Doctors and the law.

[Boy22]

I think of it like a stage of grieving - acceptance. Full acceptance will happen sometime and silence the voice in our head. I believe we can get past this stage and become accepting of the trauma, I don't know why I think that. I just sort of know it.

Hi thetruth and Rainagain,

The quote from Rainagain above is something very similar to what my psychiatrist said to me.

I have just returned from a consultation with my GP. I am lucky he is caring, the receptionist even gave me a hug as I was leaving. I went because my blood pressure is not under control despite several meds.

There are a few good GPs out there, but they are hard to find and usually have a full patient load already.

[Libby183]

Hi again,  thetruth.

Thanks for your interest in my experiences. I am the product of a very typical dysfunctional family.  We must have looked pretty good on the outside, because appearances mattered above all else. But we were utterly controlled by likely pd mother, and backed up by weak, enabling father. I was ill and depressed by the age of four or five.

I simply don't feel part of society,  because many people,  doctors and my recent therapist seem to endorse the physical,  psychological and emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents.  I am told that I need to forgive and get over it. The same message my family gave. I only act out to my husband,  who understands,  and otherwise I isolate completely because, for me, people are hurtful.

I am with you absolutely on the utter unfairness of your situation, but sadly, I am not surprised.

[thetruth]

Hi Rainagain,

I can fully relate. There is a sort of oscillation in and out of being deeply troubled by past events. The more of these oscillations you live through, the more you can trust in the old adage, 'this too shall pass' when in the midst of an anxious episode, or possibly what Pete Walker would call a flashback?

I think I have just ridden out the worst of a 2 to 3 week bad spell though I am still automatically thinking very difficult thoughts around past mistreatment first thing in the morning, last thing at night and virtually all the time during the day if someone else isn't engaging me in distracting conversation.

This recent bout of bother was triggered by going away from home for a week and then coming back again. It is the returning that is the problem. Old wounds that are just about closed rip open again when I come back to my familiar surrounding where the employer and the betraying doctor are. We all live in a small community. Humiliating lies were cultivated about me to deflect from the ugly truth that I had no choice but to protest about....in other words...'He's not being mistreated, he's just unstable.' My gp helped cultivate this lie.

Yes the difficulty waxes and wanes. Hope that spelling is ok. I might have to deal with the troubled episodes for the rest of my days. I don't think they are ever going to fully go away.

Thank you.

[thetruth]

....quote from Libby183...
"Thanks for your interest in my experiences. I am the product of a very typical dysfunctional family.  We must have looked pretty good on the outside, because appearances mattered above all else. But we were utterly controlled by likely pd mother, and backed up by weak, enabling father. I was ill and depressed by the age of four or five."

Hi Libby,

I can relate to large parts of what you say about your childhood but you had it worse than me. I can, on reflection now at the age of 43, appreciate just how depressed I was at times in my childhood and adolescence. My mother was a person of low self esteem, fear and unrealistic expectations and my father was bound to support her in her abusive policies  for fear of scorn and emotional abuse from her for not being a good enough man/husband/father.

We were the perfect family going by outward appearances. For this child  there was a hidden grimness that he didn't realise was damaging him. I was not being prepared for life, anything but. I was being weakened, not nurtured. A lot of it involved religious judgement and scorn.... the message was, you're bad, you're sinful, nothing short of saintliness will suffice.

I think religion might have ruined my mother's life experience because the brand of it she knew was too oppressive. It affected a big chunk of my life too but I've all but dropped it at present.

[Kizzie]

Unfortunately many of us will never get the justice we deserve and worse, perpetrators will blame us and make us look like we are the ones with the problem.  Having grown in a family rife with NPD I get this all too well and it's a hard and bitter truth to swallow. 

I recently went back to therapy because I too was ruminating, stuck wanting that justice I never had, trapped really by having to watch Trump's NPD behaviour daily, hourly even. I had been moving on in my recovery, letting go of the past until then.

Anyway, I am trying EMDR and it seems to be helping me to shift my feelings into the past where they belong (because it's like I am relving the past in the present basically), and in the course of doing so spread them out if that makes sense so that I can live more comfortably with the fact that life dealt me some crappy cards as a child and youth. With each session I am not feeling as trapped by or stuck in the injustice and abuse so perhaps this would be worth a try for you     

[thetruth]

Hi Kizzie,

My bullying employer went to great lengths to cultivate the idea that I was irrational and over-sensitive in the minds of my colleagues, my GP and the community,  ever since I was left with no choice but to make a protest about his behaviour. This was all the easier for him to do because I did have a history of depression and to my amazement, it turned out to suit my GP also to accept that my stress was a result if personal instability and not a response to harassment.

All this while I singlehandedly carried out the most mentally and physically demanding aspect of work within that company.

