Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[sanmagic7]

sounds very positive, hope, on so many levels.  i think you're doing so much good for yourself - it's great. 

i love the idea that being in the present, learning to stay positive with it,  may need to supersede the idea of grief and loss at times.  that makes a lot of sense to me.

keep going, sweetie.  you sound stronger and more grounded.  love and hugs.

[Deep Blue]

Love and support to you always Hope. 

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses - I hope your massive headache has gone, and thank you so much for saying what you said, as that means a lot - thankyou 

Hi SanMagic - Thank you so much for validating me, and for saying I sound stronger and more grounded - I do feel stronger in the past few days.  I really hope I can hold onto that feeling, as I prefer it!  Love and hugs to you too 

Hi Deep Blue - your words touch my soul - you are a lovely person - thank you 

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Journal Entry on 15th October 2018
I am sitting here - and there are lots of things I think I could say, but somehow I find I can't say - it's almost like I don't know 'where to start' - I think it's because I was talking positively about the book on Dissociation, and had admitted how much I've struggled - and then people answered and talked in supportive ways, and you know - that touches my heart - because I haven't really felt as if people in the past have cared or wanted to be there - and it's a humbling thing when people show understanding.  True understanding.

I can't say more now, as I'm stumbling over my words. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

Whilst I think of it, I want to say that I am considering trying to do some drawing or maybe even some painting - because I feel like I could possibly express myself that way - and it would be helpful - I've been scared to do so, because I had read in Mary Bratton's book about how inner children would draw elements of their experiences - and that frightened me and many parts of me.  But I think what I'll do is maybe start by just expressing myself with some drawing - just enjoying that process, and maybe see how it feels.  Rather than think of drawing any emotional content - or anything that feels scary.


Trigger warning - mentioning CSA

For some reason, I think of when I was at a play-group - as a very young child, and the first drawing I did was of a big dark hairy spider - and I almost tried to frighten the 'teacher/play-group minder' with that drawing.  I told a friend of mine about that as an adult, and she commented that sometimes such drawings of spiders can represent CSA - I don't think she meant to make a direct link to me, but I was shocked at the time, and I minimised the situation - denying that anything like that had happened to me - but of course, I think it had. 


That same friend had also commented on how many of my letters to her, during times when we were geographically far away, had been very much like Enid Blyton type scenarios - and that makes me think of how Enid Blyton used to talk of enjoying Marmalade and Afternoon teas, and Adventures, and yet her life had been one of emotional pain - as I saw her biography once, and realised how much pain she had behind the scenes, and yet her stories were enjoyed by so many of us young children - wanting to enjoy the fairytales and Adventures and escape from our own inner turmoils and experiences.  I say this as an adult now, but I think as a child, I was literally bound up in the world of reading, and trying to escape - rather than being truly aware of anything.  So much so, that I shut down, and my eyes closed to things.  Fragmented.  That's a good way to describe it.


There's a big part of me that feels pathetic to write this - but I'm just going to leave it as it is.  I actually feel very sad - like I want to cry - tears are brimming from my eyes, and they feel sore.  But my partner is in the same room, and I don't want him to see me upset - so I'll hold them in.

I am glad to have written this - because somehow it helps to share these things here.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

I'm glad you are considering drawing.  Maybe you can reassure your littles that if the drawing gets scary you can stop?
My son is playing soccer.  Sometimes he doesn't want to go.  I tell him that we need to support his team and that if he feels shy or scared he can sit in my lap and cheer his team till he feels more brave and wants to play.  Sending you some love 

[sanmagic7]

i've heard that drawing/writing with your non-dominant hand can access child parts of you.  that may be something to keep in mind for the future.  i've been able to get out a lot of gunk thru drawing, scribbling, coloring, etc.  let yourself just be at your own pace, tho, ok?  i think you'll have less of a chance at being overwhelmed that way.

one thing i noticed about myself when i got a coloring book and crayons for an inner child exercise was how much rebellion came out for me, and how non-relaxing it was to do it.  i loved coloring books as a kid, but a couple of years ago i got one for myself, and i didn't like it at all in any soothing sense.

i almost always had the urge to scribble over the entire picture, or, if i did do some more common coloring, i'd choose colors that weren't conventional for what was represented.  like, i'd make a carrot blue, or a bunny green, stuff like that.  i wonder how much of that was a throwback to being completely straitlaced as a child.  it was interesting, to say the least.

i mentioned this because i think all kinds of things can come out when we get creative, exercise that part of our brain that doesn't always come into play during our lives.  i hope you share with us how it goes.  sending love and hugs, sweetie.

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy, Deep Blue & San Magic - thank you all for what you said here - you are all so encouraging and I appreciate that so much.  Thank you - each and every one of you - it means a lot.    

