Emotional Flashbacks, Alternate Realities, and "Surfacing"

[Milarepa]

I had a really awful EF last Saturday that was triggered by a conversation my husband and I were having about money. The acute phase lasted about 18 hours, and I was coming out of it pretty well by Sunday night. Then Monday morning, the teacher whose classroom I volunteer in had a full-on psychotic break (or maybe a manic episode?) I was at ground zero the whole time trying to manage him, keep him away from kids, and generally doing the job of the school administration since several of them had their heads up their asses the whole time. It was pretty traumatizing and I think it took a lot out of me and set me back on my recovery.

It seems to me that the long tail of an EF can sometimes last a long time past the acute phase when the world feels totally distorted and awful, and that events that happen during the "long tail" phase (like my experience this week) can really impact the outcome. The distortions of reality in the "long tail" phase are much subtler, but you find yourself falling back into really unhealthy patterns of behavior (mine: fawn response, constant flight energy) and it takes awhile to recognize that you're doing that.

I feel that, over the course of many years, I've been slowly "surfacing" from the depths of a warped alternate reality where the rules were designed to break me down. Just when I think I've reached the surface and orient to what reality feels like now, I realize that I'm still swimming upward. It's like waking up from a dream within a dream within a dream. Recovering from an EF feels like that, too; except intensified.

Does anyone else experience this? How long does the "acute" phase of an EF last for you? What about the "long tail?" When do you know you're fully back in the boat? How can you tell you're still out of the boat?

[schrödinger's cat]

That's a very good question. I've only recently begun to realize that I have EFs at all, and even more recent is the discovery that I still feel raw after the EF is over.

The "dream within a dream" metaphor is excellent. Like that movie Inception? With the lowest level being a kind of Limbo where you even forget that there is a real reality in the first place.

There definitely is a long tail, that's safe to say. Not sure how long it lasts. Just that it lasts far longer than I'm aware of. By this, I mean that even when I'm feeling good again and when I'm not noticing any bad things, I'm still more vulnerable. Like dealing with a physical injury to a bone or a joint: even when you're free of pain and able to walk, it's not a good idea to pole-vault or get run over by a bicycle. And THAT is what I find annoying. When will I ever be sure that I can expect a normal amount of stress-proof-ness of myself? I'm constantly having to feel my mental pulse: "Am I doing okay? Am I okay now? How about now? Still okay?" Bah. But eh, it's still better than being stuck in CPTSD Limbo.

My long tail is mostly reduced energy, loss of motivation, social anxiety, social hypervigilance, general unease, general tendency to worry, feeling uneasy in my own skin, feeling not safe, losing my ability to take joy in things. Surprisingly, what helps me get out of that is anger. The good, clean kind, the kind where you're cheesed off about the injustice or tragedy of a situation while seeing the people involved in a balanced, fair, and grown-up way, NOT the toddler kind where you're sulking and blaming all your woes on a specific person.

Sorry to hear about that incident, Mila. Good that you were on the spot to protect those kids. At least you could make sure that they don't have the kind of * no-grown-up-will-ever-help-me memories that we have. You're a hero. It's not unheard of for people to just say "oh, I can't cope" and then head away - and those are non-traumatized people. So what you did was great. It's sad that you're paying such a price for it.    All the best for you, and I hope that things will be easier for you soon.