2 editions - I was just grateful to get the most up to date edition I could.  2017 I think it is.  It was a couple of pounds more expensive, but I thought it would be better.

I'm laughing at myself now, as I am actually somehow bargaining with the fact I paid that bit more, and I'm trying to placate myself for having spent the money on it.  This is probably because I was thinking about finances today - and trying to think about budgets etc - and how I spend my money etc etc.  So maybe that's why I'm feeling the need to 'justify' the couple of extra pounds spent on a book.  I don't know.

I was glad to sleep last night - and have an early night - it helped me - I feel better today.  I had been feeling really 'drained' and tired.  I still don't feel quite right, but I am feeling a lot better than I was yesterday.

For some reason I am now feeling nauseous - that is bizarre, but I think it's because I actually thought about 'how' I'm feeling, and now I feel nauseous. 

My partner thinks that I look into everything in more detail than I need to - he said something like that today - I was trying to explain why I need to do this exploration of myself to help myself to cope and move forward in my life, and that I told him that I had spent so many decades in a frozen or numbed state - minimising and not even seeing the realities of my upbringing and experiences - and that I want to 'feel' I want to 'live' my life - and I told him I feel this is the only way I can do that - and I told him of my hopes for the path towards befriending my parts.  Thankfully he is an understanding and empathic kind of person, and he listened to me, and I think he supported me.  Although I know that he worries for me, and wants me to be happy.  This is what he admitted too. 

Anyway, I am lucky to have him in my life - must go now.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 10th October 2018
I think I triggered myself too much yesterday - I ended up feeling like I was in some kind of EF or even that several parts of myself were thrown into EF's - and it felt quite over-whelming.  I was writing in different bits of the forum, and had ended up grativating to different threads - depending on what I noticed, and where I felt 'drawn' - I even wrote a letter to my sister (not to send) - which I hadn't been anticipating doing.  I think that different parts of me responded to all these things in different ways, and I felt lots of waves of emotion, and then non-emotion - but in rapid succession really.  In the end, I felt 'anger' - which I rarely feel - I remember writing that I thought that was a 'good thing' that I'd felt that - but what came after was intense upset, and quite a few actual tears - crying - but after that, I actually 'felt better' - and it was like the EF's had all passed - eventually - and I slept well too - although I was dreaming a lot - although the content isn't clear - I can't really remember what I was dreaming about. 
I've woken, and I feel such a sense of relief to feel better - I had worried that I couldn't cope at moments last night - even that I was 'going mad' - to use a phrase that I don't like to use - but part of me did worry about that. 
I think I need to pace myself a bit more - I'll try to do that today.
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Just sending you support today and hoping you have an easier go of it 

[sanmagic7]

i know anger can be a tough emotion to feel and process in and of itself.  since you thought it was  a good thing, it probably was.  having so many emotions, in and out of an emotional place, can definitely be disconcerting.  i'm glad you felt relief and slept well in the end.  sending love and a warm, gentle hug to you, sweetie.

[Hope67]

Thank you Deep Blue & SanMagic -  to you both. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy,  Thank you so much for your very validating reply - which I appreciate Very much.    to you.

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Journal Entry on 12th October 2018

I am a bit disconcerted about what I read today in my latest book which is about "Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation" so wanted to copy the paragraph that disconcerts/bothers me here.  It's from Chapter 5 of the book and is on p.110 and says
"Patients may have read about dissociation or participated in online chat groups or self-help groups and become convinced thye have the disorder.  They may have a trauma history and some dissociative symptoms such as depersonalization and PTSD symptoms, but not DID.  And they may have symptoms of a personality disorder and are genuinely confused about who they are.  For them, the idea of having DID provides an acceptable explanation for their fluctuating sense of identity."  Towards the end of the same page, it goes on to say "Most of these patients have suffered serious emotional neglect as children and feel chronically ignored, unseen, and misunderstood.  Often they have a strong wish to gain attention and to remain dependent and cared for, and thus often present with needy "child parts"."

