Not to send

[Three Roses]

Dear cousin S:

I'm so angry and disappointed. You violated my boundaries! I told you I did NOT want my sibling to have my contact information. And now, he does! You gave it to him!

I want you to know how your insensitive, know-it-all decision has impacted me: my nightmares have increased; my social anxiety has increased; I'm having more debilitating headaches; my relationships with immediate family have been affected; I'm having more trouble trusting; my blood pressure has gone back up; my self esteem is in the crapper; I don't feel safe anymore. Anywhere. He knows where I am. All those memories of years, decades of abuse and dysfunction have come flooding back in.

All because you decided thoughtlessly that you knew better, that you knew what it was all about. Just because I never said anything about the terrors I suffered at the hands of my sibling my entire life until I cut off contact with him.

Could you not have trusted me?

Thirteen years passed and we hadn't talked. He didn't know what state I lived in, he didn't have contact info for me. He had literally no way to find me. Until you $#&@:+ that up.

You know what you could have said, instead? When he asked for my info you could have said, "I'll take your number and tell her you want her to call you." You would not have been put in the middle that way! So simple!

I am nauseated just writing this.

And this isn't the first time you've done something so very hurtful. When he was moving out of state and we were still in contact, I told him I wanted to throw a going away party for him. (Sidenote - our father had just passed, we had to tie up loose ends; and I had not remembered all the abuse. I did remember some, but many details were missing. I'm confident if I had remembered, I would not have offered to throw him a good bye party! ) Anyway. I asked him if I could organize a going away party for him, like the good little sister I'd been groomed to be to him. At first he said sure but later told me he changed his mind and wanted to leave without a party. Then I found out he'd gone to you, asked for a party, and not to invite me. And you did it! All the living family - cousins, aunts, uncles - attended except me. What the * were you thinking??

I buried my hurt and tried to have a functional, mindful response to this. And now just a few months ago you've betrayed me again.

I have to wait until after the first of the year when we will have more money and I'll be able to afford more therapy, and a car to get there. This is so your fault and I'm really really angry with you!

[Three Roses]

Dear cousin M;

I'm angry with you, too. Your health is frail and so I can have more understanding for the situation you found yourself in. When S asked for my number to give to The Sibling, you were caught off guard.

But unlike your sister, you knew why I didn't want to hear from him. I told you. You knew.

I'm angry, hurt, disappointed - I feel betrayed - I would never have done this to you. Never.

[woodsgnome]

  

[Blueberry]

  3R you are finding words for the pain and anger and you're getting it out there.

I'm so sorry about what they did to you and to hear how badly it has affected you now. 

[finallyfree]

Powerful and hopefully getting it out has made you feel a little better about the betrayal you have suffered.