Using Dissociation on purpose???

[Anamiame]

Until yesterday, I always perceived my dissociating as a positive for my childhood but as maladaptive as an adult.  I've always put myself at around a 7 or 8 on the 'continuum' with a 10 being DID.  But even with that, I honest to God did not know just how badly I dissociated.  So I've been calling it out in therapy when it happens so that I can begin to recognize it. 

Yesterday was so bad and I couldn't get past it.  Then, it hit me...I could 'dissociate' my way out of it and move toward the adult me.  It worked...instantly. 

To me, I felt that was a positive because it kept me from my (very) negative coping behaviors. 

In my head, I totally get what's going on, but the emotions...are real, but not necessarily based in reality...and too overwhelming for me. 

So, opinions...good or bad to use Dissociation on purpose? 

[Anamiame]

No, I don't think you did misinterpret it.  For me, let's say my T asks me a question about my brother...and it's too much...my mind will just go blank and I won't even remember the question.  It's like when a light bulb gets a surge of electricity and 'pops' and dies.  My brain does that. 

So, one of the things I've done since returning back to therapy in October is to acknowledge in session when I dissociate.  It's harder to do at home. 

However, there's another aspect to it.  I was abused alot as a kid and was never taken to the doctor.  So I was in alot of pain even as a kid.  As an adult, I've experienced ALOT of pain as well.  I can 'turn off' pain without knowing that I turned it off.  It's gotten to the point that my family can tell when I am in pain before I know I'm in pain. 

I had to go for an MRI in December.  I'm extremely claustrophobic.  The MRI they needed to do on me meant two hours in the tube.  There was a mix up and I couldn't get the atavan I needed to calm me down.  It took an extra 45 minutes before I could actually do the test--and I kept thinking 'now would be a wonderful time to disappear' (my old word for it).  I finally was able to disappear enough to finish the test, but I couldn't do it 'at will.'  I just finally shut down because of the fear. 
*POSSIBLE TRIGGER* (tried to white it out but it won't work for me)
Yesterday, I knew the EF was from being tied in my crib and my mother leaving me for two days.  So, I knew where it was coming from. After doing some IC, I still couldn't get it under control so I purposely 'shifted' to the mommy/analytical me.  It worked.  Instantly.  I've never done that before, but then again, I never ever acknowledge it to the level it exists before.  Does that make sense?

And I think I agree with you that it is a negative.  But if it gets me through this *, then it's worth it.  LOL 

[Kizzie]

I actually think it can be used in a positive sense.  I used it at the dentist's office before there was sedation available (had a really bad experience with a dentist when I was young so use sedation if I have a couple of things done).  And I've used it after surgery, when they don't give enough pain meds -  works well when your body hurts to leave it and float away.  When I got my diagnosis of cancer in 2007 I simply dissociated and didn't come back until the next day.  I guess then I was ready to accept things.

I have to have a gastroscopy (camera down the throat)  tomorrow and am hoping I can dissociate as it's not something I want to be present in the moment for that's for darn sure.  So fingers crossed I can get it to kick in 

[schrödinger's cat]

This sounds like a hidden superpower. Baffling, but intriguing. This is simply idle curiousity, so don't feel like you have to answer, Kizzie and Anamiame... but how does it feel after you've purposely done your gone-away trick? From what you both say, it sounds as if it makes you feel safer, more in control, steadier on your feet.

[Anamiame]

Kizzie!!!  EXACTLY!!!!   I do the SAME thing, but it was not conscious before and it is a good tool to use sometimes! 

I'm sorry you are having an ERCP==they suck.  I'll be praying for you that it goes well and that you can 'avoid' any pain. 

SC.:  That's a great question.  When I did the MRI, it was hard to kick it in, but once it did, I was 'distant' or 'spacy.'  I think I can explain it like this:  You are a house and there are many rooms.  During the MRI, I left the house, so 'no one was home.'  However, the other day when I couldn't pull myself together and 'flipped', it was like I put the children to bed and the adult went into the family room and took over.  The kids were still there--I was home--but the kids were in another room.  So the emotions were still there but the intensity was too much at the time.  When it's time, I'll go back into that room in my house. 

Does that make sense? 

[Kizzie]

Good explanation Anamiame.  Cat - It just feels like it does when I've spaced out watching a really good TV show. Afterward I come back and am more aware of the present and everything around me. While I'm watching the show though everything kind of fades into the background. It's not like an intense EF where I've dissociated in the face of big time emotions and then have a chemical cocktail hangover for a couple of days.

Apparently I will be sedated to some extent today so I imagine it will all go well and I will not need my dissociative super powers (but I'll keep them in my back pocket just in case.  )

[Anamiame]

They do sedate you with a 'twilight' sleep.  The only rub is a mild sore throat afterwards.   

[schrödinger's cat]

I hope it will go well, Kizzie. Best of luck.

Thanks for the description, Kizzie and Anamiame. I do that too, I've come to realize. Like unfocussing one's mind on purpose, no? I used to think that was just me being stupid (in the sense of not intelligent). But yes, I do that when I'm stressed. A lot of times, my eyes will stop focussing, so everything starts to look blurry. I wonder if that's what the thousand yard stare is. I wish I did less of it, it's like sleepwalking through my own life sometimes. But still, it all started out as a coping strategy, probably, back then when I was a kid and had no other choices. So there's that.

It would be brilliant if I could switch this to bringing-the-kids-to-bed mode. Maybe I can give that a shot.