Support needed

[Rophiesoss]

Hi , I'm Sophie and I am new here. I've recently been diagnosed with C-ptsd after a lifetime as the family scapegoat. I left my narcissistic mother and the rest of the family over a year ago and went no contact.
Recently everything is worsening. It's like each day there is a new layer to the * that is my life.
I'm on holiday at the moment in Italy and to be honest I think I have hit crisis point.
I feel as though all the tears I never let myself cry as a child are coming now. I feel so hopeless and withdrawn from humanity that I feel like everyone looks at me and can see I am broken. It's hit me this week just how very alone in this world I am, how little I have to live for and how much I desperately want to just stop this pain.
I am 26 years old, a nurse who no longer feels any good at her job. I am in a relationship but things are very rocky for us at the moment and I don't feel as though I can turn to him. I haven't touched, kissed or cuddled any of my loved ones in over a year. I have isolated myself to the point I don't have anyone I feel I can call on.

I am probably making no sense anymore and haven't even explained what my situation even is but basically in summary
I feel so alone that it feels like it's a physical sensation.
I cannot cope in social situations and being around people who expect you to "get on with it"
I keep having flashbacks that I can't seem to snap out of
My mind is over run with this horrible commentary on how terrible my whole life is and what a horrible, fat, worthless person I am.
I feel as though this suicidal ideation I have struggled with is turning into something more sinister.
And worst of all, the thing that has brought all of this to a head is I am currently in Italy without my pets (who tend to be my only comfort in life) playing happy families with my partners sister and her family. I feel like screaming and even when i say I'm having a bad day, i can't cope to my partner he just doesn't recognise that every day is a bad day and for me to actually come out and say it I am on the verge of meltdown. He just expects you to be able to carry on. I cant.

Sorry for novel

Please help me find a way to get through this
S x

[Finding My Voice]

Welcome!

I understand how you feel. You're definitely not alone in the things you are dealing with. If you haven't seen Pete Walker's website, http://pete-walker.com that's a good place to start, it helped me a lot in dealing with emotional flashbacks.

[Rophiesoss]

Thankyou Finding my voice
I have Pete walkers book at home which I have read around half of. Unfortunately I just feel like despite all of the reading if done around narcissistic mothers, scapegoats, C-ptsd ECT goes out of the window when i am like this.

I can't seem to find a handle
to grasp onto this week.
May I ask a question  and if it's too personal please down feel obliged to answer.

Did you continue to work and function in employment when trying to start the journey of healing from this?

[Finding My Voice]

When I started therapy, I was working one day a week. After a year I convinced my husband to let me quit. Since then it's been one thing after another, either me dealing with/working on my issues or my child having issues. I have days where I can function pretty normally and other days where I don't do much. There has been definite improvement in my life overall, though. My current therapist can tell that I've done a lot of work.

[radical]

This is such a hard and painful place to be.

I know I've lived through my version of what you are describing and some similar version seems to be almost a rite of passage in recovering from CPTSD.  It sounds like you are doing incredibly well in extremely difficult circumstances.  I don't have time for a longer reply but I want you to know that your post touched my heart because I've been there.


Please don't believe the cruel words in your mind that are telling you that you are worthless.  In fact you have been so courageous that you are proving the very opposite of those words.

[Rophiesoss]

Finding my voice, this is exactly where I am at. I work 3 days a week and I am struggling to cope with it when home, it is really making me so much more on edge. By the time I get home from a shift I feel like I can't even speak I am so tired and emotional from keeping everything in all day. I think I'll look into cutting hours or leaving completely. Thankyou for your support and help, i am glad to hear you are seeing an improvement in your life and I wish you all the best for the rest of your journey.

Radical, thankyou for your kind words. As I am sure you know from your own journey I find it hard to believe anything positive at the moment. I will however try to battle this inner critic a little more. Sorry to hear you've been through this * too. Take care of yourself