I understand why people do it and it really scares me

[mourningme]

The hardest thing about all of this is the realization that this is it. This is who I am and how I am and even though I want to, I will never not feel the way I feel.   If I live to be an elderly person I have at least 40 more years of this pain. 40 more years of this "coping" and "pain management" and learning how to deal with this disorder that was put upon me as an innocent child. 

Thats a long time.

I know why people do it because they know, like I know, they can -do anything -achieve anything-create a new life-
But they will never not have this reality inside their mind and body.

[Kizzie]

I hear you mourningme, it's something I've been thinking about too lately - how long I have still to go on with this pain, fear, anger .... and it is scary. 

I've come to the conclusion that those of us with CPTSD need quicker, more effective treatments than talk therapy that can go on (and on and on) or mere pain management techniques.  E.g., neurofeedback which helps more of the brain to kick in and be accessible for dealing with the trauma; EMDR provided it is specifically for Complex PTSD and the practitioner knows what they are doing; and/or MDMA assisted psychotherapy which taps into the nurturing/compassionate side of us that we often can't get to easily (not legal just yet but right around the corner from the sounds of it).

I guess what I'm saying is I am discouraged too but I try to counterbalance that with the fact there do appear to be better treatments coming available that will help us rise out of the trauma.  Complex PTSD only just recently came to the attention of mental health professionals in the last decade or so and it takes time to figure out treatment approaches, but I am reading more and more about promising new treatments.   

I hope this helps even just a little MM 

[Deep Blue]

I care about you both 

I've had those thoughts many many times as well.  I've also had days when I take a look around and am happy for my immediate reality. 

If I ever acted on the dark thoughts, no new good memories would ever be possible.  So I search for good moments as best I can.

Much love

[Contessa]

Hearing you Sceal.
I'm in a very distressed dark place right now, struggling hard.
Can't say anything without extreme emotion behind it.
But am currently empathising too well with this sentiment

[Andyman73]

Same goes for me, as well. Those thoughts live in my head constantly.

[the mirliton]

mourningme and everyone else who has joined in this conversation of understanding what it feels like to be weary of the journey. I find myself in that dark space much too often as well, and it is not a subject that is easily shared and/or understood by others. I lived on an island in Alaska for some time and one of the challenges was being able to actually fly in to or leave. Kodiak would often get "socked in" (our expression for no sun and some massively thick low cloud cover) It was beyond frustrating knowing that planes could neither come or go and that above the dense cloud cover there was a sun. It could go on for weeks.  Being "socked in". I liken my darker thoughts to that. A small part of me knows that the sun is still out there...somewhere... but in the meantime all one can do is hunker down and wait it out.