A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Bach]

I really want to die right now. This isn't a suicide thing. I'm safe and I'm not going to do anything. I'm just so tired from everything being so hard and hurting so much and from how much work it takes just to do the simplest things to get along in this world that I wish I could go to sleep all warm and snug and comfortable and just not ever have to wake up into this pain ever again.

I hope it's okay for me to say that. I read the guidelines and it says posts about wanting to commit suicide aren't allowed but again, that's not what this is. I don't want to commit suicide. Earlier today I wrote a post about wanting to self-harm and just writing it helped so I didn't post it, but the thought of not posting this makes it all hurt even more. So please forgive/edit/delete if this is improper but I just needed for someone to hear.

[Not Alone]

My dear Bach,
I understand wanting to have relief from all the pain. Sometimes it really does feel unbearable. Please know that I care about you and all the parts. You are not alone. You are precious and you are loved. 

[Snowdrop]

I understand that feeling too. I echo what Notalone says. You and your parts are precious and much loved. Here with you, and I care about you.

[sanmagic7]

hey, bach,

i get it, totally.  so very tired of the struggle, the battle, the neg. feelings.  i'm glad you were able to write.  we're here for you, sweetie.  please, take care of yourself as best you can.  just make it thru today.  glad you didn't SH, either.  sending love and a hug full of whatever gets you from one moment to the next - caring, support, knowing that you are heard, that you matter, you are valid and important. 

[Bach]

I wrote a post yesterday but it disappeared. Still not in a good state on the inside, although current circumstances force me to hide it. That is so very hard. I'm a lot better at it than I used to be. Yesterday was good but it took unbelievable amounts of effort. Fake it 'til you make it? I'll be home later today and hopefully being able to let down my guard and just be my miserable self will be enough of a relief and I won't take painkillers that will make me feel better for the evening but even worse tomorrow morning. Tomorrow, my birthday, on which I will be alone and uncelebrated. What, really, is there to celebrate anyway?

Friends, thank you as always for the support. I don't deserve it. I give nothing, just soak it up. I'm a worthless narcissist just like my mother, just like her mother. At least I stopped the cycle by not having children. I wish I was dead.

[sanmagic7]

dear bach, i'm sorry you're in so much pain.  i really am.  to my mind, tho, i don't believe you're a narc like your M.  she'd never post here, never admit her stuff, never share her vulnerability like you do.  i've had too many narcs in my life, like sister, husband, daughter, and therapist, and i've seen how they behave over and over, and it's not like you. 

even if you don't have the energy or wherewithal to to do anything but absorb right now, you did go out of your way to thank people for their support.  that's you, giving out something positive to the world around you.  narcs don't do that, not in any real way.  they'll do what they have to do to make the world think they're good people, wonderful people, exceptional people, sucking everyone dry around them.  you are someone in pain right now, and i want you to know that i hear you and that you matter.

and, of course, happy happy birthday!!!      there's your own little celebration!  it may not be much, but it comes from the heart.  i love birthdays, and always want to celebrate them.  so, just know that someone is partying for you on your day, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with birthday wishes and good cheer.

[Bach]

I just got home from a very difficult trip.  I was having a really good trip, but then I got triggered and although I dealt with the trigger well at the time it happened, I ended up in an excruciating semi-flashbacked state that provoked the past few days of frantic posts.

Notalone, Snowdrop and san, I can't thank you enough for your responses to these posts.     I was in a situation that was fraught with potential danger.  Having this forum and getting such understanding and caring responses enabled me to keep myself safe, and to keep enough control of the situation to prevent it from spiralling into the irrevocable nightmare territory that similar circumstances have produced in the past. 

Now that I'm home, I'm much calmer and more rational, but I am so tired.  So, so, so very, very tired.  Thank goodness tonight I can sleep in my own bed.  And thank goodness for all of you here    Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I'll figure out tomorrow tomorrow. 

[Not Alone]

It makes sense that you are really tired with all you have been through. I hope you get some good, peaceful rest.

I know you're not feeling good about your birthday, but I am glad you are here and I celebrate you. . . all of you. 

I don't deserve it. I give nothing, just soak it up. I'm a worthless narcissist just like my mother, just like her mother.

I don't know if you are still feeling like this, but it is not true. I have felt your care and received compassionate, thoughtful words from you on many occasions.

[Snowdrop]

I would like to send you fireworks to celebrate your birthday, and to celebrate you.

I'm glad you're here.

