being 'ditzy'

[CreativeCat]

I've just had a bit of an Epiphany and i thought i would share- It would be great to hear if anyone else has had similar experiences?

I have a reputation among old friends and my family for being 'dizzy', i would always loose things, seem spaced out spend time daydreaming. People i meet now don't neccessarily see me in this way and at work I'm generally quite organised- although ive realised recently that when i have meetings with one colleague I always seem to leave something behind in her office. I usually feel very stressed during these meetings and the colleague talks and talks and there is no room for me at all. I find myself collapsing into myself and I think this must be dissociation. i dissociate and then i cant think about what i am doing or keep my head about me and i end up loosing things. i feel very ungrounded.

The more my family teased me about it iand called me names in the past, the more i think it affected me and it makes me feel stressed just writing it now . If anyone now picks up on it now i feel very sensitive and criticised and i just end up doing it more and hating myself and wishing i were different.

does any one else have a similar experience - what have you found helps?

[woodsgnome]

 , Creative Cat, I've had that experience often.

You wrote: "the colleague talks and talks and there is no room for me at all. I find myself collapsing into myself and I think this must be dissociation. i dissociate and then i cant think about what i am doing or keep my head about me and i end up loosing things. i feel very ungrounded."

Same here--I simply can't stand any hint of conflict, real or imagined. My modus operandi? Get outta here! Emotionally if not physically; preferably both. I don't so much lose things like physical objects, I just leave my emotions/mind and dissociate. I can be quite rational and well-spoken, until the dissociation kicks in--then what I say sounds like gibberish until I can flee the situation, not even caring how foolish I might be perceived. I've left several therapists that way; almost like I literally dissolved, and couldn't wait to get away.

I sometimes recall an old acronym in an attempt to cope: Fear=Fantasy Expressed As Reality. But then the fear ratchets up regardless, and I'm off to Dissociation Land again. The pressure of confrontation and/or explanation (and never being believed or listened to anyway) was always belittled in my youthful days, and it planted itself in my psyche.

The only thing that truly worked was to escape, literally. Long story short, I moved to the "toolie-boolies" but still had creative inlets via writing and consulting into fields I was expert on. I know it's avoidance big time--but I also know it was the only way I felt safe. To feel bad about it is only to fuel the self-blame, and I'm currently undergoing a huge spate of that as it is.

Sorry I don't have any great ideas, Creative Cat, but wanted you to know, based on my experience,that  yes--what you describe is a big part of this strange world we find ourselves in called cptsd. And maybe by plodding along we'll come across another "Epiphany", as you say.

[hypervigilante]

Creative Cat- YES.


It's become a part of my personality that I insist on laughing off outwardly, but am supremely insecure about inwardly. I scream at myself to get myself together and when I forget something- which happens DAILY, just, extremely frequently... Anyway, at each instance I cannot forgive myself. I'm overly hard on myself. I feel like I can't get my mind to behave. Perhaps it really is disassociation, I'd never considered that! I also feel like a lot of the times I'm studying someone so intently and being aware of every possible meaning of every possible word that I'm following these strands of thought and losing the grounded, intended one. By the end of the discussion, I'm concerned about morale and relationships and I lose the integrity or message in the conversation. I feel lost in my own head each time I'm in there. I wish I had a solution too, but it feels so wonderful to hear that others experience this. I never really attributed it or explored how my cptsd relates to it. I of course only saw my self punishment relate.  I'm eager to investigate.

[CreativeCat]

HI Hypervigilante,

Thank you for your reply and i'm glad it was also helpful to you. I know what you mean about laughing it off but the inner critic inside is screaming.

I went through a phase recently where i kept thinking i had lost something and berating myself (i almost broke int tears on the train for being so stupid) but then realising I hadn't lost it all. I had actually lost something important in my life though so that feeling of having lost something was very strong generally, maybe i just assumed I had lost everything?? The mind is so complicated!

I try not to make a big deal out of it either way or now if i lost something i try to show how I'm really feeling a bit more. it means i'm true to myself but also as an off shoot i've found people are then quicker to be kinder and reassure rather than berate and tease. 

Keep posting on how you get on.

CC

[hypervigilante]

That's very helpful, CC.

I am not quite sure that this has progressed positively yet for me, but I'm not going to stop trying.  Do you have a regular sleeping schedule? I rarely do; I never learned the value of sleep-routines.  I wasn't very supervised as a kid, and the importance of sleep was really lost on me.

I do understand that my mental performance and preparedness increases with regularly scheduled sleep. I say this now, of course, while I'm on the night shift at work, haha.  But I do find that this part is helpful.  Sleep and water, somehow.  It's good to remember the parts of you that are easy to fix if they're physically achievable.

So, I'm working on trying to establish a better routine (tonight not included, haha) to see if this improves. 

I also know the feeling of having no space with someone - correct me if I'm mistaken, but to me it seems like a war zone in my mind completely unbeknownst by the talker.  I'm so focused on avoiding emotional disparity that the daily details lose their priority in my mind.

How are you doing since your epiphany?  I find your discovery very groundbreaking and I want you to know I appreciate working alongside you on this.
-HV

[I like vanilla]

Creative Cat, I think you might be on to something.

There are a fair number of people, especially those who knew/have known before I started making progress with my T, who think that I am really flaky.I too am generally quite organized and competent. But stressful moments happen and then I am 'gone'. In hindsight, I think that the 'ungroundedness' does make me come across as ditzy to some people. Unfortunately, those who tend to trigger me are also those who are not 'safe' enough for me to explain what is going on...