New and a little nervous! Possible trigger warning.

[Karma]

Hi! My name is Karma. I'm very new to forums of any kind so this is kinda scary. I guess I should tell you a bit about myself.

I'm 18, I'm a girl, and I live in an abusive home situation- my father is emotionally/verbally abusive. I wish I could move out but I do not have the resources to do so yet. It is incredibly stressful for me and I often feel like I will never be able to move out. I am afraid every day of my father going from the 'nice dad' to the 'mean dad' and yelling at me or hurting my possessions. I have a very low self esteem and self image because of internalizing his words. I also have a history of being in abusive relationships/friendships. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd a week ago and I feel very alone in it, so I am hoping to get and give connection and support here. I am struggling with a few mental health issues right now, the most prominent being depression, tourette syndrome, anxiety, an eating disorder, and of course cptsd. I have a professional  treatment team.

I enjoy writing, reading, photography, and being outdoors with friends.  I am a very positive and loving person, a bit of a contradiction becauseI am depressed! I am trying to understand myself and recover, and this looked  like a really good place to start.

It's nice to meet you.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Karma    I'm sure you do feel very alone right now but the good thing is that you have reached out (and that's a BIG step so  ). In doing so you now have a lot more people besides your treatment team.  And we "get it," what's it like to have CPTSD from the inside out. It's often hard to make that first post but you did it and hopefully as you read through some of the forums you'll get to feel a lot more comfortable about posting. 

It took years for me to understand and accept that my family of origin was/is abusive, but you seem to know that clearly and that's another big step forward in recovery. Too often those of us with CPTSD blame and shame ourselves instead of putting the responsibility where it belongs, on the people who traumatized us. 

Once you feel comfortable perhaps you can tell us a bit more about yourself and your situation.  In the meantime, you may want to check out this site   by Pete Walker who is a therapist and has CPTSD himself (http://www.pete-walker.com/) so he sees things from the inside out and the outside in so to speak and many of us really relate to what he writes. 

So glad you found your way here 

 

[C.]

Welcome Karma,

I am sorry about your experiences with your father.  No one, least of all a child, should experience pain brought on by a parent.  My father was verbally and emotionally abusive.  He would "throw away" things and sometimes throw them.  I just share this to say I understand.  I remember coming home from school each day and "reading" his body language to see if he was in a "good" or "bad" mood, then adjusting myself accordingly.  And bracing myself for the inevitable hurtful behavior during the "bad" moods.

I like how you wrote your experience, your interests and getting to know yourself.

You are not alone and have come to the right place.  I trust that you will begin to find hope and healing in this forum.

Welcome!

I hope hugs are ok?