[sanmagic7]

glad you're home and safe, bach.  hope your birthday went well.  you deserve to be celebrated!

sending love and a hug filled with care, comfort, and support.  hang tough, ok?

[Bach]

Thank you all for the birthday wishes, but it's been a very rough day.   Something I didn't even mention was the unexpected appearance of my mother.  Yesterday morning before I got home, I checked my email on my phone and discovered that she had sent me an e-gift card for my birthday.  That was a mild surprise because although she always sends me some kind of greeting, her history with regard to giving gifts tends to be both inconsistent and inconsiderate.  I guess I thought that she wouldn't send a gift this year because of Thanksgiving when she tried and tried and tried to engage me somehow and I stayed neutral-polite, but, well, okay, e-gift certificate.  Her birthday is tomorrow, and I figured I would do what I always do when she sends a gift, which is send back an e-card thanking her for the gift and wishing her a happy birthday.  But then when I got home yesterday afternoon, I discovered that she had left a message on the answering machine for my home number on Friday after I had already gone away.  I used to always check my home phone messages from the road, but I hardly ever do it anymore because I get so few calls on that number that aren't junk.  She didn't say what she wanted, just asked me to call her back.  The thing is, my mother hasn't called me in years, even before I went very low contact with her. 

So anyway.  I was anxious wondering what she wanted, and had to think for a while how to respond.  I was certainly not going to call her, not then exhausted from my travelling, not ever, because, no, just no.  I have the letter I wrote her last year, but that was written in anticipation of a request to visit her, not just to give her a phone call, so not appropriate.  Finally, I sent her an email that thanked her for the gift, mentioned I'd been away, acknowledged receipt of her phone message, and told her that email is a better way to reach me these days.  I feel very strongly that that was the best response I could send, so i wasn't worried about that, but I was quite anxious wondering what she wanted and how or if she would respond.  Then I mentioned her message to my brother when he called this afternoon to wish me happy birthday, and he told me that when he saw her last week, she asked him how I was and he mentioned that I'd had some health problems this winter.  So, mystery solved.  She called me because she wanted to vulture on my health problems.  This took away the anxiety and replaced it with depression.  And My Person had to work late tonight.  So I've been alone self-medicating with food all day, which is pretty much the response I've had all my life to dealing with my mother even if it took me until 2014 to realise it.  I feel pretty terrible but I think I managed to stop just in time to have a prayer of getting some sleep tonight and not being too sick to do strength training in the morning.  Huzzar huzzar.  At least I'm not actively wishing I was dead anymore.  I cannot (expletive deleted) believe what a mess the past several days have been, but thank goodness I'm not feeling like that anymore. 

I wish Middle B would come out and draw.

[sanmagic7]

hey, bach,  maybe middle b is waiting in the background, waiting to feel safe and strong enough to come out and draw.  i think that you thinking about it is a sign of progress.

sorry about all the anxiety with your mom and everything.  i glad for you that you're not getting entangled, made the decision you made that you felt good about.  this foo stuff is so tricky, but it sounds like you're doing what you need to do to take care of you. 

as far as the food thing, that'll pass in its time.  i truly believe that as we keep healing, our old ways of comforting ourselves will begin to diminish because we'll find new ways, healthier ways to do so.  i'm glad you're not feeling like you were - hang tough, bach - hangin' right beside you!  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

  Finally, I sent her an email that thanked her for the gift, mentioned I'd been away, acknowledged receipt of her phone message, and told her that email is a better way to reach me these days. 

Fantastic and wise way to handle this situation. I know it was really hard to hear from her AND you dealt with it in a way that kept your boundaries. You didn't get sucked into her stuff. The ways that you dealt with your mom on Thanksgiving and your birthday; way to go. 

I completely understand eating to deal with feelings. That is an issue for me too.

Love to you, Middle B, and all. 

[Snowdrop]

I think you handled the situation really well.

[Bach]

I'm angry at my mother for not responding to my email.  I know I'm probably better off not hearing from her, but I'm angry because it feels so unfair that I'm still so vulnerable.  I never even actually spoke to her, and still she drove me to make myself ill.  I really want to write to her telling her that she should not ask my brother how I am, and if she wants to know how I am, she should email me.  Not that she ever would email me.  She knows that emailing me would give me power.

Middle B wants out, but she's really trapped in here.  She wants to draw and do crafts and create, but she's just too scared.  And Lizzy B wants to tell you all about her (our) special friend, but wow, would THAT be a complicated endeavour!

I love you, friends