Woodsgnome's New Life Journal

[Three Roses]

Whatever the name, they view it as purely medical, but I see more beyond that surface appearance. Deep in my being this stuff erupts periodically. It hurts in ways no medication can reach, trapping all the senses that are felt with each movement (the body keeps the score). No denial or logic seems able to withstand the onslaught.

I relate to this very strongly. We need better treatments! I believe that we can experience healing, but present-day approaches fall way, way too short.

Let's go for a walk in the woods together and see what treasures we can find.  Bring your camera. ☺ You're all invited!

[Hope67]

I don't know what to make of that. All I know is it feels lonely to be like this. I'm used to and even sought my solitary way of living but this loneliness on top can crush even the noblest intent. Somewhere there's light to be shed on these moments. But actively searching for it? No, experience tells me I'm in a storm, that I've been there before, and while all storms diminish they're fierce and unwelcome travail. Telling myself that it's all temporary doesn't quell the storm, just creates an illusion, because in this moment the storm swirls on at its own pace.

Hi Woodsgnome,
I know you're feeling lonely to be like this at the moment - but you also spoke of there being light to be shed on these moments, and although you're feeling like you're in a storm right now, I hope you'll feel some protection from the harsh winds and rain with a protective coat, and whatever might help to give you the protection and strength - and I hope that the storm won't swirl too long - and you have some peace and respite from it -  to you, if that's ok.
Hope 

[woodsgnome]

I recently rediscovered something I've experienced before. Sadly, it isn't a cure or even a partial healing from the left-over anxiety that seems to run my life, even on a wonderfully serene day. I'm perfectly alone in nature here; just where I always wanted to be, but still anxious.

Go figure--no, don't...there's no sense to it; the journey is pathless. Enduring this wilderness becomes the ultimate survival skill.

I've had a horrendous few months, predictably tied to the moon cycles (I never used to believe this); but also to the sudden reversal of recovery from a surgical procedure performed last year. The latter resulted in excruciating physical pain, while the former led me emotionally to the brink of ending it all. The details are too grisly to dwell on, an almost expected consequence of suffering from the living remnants of a misdirected youth who never found solid ground.

Navigating the cycles of the moon isn't new, nor is it truly what seems to have flipped my anxiety this time. But something unexpected, and inspiring, experience within the last days, preceding a cathartic followup at yesterday's therapy session--well, something seems to have indeed flipped forward, taking me ever further from the damage towards....

All that seems ultimately different is, however...nothing. Using an action term, it involves my falling into a way of rest. At its simplest, this may have started only by reaching bottom emotionally and physically. Unexpectedly, as I thought I was "doing well" in December and crashing since then.

True shift or not, I hope it's the ultimate letting go, if that makes sense. I've lived with this cptsd aftermath so long I've given up true hope of righting the old ship. Instead I need to be designing and building an entirely new sea-worthy craft, with a little cabin reserved for the old horror show. Or something akin to it, as truly ditching all those old pangs doesn't seem possible. It would be nice but alas, I'm also tied up in fear that nice doesn't always exist for me without accompanying suspicion. It's hard when this becomes one's normal, but it did. I may be more aware of it now, but not sure that truly makes a difference when the distrust of niceties started early.

The wonder is more that I have indeed made it this far past those times, which in retrospect bear all the torments of feeling like I was trapped in a cavern full of twisty, creepy walls leading only to dead-ends or worse, switchbacks to previous horrific episodes. At least I've found one route out, and on days like today seem worth the pangs it took to arrive here; despite the mental and bodily aches that always ride along wherever I am.

The only sure road to achieving bliss would involve no more memories. Wrong! A sure way forward. Wrong! As it says in this journal's title--Woodsgnome's New Life. Wrong! Memories will ride along, they just needn't rule my life anymore. But do I truly know this is a good way forward? That seems a cliche, and sure sign that the illusion of perfectionism is yet another remnant of trying to climb back from the early haunts, from those underground caverns. While I used to fear the climb, now it's the falling from having finally seen, though still far above, "Mt. Recovery's" summit.

But I'm still scared. How would I know I'm not in just a false mirage? All I can do is live as best I can. In that sense it's always new life.

[sanmagic7]

i really love the image of building a new ship for yourself, while keeping a small space available for all that went before.  there's more than one way the past has shaped us - we're more than our anxiety, fear, dread, wounds, etc.  we've also shown ourselves to be courageous, determined, intelligent, creative, strong, among other things.   we really are the cream of the crop, and some of that is due to what we've endured and survived.

embracing, in a way, what's been done to us, is an acknowledgment of the wonderfully amazing people we are.  i'm glad you're not just going to toss all that overboard.  what a great idea.   love and hugs, wg.

[woodsgnome]

Thanks, Sanmagic7.

It took some years to realize that no matter how hard I tried to shut the door on the old story, it kept spilling out in unexpected and frightening ways--emotional flashbacks, etc. would remind me each time I thought I was 'in the clear'.

