New Here...Struggling

[firefaerie]

I'm not sure where to start. I have severe C-PTSD from childhood due to sexual, emotional and mental abuse/trauma. My biggest abuser, my mom, passed away almost a year ago.

Four months ago I left an abusive relationship and have been living alone with my 15 year old son. My ex was an alcoholic and I picked up on a lot of his behaviors.

Now I'm closing in on the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death and I've been drinking a lot and having really bad panic attacks, along with severe flashbacks to her death (which was very traumatic).

I'm just really overwhelmed and need some support. Thank you.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, firefaerie 

[Deep Blue]

Welcome to the forum firefaerie,

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling.  Many of us find the courage to make our first post or join the forum when we need help.

You came to the right place.  I have a yearly anniversary that I struggle with every year.  It can be debilitating.  Rest assured the people here are kind and hopefully we can offer you some compassion if you struggle

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi fire faerie
Sorry to hear your having this difficult time... If u go to Pete walkers website there are 13 steps to flashback management which I've found helpful.
Drinking for me always felt it helped but in hindsight it really didn't and made my mental state and anxiety worse. Im now 8 yrs sober.. You could visit aa website and look at the resources see if it relates to you..

Learning how to regulate breath is an important one to and doing some mindfulness or meditatation
Do u have any self care tools that you find or have found in the past helpful..

[Londongal]

Hi fire faerie,

I'm new here too and wanted to say welcome.

I'd like to second that the suggestions in Pete Walkers book are incredibly helpful. If you don't have the book, you can find pdf extracts on Google.

Best wishes 

[Kizzie]

Hi FireFaerie and a warm welcome to OOTS     I can well imagine you are having difficulty given two important relationships have ended in the past year.

I had a similar flare-up four years ago in that my H was finishing up a work contract on one coast for 9 months while I was alone on the other in a new and very small community.  I began drinking really heavily because I felt so incredibly vulnerable and alone. I never drank much at all before this, but got into it because it was the only way I could cope; it numbed the pain, fear and anxiety. But then it became the problem. 

When I'd finally had enough I reached out to my doctor,  told her what was going on and she referred me to a psychiatrist and an addictions counselor. With their help I have been sober for four years now and don't crave alcohol thankfully partly because I have other coping mechanisms to deal with the panic attacks now.  Have you got a GP and would you be okay telling them what's going on?

For me part of the  answer was medication which I'm not recommending but it is something you might want to talk about with your GP.  It brought down all my symptoms to a more manageable level so I could learn other strategies for dealing with them. 

I personally didn't go to AA because I had a problem with some aspects of the program but it has helped many people begin to finally talk about the underlying reasons they are drinking, what it is that has led them to have panic attacks and so on.  It's a resource to consider perhaps.

And of course there is here - everyone here just gets it and that can be a real relief to know you can say pretty much anything and no-one will judge.  You're more likely to get "I feel that way too" responses.

I hope this is helpful