It's making sense

[Contessa]

Not out of anger, fear, loneliness or anything that has gone wrong now.

Pure objective logic, it just feels like I'm not really meant to be anywhere in this life

[radical]

Meant by who?

I can't think of anything more subjective than whether we have a place, a point and a role in this world.

I know how the pain of feeling not belonging or fitting-in  and not finding a place that feels like I was "meant" to occupy.  But now that feeling has evolved into an uncomfortable freedom, a knowing that this is the truth, was always the truth, that familiarity was a trap for me, and escaping from that trap means moving into not knowing, and that is really hard.  But it has the advantage of unexpected rewards and depths that were never possible because I needed to see and understand differently - to change.

Contessa, I believe you are further forward than you realise.  Losing your bearings is a bit like needing to leave the bank to cross a river, to get to the other side.  I can't say that our journeys are the same, or are taking us to the same place, but I believe that continuing on with the path you are on will start to make an unfamiliar kind of sense soon, and you will know you were meant to move, that this is about changing, and you will be so glad that you didn't find a place to stay the same.

sending love

[Blueberry]

Contessa, I'm going to echo radical: "Meant by who??"

Sounds to me like the kind of logic that turns up in my really bad EFs. A voice of 'logic' from the past, from times of severe abuse.

I care about you. Others on this forum care about you. We're glad you're on this forum (sad you need it of course...). If you didn't exist, you couldn't be on the forum. So please continue to exist! You contribute on the forum. I'm sure you contribute in many meaningful ways irl, even if you struggle as do we all on this forum.

[radical]

Dear Contessa
I regret that I didn't acknowledge how you must be feeling. I let you down and I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.
I believe in you.  Your voice has meant so much to me at OOTS.  I see you as wonderful and wise.
But you were expressing suffering and feeling lost (if I read you right).  I know how that feels for me.  I'm really sorry I failed to respond to your feelings.  I care about you, you've been on my mind.  I wish I could do something to make this easier for you,  I wish I could be with you and maybe provide some reassurance.

Sending love across the ditch

[Contessa]

My loved ones who dessert me when I start to improve, and have been nowhere to be seen when I need them. Again.

My loved ones who I finally found after years of battling, after my family abandoned me.

I need my loved ones in the good times, not just the bad. Now they are not even talking to me in the bad.

I didn't ask for or want any of this and I don't know whybit keeps happening

[radical]

I'm so sorry, Contessa.

This must hurt so much.  It is a betrayal and the pain of betrayal is like no other.
I don't know why, but this seems to be a part of the way it goes for people like us.  But like a reading a book it is just where you are up to in life right now.  Please remember it is not the whole story    Please hold fast and believe in yourself and your future.  Being able to find a way to do so at times like this takes huge strength of will, I know, but you are worth investing all your strength and courage.  If you can't find it right now, I know you will find a way, so just be as kind as you can to yurself.

Also, I don't know why, but i know the world needs people like us, it needs you and me with our raw pain, somehow, for some reason.


Wishing you peace

[Contessa]

I'm feeling more peace now in the last hour or so.

Was this a flashback? I think it was?
My support did fail me.

[Blueberry]

The response I wanted to put on your Symptoms thread but can't because mentioning SI:

It sounds very likely to have been an EF. Remember I wrote this "Sounds to me like the kind of logic that turns up in my really bad EFs. A voice of 'logic' from the past, from times of severe abuse." Even if something irl in the present triggered that and was a real problem. The incredibly frightening reaction that you got and I used to get regularily are a bit over the top, the way EFs are. I don't mean that disparagingly but EFs do tend to make me react in a way that might not be appropriate to the present, real-life situation.

I used to regularly have this inner voice (ICr.?) telling me that the best thing I could do for myself was commit suicide. I was very unnerved and frightened by this before I had any real idea about EFs. I didn't intend to actually do so but it is definitely not pleasant having that voice. I'm not psychotic or schizophrenic btw. It was just a trauma response.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now. 

[Contessa]

Yes you did mention EF Blueberry sorry. I scrolled through the posts again but did not pick it up. Very rattled.

