Things They Said

ah · February 23, 2018, 02:38:17 PM

Quote from: CrashPhenomena on February 21, 2018, 02:01:33 AM
! TRIGGER WARNING !

The man that abused me when I was 9 told me "I made some new toys to show you."

I think this says so much about the emotional aspect of abuse, how hard it is to pinpoint to people who don't know what it is. The way innocent sounding words become so evil in the "right" context, and "normalized" again if they're heard by clueless people out of context.

As long as abusive people keep being so good at hiding, and society remains so blind, outsiders who hear these things here and there will continue to misunderstand what they're hearing.

CrashPhenomena, that's beyond evil and cruel, what he said to you and the way it was said. There's just no word for it. It gave me chills, I can't imagine how you must have felt.

My F once said to me when I was very small "You know, you're very lucky you've got older siblings. We already made all of our mistakes with them, so now with you we know what to do." could sound neutral, even cute maybe, if you don't know he meant to say "I've now perfected my skills. Your siblings got away from me sometimes because I was sloppy before, but I know exactly what I'm doing now, and I've got you. You're completely mine. Boy, are we going to have fun together."
My blood froze when he told me I was lucky. It was said with a grin and if anyone else had heard him they'd smile too, but I knew it was a death threat and a threat of hours and days of torture.
Trying to tell others so though... can feel hopeless at times. How do you get others to understand what they've just heard if they've never learned to speak Evil?

this_evening_so_soon · February 26, 2018, 12:18:15 PM

"No real gay man would ever love you."
-my mom, after I was outed as trans (gay FTM) to her

"I'm killing myself to support you and you don't care. You probably wish I were dead because all you care about is money."
-mom again

"I don't care about your feelings. You're just a toy to me and I can do whatever I want to you."
-my ex

PeTe · March 01, 2018, 07:35:18 PM

"You can just put me ashore on one of these islands to die." Mom in one of mye first memories.
"I might just as well kill myself." One of several times mom were on the phone with her sister, talkin loud enough for us to hear.
"I've got to be allowed to say what I think." Mom when transgressing my boundaries, of course denying me the right to say what I think.

Deep Blue · March 11, 2018, 12:04:30 AM

You brought this on yourself

James · March 28, 2018, 01:32:37 AM

"Are you crazy?" - My Dad's favorite line if anyone voiced any kind of disagreement with his ideas or did anything else he didn't like. The question "are you crazy" was rhetorical and had a clear meaning... it meant "you are crazy!" But the way he said it with the anger and condemnation in his voice the message that came through was "you are horrible," "you are not wanted," "you are unlovable," "nobody cares about you and they never will."

James · March 28, 2018, 02:19:56 AM

For me I feel like "things they didn't say" are more painful to think about / remember. All of the things that I longed to hear as a child but never did, all the things I waited to hear from my parents... waited and waited and waited, but I was only ignored and left to feel lonely, scared and isolated.
Things they never said: "How are you feeling today?" "How did your day go?" "is there anything you want to talk about?" "Is anything bothering you?" "Everything is going to be ok." "We'll always be here for you." "I care about how you're feeling." "Let's talk." "It's nice to see you." "I love spending time with you." "You're a great son."

woodsgnome · March 28, 2018, 04:24:42 PM

James: "For me I feel like "things they didn't say" are more painful to think about / remember."

James, thank you for noting that. Words--spoken or silent--are a double whammy however they're uttered by an abuser. It's a lose/lose situation that stings to one's core and can sit like an open wound for a lifetime.

Andyman73 · June 09, 2018, 11:32:30 PM

Quote from: this_evening_so_soon on February 26, 2018, 12:18:15 PM
"No real gay man would ever love you."
-my mom, after I was outed as trans (gay FTM) to h
-mom again

"I don't care about your feelings. You're just a toy to me and I can do whatever I want to you."
-my ex

Wanted to say that what your mom said to you is absolutely insane. How would she know what a "real" gay man is, and whether or not they would love you? Wife said similar to me, saying no woman or man would want me, when accusing me of being gay as reason for not wanting sex with her.

Wife also said that marriage meant she could do as she pleased to me, without any consequences.

Phoebes · June 11, 2018, 04:24:22 PM

"You don't even know what love is." (said multiple times in multiple contexts)
"Ohhhh..You think you're so smart." (Said after barging in my room and seeing me reading a book before bedtime, in college.)
"I didn't RAISE you that way." (Said in any instance she didn't agree with)
"I'm gonna blister your butt."
"Welp. Go get out the belt!"
"Wipe that look off your face or I'll knock it off." (Said any time I was sad or not smiling in public).

All of these things consistently said with very disdainful tone. I'm sure y'all know the one.

I'm sorry to get so dark. I feel like I do that a lot on my threads. I'm realizing, the way she treated me WAS dark. It was very sinister and I have downplayed and made lighter of it than it was. It was horribly horribly abusive, the things she said and did.

Andyman73 · June 29, 2018, 01:57:49 AM

Wife also said that I deserved it. All of it. Deserved to be hit and abused by her. Deserved all the sa/r and other abuse in my life before her(the little bit that she does know about). Even the cpa....

even that...which started when I was 5-6. I deserved that. She said.

Elphanigh · June 29, 2018, 12:51:21 PM

gentle hugs if they are okay Andy.

*tw*
I have heard things similar to that from many abusers. I deserved it because I was awful, or because it was all I would eber be good for. I was never going to amount to anything but their toy, because I was stupid and worthless... etc..

End trigger

I know now those words aren't true, not are the words you heard. They do leave such deep wounds

Andyman73 · July 02, 2018, 01:23:24 AM

Thank you for hugs, made us feel lots better.

You smart and valuable...priceless even!

Boy22 · September 15, 2018, 12:58:00 AM

I came to this place via a very different journey.

My instructions were to lie still and be good whilst the nurses hurt me.

I was not allowed to complain about the amount of pain I was/am still in.

I had to perform all tasks to nothing less than perfection, regardless of my pain.