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Journal Entry on 16th October 2018
Today has been a bit 'full on' in many ways - and also quite emotional and 'up' and 'down' - but I feel that the day has been a good one - because I was able to get through a really anxiety provoking situation first thing - which had caused me to cry and get very emotional and upset - and which I realise was actually an EF involving my younger parts being very upset and anxious about some situations I am facing - which includes some of the appointments I've made for myself - I was really getting overly upset and catastrophising about one particular appointment - and I did end up talking to my partner about it, and he was incredibly helpful to me - he reminded me that I am in control in any interaction - and that I can do what I would like to do - rather than feel at the beck and call of someone else - and this has helped to have talked about it in this way, and I've managed to work out a plan of action as to how I can hopefully cope with the appointment and get through it somehow. 

The group situation I'm due to face later in the week is something I've nearly considered cancelling, but I am going to try to face it  - attend it, and see how it goes.  But I feel more anxious as that time approaches. 

Regarding my wish to do some drawing and maybe some painting, I've found some pencils and some paper - so I am 'ready'.  Drawing - that's the plan for sometime soon.  I feel very encouraged by what people have said - and also by the fact that being creative will hopefully be ok.

Last night in my sleep I dreamed that there was an extremely young child (who looked like I used to look in a photo when I was about 2 or 3 years of age), and it was like she was leaning very close to my face, and staring at me with very intense eyes and she was just looking intently at my face - I felt like I could see her - I saw her hair and her eyes and her face - and I felt like she was just looking at me - but she had leaned so close to my face, so she was nearly touching - almost forehead to forehead - she looked calm - she looked curious - as if she was looking at me and wondering about me.  So I felt ok - but I also felt fascinated to see her.  I wonder if she represents a physical manifestation of my inner child?  I don't know.  But she never said anything - purely looked and stared intently - but in a calm and steady way.  I felt she was 'curious' and I felt curious in response.  Calm and curious.

TW - mentioning emotions and themes accompanying those feelings that are quite physical in nature in this paragraph...
How do I feel at this moment?  I feel calmer, I feel like if I can get through these appointments - I will have achieved a lot - because they aren't easy for me.  I might talk more about them in the forum, but I'll see.  I'm aware that there's different parts of me that want to ask quite a few things currently - and yet I feel like I don't quite know how important each question is - maybe I should just go ahead and ask - but there's also parts of me that are reluctant to share - and infact are annoyed at me for having shared - but you know - I feel an over-riding wish to share here, as being silent and minimising things for so many years - it's not done me any good - I've been in denial, and now I feel I'm actually waking up - beginning to feel things - and that life is for living, and each and every part of me has a right to experience things and live a life - hopefully without feeling constant nagging guilt from FOO brain-washing - which has been 'cult-like' in its intensity and toxicity.  Truly dysfunctional - and has squashed my joie de vivre for life.  If I do a life review of my life - I have experienced many things, and done many things, but I have often felt guilty about my life - and bound by an umbilical cord that has been like a toxic leash around my neck.  (end of TW)...


Whilst I think of it, some things that came to mind for me today - were memories from my earlier childhood where I think I connected with some of the 'unseen' or 'shadow side' of my parts - i.e. I realised that some memories were such that I had done some things in my early childhood that weren't good things - that would have got me into a lot of trouble if I had been caught doing those things, and somehow I'd minimised the fact that I'd done those things - but when I tried to distance myself and think about what I might say if I'd known that a child I knew had done those things, I would have had compassion for that child, in that I would have understood that they felt the need to do those things out of desperation of some kind - I don't want to say what those things were, as I feel ashamed about it, but I think it's positive that snippets of those memories are trickling through my mind, and beginning to make sense as a form of narrative rather than as a fragmented snap-shot that doesn't make so much sense.

I guess that means that I'm re-processing some memories - and making some sense of them - and that feels like a good process, even if it's throwing up things that are abhorent or shaming to parts of me that have wanted to shut the door or close the hall-way on those memories.

I really didn't expect to write so much here, I am glad I came here to write today.

What I feel is that I achieved quite a lot today - in many ways, even though it felt such a tough day at first, and I wasn't sure how I was going to negotiate my way through it - I feel better to come through and review it at the end of the day.  Relieved. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

congrats to you, hope, for following thru on your wanting to write here and share.  i would guess that some of your littles are scared of what might happen if you break the silence, so they get upset, even angry.  i think that what you are doing as an adult, in a safe place like this forum, is showing them that they are not in the same toxic environment as before, that you are taking care and releasing the poison in a place where they will be safe.

we can only show our younger parts this safety by actually doing what you just did.  sending angel wings to embrace them all with warmth, care, and love. 