My reflection on this is that maybe this is relevant to me - maybe I'm seeking explanations and reading too much into my symptoms, my feelings, my thoughts - and I relate strongly to the concept of 'dissociation' and also the discussions of 'identity' - but maybe it's because I'm 'needy' and have 'needy child parts' - I don't think I have DID - but I do think I'm on a continuum of having some symptoms - I just wanted to note these things here in my Journal, as they have sparked a feeling that I describe as 'being disconcerted' - and I guess I wanted to put that here - to make mention of it.

Need to go now, as I am supposed to be cooking a meal, but wanted to say it.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I feel better since I had time to reflect on that paragraph further - and I think what happened was that 'part of me' leapt on the words and made me feel shameful, as if I was an attention-seeking person, and now I've had time to distance myself from that part's view - which I perceive more as an outer critic (but I wonder if I confuse inner and outer critics) - but anyway, I have been reading further in the book - and I really relate so much to things that the book says about people's experiences of having dissociated parts - so I feel that I am ok to continue to read it, and to gain some benefit from it.  Afterall, I am not seeking a 'diagnosis' of anything, I am purely battling with my identity, my self, my parts, and wishing to befriend them, and to integrate so that I can live an authentic and hopefully happy life - whilst allowing myself to grieve for past issues, and allowing myself to feel emotions and feelings and - that's giving me some hope to think about that.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

I interpreted that paragraph a bit differently than you I think.  By needy I think it means that the littles lacked in love.  They were starved of it, so they need some to make up for that now.  I also looked at it as the littles asking for love and attention now because they didn't get it back then.

Hopefully I'm making sense 🤞

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
What you said makes sense to me, very much so, and thank you so much for saying it - I related to it very much, as I've been thinking back to how my Littles were treated and I can see that they didn't get much positive attention - hardly any.  So they do crave it - and I think since I've been beginning to make contact with those parts of myself, and they've been communicating with me, they have been glad of any positive attention and caring that I can give to them - and this helps me feel better as a whole person.  Thank you Deep Blue - I appreciate you sharing your interpretation of things - it makes sense to me.    to you. 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

  back at you Hope 

[Hope67]

Another big hug to you Deep Blue 


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Journal entry on 14th October 2018

I have been continuing to read the book about Dissociation, and I'm on Chapter 8 of it now, and the section I'm reading is called "Understanding the Role of Hypnosis, Trance, and Trance Logic in Dissociative Parts' - I'm just writing that to remind me where I was up to at this point in time.  I have realised that I'm chugging through this book, and that it's been over-whelming sometimes, and especially when they were talking about diagnoses of Dissociation and DID - and I began to worry about myself a bit - but I was glad that I pursued reading further, and could then think that actually it's ok for me to read the book, that certain parts of me are probably quite reluctant to do so, and maybe want to hold me back - and other parts are eager - that there are parts which are pleased that I'm looking at things as a whole, and recognising and communicating - and then parts that want to sabotage it perhaps.

Also, there are so many parts of the book that I relate to - when they speak about people's experiences, I feel like they're writing about my own experiences - I relate to them so much.  It's incredibly validating.

One thing I've picked up though, is the importance to go at a pace that feels ok for me.  I am going to try to focus on one piece of wisdom that I saw in p.169 of the book which is:

"The patient may be unable to experience the present moment and becomes lost in the past.  Helping the patient learn to be in the present and have positive emotions and experiences must precede a focus on grief and loss." - I think I need to focus on the present moment more - because I am numb to feeling many things - and I dissociate quite a lot - I've been realising this more and more - so I'm going to focus more on the 'present moment' - as a focus for this week and going ahead. 


During the night, I've been experiencing stranger experiences - in terms of feeling as if the younger parts of me are 'there' and there are other parts that I've not recognised before - but which feel some sense of 'dread' - not sure what that is, but wanted to just mention it - as I've experienced it.

I've been doing more 'self-care' kind of things lately - I've made some appointments for myself - things I'd been putting off - so now I need to attend those appointments, and I've started doing that already - and so far it's been ok.  I've got something I've booked to do mid week which is causing me anxiety - as I'll be doing it alone and it will be involving going into a group of people - I don't know who will be there - it feels quite scary to many parts of me.  But, I am feeling like I will do it - I hope so.  I could cancel at the last minute, but I very much hope I'll go.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

Massive headache and just waking up but wanted you to know, I'm cheering you on from the sidelines.