I had several triggers in the lead up. Calling up my strategies ended in failure, but there were definitely a few at several turns. I will write them down tomorrow.

[Blueberry]

No need to apologise, especially since you're still rattled. I sometimes look for something much bigger than a word and don't find it though right under my nose. I know that happens to people supposedly, but in my case it's an EF.

If calling up your strategies usually works and didn't this time then ime that's a massive EF and/or things going deeper. In my case usually when I'm blind-sided by painful realisations (e.g. FOO really is that bad).

Do you have any strategies for de-rattling yourself? I guess probably calming techniques? Or just some self-care of some sort?

[Contessa]

My support was to reach out to friends and keep up there. I need people in my life, specifically friends. And I need outings to look forward to if not with them, but to have them to talk about with later.

However, I tried for three months to keep up with friends. One friend suddenly, and quite abruptly, dumped me when I was starting to thrive again (they have bpd), and another always cancels on me, and another was never reliably available at our predetermined weekly scheduled time of availability for three months.

One such time I we were meant to meet after an appointment of mine, I received bad news and just needed to see my friend as diversion and a pep up... and it fell through yet again! It stewed in my head all day and I was a mess by dinner time. Three months.

My strategy used to be listening to music to de-rattle. Particularly my LP's. But they were hacked up by an abuser while I was working through another trauma, and so my de-rattler became another trauma. Then my family abused me for being traumatised...

Oh dear. So no. Calming self care only works when I have my social support in the mix. If I haven't had some social time, no amount of solitary self soothing works. If that makes sense.

[Contessa]

I also realised - given my siblings complete neglect and outright abuse toward me when these things happened - that I was mistreated, scapegoated, manipulated and undermined by one of them in particular, for years.

I also spent about two weeks with my parents in a setting where their behaviour triggered a number of distressing memories from my childhood. My father was terrorising my nephew for sport, and my poor nephew was in survival mode, physically sticking to me for protection when screaming at my father (me, him and my sister) to stop. But he doesn't stop.

My beautiful nephew is developing dysfunctional behaviour as a defense.

I remembered how distressing and debilitating it was growing up in my family. My siblings and I all had it really hard. I had no idea back then that I was also the scapegoat as I know I was when getting older, and am most certainly am now.

My efforts to come into my own and flourish as an adult were always undermined and sabbotaged by one of my sisters: friends, boyfriends, career, ... oh my gosh I just remembered why I chose a career I didn't really want to go into, why I felt I was too stupid to do another, and why when I eventually did pursue that career (with accolates) that I ultimately failed in it

Oh my gosh.... I got too confident in myself. I began to thrive, and pursued what I wanted forgetting the pieces of sabbotage were already in play. I was never going to succeed with my goals.
I was never going to get the man I was in love with. I was never going to keep my friends. I was never going to get my dream job. I was never going to expand my circle.

*TW*

I dared to assert myself. I knew I was never going to have the backup and support I needed, but I thought I was strong enough not to be undermined any more. Of course the man I loved didn't respect me. Of course I was raped over and over. Of course I was assaulted by my flatmate. Of course I didn't get that job. Or that other one either. It was never going to happen.

I was supposed to sit in the background of my own life. That's where I was supposed to be. By daring to assert my worth, I brought my miscarriage, my rapes, my assualts, my abuses, my career failings, and my loss of friends on myself.

That's what went wrong with my life... in their manipulative, undermining and scapegoating eyes.

[Contessa]

So... quite a lot has poured out.

[radical]

There's a lot in there to let out.
I wish people had been kinder and life had been easier.
I'm proably not much use but I want you to know I hear you and I care.

[Contessa]

Yeah it's okay rad.

All I remember at the time was doing my best with the weird hands being dealt, and swallowing the upset.

I remember it was stressful dealing with each episode, but was confident that I had control of my reactions. I would eventually reap the rewards of taking the high road, but I did not.

The undermining was so great that I crashed instead of succeeded. They still flourish, no reward for me yet.