Everything's an Emotional Trigger *TW*

[Phoebes]

I know I may have written about this recurring theme before. I just got back from a short trip to see a cousin and her family. We had fun doing some summer activities together, and then they were going on to other things- a vacation trip, camps, etc.

The thing that gave me the emotional flashbacks on this trip is just how involved and in tune they are with the kids. It occurred to  me as the time went on- THIS is how it's supposed to be. There is discipline and boundaries built in, but never said in a mean way. The kids may express unhappiness about it, but are not disrespectful. They are allowed to be kids, and are SEEN for their wants, needs and feelings.  They DO things, as a family- together, and have fun! Go figure.

I know we talk about this a lot in this community. I tried really hard not to be triggered, and I of course didn't mention any of my very opposite experiences. It was just rolling around in my head a lot- both what great parents they are, and how NONE of these elements of love, respect, attention, care and concern were or are part of my life, from either parent. I kept thinking I'm just having an EF. I understand. Just enjoy! No biggie! Just be happy I'm with them now and all is good! But it's like it still takes a toll. Wears me out.

What is a great experience and interaction with them triggers a really horrible one in a similar situation from my own childhood. It's almost never ending because any time I tried to express ANY thought or feeling I was shut down and often harshly punished. Often physically as well. I would not have dreamed of expressing myself as fully and as often as my little cousins rightfully do. But they are just expressing thoughts, feelings and needs of any child.  Most vacations were ruined by harsh words and punishments, accusations of my selfishness, but my Nm just went on like nothing happened. I guess another layer of understanding happened this week. A confirmation of how abusive my Nm was and how entitled she still thinks she is to have treated me that way.

The other EF of this trip was my cousin and I used to run together, both literal running and going out, and we met some really nice boys. We were similar other than our very different upbringing. She had more self-esteem and is more extroverted. She meets people easily. We met two boys who we spent time with over the course of a few days, and the one who I was with, I felt could be the "one." We were young- 23 maybe. But then, my Nm showed up on vacation (to her brother's in town) and we all met up for an outing of sorts. Somehow my Nm thought it appropriate to throw a tantrum at the thought of me and my cousin leaving to go out with these "boys." I was so co-dependent and trauma bonded, had such a rush of guilt and shame and adrenaline, that I told him I couldn't go, and that was that. Now I have a hard time with having done that. I made many decisions in younger life that changed the course of my life, based on appeasing my mother's rage. I can't help but remember this at my cousin's. I feel I have ruined every good chance I get. I have. It weighs heavy on me lately.

I know I have to get past this if I want to live a better life. I can't enjoy myself when I'm constantly fighting these memories and feelings and EF's. Life seemed easier when I had forgotten and was in denial. Everything is so raw now.

In addition, and here's where I'm struggling the most, people are falling away for different reasons in my life. For example-
*I scheduled to come back this week to dog sit, but they canceled and made up a story they were not going on vacation so they wouldn't need me, but now I see they are on a three week vacation, the same as I was originally set for. I was really counting on that money, but I wonder what made them cancel.
*A cousin who I consider a best friend is not speaking to me- long story but basically her H asked me point blank what we had done on a particular day, and I said we weren't together. You know, the truth. This is not the first time she has broken my boundary of not using my name as an alibi for "private" things she does, but now she apparently expected me to lie?
*Three of my long time "good" friends have drifted away because I am expected to do ALL of the calling, planning, texting, and organizing time. I have told them in conversation I would like our relationship efforts to be more 50/50, and there has been no change.I know I chose this type earlier in life.
*One of these said friends emailed me out of the blue (after 4 years) to ask if I would take on her animals in the case of an emergency (I guess she was filling out an adoption app), and I said no, I did not have that capacity now as a renter of a small space. I said it was good to hear from her and how was she- I didn't hear back.
*A very close friend who I felt unconditional love from died semi-recently, and I still feel I grieve for her- the unfairness of her passing, but also the absence of her friendship in my life. I am really feeling her absence and my grandmother's absence right now. They were my two supports.

It's like there are layers of EF's and betrayals, grief and isolation- how do I forget? Just be happy? Have fun? Make friends? Find support? Heal from these heavy burdens? I am feeling very alone aside from this community who I know is "out there", but I feel very isolated and alone in day to day life. I guess I'm rambling. I know there are resources here and I have already worked through quite a few. I guess I'm just feeling wiped out and triggered and lonely right now.

[Blueberry]

 

[Deep Blue]

Phoebes,
I feel you.  That grass is greener feeling is absolutely crushing.  Those ideas and feelings rolling around in your head for sure can take a toll.  I wanted to read your whole post, but I'm just not able to today.  I'll try again tomorrow.  Please take care of yourself, we are sitting with you 

[Phoebes]

Thanks you guys. I often don't realize how long my posts get before I click send. Sorry it's so long, rambly and trigger-y.

[sanmagic7]

sweetie,

i'm with you, lost a lot of people in a short period of time for one reason or another, ended up with only my d and this forum and a few email friends.  i also understand that feeling of seeing a different family dynamic from what i experienced, both for me and my d's, and it's a heart-stabber.

thanks for sharing.  please know that you're not alone with this.  it seems that a lot of us go thru a period of isolation.  i'm also in a new city, so i'm looking for ways to perhaps make some new connections since most of the old ones have dried up.  it's a painstaking process, takes time and patience.  i'm just sorry you're going thru this right now.  sending love and hugs your way.

[Phoebes]

Thanks so much, San. I hope you will connect with your people soon. It is difficult. I've been trying as well. I guess we are not as alone as we think. I live in a big city, too, and it's strange I find it hard to meet people.

[Deep Blue]

Phoebes,
I read through your post.  I'm sorry I think I accidentally implied it was long.  I meant to say that I was having a tough day and the words were getting jumbled in my head. 

It's so hard to look back at those times we didn't stand up against the narcissist in our lives.  But what choice did we have?  It became a survival instinct to go along with what they wanted and fear rocking the boat. 

I canceled plans, hurt myself, and did many things I'm not proud of, simply because I was under someone else's control. 

I'm in a similar boat right now in that I'm feeling alone.  My T asked me if I was in serious trouble... who would I call.  My answer was no one.  My friends have been whittled away and I hide emotions from everyone in my life.

At least we have this forum.  I know it's not the same, but we care about you and hopefully understand enough of the path you have walked to be of some help if needed.
Much love

[Phoebes]

Thank you Deep Blue- it seems like you truly get it, and for that I'm truly sorry you've gone through this too. I wish my writing was more concise. I tend to ramble in free-flow form, which I'm sure is hard to follow.

I have a procedure coming up. They said I need to have a loved one bring me so they can be here and then take me home. Apparently I likely wont be able to being myself. This led me to realize there is no one in my life to help me with things like this. I could go on about a couple of nightmare experiences with surgery and my Nm in the past, but I'm sure you can imagine.

I feel ok about it. I may just bring myself and let the anesthesia wear off. How bad could it be?

I'm truly grateful for this forum and the shared responses that help feel we are not alone. Much love.

[Deep Blue]

Phoebes
We all ramble here.  It was honestly me and not you.  What you wrote made perfect sense.  I had just come from out of a depersonalized state that lasted about 5 days. I was still trying to make sense of the fog around me.

The procedure does sound like something you would want a loved one to help with.  I wish I was there and could drive you home.  I'm there in spirit with you k?

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Deep Blue. I really appreciate you.