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic, I appreciate your lovely words, and I relate to what you said about my Littles - and that some of them have been upset and even angry - that I've broken my silence and begun to speak about things that happened in my past - and it makes a lot of sense that they would be worried and anxious and angry about that - as I do realise they've taken different roles throughout my life - maybe as Protectors (as Deep Blue mentioned about one of them) and as other roles.  I recognise them as parts of me - but I can also see how they are interacting with each other - and how there are conflicts between them in different situations - so whilst things happen in my daily life - moment to moment - I'm trying to process things from the different perspectives - to see why or how things are happening.  Sometimes I cope with that, and can separate things out, and sometimes I can't, and feel over-whelmed, or end up 'blending' with my Littles.  I can see that now.  Thank you, SanMagic - you are such a lovely and warm and caring woman - and I hope that the Angel Wings we rest on, will embrace us all. 

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Journal Entry on 17th October 2018
This week feels like a hike up a very big hill - with unexpected ravines and sometimes I feel out of my depth, but - at the same time, I think I'm getting 'new perspectives' and fresh views as I traverse this.  I also feel stronger in myself - at least part of the time - and a bit worried about that - at the same time.  Again, conflicting emotions about certain emotions and feelings. 

I keep wanting to 'open up' more - and write more things, but when I consider it - I feel 'resistance' - so I need to think about how to negotiate the wish to open up more - in this safe and helpful place, whilst placating the worried/anxious parts.

Right now, I am concerned about the group meeting I am due to attend - I am considering cancelling it.  This is a strong desire - to cancel it.  But at the same time I want to do it - well - I think there are good reasons to do it, but honestly - I probably don't really want to do it.  It's due to happen tomorrow evening - I have tonight and the daytime to consider what I'll do - whether to go, or not to go.  My partner mentioned something else that he was considering going to - happening on the same time as the thing I am dreading going to - but I know he's unlikely to go if I'm not with him.  But he doesn't want to go to the thing I am considering going to.  I am laughing now - as this seems a funny thing now.  Almost comical.  Which part of me thinks that's funny and comical - I don't know.

When I had a job, and 'had' to do things - I couldn't get out of them so much - and I felt obligated to do things, but now that I am no longer working, it's a whole different thing - I have more choice about how I spend my time - but with that, comes difficulty committing to things and facing things. 

I'll see how I feel tomorrow - and take it from there.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hope,
Sending you love and support no matter what you decide.  Your ability to notice and acknowledge your littles is amazing.  It really reflects your kind nature and your resilience as they each present themselves to you.

You are important to me and I just want you to know that 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue - Thank you so much for your wishing of love and support - regardless of what I decide - that means a lot.  You are also important to me -    Thank you also for what you said about my Littles - I do try to notice and acknowledge them - and whilst it's difficult sometimes, I am actually grateful to be able to finally acknowledge their presence and realise them for their function in my life.  I think without them, I would have struggled more than I have.  I just didn't/wasn't able to acknowledge them before, and felt as if it was somehow my personality that was quite 'strange' - but in view of a history of trauma and childhood stuff, I realise it's not unusual - and meeting everyone here - and beginning to talk about things - after many decades of keeping it within myself - it's something I wish that I'd faced and talked about many years back.  But when I think of opportunities to do that - there weren't really any at the time - for various reasons.  Anyway, I think you are a special person, Deep Blue, and I thank you for your support.   

Hi BeHea1thy - You are also special to me - and I feel I'm going to end up saying that to many people here - but it's true - I feel it, and it's meaningful to feel it.   Thank you for sharing your experiences of your "list" of transgressions - and I am so glad you were able to speak those out loud to someone in the way you did to your therapist - and that it helped you.  I have spoken of some of mine to my partner - and he hasn't judged me harshly - infact he spoke with compassion about it - and said it wasn't bad at all - but I guess I still carry a sense of shame about it - but I think I'm going to try to 'write about it' - and re-process it that way.  At least as a start.  I think I prefer your choice of word, in terms of talking about 'compassion' rather than 'forgiveness' because I feel that people often do things for reasons, and it's not necessarily for bad reasons - and therefore having compassion is possibly more important than a sense of forgiveness - because essentially is there actually anything 'to' forgive - I don't know.  I feel like I'm rambling a bit now - and ironically was just about to say 'please forgive me for rambling' - which has made me laugh out loud at the irony of just wondering if 'forgive' is an appropriate word for a transgression - and I end up apologising for rambling.   

BeHea1thy - what I'm trying to say is that I think it's really good that you were able to put that burden down, and let it go.  I hope to do the same with my stuff too - to put it down somewhere - after having a good look at it, and then trying to understand it, and just leave some of it behind completely.  That would be my hope about it.

