Feeling stuck, literally my brain stops working?

[KimberLee]

Hello, new here! I'm certain that I have CPTSD among other things that have been diagnosed with.  Upon getting older and learning it's clear it stems from the trauma as a child that has not stopped as I married a narcissist. It wasn't until I stopped using alcohol to escape and numb myself that I realized all of this and that I lve been abused verbally and mentally since I can remember by people that should be the closest to me.
Anyway, I have never gotten real help. Not that I haven't tried because oh trust me, I've been through many doctors. Problem was none of them seemed to understand me or my problems because I either didn't realize the real problem, they didn't know enough about trauma or the lack of support just made me not go back.

Fast forward many years of more narcissist abuse, I'm at the point where I know that my husband is a narcissist of some sort and has been lying to me for years and also now realize that my narc mother and sister and possibly him included have all been backstabbing me either together or not but this all just came about within the past few years that they have all been gaslighting me constantly and I am to the point of rage and scaring myself.
But the main problem now is, I just can't think to leave and fix my life. I try and have somewhat of a plan, but then I don't know what happens. I just can't think. I can't remember what I was doing, I can't seem to figure out why im so upset and if I'm over reacting. The plans that I know I need to follow through with for my in good just seem to disappear when I'm at my strongest and smartest point. It's right in the middle of me trying to actively help myself and my situation and it's like a light bulb burns out and I have no idea of what to do. I feel helpless and confused. I get mad at myself that I can't even think straight for one day to get myself together. The thoughts of things that I know I need to do, people I need to talk to (and not talk to), help I need to ask for, and care I need to show myself just vanish and I honestly normally end up shopping. Which I know is a way I've always soothed myself. luckily I enjoy browsing clearance racks and that can take up a lot of time, so I end up zoning out into shopping when I should be bettering my life and trying. My brain seems to not allow me to move on. It's so confusing...I need to get a job, I know this...yet I don't. I don't even have ambition to do ANYTHING anymore. How can one get help like this? I can't seem to even get to a Dr and actually remember why I was there exactly. My brain just shuts off. How can I get help when my brain seems to have a secret vault that hides the bad things that I don't want to think about and doesn't allow that part to come out when that's the part I need the most. So, I end up talking to a Dr about something else when there are actually dozens of things that are severely affecting me that I can't remember or think about when needed.
I feel like I will never be able to thrive again. My brain just stops and doesn't allow it anymore. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, kim, and welcome.  very glad you're here.

that confusing 'stuck' place can be horrible to attempt to maneuver and manage.  been there several times.  i think some of what's helped me the most to get my feet moving forward has been writing.  i've found a lot of clarification and realizations that way, which has cleared my mind and allowed me to begin doing what i need to do.

may i suggest that if you go to a doc that you make a list first of what you need to talk about.  i know this has helped a lot of people.  perhaps there is also someone who can go with you that knows what you're going thru and can give you support while you're there.  also, it sounds like you're overwhelmed at the moment.  maybe focusing on one small thing at a time, accomplishing that, then move on to the next thing will be helpful in getting you unstuck.

i've only found out the extent of my abuse and abusers a few years ago as well, and posting on this forum has been life-changing for me.  i hope you can also find help and support here.  you made a courageous first step with this post, and i hope you will continue.  we're here for you.  sending love and a warm hug if it's ok with you.