So instead of giving in, I felt it was better to acknowledge that much as I abhor the old story, I can't force all of that stuff to just go away. While guarding against letting the pain, angst, and grief dominate so much of my current life, I can glance at the old, wince a bit at the memory, but remember I'm only here, now--continuing to build the new ship.

[radical]

..... but remember I'm only here, now--continuing to build the new ship



It is courageous to continue to build the new ship.  It's something that is seldom understood, because it's not visible - the hard, brave work of doing that.

When I was a kid, one of the neighbours literally built a ship in his front yard.  I think it took him many years, but it's hard to translate a child's sense of time (and size).  I had a sense of wonder about that ship, because I could see it.  I . The evolving ship was incredible to me.

I think what we here are all doing is more than that because it is so much harder and more complex. There is no blueprint, no way of knowing when or how things will turn out, there is no finishing line, nothing to show ourselves or anyone else, parts vanish and rappear in a different form, suddenly it seems we are back at the start and everything is gone, other times we are in that boat in uncharted waters.  It takes so much faith and yet the principles are the same; one step and then another.  Doing our best and finding it in ourselves to believe that our best is good enough, often in the face of what seems like contrary evidence.  Getting things wrong and not giving up on ourselves.  Carrying on.

We are never projects.  Ship building is us.  It is so personal, yet what life dishes up, goo or bad,  is not personal.

Sorry to go off on my own tangent, WG.  Somehow those words were exactly what I needed today.  I've been stuck.

[DecimalRocket]

I'd like to say congrats to finding new insights and strength w.g . 

You said you envied how I'm willing to ask for things I need w.g, but I envy your willingness to think deeply and reflect on your own. I think deeply too and spend more time in solitude than others,but it seems not at the length you do.

Alone time doesn't mean reflection. It could also mean being distracted by other random activities to occupy my mind with. Hey, you live in a literal cabin in the woods.

I don't think my attention span can live farther from the big city here where wifi connection is the fastest in the country, bookstores are filled with novel books, and the variety of places to go to is vast. 

So cheers to your wonderful ability to reflect and find peace in utter silence, as well as your unique eloquence in expressing your thoughts.   

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome,
I would also like to wish you continued strength to build the new ship -  to you.
Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Words I'd like eliminate from personal use in 2019. Note to inner critic ... so if I do use them, it's not a failure and I'm still alright. I always/already have been anyway -- please accept me the way I am...thanks!

It's likely these words will still pass through the mindscape, but it also feels useful that I quit focusing in on them. By themselves they're not resolutions, but appear more along the lines of the only resolution I want this year: to love myself more. So the words are:

...struggling -- this will probably still seem operative at times; but absorbing it to where it consumes me is something I'd like to diminish. I tend to live in a bubble, but struggling makes it seem more like an endless fogbank, too.

...seeking -- this can be okay, but often it feels like kicking my life further down the road. I'm always/already okay, it's my only life, have escaped some brutal times, and now there's a new horizon, starting now/here, not out there, someday.

...shoulding -- an old one, but it seems to isolate me in place; even constrictive and tight zones hard to work free from.

...ultra-analyzing (especially the past) -- like the others, this is easier said than done. If not aware of my tendency to want to endlessly figure it all out, I'll end up with the same I've always found -- mystery and horror, but no intrigue, only destruction. Mystery is actually fine, it's when it leads to endless rounds of what-if scenarios that gets me stuck in an endless loop, like being lost in a maze. A subcategory here would be the tendency to take it all too seriously. It actually is, but playing with options can lighten things, too. I don't think there's any true potential to flip the mind's script from tragedy to tragicomedy, but I can continue learning to get my own character out of the tragic parts (inner child rescue).

Uh-oh; I just came close to over-analyzing my own critique. Ah, but I noticed; 'tis a good sign, that one; and I wasn't even looking for one.

One word that seems potentially useful is imagination. Without it the walls do close in. My only problem with imagination is direction -- when I can only visualize being trapped inside instead of finding cracks in the wall by which to find the daylight. And beyond, imagining that I'll be okay, because I'm safe now. 

There's no doubt many other words that will come to mind, but these seem okay for starters. After all, the only intent is to lighten the load, play with options, and be radical, or at least different, as I continue the trek out of the pit. Which reminds me of one last word combo --

...disappointment/discouragement. Now that would truly be remarkable, but it cutting those out of my usual vocabulary seems reasonable. I mean, I've lived my whole life with those words at the forefront, often like a prophecy heralding my distrust of all.

Onward. For the moment, loading up on courage (what happens when I take the 'dis' out of discouragement. After that, more of the same; it's all I have, always/already.

[sj]

that's a great list of words/ concepts/ mind-states, Woodsgnome
I can recognise their relevance to me, also
a challenge, but of the best kind

[woodsgnome]

Thanks, sj. Something your encouragement reminds me of is another word that I hope to tap into more often -- perseverance. It'll be handy for all those times I suspect I'll run into where the challenges threaten to overtake my heart's desire for peace. 

[Jdog]

Woodsgnome-

Ah, perseverance.  That may be the key element in remaining stable in 2019.