I think that's why the injury runs so deep and is so long lasting. I did their hardest job to the highest standard they had ever seen, I was targeted by a petty boss because of my greater competence and problem solving ability than he could dream of and at the end of it all they had successfully cultivated the idea that my stress was because I was a nutjob to deflect from the difficult truth that he was a criminal bully.

My GP helped them get rid of me when my stress was so severe I had no option but to take legal action. Then my stress was too severe to even consider legal action when it transpired my GP was playing their game and indifferent about my plight. 5 years later my anxiety is live about this right now as I type. I'm almost in disbelief that I can't shake off the effects but I live where this happened and the triggers are in every inch of  the place.. every face.

Worn out.

[Libby183]

I understand your pain so well and your, almost surprise,  and frustration that you can't shake off the pain. I know that feeling exactly.  In my early fifties, having been no contact with FOO for over six years,  I don't miss them in the slightest and am happy to never see them again. So why can't I let it go? I think you are right about the retriggering, and wonder if your pain now about your doctor and employer is also a huge retriggering of feelings left over from a difficult childhood.  Certainly the bullying I suffered as an employee and a patient in the NHS (with a difficult twin pregnancy and preterm, poorly babies)  felt like the pain and emotional abandonment of my childhood.  When you have been so harmed as a small defenceless child, it just never seems to leave you.  Your description of your childhood didn't sound ideal, but it's just a thought.

This could be something that emdr could help with,  and I am thrilled that it is a positive experience for Kizzie.  I found it very successful in dealing with the chronic body pain. Dealing with one particular traumatic memory really helped.  But otherwise,  I am in a worse place than before. I am triggered by all interaction with anyone other than my husband and children.  I have been written off as beyond help by GP surgery,  despite never being difficult or demanding. 

I hope I haven't over-done this reply. Just wanted you to know that I understand and am with you, fwiw.

Libby

[Kizzie]

Is EMDR something you might consider TheTruth?  Some members have had great success with it, others not quite as much.  I know when I tried it four years ago it did not go well because I was really in a bad place and overwhelmed by trauma. It was just too much then but this time it seems to be helping. I think it depends on each person and where they are in recovery as well as the practitioner, but it might just help shift you out of that stuck place.   

[thetruth]

Hi Libby and Kizzie,

I've just watched a YouTube vid on EMDR to refresh my memory of how it works. In theory it sounds custom designed for my needs..  which would be, release from emotional difficulty which is impairing my life quality and serving no useful purpose.

There is nothing to be gained from feeling crap year in year out over something that cannot be changed. Why do our minds refuse to give up these unhelpful thinking patterns. The only term I have come across to describe the experience is psychological injury.

If EMDR can break the spell I cannot wait to try it.

[sanmagic7]

hi, thetruth,

just jumping in here.  i am an emdr therapist, and if it's done correctly, emdr can be life-changing.  it can help our minds reprocess those psychological injuries (indeed they are) so that the memories do not carry the same impact going forward in our lives as they have continually done. 

i also struggled with 'justice', rumination, spinning scenarios round and round my mind for years.  the only thing that helped me at all was to give that sense of unfairness away to a perceived guardian angel, and let her deal with it.  of course, this could be a higher power, the universe, whatever works for an individual.

it helped me in that i believed that anything which needed to be done to/with/for that person would be taken care of, and i could let go of a lot of the stress and energy i was putting into that neverending treadmill of useless thought which was actually only harming me and wasn't producing anything productive or positive for me or my life.   

these types of thoughts/thinking dynamics were exhausting and at times overwhelming, too.  i do hope you find some relief very soon.  the idea you mentioned of returning to your home being triggering makes perfect sense to me.   i've had the same experience when having to return to the city where some of my abusers lived.  it was like the vibes in the air were so negative i couldn't get away from them.

luckily, i don't live there anymore, and hope i don't have to return anytime soon (altho funerals come to mind - ugh).  at any rate, sending love and a hug filled with renewed spirit and energy.  i'm very sorry you've had this experience.  i wish docs would look at the whole person, not just random symptoms.  as someone mentioned, there are a few out there - finding them is the difficulty too often.

[Kizzie]

I hope you do give it a try TheTruth and let us know if it helps.   

[thetruth]

Id  love to try it. It's 7.50am and the anxiety is on. It's been on for the best part of a month. It doesn't benefit me nor anyone else. The mornings are probably the most difficult thing.

It would be amazing to be able to wake up in the morning and experience peace and enthusiasm for life rather than this pointless angst. I have to get up and start to move around to reduce this uneasiness. I've learned that much.

Thanks for the heads up on EMDR, it could really help me out of this thing.

[Kizzie]

  - Hope it's helps.