All this time... I thought it was just anxiety

[KJOHNS105]

I was just informed by my therapist that I have complex PTSD. This was our 2nd session and my first time with a therapist. I decided to get help after a year of torture, dealing with anxiety and panic attacks and now recently insomnia. It affects me so much that I cant work a full time job and I suffer with physical symptoms every single day from when I wake up to when I go to "sleep". Ive been through 2 very hard break ups in the last 4 years... The first one was hard only because we had children together, but the second one... The second one has me tossing and turning every single night. My therapist told me that I have PTSD from the father of my children (We'll just call him A). I knew I had some triggers from that horrible relationship, but the more she talks about him the more I realize I have more triggers than I really realize. From being screamed at, controlled, scared, being woken up from his drunken rampage, to being called names for 6 years... I am damaged. I thought that the reason why ive been struggling so long was from anxiety but I didn't know where that anxiety was coming from until now... I left my recent ex in January 2019 (We will call him B)... I blamed our relationship for my unhappiness and I left him. May be the worst mistake of my entire life, im still unsure. But now I live with guilt, uncertainty, and even worse anxiety than before. Just when I thought I had issues before, why not throw some PTSD in there... SMH. Well any way, I need help. I need support. I need to know that im not the only one stumbling on the daily. I have a long road of recovery and I try so hard to stay positive and focus on the brighter days... But im so scared. Im so scared that because of my decision to leave someone who meant the world to me, I will never find love again... But I shouldn't even be focused on that. For once in my life I need to focus on myself and let it all go... But I have such hopeless days... I feel very tired, very sad, and very lonely.

[Kizzie]

Welcome and a very warm and supportive welcome to OOTS KJohn.  I am so sorry you are feeling sad and tired and lonely. Finding out you have Complex PTSD is a shock for most of us, but right before the holidays is just that much harder.  For many of us, shock turns into relief as we begin to understand it's not us (crazy, weak, defective, shameful...), it's what happened to us, that we are injured versus mentally ill, and that there are more and better treatments being developed as mental heath professionals become more knowledgeable about CPTSD. 

I'm glad you found your way here and I hope you'll find the compassion and care many of us have, and that it helps you deal with all of this.     

Between therapy and talking here you have taken two very positive steps forward in recovery so bravo to you     

[Sunflower_Rising]

Hi KJOHNS105,

You're not alone. Sadly, although we all have our own histories, most of us can identify with your feelings. I struggled with depression and anxiety and a host of other things for decades. I saw countless psychiatrists and therapists, took lots of different medications (none helped), and not one of them ever asked about my homelife or mentioned PTSD. I found this forum just this week, and everything is only just now starting to make sense.

There's hope. Once you know what causes these things, you can start to address the causes instead of just medicating the symptoms or trying to "put on a happy face." You may even find, as I did, that everything started much earlier than you originally thought, even though you don't have clear memories (I've repressed most of mine).

It takes strength and courage, but you can recover. We all have the right to be well and have healthy, loving relationships. We deserve it and we're worth it. You deserve it, and you're worth it.

[Kizzie]

       (Well said Sunflower)

[pisces4eva]

Hi KJOHNS105,

You're not alone. Sadly, although we all have our own histories, most of us can identify with your feelings. I struggled with depression and anxiety and a host of other things for decades. I saw countless psychiatrists and therapists, took lots of different medications (none helped), and not one of them ever asked about my homelife or mentioned PTSD. I found this forum just this week, and everything is only just now starting to make sense.

Ditto it's like wearing a new pair of glasses - everything is crystal clear! (For better or for worse.)

I'm really sorry for your pain over the situation with your last relationship.  It's hard to live in regret while dealing with all the other symptoms you've been experiencing.

Take care.

[Nasturtium]

Hello KJOHNS105
I'm just wanting to send you hugs and strength. You're not alone in this. I think there's so much help now that C-PTSD has been named. I get a lot of help from the affirmations that Rebecca Mandeville shares on her Youtube Podcast, Beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse. I recorded myself saying the affirmations outloud and listen to them every day.

[Moondance]

Hi KJOHNS105,

A warm welcome to you. 

Your post really resonates with me in so many ways.

I found out or was diagnosed with CPTSD at 59 and have learnt more about CPTSD in the last 6 mths on this forum than the past 3 years.

Well they say that relational trauma is a big part of CPTSD and I so agree with that as I have struggled relationally for as long as I can remember. 

I hope you find all that you need and are looking for on this forum.

  if okay and if not please disregard.

[Kizzie]

Just so members know, this member posted only this in 2019 and has not returned to the site since then (you can see that if you click on his profile) so I am going to lock it. He may return at some point but for now he isn't coming on the site.