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Journal entry on 18th October 2018
I made a decision about the group event I had signed up for - and that was that I cancelled it.  I thought about it carefully - and luckily my anxiety about it had risen and then fallen - and of course once I had cancelled it - it had completely gone - but the good thing is that I cancelled it because I 'wanted to' - because I decided that the whole situation was going to cause me more anxiety than I could actually cope with at the moment - and I need to conserve my energy to face other things that are coming up - as I have made a series of appointments that I need to try to keep - and I can see that having a group situation - that was just too much for me at the moment.

I had told one of my friends about it - and she had thought that I was worried about going out at night - and I wasn't honest with her about the real reasons - I told her I'd cancelled it today and I said that it was down to not wanting to go out in the dark.  I feel a bit of a coward to have said that - as really that's not the reason at all - so I've lied to her - but I think it's not a bad lie to have told.  I didn't want to explain more than that.

I do feel relief though - about not having to go. 

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Well done sweetie!
That's some good self care.  The fact that your anxiety stopped when you made the decision to cancel seems to me to indicate it was a good decision.

I wouldn't worry about the white lie you told your friend.  I think we all have chapters of our book that we don't need to read aloud.  You get to choose what you share with others.  You shouldn't feel guilty about it.

I'm proud of you

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue & BeHea1thy,
Your words brought tears of joy to my eyes, thank you.  I appreciate your replies, and thank you for validating my decision to 'choose' - and for what you both said.  It means a lot.      
Hope 

[Jdog]

 

[Hope67]

Thank you so much Jdog, and  to you.   

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Journal Entry on 21st October 2018
I've found this weekend to be a challenging one in many ways - but also one that has had some positive moments, and I'm grateful for those.  I've tried to have a mix of things in the weekend - and I started to de-clutter my wardrobe/closet space - and thought of BeHea1thy and the "Simplicity" book (which gave tips on doing this), and also I thought of Blueberry - who has also helped me to focus on such things.  Actually so many of you pop into my mind - regularly, and it feels like I have an 'inner family' - it gives me strength.  I was also thinking of Deep Blue and her walk - and that inspired me to go out and walk myself - and I enjoyed it.  Lovely to enjoy the air and it felt freeing.

Regarding my de-cluttering - it was tough - there are items in that wardrobe that I've tried to get rid of before, but which seem to stick with me like glue - it's not like I want to wear them again, it's just that they have been gifts or have some meaning - maybe that's how people who hoard things end up having such a hard time to get rid of anything.  But, I have now got a bag full of some clothes that I can take to charity shops - and I also have a friend who is a similar size to me, and I want to ensure she gets to see the clothes before I pass them on, incase she wants some.

There was a skirt that my M had given me - and part of me actually thought that I'd like to 'cut it/tear it up' - honestly - that was the thought - but another part said 'No, you can't do that, it's your M's skirt - she gave it to you'.  I told my partner about it, and he said 'You should cut it up' 'Why don't you' - I admit I can't.  This represents a couple of sides of me - who feel very differently about things - one is scared to do the action that the other clearly wants me to do.  Anyway I have kept it - I will consider another time what to do with it.

Then there was another item - a dress - which I had bought when I was earning quite a good amount of money, and I'd paid more for that dress than I'd ever paid before in my life - and a couple of my friends (at the time) had encouraged me to buy it by telling me I looked pretty in it - that it suited me etc.  That I was 'worth it' and should buy it - because I could afford it at the time, and why not.  I did buy it.  When I showed it to my FOO (parents) they were shocked at the cost, they also told me how it didn't suit me, how awful I looked in it - they made me feel ugly - I never felt comfortable to wear it - maybe I wore it once - but it's been in my wardrobe for 2 decades - there was a stain on it - I realised - looking close - but I put it on - and I thought to myself - this dress is mine, I bought it, and I can wear it - even if it's only in my bedroom occasionally - so I'll keep it - and that felt good. 

I was reading the Dissociation Treatment book - I found that if I write things in my 'workbook' (where I keep notes on my process and my issues), then I can do more work on processing things - and it's more successful that way.  I have been feeling over-whelmed by it - and last night in my sleep - I was dozing before sleep and thinking about connecting with my inner fragmented parts - and my partner told me that later in the night I was shouting 'Nooooo'   'Noooooo' - but I don't have any memory of shouting that.  I wonder what I was saying 'No' to.  It was in an emphatic way - he said.  But I think that's more positive than previous screaming or shouting out in fear and trepidation, which has happened in the past, and terror - there wasn't that same sound in the shouting - he said I sounded emphatic in what I said.  I hope that means there's a stronger part of me that is saying 'No' to whatever it is that was bothering that part.

Glad to have written this.  Somehow, as I write this, I feel more 'adult' in my whole self.  I don't often feel that way.
Hope